I just went on a vacation to the beach with my family to celebrate Thanksgiving and 15 years of marriage to my wonderful husband. It was a quiet time of rest and renewal, except for the knots...
I love making things with my hands. I taught myself to crochet a couple of years ago, and now I enjoy crocheting prayer shawls to give as gifts. I happened to be working on one when it came time for our trip, so I took it with me, as I usually will take some kind of handiwork to do while relaxing.
Well, I was happily crocheting along one evening when our time on the beach was done, when I ran into a rather large knot that was up inside the skein that I was using and had gone about 1/3 into. The more I pulled and tried to untie the knots, the more they multiplied and the more frustrating they became. I untied and untied, and untangled and untangled, and when one area was straightened and usable, another area seemed to multiply with knots and tangles in it. Frustrated, I showed my husband the mess, for lack of a better word, and was encouraged to cut it, throw it away and start on a brand new skein..."no way that is going to come out..."
Well, I thought about it, and the more I did, the more I felt I needed to work it out, I didn't know why, but I had the sense that this knot needed me, and I needed it. I thought, "why in the world can't I just throw this away and start over...I'm wasting valuable time from my vacation...I don't think anything is going to help this unbelievable heap of yarn that has worked itself into a complete tizzy!"
No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't give up on it. I simply couldn't throw it away. I felt compelled to work my way through this now series of knots and balls of complicated tangles! The thought of cutting it made me cringe! So, I decided to work out the knots one by one, and that if it took the rest of our vacation and until the year 2014, I would work out this complete maze of beautiful, shiny, soft yarn that I now felt some weird connection to...
My sweet husband never said a word, he pretended not to notice when hour after hour I spent working through one knot after another and in the work I found my reason for doing it. I was astounded when the insights started to occur to me, and I realized there was a real and undeniable reason that I had not let this particular mess go.
One knot after another I realized that this ball and heap of messy, tangled up, practically nonredeemable string represented my life and the struggles in it. I realized that life is full of jams and creases that must be worked through and straightened out in order for us to be at peace. I realized that the it took a tremendous amount of time and energy to work through those tangles and that often in pulling out a new knot, I had to go back over ground I had already covered. I had to backtrack some of the time, I had to pull the same piece of string over and over again until it would finally break free from the pieces that held it bound to itself.
If I could have stretched the yarn straight out in one, long line, it would have represented my life from birth to death, so I realized there were areas that were masted up and bound, and there were areas that were without hindrance and in essence, free. I could clearly see that each part, whether it was free or bound, had some effect on the rest of the string and how it was able to function properly or not. I realized that my life was affected now and always by the good times and the bad times, the times of struggle and the times of freedom. I realized that each time was equally necessary, important and valuable.
You know, eventually I did work out that mass of collective upheaval and felt an incredible sense of relief and accomplishment in having done so. I used every inch of this special yarn, it, in all of its worn glory, to continue on in making the prayer shawl, and I can't wait to see who ends up receiving it. I am thankful for it and the lessons it taught me, and for the hope that it gave me. I know that no words can accurately describe the mess that I started out with, you would have had to have been there to really fully understand it, and so is the case with my life, and yours as well.
We face turmoil and upsets and times of conflict and angst, but there is always hope. We can always find some way to work through it, if we truly try and fully commit to it. And it is in the times of peace and equally in the times of stressful events of one kind or another, that we live our beautiful and purposeful and valuable lives.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
Post-Abortion TV Series!
KnockTV plans to begin this series with the premiere of Episode 1 on the 40th anniversary date of Roe v. Wade, January 22, 2013. This is groundbreaking material, with 10 episodes of this first-of-a-kind Christian reality TV series giving a voice to the millions of us who have suffered in silence for so long! This will help educate those who believe the ability to choose abortion is a good thing for women. I hope it will help pro-choice individuals to see the reality that while having a choice in life is a good thing, choosing abortion is not a good thing, in any way, for our babies or for ourselves.
Join me in praying for all who are involved in bringing this series to fruition and for the brave women who are willing to share their very intimate secrets and stories. Join me also in watching this very timely and indescribably valuable series, and for more information visit: http://www.knocktv.com/shows/surrenderthesecret/
Monday, November 5, 2012
Do I have the right to seek help?
One of the hurtles in healing from a past abortion is overcoming the stigmatism related to the act itself, and the dangerous belief that you deserve any misery you may have afterwards. There is often an unspoken, even consciously unrecognized, belief that if you choose abortion, you don't have the right to need or seek help afterwards concerning the abortion. As if, you asked for the pain and sorrow and other symptoms that often accompany this choice, by making the choice to have an abortion in the first place. If you are the post-abortive woman, you have no problem at all saying to yourself, "you did this, you deserve to have these horrible symptoms the rest of your life to atone for what you did." But having symptoms and needing help after an abortion are completely natural and normal occurrences, and you have just as much right to need and seek help as anyone else who is in pain in this world.
Many, many women have great regret and emotional pain and symptomatology following an abortion decision, especially if they did not want to have an abortion, but felt there was no other way to proceed in their lives, or were forced to have it by someone else, such as a boyfriend, parent or other guardian. Often a woman experiences great emotional pain following the termination of one or more pregnancies, if she feels that she has violated her own moral code of conduct, that is if she feels she went against the very core of her own beliefs about life and nature and what being a woman and mother means in this world. Women in these types of situations can spiral silently behind the scenes, and be devastated emotionally and psychologically, while trying to "keep it together" and attempt to function normally for others in their day to day lives. This type of coping works for a while, but usually eventually wears out, as she struggles to perform day after day in this life that she knows is just for show. These women will often present for therapy as "depressed" or "anxious" as these are more "acceptable" diagnoses, but all the while they have a secret, they are suffering silently and need profound help.
The good news is, there is help out there, and as women and men become more and more vocal about the pain of abortion, and society begins to recognize it's less about the choice and more about the person, we will see help for the post-abortive becoming more and more necessary and in demand, and more readily available in our counseling offices.
If you are hurting from an abortion and feel you need help, I would implore you to seek it. Try a therapist, if you don't feel they can hear you or understand your pain, try a different therapist, and keep trying until you have found someone you can process your thoughts and emotions with. Someone who understands you as a post-abortive woman and understands your pain. You must talk with someone you feel you can trust, or it will be difficult for you to make progress. You need to walk this path with someone who is trained in this delicate type of need, someone who understands the devastation of Post-Abortion Syndrome and most importantly, knows the way out of it. Don't be afraid to ask if the person you are speaking with knows how to help you. It is your right to seek help if you need it, and it is your right to receive the help that you need. You must be your own advocate, in seeking this specialized type of care, and in not giving up until your need is fully met. My prayers are with you as seek to find that which you need.
Many, many women have great regret and emotional pain and symptomatology following an abortion decision, especially if they did not want to have an abortion, but felt there was no other way to proceed in their lives, or were forced to have it by someone else, such as a boyfriend, parent or other guardian. Often a woman experiences great emotional pain following the termination of one or more pregnancies, if she feels that she has violated her own moral code of conduct, that is if she feels she went against the very core of her own beliefs about life and nature and what being a woman and mother means in this world. Women in these types of situations can spiral silently behind the scenes, and be devastated emotionally and psychologically, while trying to "keep it together" and attempt to function normally for others in their day to day lives. This type of coping works for a while, but usually eventually wears out, as she struggles to perform day after day in this life that she knows is just for show. These women will often present for therapy as "depressed" or "anxious" as these are more "acceptable" diagnoses, but all the while they have a secret, they are suffering silently and need profound help.
The good news is, there is help out there, and as women and men become more and more vocal about the pain of abortion, and society begins to recognize it's less about the choice and more about the person, we will see help for the post-abortive becoming more and more necessary and in demand, and more readily available in our counseling offices.
If you are hurting from an abortion and feel you need help, I would implore you to seek it. Try a therapist, if you don't feel they can hear you or understand your pain, try a different therapist, and keep trying until you have found someone you can process your thoughts and emotions with. Someone who understands you as a post-abortive woman and understands your pain. You must talk with someone you feel you can trust, or it will be difficult for you to make progress. You need to walk this path with someone who is trained in this delicate type of need, someone who understands the devastation of Post-Abortion Syndrome and most importantly, knows the way out of it. Don't be afraid to ask if the person you are speaking with knows how to help you. It is your right to seek help if you need it, and it is your right to receive the help that you need. You must be your own advocate, in seeking this specialized type of care, and in not giving up until your need is fully met. My prayers are with you as seek to find that which you need.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Our Fall Retreat Was Wonderful!
Oaks Studio's first Interdenominational Rachel's Vineyard Retreat took place this past weekend, and it was wonderful! We had the most unbelievably beautiful weather for all three days! The leaves in their Autumn colors dotted the mountainside near our retreat center, which is located in the picturesque countryside of the Foothills of North Carolina.
Our group worked hard throughout the weekend, and the transformations in the women attending from Friday to Sunday was nothing short of astounding! I feel it is a privilege and an honor to be a part of the experience of such deep and profound healing. To be present and see the Lord minister to these women throughout the weekend is an indescribable blessing to me, and the other facilitators. We laughed together and cried together and shared deeply emotional, psychological and spiritual wounds with each other, while openly worshiping God and seeking His complete healing in every recess of our minds, bodies and spirits. It was awe inspiring! Every weekend I facilitate, I am transported back to my own retreat and realize how changed I was from that weekend forward in my life. I feel immensely blessed to be a part of such a dedicated, and Christ-centered organization, as is Rachel's Vineyard. I am thankful daily for the work that Kevin and Teresa Burke have done and continue to do, along with the thousands of others, like our team, who labor in the Vineyard.
I hope you will consider a weekend retreat, if you are hurting from an abortion experience. We are offering our next retreat on March 15-17, 2013. Women and men are invited to come and spend the weekend working through the program, trusting the process, and experiencing the Divine healing that awaits you. It may seem scary at first to contemplate coming, but in my experience, all who come are so very glad they pushed through and persevered. Give us a call with any questions you may have at 828.919.8020.
Our group worked hard throughout the weekend, and the transformations in the women attending from Friday to Sunday was nothing short of astounding! I feel it is a privilege and an honor to be a part of the experience of such deep and profound healing. To be present and see the Lord minister to these women throughout the weekend is an indescribable blessing to me, and the other facilitators. We laughed together and cried together and shared deeply emotional, psychological and spiritual wounds with each other, while openly worshiping God and seeking His complete healing in every recess of our minds, bodies and spirits. It was awe inspiring! Every weekend I facilitate, I am transported back to my own retreat and realize how changed I was from that weekend forward in my life. I feel immensely blessed to be a part of such a dedicated, and Christ-centered organization, as is Rachel's Vineyard. I am thankful daily for the work that Kevin and Teresa Burke have done and continue to do, along with the thousands of others, like our team, who labor in the Vineyard.
I hope you will consider a weekend retreat, if you are hurting from an abortion experience. We are offering our next retreat on March 15-17, 2013. Women and men are invited to come and spend the weekend working through the program, trusting the process, and experiencing the Divine healing that awaits you. It may seem scary at first to contemplate coming, but in my experience, all who come are so very glad they pushed through and persevered. Give us a call with any questions you may have at 828.919.8020.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Four Huge Outcomes of My Retreat
My Rachel's Vineyard Retreat will forever be a precious memory to me. It was a surreal weekend. It was halloween (which I do not like) that weekend, and the time changed too; these things worked against it, but I minimized their effects in my mind and focused on the "big picture." I loved the rest of the weekend, and will forever be thankful for this gift in my life.
In preparing for some of the activities in the manual for the upcoming retreat, I gained more new insights yesterday. I can't say enough about how much I love insight. Insight is realizing things inside yourself about yourself that you never knew you knew before; it's when the subconscious mind gives the conscious mind a peek inside. Everytime I gain new insight, I consider it a gift from God, a blessing, and I pray for it all the time.
Yesterday, my insight prayers were answered again. I realized that my retreat in 2009 helped me to separate my abortions from my lost children. They are two different things. I used to roll them into one thing. I saw it as abortions=lost children. I didn't realize that I needed to work through the trauma of having the abortions and losing my children...that work is not the same, it is not even parallel. I also realized I had to grieve my lost children, the parts of myself that had died with my unborn children, and my own lost childhood. At the retreat, I was given the opportunity to work on all of this, but even more than that, I was given the opportunity to allow Jesus to ACTIVELY heal these areas of my life. I know when I say that sentence, even if you understand what I am saying, without experiencing it, there is no way you can fully comprehend it. I am saying, I PHYSICALLY FELT healing in my heart, mind and body taking place that weekend. I felt Jesus near me and as real as I can feel a warm blanket wrapped around my skin; and it felt just as cozy, comfortable and as if I was being held close to His beating heart. It was amazing. I wanted it. I was open to it. I let my guards down and focused on my healing, on allowing God to work, to move, allowing the Holy Spirit to be in me and around me and do whatever work needed to be done in those moments of the retreat work.
I pray that if you consider attending one of these retreats, that you will focus not on what people will think of you, how you measure up in the group, whether or not you have anything in common with the other participants or not, or any other superficial thing you can put into that blank. I hope you pray and seek the will of God being done in your life, through the workers who are there because they want your healing for you more than anything else in the world. I pray that it will be just you and Jesus there, with loving spirits there assisting the work you are doing. I pray you will leave the rest of it at home. Seek His healing, His will, His plan for your journey; be open and vulnerable, inviting any and all goodness to come to you and over you and inside you. I pray that you will come to receive the endless gifts that await you, if that's what you hear God whispering in your heart, if you feel lead, if you really want to come. If you come praying for and expecting a miracle, I believe it will happen. I can't wait to witness your healing work and pray that I may be a vessel through which this healing may flow.
I pray, Lord, that you will prepare me to be a loving and effective reflection of You and your mercy. I pray that You will speak through me and the other members of the team, that You will be present in all that we do and say to each other, and that You will bless and heal all who come according to Your infinite power, riches and glory in heaven!
In preparing for some of the activities in the manual for the upcoming retreat, I gained more new insights yesterday. I can't say enough about how much I love insight. Insight is realizing things inside yourself about yourself that you never knew you knew before; it's when the subconscious mind gives the conscious mind a peek inside. Everytime I gain new insight, I consider it a gift from God, a blessing, and I pray for it all the time.
"You will seek me and find me then you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and I will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:13
Yesterday, my insight prayers were answered again. I realized that my retreat in 2009 helped me to separate my abortions from my lost children. They are two different things. I used to roll them into one thing. I saw it as abortions=lost children. I didn't realize that I needed to work through the trauma of having the abortions and losing my children...that work is not the same, it is not even parallel. I also realized I had to grieve my lost children, the parts of myself that had died with my unborn children, and my own lost childhood. At the retreat, I was given the opportunity to work on all of this, but even more than that, I was given the opportunity to allow Jesus to ACTIVELY heal these areas of my life. I know when I say that sentence, even if you understand what I am saying, without experiencing it, there is no way you can fully comprehend it. I am saying, I PHYSICALLY FELT healing in my heart, mind and body taking place that weekend. I felt Jesus near me and as real as I can feel a warm blanket wrapped around my skin; and it felt just as cozy, comfortable and as if I was being held close to His beating heart. It was amazing. I wanted it. I was open to it. I let my guards down and focused on my healing, on allowing God to work, to move, allowing the Holy Spirit to be in me and around me and do whatever work needed to be done in those moments of the retreat work.
I pray that if you consider attending one of these retreats, that you will focus not on what people will think of you, how you measure up in the group, whether or not you have anything in common with the other participants or not, or any other superficial thing you can put into that blank. I hope you pray and seek the will of God being done in your life, through the workers who are there because they want your healing for you more than anything else in the world. I pray that it will be just you and Jesus there, with loving spirits there assisting the work you are doing. I pray you will leave the rest of it at home. Seek His healing, His will, His plan for your journey; be open and vulnerable, inviting any and all goodness to come to you and over you and inside you. I pray that you will come to receive the endless gifts that await you, if that's what you hear God whispering in your heart, if you feel lead, if you really want to come. If you come praying for and expecting a miracle, I believe it will happen. I can't wait to witness your healing work and pray that I may be a vessel through which this healing may flow.
I pray, Lord, that you will prepare me to be a loving and effective reflection of You and your mercy. I pray that You will speak through me and the other members of the team, that You will be present in all that we do and say to each other, and that You will bless and heal all who come according to Your infinite power, riches and glory in heaven!
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Before My Retreat
I feel the Lord has been encouraging me this week to share what it was like in the weeks leading up to my retreat, in hopes of reaching out to someone who is considering coming to a retreat and fighting similar battles to mine in getting to my retreat.
The word FEAR comes to mind more than anything else, when I look back at the weeks prior to my retreat. It is probably the most powerful tool in the arsenal of the enemy, and in an ironic way: evil uses the tool of fear to encourage the choice of abortion in the beginning, and then uses it later to reinforce our captivity and to strengthen the ties that keep us bound to a life of shame. It is a convenient and easy tool to use, not to mention effective, and the weeks leading up to the retreat are certainly fertile ground for this seed to take root and produce the fruit of continued self-condemnation and ridicule.
I first discovered Rachel's Vineyard because I was online looking one day at resources regarding starting a non-profit organization to assist women and men in dealing with post abortion pain. I knew at this time that God was calling me into this type of ministry, but was unsure in what capacity He planned to use my life. I came across the website for Rachel's Vineyard and was immediately attracted to the thought of attending a retreat, where I could actually talk outloud in the presence of others about my abortions, which was an area of my life that was still very much a secret, and a burden to carry. I had been through several Bible studies, had read books and worked through my issues on my own and briefly with a counselor as much as I could, and felt I was "healed" and ready to help others. And had done so in volunteer work at my local Pregnancy Care Center. He spoke to me that day through the computer in opening my eyes to Rachel's Vineyard and their work, God, in all His wisdom, was revealing His plan for my life.
I remember in the late summer, early fall of 2009, feeling very conflicted about going to my retreat. On the one hand, I welcomed as I've shared the opportunity to give my pain a voice and very much the ability to be part of a group who understood that special and delicate type of pain. On the other hand, I didn't know who these people were, and the thought of getting together with strangers and sharing these indescribably painful and horrific details of my most intimate thoughts and feelings with them scared me. Of course, I feared rejection and judgment the most, but there were other things too, like, what if I know someone there and they'll know my secret?, what if I don't like it?, what if I don't feel safe there?, what if I get lost going there?, what if I can't afford it?, what if my husband doesn't want me to go?, what if it would be a waste of time, maybe I don't need it, what if the facilitators are judgmental and cold?, what if the other participants are mean to me?, what if it doesn't help me?, what if it makes me uncomfortable?, on and on the list of thoughts, the "buts" and the "what if's" flowed day and nightly almost, in my dreams even.
I continued to pray. I continued to seek God's will. I knew, bottom line, that I wanted to be healed, and I wanted His will to be done in my life, and if I knew that He was calling me into this type of ministry, then I would have to do some things that took me out of my comfort zone. I knew I would have to step out on faith and do things that would have unpredictable outcomes. Also, at that time I was still dealing with an unbelievable panic attack issue that had started during my graduate work in obtaining my counseling degree. I couldn't speak in front of others, even in smaller groups, I would feel a lump in my throat so big that speaking and breathing were difficult. Even writing this right now, I can feel the lump rising in my throat as I recall the memories of a time that this anxiety response ran my life. So, the thought of being a part of a group, and having to talk about anything, let alone my abortions, was extremely difficult for me to consider for very long periods of time. Nevertheless, I talked it over with my husband, who was very supportive of me going, and we decided it would be a positive experience for me in helping me move forward with this type of work. But, as the enemy saw movement toward the retreat taking place, he turned up the heat a little more and a little more, until the last few days before the retreat became almost unbearable.
This is a normal and very common response for participants of the retreat, and the leader of my site at that time knew this, so the day before the retreat, when I was literally still sitting on the fence of "should I stay or should I go," she called me to reassure me. I was flooded with relief when I heard her voice on the other end of the phone line. Shelley encouraged me to come, she reassured me I could leave if I didn't like it, she shared how powerful and healing her retreat had been and how much it had changed her life, she shared how wonderful it felt to be healed and she attributed a great deal of her healing to her retreat; and I was touched and moved by all that she shared.
Even still, with all that she shared, I still had no idea what to expect, no idea the type of treat I was in for over the course of the weekend. And what a treat it truly was! I don't want to share too much, as I don't want to take away from the surprise and delight that comes from discovering something new to us. I will say, if you are teetering on the fence I sat on those weeks before my retreat, please make the decision to step on over to the side of coming to the retreat, and allowing yourself this beautiful, God-breathed retreat and program. You will be so glad you did. You will spend the weekend immersed in the Holy Spirit, seeking God's face and truly forgiving heart that longs for you and your healing more than you could ever imagine. If you allow yourself to, you will break through the surface of your psychological numbing and fear based hiding, and will be led through the depths of your pain and sorrow, only to discover your lost child and healing for your own woundedness in the process. You will experience blessings on top of blessings throughout the weekend, and you will leave the weekend with the bittersweet longing to return there again and again to receive the healing that can only come from time alone with Jesus.
I pray that you will come, if you feel God speaking to your heart to come. I've known from the beginning of organizing this new site that He would assemble the team of facilitators that He wants to be there, and will bring the group of women and men that He wants to minister to together for the weekend of October 19-21st, 2012. I choose to rest in His faithfulness.
The word FEAR comes to mind more than anything else, when I look back at the weeks prior to my retreat. It is probably the most powerful tool in the arsenal of the enemy, and in an ironic way: evil uses the tool of fear to encourage the choice of abortion in the beginning, and then uses it later to reinforce our captivity and to strengthen the ties that keep us bound to a life of shame. It is a convenient and easy tool to use, not to mention effective, and the weeks leading up to the retreat are certainly fertile ground for this seed to take root and produce the fruit of continued self-condemnation and ridicule.
I first discovered Rachel's Vineyard because I was online looking one day at resources regarding starting a non-profit organization to assist women and men in dealing with post abortion pain. I knew at this time that God was calling me into this type of ministry, but was unsure in what capacity He planned to use my life. I came across the website for Rachel's Vineyard and was immediately attracted to the thought of attending a retreat, where I could actually talk outloud in the presence of others about my abortions, which was an area of my life that was still very much a secret, and a burden to carry. I had been through several Bible studies, had read books and worked through my issues on my own and briefly with a counselor as much as I could, and felt I was "healed" and ready to help others. And had done so in volunteer work at my local Pregnancy Care Center. He spoke to me that day through the computer in opening my eyes to Rachel's Vineyard and their work, God, in all His wisdom, was revealing His plan for my life.
I remember in the late summer, early fall of 2009, feeling very conflicted about going to my retreat. On the one hand, I welcomed as I've shared the opportunity to give my pain a voice and very much the ability to be part of a group who understood that special and delicate type of pain. On the other hand, I didn't know who these people were, and the thought of getting together with strangers and sharing these indescribably painful and horrific details of my most intimate thoughts and feelings with them scared me. Of course, I feared rejection and judgment the most, but there were other things too, like, what if I know someone there and they'll know my secret?, what if I don't like it?, what if I don't feel safe there?, what if I get lost going there?, what if I can't afford it?, what if my husband doesn't want me to go?, what if it would be a waste of time, maybe I don't need it, what if the facilitators are judgmental and cold?, what if the other participants are mean to me?, what if it doesn't help me?, what if it makes me uncomfortable?, on and on the list of thoughts, the "buts" and the "what if's" flowed day and nightly almost, in my dreams even.
I continued to pray. I continued to seek God's will. I knew, bottom line, that I wanted to be healed, and I wanted His will to be done in my life, and if I knew that He was calling me into this type of ministry, then I would have to do some things that took me out of my comfort zone. I knew I would have to step out on faith and do things that would have unpredictable outcomes. Also, at that time I was still dealing with an unbelievable panic attack issue that had started during my graduate work in obtaining my counseling degree. I couldn't speak in front of others, even in smaller groups, I would feel a lump in my throat so big that speaking and breathing were difficult. Even writing this right now, I can feel the lump rising in my throat as I recall the memories of a time that this anxiety response ran my life. So, the thought of being a part of a group, and having to talk about anything, let alone my abortions, was extremely difficult for me to consider for very long periods of time. Nevertheless, I talked it over with my husband, who was very supportive of me going, and we decided it would be a positive experience for me in helping me move forward with this type of work. But, as the enemy saw movement toward the retreat taking place, he turned up the heat a little more and a little more, until the last few days before the retreat became almost unbearable.
This is a normal and very common response for participants of the retreat, and the leader of my site at that time knew this, so the day before the retreat, when I was literally still sitting on the fence of "should I stay or should I go," she called me to reassure me. I was flooded with relief when I heard her voice on the other end of the phone line. Shelley encouraged me to come, she reassured me I could leave if I didn't like it, she shared how powerful and healing her retreat had been and how much it had changed her life, she shared how wonderful it felt to be healed and she attributed a great deal of her healing to her retreat; and I was touched and moved by all that she shared.
Even still, with all that she shared, I still had no idea what to expect, no idea the type of treat I was in for over the course of the weekend. And what a treat it truly was! I don't want to share too much, as I don't want to take away from the surprise and delight that comes from discovering something new to us. I will say, if you are teetering on the fence I sat on those weeks before my retreat, please make the decision to step on over to the side of coming to the retreat, and allowing yourself this beautiful, God-breathed retreat and program. You will be so glad you did. You will spend the weekend immersed in the Holy Spirit, seeking God's face and truly forgiving heart that longs for you and your healing more than you could ever imagine. If you allow yourself to, you will break through the surface of your psychological numbing and fear based hiding, and will be led through the depths of your pain and sorrow, only to discover your lost child and healing for your own woundedness in the process. You will experience blessings on top of blessings throughout the weekend, and you will leave the weekend with the bittersweet longing to return there again and again to receive the healing that can only come from time alone with Jesus.
I pray that you will come, if you feel God speaking to your heart to come. I've known from the beginning of organizing this new site that He would assemble the team of facilitators that He wants to be there, and will bring the group of women and men that He wants to minister to together for the weekend of October 19-21st, 2012. I choose to rest in His faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23 says "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; GREAT is Your Faithfulness!"
See ya there! :)
Monday, September 10, 2012
Pro-Life experience this past weekend
I was offered the opportunity to volunteer in the Pro-Life booth of our town's festival this past weekend, along with the opportunity to pass out information about the upcoming retreat and Oaks Studio ministry. I was thrilled to be asked and anticipated my time there all last week.
After more than a week of anticipation before the festival, I found myself experiencing all kinds of mixed emotions during my time in the booth this past Saturday. I felt at times relief to be in the company of others passing by that were proud to see our display and joined in our pleas to end abortion altogether; some of the time I was met with resistant, almost insulting glares from passers by that clearly were pro-choice; then at other times I was met with people who clearly had a heart for the unborn, and were so completely confused by the desire of any woman or man to "stop a beating heart in the womb." It was clear to me, as I presented the fact that many who choose abortion are hurting themselves, that we have a long way to go in educating people about the pain of the post abortive woman or man; along with cultivating a compassion for them, rather than the old stand by judgment and condemning of them.
At times I felt I needed to guard myself against the judgement I felt from some that were volunteering with me, luckily, I had been prepared for that through the Holy Spirit. While I felt the need to guard myself, I am thankful that I did not feel devastated by this; rather I was reminded that I am forgiven, and that my sins are not greater than God's grace. I felt relieved that I could come and go and continue in this ministry knowing that I am more than the sum of my two abortions, knowing that God, in His infinite power, grace and wisdom, can use my mistakes and poor choices to minister to others who are hurting. That's my desire now. My heart's desire has always been to please Him, even though during darker times I strayed away from Him and found myself in serious messes.
I feel bad for the people I met who voiced no sympathy for the women and men who choose abortion, but rather seemed filled with a hate for them and a strong desire to make their condemnation known. I heard myself saying several times, "have you never been in a dark and desperate place, a place where you could not hear God's voice, and could not see any other option but the sinful one?" We have all been there, in some form or another. Maybe we didn't choose an abortion at that time, maybe we chose adultery, or thievery, or dishonesty of some kind, the sin does not matter, sin is sin.
In one of our weekend retreat activities, we stand with Jesus and the accused woman, and Jesus says to the Pharisees, "let the one among you without sin, cast the first stone," and that is what I kept hearing in the back of my mind as I looked at these indignant people, standing on the side of "truth," that had no love for the sinful person who chose abortion. When we start to do what Jesus did; love the sinner, not the sin, we will become more like Him.
It's no wonder it took more than a decade of work to come out of my grief and despair about my abortions. It's no wonder the hardest part for me was forgiving myself for what I had done. For many years I stood with these indignant people in condemning myself, in hating myself for the choices I had made; not one shred of compassion for myself to be found, but that was not of God, that was the enemy in all his finest, spinning his lies of hate and vehement accusation toward my soul. He nearly convinced me that I was unlovable and unforgivable, that my sin was too great, that I had finally pushed the limits too far, and that God would not have me back again. I let him convince me almost to the point of taking my own life to atone for those of my children, but thank God I didn't. The enemy was wrong. They are wrong. Abortion is a sin. I've never minced words about that and never will. But to make out like it is too big of a sin for God to forgive is evil work. God's grace can and does surpass this sin and all others in our world. I am thankful for the forgiveness I have received. I am thankful that when I look in the mirror I see more than an abortionist, I see a woman who despite her flaws and failures is loved anyway because of a sacrifice made many centuries ago on the Cross at Calvary for your sins and mine; and I graciously thank Jesus for dying for me again!
After more than a week of anticipation before the festival, I found myself experiencing all kinds of mixed emotions during my time in the booth this past Saturday. I felt at times relief to be in the company of others passing by that were proud to see our display and joined in our pleas to end abortion altogether; some of the time I was met with resistant, almost insulting glares from passers by that clearly were pro-choice; then at other times I was met with people who clearly had a heart for the unborn, and were so completely confused by the desire of any woman or man to "stop a beating heart in the womb." It was clear to me, as I presented the fact that many who choose abortion are hurting themselves, that we have a long way to go in educating people about the pain of the post abortive woman or man; along with cultivating a compassion for them, rather than the old stand by judgment and condemning of them.
At times I felt I needed to guard myself against the judgement I felt from some that were volunteering with me, luckily, I had been prepared for that through the Holy Spirit. While I felt the need to guard myself, I am thankful that I did not feel devastated by this; rather I was reminded that I am forgiven, and that my sins are not greater than God's grace. I felt relieved that I could come and go and continue in this ministry knowing that I am more than the sum of my two abortions, knowing that God, in His infinite power, grace and wisdom, can use my mistakes and poor choices to minister to others who are hurting. That's my desire now. My heart's desire has always been to please Him, even though during darker times I strayed away from Him and found myself in serious messes.
I feel bad for the people I met who voiced no sympathy for the women and men who choose abortion, but rather seemed filled with a hate for them and a strong desire to make their condemnation known. I heard myself saying several times, "have you never been in a dark and desperate place, a place where you could not hear God's voice, and could not see any other option but the sinful one?" We have all been there, in some form or another. Maybe we didn't choose an abortion at that time, maybe we chose adultery, or thievery, or dishonesty of some kind, the sin does not matter, sin is sin.
In one of our weekend retreat activities, we stand with Jesus and the accused woman, and Jesus says to the Pharisees, "let the one among you without sin, cast the first stone," and that is what I kept hearing in the back of my mind as I looked at these indignant people, standing on the side of "truth," that had no love for the sinful person who chose abortion. When we start to do what Jesus did; love the sinner, not the sin, we will become more like Him.
It's no wonder it took more than a decade of work to come out of my grief and despair about my abortions. It's no wonder the hardest part for me was forgiving myself for what I had done. For many years I stood with these indignant people in condemning myself, in hating myself for the choices I had made; not one shred of compassion for myself to be found, but that was not of God, that was the enemy in all his finest, spinning his lies of hate and vehement accusation toward my soul. He nearly convinced me that I was unlovable and unforgivable, that my sin was too great, that I had finally pushed the limits too far, and that God would not have me back again. I let him convince me almost to the point of taking my own life to atone for those of my children, but thank God I didn't. The enemy was wrong. They are wrong. Abortion is a sin. I've never minced words about that and never will. But to make out like it is too big of a sin for God to forgive is evil work. God's grace can and does surpass this sin and all others in our world. I am thankful for the forgiveness I have received. I am thankful that when I look in the mirror I see more than an abortionist, I see a woman who despite her flaws and failures is loved anyway because of a sacrifice made many centuries ago on the Cross at Calvary for your sins and mine; and I graciously thank Jesus for dying for me again!
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Working Hard
I'm working hard, and so is the team, at pulling together the pieces we need to start the new Interdenominational site, and it is very exciting to be following God's leading in my life. It is a lot of work, and I knew it would be, isn't anything worth doing hard work? May God be with us as I and our team pulls together over the next couple of months to prepare and plan for the first retreat in our new site. We have a strong team of helpers and healers, and every single one of us has been through trials that have left us in need of healing, and we give all the glory to the one true Healer, Jesus!
I'm so excited for the women and men who are coming, who don't even know they're coming yet. I am so excited to meet them, to know them, to touch their lives, to watch God transform their lives, and to just be able to be a vessel and/or witness them healing. I pray that each and every woman and man who is intended and ordained by God to be there, will reach out to Oaks Studio and follow His leading in their lives. Many are praying for us. Many are asking God to move. And I, for one, can't wait to see what He is up to. What a blessing to be called in this way, to serve in this delicate matter, to seek to fulfill my purpose here. I used to wonder, why did I do this? I just couldn't comprehend my abortion choices, they didn't make sense to me; they were the ANTI-me. And one day I realized, if I hadn't made those choices I wouldn't be able to serve in this way, and I can't imagine that. I can't imagine, now that God has shown me the purpose He has for me, I can't fathom NOT doing what I'm seeking to do, what I AM doing. Was that why they were so agonizing for me? Was that why the entire process was so traumatic for me? It was so against my spirit, my nature, my true desires, that I had an all out war raging inside me, yet I finished it, I went through with it. If I had not, there would be no Oaks Studio today, there would be no new group assembled to serve in our new site, there would be no looking forward to watching and participating in the healing of others' pain, no facilitating or aiding in that healing. God's plan, and His timing. Now, that doesn't mean "God made me do it," please, don't misunderstand what I'm saying. I am saying, God knew what I was going to do, before I did it! And just as in Jacob's story of his jealous brothers, "evil meant it for bad, but God meant it for good." You see, only God, in all of His infinite wisdom, could create something beautiful out of something as wretched as abortion. Only He could create healing from death and sorrow. Romans 8:28 reminds us, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." I do believe this. I will always believe this.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Dawn
I never really thought about it or realized how much I like my middle name, until recently. Dawn, my middle name, was a part of me I just accepted at face value, and didn't really link it to the reality of what it means. Isn't it funny how little things like that just escape notice sometimes in our lives: Then, suddenly one day, it's like a sparkle or flash of light catches our eye; an we examine more closely and carefully that commonplace thing, whatever it may be, and discover the underlying beauty it has had all along in our lives. I realized the dawn represents a new and fresh start each and every day, which happens to be one of the privileges of life that I adore most. I taught school for almost a decade, before I stared counseling, and one of my favorite things about teaching was the fact that we enjoyed a summer break, and came back each school year for a new and fresh start. I loved that feeling! It was like a huge breath of fresh air. In fact, I've been thinking all week about the teachers and students returning to the classroom for a new year, and how much I miss having a classroom full of eager students to get to know.
That is what God offers us each and every morning with the breaking of the dawn, a new start, a fresh beginning, and a precious opportunity to meet Him where we are. He offers us renewal and regeneration, and hope through His everlasting love and strength. When we think we can't face another day of missing our children, or dealing with the pain of guilt and shame that often becomes our existence, we are allowing evil to veil and obstruct the dawn's light. We are missing the gift that is being extended to us through the breaking of a new day, and the shining of a restorative and healing light on our faces. "The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day," Psalm 4:18. Ask Him to shine the light of dawn in your heart and fill you with a radiance and warmth that only our Healer can give. He is faithful to honor our prayers, all we need to do is ask.
That is what God offers us each and every morning with the breaking of the dawn, a new start, a fresh beginning, and a precious opportunity to meet Him where we are. He offers us renewal and regeneration, and hope through His everlasting love and strength. When we think we can't face another day of missing our children, or dealing with the pain of guilt and shame that often becomes our existence, we are allowing evil to veil and obstruct the dawn's light. We are missing the gift that is being extended to us through the breaking of a new day, and the shining of a restorative and healing light on our faces. "The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day," Psalm 4:18. Ask Him to shine the light of dawn in your heart and fill you with a radiance and warmth that only our Healer can give. He is faithful to honor our prayers, all we need to do is ask.
Monday, August 6, 2012
My Feelings Are Hurt
I went out today again to post flyers and post cards around the community college campuses in my area, thinking women of all ages trek those halls in pursuit of some degree or certification in some field or another; and knowing that 43% of them, age 48 and under, statistically speaking, have had at least one abortion, surely some of them are hurting from their abortion choice, and need to find the healing and peace that God so desires for them. Seemed an obvious place to target to share word of our weekend retreats to me, wouldn't you agree?
In one building on one of the campuses, as I'm exiting the building, I happen to see a woman who works at this particular building on this particular campus, removing the flyer and the post card that I had just posted moments before that. Now, keep in mind, I have been very respectful of the bulletin board rules, and if the bulletin boards were for specific clubs and so forth, I did not post my flyers there. I posted on the boards that had random everyday things posted, such as flyers about books or races that are being run in the area, or cleaning companies looking for business, etc. And I can't help it, my feelings are hurt that this particular woman felt it necessary to remove only my flyer and my post card.
On a completely different campus, in a completely different county, I hung a flyer up on a board on my way into the campus, and on my way out to my car noticed it had been taken down, and all of the former available push pins had been removed from the board as well. Can you imagine? I hung it right in the middle of the board, in between a flyer advertising a children's consignment shop, a 5k race that's coming up soon, and a cleaning service's business card. Now, why was my flyer about post-abortion healing the only flyer that had been removed? Not only that, they took away the push pins, as to be sure that I would not be able to put up another flyer; which I did anyway because I happened to be prepared with a stapler and an extra 5,000 staples, should I need to use them! A woman on a mission cannot afford to be unprepared!
My feelings were hurt, still are, that's why I'm writing you. I have to get this out of me. The first thing that went through my mind, when I saw the woman at the first campus removing my information was, "what does it matter to you if that flyer hangs on that board or not? What difference could it possibly make in your life? Yet, what a huge, everlasting change it COULD mean in SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE!" I thought, is she pro-choice, or does she hate women who have had abortions, and therefore feels they deserve no healing, or is she simply an agent of evil trying to get in the way of God's work? I started to ask her why she was removing them, my flyer and my post card, and part of me wishes I had of. But, I didn't, it was early in my day and I thought, "save your energy and keep doing what you know you are being lead to do, God has this!" I didn't want her words in my head, her image removing my info was enough to carry out of that building with me. But, I did want her to understand the importance of this work, and still do. I want her to want the same thing that I want, healing for all women and men, no matter what they've done, or where they've been.
The second time it happened, I couldn't help but think, "what is wrong with people in this world?" "Where are our hearts? Where are our minds? What happened to freedom of speech." It has always been so easy for me to take what I need and leave what I don't need alone, why can't others do the same? If you don't believe it, or need it, or want it, then leave it alone, but don't take it away from the rest of us, because WE MIGHT JUST NEED IT!!! I want/ed to scream, "don't you want your women and men here on this campus to be healthy? Don't you want the wounded to receive healing? What is wrong with you? Why would a flyer about post-abortion healing threaten someone? I don't get it, I truly don't get it.
I will have to pray about this, I will have to pray for the "seen woman" and the "un-seen remover," as well. I will have to pray for understanding and insight. I will pray for compassion. But, I will NOT stop the work I know God is leading me to do. I will not.
Hebrews 12:1-3 says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders us and the sin that so entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
Thank you, Lord, You always know what I need to hear. I will think of You and what You suffered, and I will not grow weary and lose heart! Give me Your strength and sustain me in carrying on. Help me not be put off by anything or anyone who seeks to hinder or entangle me or my purpose. Strengthen me, Lord Jesus, so that I may run with perseverance the race that you have marked out for me in my life. May Your name be glorified! May You always be praised!!
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Our New Site is Developing Nicely!
I am working hard to advertise our new site, and what an exciting time this is! I can see
God Winks everywhere I turn, and it is so amazing to feel that He is with me every step I take. I pray that many women and men will hear about our new site and will come to the retreats to find forgiveness from God and themselves, and to receive the healing that our Lord desires so much for them.
Abortion is a devastating choice for many women in many ways. I know that there are millions of people hurting from their past abortions and I want so much to help them find the healing that I have found and experienced, and am so thankful for even as I write this.
For me, the retreat was "the icing on the cake." I had worked so hard on my own for so long to find the healing that I needed, but something was still missing. I still had these doubts and whispers of "am I really healed?" The retreat was closure for me. In my co-facilitation of these retreats, I am always amazed at how much each person who attends is blessed, whether that person is in the early stages of healing, or like I was, had been working at it for quite some time. This program is fit for all stages of the healing process, and the healing is VERY MUCH a process. It takes much time, as any type of grief does. Abortion has so many other layers on top of just the usual grief of having lost a loved one that it definitely qualifies for the label of "complicated grief." There are so many others things that go along with it, like the guilt of knowing you choose this loss, your survivor guilt as a mother, the trauma of the actual experience, and the other relationships that in some way, directly or indirectly, attributed to the abortion, and countless other issues.
I will continue to work, even as I have faith that God will bring together the group of women and men that He wants present in our retreat on October 19-21st, 2012. I pray that if you are in need of these retreats, that you will pick up the phone and register @ 828.919.8020. May God Bless You!
God Winks everywhere I turn, and it is so amazing to feel that He is with me every step I take. I pray that many women and men will hear about our new site and will come to the retreats to find forgiveness from God and themselves, and to receive the healing that our Lord desires so much for them.
Abortion is a devastating choice for many women in many ways. I know that there are millions of people hurting from their past abortions and I want so much to help them find the healing that I have found and experienced, and am so thankful for even as I write this.
For me, the retreat was "the icing on the cake." I had worked so hard on my own for so long to find the healing that I needed, but something was still missing. I still had these doubts and whispers of "am I really healed?" The retreat was closure for me. In my co-facilitation of these retreats, I am always amazed at how much each person who attends is blessed, whether that person is in the early stages of healing, or like I was, had been working at it for quite some time. This program is fit for all stages of the healing process, and the healing is VERY MUCH a process. It takes much time, as any type of grief does. Abortion has so many other layers on top of just the usual grief of having lost a loved one that it definitely qualifies for the label of "complicated grief." There are so many others things that go along with it, like the guilt of knowing you choose this loss, your survivor guilt as a mother, the trauma of the actual experience, and the other relationships that in some way, directly or indirectly, attributed to the abortion, and countless other issues.
I will continue to work, even as I have faith that God will bring together the group of women and men that He wants present in our retreat on October 19-21st, 2012. I pray that if you are in need of these retreats, that you will pick up the phone and register @ 828.919.8020. May God Bless You!
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Fatherhood Lost
Often when we think about abortion, our focus of concern is on the mothers, because the baby was conceived within the mother's body, and it's the mothers who experience the physical act of abortion. However, the fathers who also conceived a child often struggle with the pain abortion can cause, whether they supported the abortion choice or not.
If a woman chooses to have an abortion, even though her partner and father of her child does not support this decision, it can cause incredible feelings of anger and resentment from the father toward the mother, be it his wife or girlfriend. If the rejection of the idea of abortion is not respected and valued within the couples' relationship, a deep rift can occur. This rift is not impossible to repair or heal, but it does require an incredible amount of love and validation within the relationship, not to mention a great deal of time and patience on the part of both partners as the healing evolves.
If a man assists his wife or girlfriend in the affirmative decision to have an abortion, he still has lost a child, and may at a later time need to address this loss, and go through the grieving process in order to heal and cope with the fact that his child is no more, even if the initial response is a feeling of relief. Even men, who insist that the mothers of their children have the abortions, will often later regret their decision and wish that they could resend their former votes for the abortions to occur.
Another scenario is equally represented in the men who think they are doing the "politically correct" thing by leaving the decision and choice completely up to their partner. It sounds good, after all doesn't society trumpet that abortion is a woman's choice to do what she wants to do with her own body, and to deny her that choice is unconstitutional. Even in this situation, you have a man who has at least a 50/50 chance of losing his child. Sometimes the woman in this type of situation welcomes the ability to make her own choice, but sometimes she feels abandoned and alone in making her decision, and wishes desperately that the father of her child would stand with her in fighting for that child's life.
Either way the situation works out, if you are a man and have lost a child to abortion, your loss is valid and it matters. Whether you supported the idea of abortion or not is not relative to the fact that you lost fatherhood in this situation. You may struggle with feelings of anger, resentment, helplessness and hopelessness. You may fight bouts of depression as you grieve for your lost child. You may suffer relational problems due to the circumstances of the abortion decision. Whatever your situation or the circumstances surrounding your loss of fatherhood, there are resources to help you, and there is hope for you in overcoming this loss.
One of the many things that I love so much about the Rachel's Vineyard retreats is the emphasis for healing for fathers following a pregnancy termination. At these retreats, you, as fathers, have the opportunity to share your feelings openly and honestly with others who understand your loss, and you get to honor your child in the process and find the closure that you need. I would encourage any male who has lost a child to abortion to attend a weekend retreat to work on the grief that you have for your lost child. Oaks Studio is proud to be establishing a new Interdenominational site with our first retreat as a new site occurring on the weekend of October 19-21st. For more information on the new site, visit HERE.
Oaks Studio is also committed to helping fathers who have lost children to abortion, no matter the situation in which it occurred. Please check out the Fatherhood Losses page of the website for additional information and resources for working through your grief and loss issues. May God bless you as you work in this important and valid area of loss.
If a woman chooses to have an abortion, even though her partner and father of her child does not support this decision, it can cause incredible feelings of anger and resentment from the father toward the mother, be it his wife or girlfriend. If the rejection of the idea of abortion is not respected and valued within the couples' relationship, a deep rift can occur. This rift is not impossible to repair or heal, but it does require an incredible amount of love and validation within the relationship, not to mention a great deal of time and patience on the part of both partners as the healing evolves.
If a man assists his wife or girlfriend in the affirmative decision to have an abortion, he still has lost a child, and may at a later time need to address this loss, and go through the grieving process in order to heal and cope with the fact that his child is no more, even if the initial response is a feeling of relief. Even men, who insist that the mothers of their children have the abortions, will often later regret their decision and wish that they could resend their former votes for the abortions to occur.
Another scenario is equally represented in the men who think they are doing the "politically correct" thing by leaving the decision and choice completely up to their partner. It sounds good, after all doesn't society trumpet that abortion is a woman's choice to do what she wants to do with her own body, and to deny her that choice is unconstitutional. Even in this situation, you have a man who has at least a 50/50 chance of losing his child. Sometimes the woman in this type of situation welcomes the ability to make her own choice, but sometimes she feels abandoned and alone in making her decision, and wishes desperately that the father of her child would stand with her in fighting for that child's life.
Either way the situation works out, if you are a man and have lost a child to abortion, your loss is valid and it matters. Whether you supported the idea of abortion or not is not relative to the fact that you lost fatherhood in this situation. You may struggle with feelings of anger, resentment, helplessness and hopelessness. You may fight bouts of depression as you grieve for your lost child. You may suffer relational problems due to the circumstances of the abortion decision. Whatever your situation or the circumstances surrounding your loss of fatherhood, there are resources to help you, and there is hope for you in overcoming this loss.
One of the many things that I love so much about the Rachel's Vineyard retreats is the emphasis for healing for fathers following a pregnancy termination. At these retreats, you, as fathers, have the opportunity to share your feelings openly and honestly with others who understand your loss, and you get to honor your child in the process and find the closure that you need. I would encourage any male who has lost a child to abortion to attend a weekend retreat to work on the grief that you have for your lost child. Oaks Studio is proud to be establishing a new Interdenominational site with our first retreat as a new site occurring on the weekend of October 19-21st. For more information on the new site, visit HERE.
Oaks Studio is also committed to helping fathers who have lost children to abortion, no matter the situation in which it occurred. Please check out the Fatherhood Losses page of the website for additional information and resources for working through your grief and loss issues. May God bless you as you work in this important and valid area of loss.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
A Little Bird
This morning I was awakened by a little bird chirping and singing so sweetly outside my bedroom window. I don't know what kind of bird it was, but immediately I thought of the sparrow and the reference to them that Jesus makes in Matthew 10:29-31:
What a powerful message to be reminded of on days like today, when I feel small and unimportant. I have to remember the value that Jesus places on my life, and internalize that as I think of my own worth as a person. He doesn't say, "if you've lived this way," or "if you haven't done this or that," he says definitively, "you are more valuable to Him..." That is what matters. Looking forward to the future and doing our best to live for Him now is what matters. The enemy will try his best to remind us of the past and what he wants us to believe that makes of us, but Jesus is about now, and He is ready in every moment to take us in. He loves us for who we are right now. I love the quote: "Persistence not Perfection." He does not expect us to be perfect, only to try our best to be like Him in everything we do, in every decision we make. When we fail to do that, the best outcome possible is to try to learn from it, not repeat it and help others to not make the same mistakes.
"Not even a sparrow, worth only half a penny,
can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it.
And the very hairs on your head are all numbered.
So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to Him
than a whole flock of sparrows."
What a powerful message to be reminded of on days like today, when I feel small and unimportant. I have to remember the value that Jesus places on my life, and internalize that as I think of my own worth as a person. He doesn't say, "if you've lived this way," or "if you haven't done this or that," he says definitively, "you are more valuable to Him..." That is what matters. Looking forward to the future and doing our best to live for Him now is what matters. The enemy will try his best to remind us of the past and what he wants us to believe that makes of us, but Jesus is about now, and He is ready in every moment to take us in. He loves us for who we are right now. I love the quote: "Persistence not Perfection." He does not expect us to be perfect, only to try our best to be like Him in everything we do, in every decision we make. When we fail to do that, the best outcome possible is to try to learn from it, not repeat it and help others to not make the same mistakes.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Getting Ready for Work
I have prayed for as long as I can remember for God to show me what he created me to do, and how He would use my life for His glory. Then for years, I knew He wanted me to serve in the post-abortion ministry, but I struggled to know how and when and where. Believing then that I was ready, and completely prepared, He knew better.
In 2007 something awful happened in my life, and I believe it was the final step in His plan for preparing me for this very necessary work. The one thing that had been holding me back from jumping into this ministry with both feet was gone. You see I wanted to answer God's call in my life, but I didn't want my parents and extended family to know about my abortions, so I would hold back and subconsciously say, "if not for that, I could do it, but what about that?" I never had these thoughts in my conscious mind, but He knew they were there, He knows everything about us, down to how many hairs are on my head, and yours, right now. Of course, He could see that what was holding me back from answering His call was my family, so one day, they were gone. No, they didn't all die at the same time, but it was as if they did. Our family encountered a horrible evil that divided our family and put numerous people, my husband, my baby, myself and my niece, at risk. That evil sought to destroy us, and it nearly did. God knew this would be the ultimate test, and another very dark passage for me to go through; and He knew that through it all, He would carry me. At times I did not want to go on, but I had an infant to take care of; at times he was all that motivated me to get out of bed. The family that I feared judgement from had turned on me, and was responsible for this dark time; and now we cannot come back from it.
When you go through something like that, it changes who you are. You realize that if your biological family does not value you at all, then what does it matter of other people? I had spent my whole life hearing, "what would the neighbors think?" Well, now I think, "who cares what the neighbors think?" I care about pleasing God, my Father, the Creator of the Universe, and He never looks at me in shame, He has never abandoned me; and He will never fail me. If I am living in His will and my life is for Him, what do I care if people like me, get me, value me, or judge me? I used to be so very afraid, no absolutely terrified, that people would look down on me because I had two abortions, and I had to lose my family to realize it just doesn't matter anymore. What matters to me now, is using what I know, have been through, have learned through my life and the regrets that I have to help other women and men to end their struggles with the strong holds that come along with having an abortion(s). Nothing matters to me more now than answering His call in my life.
Of course, I have some fear about not "doing it right," and just different insecurities like that, but don't we all? I have to hold onto the fact that I can do all things through Him, and continue seeking His will in what to do day to day. I see doors opening before me, and prayers being answered left and right, and I KNOW He is leading me to start this new site. And just as I told the woman at the retreat center who confirmed this morning that our space is reserved for the first weekend retreat, "there is NO FEELING IN THE WORLD like knowing you are right where God wants you to be and doing exactly what He has called you and created you to be!" No feeling in the world! I am so excited to see what He has planned for us. I am so excited to be able to be a part of the ministry that He has called me to be a part of! Pray for my protection and for my family's protection and for this beautiful team of facilitators that have answered their own callings, and for our ministry and that of Rachel's Vineyard, for all who assist us, and so very importantly, the women and men that He is sending to us for the first retreat. I can't wait to meet them! May God's will be done in all things on earth as it is in heaven!
In 2007 something awful happened in my life, and I believe it was the final step in His plan for preparing me for this very necessary work. The one thing that had been holding me back from jumping into this ministry with both feet was gone. You see I wanted to answer God's call in my life, but I didn't want my parents and extended family to know about my abortions, so I would hold back and subconsciously say, "if not for that, I could do it, but what about that?" I never had these thoughts in my conscious mind, but He knew they were there, He knows everything about us, down to how many hairs are on my head, and yours, right now. Of course, He could see that what was holding me back from answering His call was my family, so one day, they were gone. No, they didn't all die at the same time, but it was as if they did. Our family encountered a horrible evil that divided our family and put numerous people, my husband, my baby, myself and my niece, at risk. That evil sought to destroy us, and it nearly did. God knew this would be the ultimate test, and another very dark passage for me to go through; and He knew that through it all, He would carry me. At times I did not want to go on, but I had an infant to take care of; at times he was all that motivated me to get out of bed. The family that I feared judgement from had turned on me, and was responsible for this dark time; and now we cannot come back from it.
When you go through something like that, it changes who you are. You realize that if your biological family does not value you at all, then what does it matter of other people? I had spent my whole life hearing, "what would the neighbors think?" Well, now I think, "who cares what the neighbors think?" I care about pleasing God, my Father, the Creator of the Universe, and He never looks at me in shame, He has never abandoned me; and He will never fail me. If I am living in His will and my life is for Him, what do I care if people like me, get me, value me, or judge me? I used to be so very afraid, no absolutely terrified, that people would look down on me because I had two abortions, and I had to lose my family to realize it just doesn't matter anymore. What matters to me now, is using what I know, have been through, have learned through my life and the regrets that I have to help other women and men to end their struggles with the strong holds that come along with having an abortion(s). Nothing matters to me more now than answering His call in my life.
Of course, I have some fear about not "doing it right," and just different insecurities like that, but don't we all? I have to hold onto the fact that I can do all things through Him, and continue seeking His will in what to do day to day. I see doors opening before me, and prayers being answered left and right, and I KNOW He is leading me to start this new site. And just as I told the woman at the retreat center who confirmed this morning that our space is reserved for the first weekend retreat, "there is NO FEELING IN THE WORLD like knowing you are right where God wants you to be and doing exactly what He has called you and created you to be!" No feeling in the world! I am so excited to see what He has planned for us. I am so excited to be able to be a part of the ministry that He has called me to be a part of! Pray for my protection and for my family's protection and for this beautiful team of facilitators that have answered their own callings, and for our ministry and that of Rachel's Vineyard, for all who assist us, and so very importantly, the women and men that He is sending to us for the first retreat. I can't wait to meet them! May God's will be done in all things on earth as it is in heaven!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
A Poem I Wrote in 2003
I was looking through some old books trying to find some contact information of old friends through the Pregnancy Care Center and found an old poem that I wrote when I was involved in a "Her Choice To Heal" Recovery Group, and thought that I would share it with you. As I read over it, I thought it was very poignant and descriptive of the journey from abortion, through grief, and finally (thankfully) to healing.
My Path
Afraid, Alone, Abandoned
Trapped, Desperate, Unsure
Confused, Convinced, Resolved
Scared, Absurd, Hysterical
Relieved, Ashamed, Guilty
Denial, Numb, Rationalized
Demoralized, Angry, Vindictive
Self-Hate, Dehumanized, Exposed,
Painful, Depressed, Lonely
Sad, Guilt-Ridden, Overwhelmed
Overcome, Emotional, Explosive
Repentive, Hopeless, Powerless
Accused, Chastised, Mocked
Mercy, Hope, Forgiveness
Realization, Understanding, Self-Discovery
Purpose, Meaning, Goal-Oriented
Liberation, Freedom, Healing
By: Kim Ollis
Sept. 2003
Monday, June 25, 2012
How I Forgave Myself
As I was saying in my last post, forgiving myself was absolutely the hardest part in recovering from my two abortions. Even with having been a Christian since I was a small child, and having complete faith in God's forgiveness, still for years I struggled with forgiving myself for taking the lives of two of my children. I believed God had forgiven me, the moment I spoke, "oh, Lord, my God, please forgive me for what I have done!" I FELT His forgiveness inside my heart and mind, but I was still there judging and condemning myself, and I felt that I did not deserve the forgiveness God had given me. I felt that I should suffer for the rest of my life for what I had done. I figured God could forgive me, because, well, He is God; but I felt I could NEVER forgive myself.
I remember well asking for forgiveness over and over, even though I felt the assurance that God had forgiven me, and I knew He was helping me and healing me a little every time I spoke with Him in prayer; until finally I felt in my heart that I was annoying God. I can FEEL God speak to me at times, it is not a voice, it is more of a feeling and a phrase or thought simultaneously inside my heart and head; that's how I know it is Him. And one day I felt that He was saying, "Kim, I've already forgiven you for that...it's YOU who has to forgive YOU now, not me." You know, it was that short and to the point. I love the way God speaks to us, it's just the truth, straight to the point with no fluff needed. I remember thinking out loud, "I know I do, but I can't." So, in that moment I was able to acknowledge that I needed to forgive myself and I knew that, but I didn't feel that I could because I felt I needed to punish myself for what I had done. I felt that what I had done was so dirty, and so bad and so condemnable that I could never forgive myself for it, so I was stuck. I was stuck between feeling that I needed to forgive myself, but not knowing how to do it, and not being willing to do it.
One day, as I was thinking about this dilemma and praying about it, it occurred to me that I was holding myself to a standard higher than God's standard, and I thought, "who do I think I am?" "do I really think that I have a higher standard than God has?" "If He will forgive me, what makes me think I shouldn't do the same for myself?" and "if I feel like I don't know how, I need to ask Him how, and I believe He will show me how." And this series of thoughts started a prayer inside me that went like this:
"Dear Lord, I don't know how to forgive myself for what I have done. I know You have forgiven me, and that You desire joy and peace for me, not condemnation. Help me, Lord, to find the way to forgiving myself for my abortions. Show me how I can go about doing this, because I've come to believe that NOT forgiving myself is sinning against You, and that is the LAST thing that I ever want to do again. Please, Lord, honor my prayer and give me the answers that my heart longs to hear." And guess what? He answered my prayer. He told me to begin by making the decision to forgive myself, to say aloud, "Right now, in the name of the Lord, Jesus Christ, I decide to forgive myself for my two abortions, and will no longer hate myself for what I have done."
Now, this was the beginning, I didn't feel instantly better. I wish I could say that I heard trumpets and felt a flash go through me and suddenly I was free from guilt and self hate, and full of forgiveness for myself and all of my sins. It did not happen like that. At first, I felt like I was telling a lie, because in my heart I knew it wasn't true. In my heart, I knew that I didn't forgive myself, even though, I had just made the decision to do it; and even though I may want to in order to not sin against God. He knew instantly my thoughts and feelings, and then whispered, "keep saying this day after day, and it will come to pass. One day your heart will feel what your head knows is best. Making the decision is the first step, trust in Me and I will help you do this." And that is exactly what I did.
Every single time I had a self loathing thought I reminded myself that I had made the decision to forgive myself and that God was helping me to accept that forgiveness and to believe it, and that I trusted God to do what He said He would do. Fear was the number one weapon that the enemy used to convince me that abortion was the only option, and self condemnation was the most powerful one evil used to keep me bound in shame and guilt. It was deeply rooted, deeply from my childhood, and carried into my adulthood, guilt, guilt, guilt...it had been used to parent me and control me all of my life, and after I grew up, I used it on myself. I was so used to feeling guilty, whether I had anything to feel guilty about or not, did not seem to matter. I realized I was a guilt magnet, and that it was time to strip that guilt away. I knew it was time to let my heart fill up with the love and forgiveness for myself that God had so easily lavished on me from the moment I first whispered my prayer of repentance.
We must follow His leading, and even when we don't know how, if we seek Him with all our hearts, we WILL find Him. He promises that in Jeremiah 29:13, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and bring you back from captivity..." Friend, He is faithful, and He is just. If He forgives you, and I know He does, then THROUGH Him you can forgive you. I promise!! Every time you feel guilt after you have forgiven yourself, remind yourself in as stern a voice as you can muster, "I have forgiven myself for that, because God has forgiven me," and tell Him "Thank you," and then let it go. Recognize this to be the enemy trying his best to get you back in that cage called guilt, but you don't have to go, you know better now, you're stronger now, you can, through God, do ALL things!!!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
I Feel Blessed
I really do feel blessed! I am excited to see God working in my life and ministry. It's still unreal to me that I am doing this, this being sharing my story with the world, when just a few years ago I was still stuck in the place of wanting to keep my abortions a secret, to take it with me to my grave, so to speak; and now, I am choosing to share it to help others. The expression, "you've come a long way, Baby," seems to be appropriate here. I can only say that is with no credit of mine, God is good in so many ways!!
For so long I heard His whispers in my heart, and for so long I felt "stuck between a rock and a hard place." The rock being, my desire to keep my secrets for fear of rejection and judgement from others, and the hard place being my strong desire to share myself and my experiences in order to minister to others in the painful places that I have been. And of course, every time I heard the whispers, I knew inside me that I couldn't do both forever. I knew that one day, I would have to be willing to die to myself in order to fulfill His purpose for my life here on this earth. Sometimes I look at my life, the way that I love babies, and respect human life, and those things have always been true about me, and I wonder how in the world did I get here to this place? How did I get to be the woman who has had two abortions? It wasn't okay with me either time. Terminating my pregnancies was never what I wanted to do either time. Neither one of my children were ever "blobs of tissue" in my eyes; sometimes that's what makes me think it took a decade for me to ever heal those wounds and reconcile with myself after I had done this. I didn't believe in it, I just thought I had no choice and had to do it. As I said, it wasn't what I wanted to do, and I wonder how many other women feel that way. I've already met many in my work, and I'll bet I'll meet many, many more in the future.
I am so thankful that God's forgiveness is real, and for every one, no matter how badly we mess things up. I don't believe He punishes us for our sins, if we confess them and turn away from them (don't keep doing them over and over with no real intention of stopping). I believe he forgives us and forgets what we've done. The Bible says in Jeremiah 31:34, that when God forgives us, He “remembers our sins no more." He doesn't bring them up, or throw them up in our faces, as we do to each other so much of the time as humans. He leaves it at the cross where it belongs, and we need to figure out how to follow His example in doing that. No matter how much it hurts us, what was done was done. You don't get over the loss of your child through abortion, rather, you work through that loss and come to a place of healing that will allow you to cope with the reality of what has happened and still live your life in a peace that only He can provide or could ever comprehend. Don't put pressure on yourself to forgive yourself if you can't feel it yet, for me it was the hardest part...I think I'll write about that in the next post.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
My Mentor Said Yes!
The person I asked to be my mentor for the new interdenominational site said, "yes!" She prayed diligently, as did I, and she felt lead by God, as did I, to be my mentor for the first time at the new site for a Rachel's Vineyard Interdenominational Retreat!!! I am thrilled, excited, exhilarated, and empowered! I feel completely blessed and so thankful to know that God is blessing Oaks Studio and the work I'm doing here, and through this new site, I pray that many men and women will be healed from the devastating pain abortion can cause!!!
The location we have chosen is absolutely breathtaking and perfect for a retreat! It is nestled in the mountains of Western North Carolina in Hiddenite, with a fabulous view of the mountains, and tons of privacy! There is a walking trail that goes around a pasture that has horses and alpaca in it. The beautiful retreat center is in an old farm estate has been completely remodeled from the ground up and has the most beautiful, weathered shabby chic feel to it, think white cotton curtains blowing in the breeze and soft, quilts and sheets in every room, and rocking chairs on the front poarch. Each room has it's own private bath, and there are bathrooms in the common areas of the center as well. We will have someone there preparing the food while we meet, but other than that, we will have the entire center to ourselves...you won't have to fear being seen or "bumping into" someone you know. It is a very safe, and welcoming and homey place to be, stay and heal. Outside there are lots of areas for quite contemplation, and time alone. If you'd like to check out the retreat center where we will have the site, you may do so here. We will have particulars on the price for the weekend soon, as we need to figure out the cost of food and so forth, but it will be reasonable, and immensely worth it! We are offering scholarships for the weekends as well for those who want to come for healing, but have not the means to do so...call us, we'll work something out. I hope you'll check it out, if you have any questions whatsoever, please don't hesitate to call, 828.919.8020; if I don't answer, I will return your call as soon as I possibly can. Please, pray about this, and if you feel God leading you to call, we're here for you! Talk to you soon!
The location we have chosen is absolutely breathtaking and perfect for a retreat! It is nestled in the mountains of Western North Carolina in Hiddenite, with a fabulous view of the mountains, and tons of privacy! There is a walking trail that goes around a pasture that has horses and alpaca in it. The beautiful retreat center is in an old farm estate has been completely remodeled from the ground up and has the most beautiful, weathered shabby chic feel to it, think white cotton curtains blowing in the breeze and soft, quilts and sheets in every room, and rocking chairs on the front poarch. Each room has it's own private bath, and there are bathrooms in the common areas of the center as well. We will have someone there preparing the food while we meet, but other than that, we will have the entire center to ourselves...you won't have to fear being seen or "bumping into" someone you know. It is a very safe, and welcoming and homey place to be, stay and heal. Outside there are lots of areas for quite contemplation, and time alone. If you'd like to check out the retreat center where we will have the site, you may do so here. We will have particulars on the price for the weekend soon, as we need to figure out the cost of food and so forth, but it will be reasonable, and immensely worth it! We are offering scholarships for the weekends as well for those who want to come for healing, but have not the means to do so...call us, we'll work something out. I hope you'll check it out, if you have any questions whatsoever, please don't hesitate to call, 828.919.8020; if I don't answer, I will return your call as soon as I possibly can. Please, pray about this, and if you feel God leading you to call, we're here for you! Talk to you soon!
Friday, June 8, 2012
Good News About the Rachel's Vineyard Interdenominational Site
Thankfully, I received some positive news from the Rachel's Vineyard Team, and it seems that if I will agree to a mentor for my first retreat, I am on board to start a new interdenominational site. Yay!!!! It's been quite a wait, and I was honestly getting concerned...but all the while trusting that in His perfect time all things will come to pass. I am beyond excited, and of course, I WANT a mentor there the first time. I've already contacted my choice, in fact I had contacted her already before I heard back about my application. She is going to get back to me about it. I chose the person that was the site leader for my retreat. She had been the leader for 14 years I believe, so I know she is very experienced and will be invaluable in helping get the new site running well.
I am so thrilled to be getting another step closer to answering this call in my life. I cannot emphasize enough how strong my desire is to help others who are hurting from abortion! This is such a silent epidemic and so many women and men are suffering daily as they try to make sense of their lives without their child/ren in them. I want so much to share the healing that I've worked so hard to find for myself with others. I hope to help others to know what I feel I've had to work so hard to figure out mostly for myself. I was so afraid for so long, there is no way I would reach out for help, for fear that someone would "find out." My absolute worst fear was ANYONE finding out about these choices, I would truly at the time almost rather die than have someone know, at least that's how I felt. It has taken me a long time to get to a place of willingness to answer this call. Don't get me wrong, I don't tell everyone I see, and I don't believe we have to share everything we've done wrong with everyone we meet. It's just that now, I know I will be able to share with others what I've done, in the hopes of helping them to find forgiveness for themselves and accept God's forgiveness as well. I would also hope to use my experiences to help other young women to know not to make the same choices that I did, to prevent abortions before they happen, along with helping the post-abortive find healing. I believe this is my primary purpose here, and I want more than anything else in this world to do what God has gifted and created me to do!
I sincerely hope that if you've had an abortion and would like help in finding healing, that you attend a Rachel's Vineyard retreat in your area, they are worldwide, and though this is a Catholic organization, you do NOT have to be Catholic to go, and now there are more and more interdenominational sites that are opening, just like the one I'm planning to start now. I don't see how you could ever regret going to one of these retreats! I firmly believe with everything in me that they are God breathed!!! I am so thankful that Theresa Burke followed God's call in her life to write the books and retreat manuals that she has. May God richly bless her and her husband, Kevin, and their beautiful family, and may God bless you as well.
I am so thrilled to be getting another step closer to answering this call in my life. I cannot emphasize enough how strong my desire is to help others who are hurting from abortion! This is such a silent epidemic and so many women and men are suffering daily as they try to make sense of their lives without their child/ren in them. I want so much to share the healing that I've worked so hard to find for myself with others. I hope to help others to know what I feel I've had to work so hard to figure out mostly for myself. I was so afraid for so long, there is no way I would reach out for help, for fear that someone would "find out." My absolute worst fear was ANYONE finding out about these choices, I would truly at the time almost rather die than have someone know, at least that's how I felt. It has taken me a long time to get to a place of willingness to answer this call. Don't get me wrong, I don't tell everyone I see, and I don't believe we have to share everything we've done wrong with everyone we meet. It's just that now, I know I will be able to share with others what I've done, in the hopes of helping them to find forgiveness for themselves and accept God's forgiveness as well. I would also hope to use my experiences to help other young women to know not to make the same choices that I did, to prevent abortions before they happen, along with helping the post-abortive find healing. I believe this is my primary purpose here, and I want more than anything else in this world to do what God has gifted and created me to do!
I sincerely hope that if you've had an abortion and would like help in finding healing, that you attend a Rachel's Vineyard retreat in your area, they are worldwide, and though this is a Catholic organization, you do NOT have to be Catholic to go, and now there are more and more interdenominational sites that are opening, just like the one I'm planning to start now. I don't see how you could ever regret going to one of these retreats! I firmly believe with everything in me that they are God breathed!!! I am so thankful that Theresa Burke followed God's call in her life to write the books and retreat manuals that she has. May God richly bless her and her husband, Kevin, and their beautiful family, and may God bless you as well.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Photography Fun
Recently, I stopped to
pick a couple of wildflowers, because from a distance they are
beautiful; then up close, they are unbelievable! There must be a
thousand or more little tiny perfect flowers with four petals within
this one massive flower with a single stem and no leaves. I brought
them home and could not stop looking at them, then I thought, I've got
to take pictures, because these aren't going to last forever--in come
obsession...I must have photographed these flowers for an hour almost,
shooting from every angle you can imagine! I couldn't help myself, and I
kept thinking, "how can some people believe there is no God, when I'm
holding in my hand living proof that there is...no one else could create
something of beauty with this magnitude!" I love His handiwork, and I
stop to admire it often! Simple things, like wildflowers, remind me of
how precious I am to Him and how well I am taken care of! Of course, as
I'm photographing and playing with them in Picasa 3 (not a bad little
photo editor for free, I must say) floods of ideas and inspiration for
art quilts streamed in....no telling where this may end up. Enjoy some
of the photos I enjoyed if you'd like, and please, let me know what this
is, if you know...
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Then, I started playing with the Picasa elements to see what fun could be had with these little beauties...
"Inverted colors" filter
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"Heat map" filter
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"Neon" filter
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"Inverted Colors" filter
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Sunday, May 27, 2012
The Key to Eliminating Abortion
I firmly believe that the key to eliminating abortion is to find out what the woman who is considering it is most afraid of, and then help her to overcome that fear without having the abortion, in other words, show her the options that she cannot see in that moment. What is the fear that is causing her to believe or think that abortion is her only option? Is it that she won't be a good mom, or is it that she feels she won't be able to financially handle having a child, is she alone in her pregnancy and needs assistance, is she afraid of what others will say, or afraid of disappointing and making her parents upset, is she afraid of losing her boyfriend/husband? There could be a million different reasons, but I am absolutely convinced that if we could figure out what that fear was and assure her that she can overcome that fear, we would be extremely close to ending abortion as a viable option.
I remember the fear so vividly. It was definitely the strongest and most powerful force in making my abortion choices. The first time, I was in the middle of a separation from my first husband, and barely able to care for myself and my infant son that I already had, physically, emotionally, financially, and mentally. Every coping skill I had was already burned beyond recognition, I had used them all up trying to save my marriage and being a mommy, when I wasn't ready to be a mommy yet, and being so far away from my support system also didn't help. I was so naive, I didn't understand about it being easy to conceive after having a baby ( an many other things), and I couldn't take birth control pills, because they turn me into a raving lunatic. I was so afraid that I couldn't do it all, that I wouldn't be able to survive having another child at that time. Abortion seemed like the only option, the only way for me to survive. It wasn't about being inconvenienced, it was about survival for me.
The second time, I remember overwhelming fear of what my mother would say, of how angry she would be, and how disappointed my father would be, how I would have "shamed the family name," by being pregnant and unmarried. I was raised in a very conservative, religious home, and always taught that sex outside of marriage was wrong. I was also worried about what my fellow teachers would say about me, not to mention my students, after all, I was the one in the front of the classroom talking about abstinence to them. I had always been taught to fear what others may think about me, as if it was the end of the world if one of the neighbors thought poorly of you. I must have heard, "what would the neighbors say," a thousand times growing up in my home. I was taught not to have thoughts and feelings of my own, but to believe what others thought and believed and to go along with it, and "not rock the boat..." I was in a committed, loving relationship, but my boyfriend at the time, my husband now, did not ask me to marry him, and in fact was thinking about moving to a nearby county around this same time to be nearer to his two young children, whose mother was moving them away. I felt so alone, and so afraid for the same reasons again as the first time, with all of the other reasons added on the top of that.
I DID NOT want to have the abortions that I had. I did not want to do it either time. I was so afraid for so many reasons, I can't even name them all, but I remember the fear being overwhelming, suffocating and gripping that I felt paralyzed to do anything else. I thought it was my only option. I could not see another way, either time, no other way. It was as if I was tied up, bound and gagged. I felt I had no other choice to make, even though now, I see clearly that I did, both times. I needed someone there to tell me that I could do it, to help me see the route to take, to support me in keeping my babies.
This is why I say, if we can eliminate the fear, we can eliminate the terminations of unplanned pregnancies. For me, fear is the crux (defined by the dictionary as: something that torments by its puzzling nature; a perplexing difficulty) of the issue. I would guess that it is the single most decisive factor in abortive women.
I remember the fear so vividly. It was definitely the strongest and most powerful force in making my abortion choices. The first time, I was in the middle of a separation from my first husband, and barely able to care for myself and my infant son that I already had, physically, emotionally, financially, and mentally. Every coping skill I had was already burned beyond recognition, I had used them all up trying to save my marriage and being a mommy, when I wasn't ready to be a mommy yet, and being so far away from my support system also didn't help. I was so naive, I didn't understand about it being easy to conceive after having a baby ( an many other things), and I couldn't take birth control pills, because they turn me into a raving lunatic. I was so afraid that I couldn't do it all, that I wouldn't be able to survive having another child at that time. Abortion seemed like the only option, the only way for me to survive. It wasn't about being inconvenienced, it was about survival for me.
The second time, I remember overwhelming fear of what my mother would say, of how angry she would be, and how disappointed my father would be, how I would have "shamed the family name," by being pregnant and unmarried. I was raised in a very conservative, religious home, and always taught that sex outside of marriage was wrong. I was also worried about what my fellow teachers would say about me, not to mention my students, after all, I was the one in the front of the classroom talking about abstinence to them. I had always been taught to fear what others may think about me, as if it was the end of the world if one of the neighbors thought poorly of you. I must have heard, "what would the neighbors say," a thousand times growing up in my home. I was taught not to have thoughts and feelings of my own, but to believe what others thought and believed and to go along with it, and "not rock the boat..." I was in a committed, loving relationship, but my boyfriend at the time, my husband now, did not ask me to marry him, and in fact was thinking about moving to a nearby county around this same time to be nearer to his two young children, whose mother was moving them away. I felt so alone, and so afraid for the same reasons again as the first time, with all of the other reasons added on the top of that.
I DID NOT want to have the abortions that I had. I did not want to do it either time. I was so afraid for so many reasons, I can't even name them all, but I remember the fear being overwhelming, suffocating and gripping that I felt paralyzed to do anything else. I thought it was my only option. I could not see another way, either time, no other way. It was as if I was tied up, bound and gagged. I felt I had no other choice to make, even though now, I see clearly that I did, both times. I needed someone there to tell me that I could do it, to help me see the route to take, to support me in keeping my babies.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
A late Mother's Day Post
This was the best Mother's Day I can remember in a long time, in terms of not grieving so badly for my lost children. If you asked me, "why," I'd probably say it has to do with healing. For the past several years, I had been going through the ritual of going to get my children each a balloon and writing a message to them and sending it away as if to heaven for them to catch and keep. It was a beautiful ritual, a true tradition, and it helped me immensely. This year I planned to do the same, and thought about it a couple of times. But then, when Mother's Day came, I just didn't feel it was necessary this year. A simple whispered prayer, shared between me, them and my heavenly Father was comforting enough. I didn't even cry. I was surrounded by my husband who loves me dearly, and two beautiful boys who adore me and a precious step-daughter who cherishes me, and I felt more whole this year than I can ever remember in my post abortion healing.
I believe this means that I have truly released my children to Jesus to watch, care for and keep for me, until we are joyfully reunited one day. I'm no longer clutching on to them, as if I can change things and save them now, 19+ and 16 years later. It was, I believe, when I attended my retreat in 2009 that for the first time, I truly released them to the Lord. Until then, I had been trying to release them and hold on to them at the same time. After all, I didn't want to end their lives in the first place. It was never easy, or simple, not then, and not now, and rightfully, never will be. That said, I do not believe God wants for me or any other post-abortive, sorrowful woman to punish ourselves and live in misery for the rest of our lives. What is done is done. We can go on with living our lives. We can enjoy the blessings we do have, and do not have to mourn forever. Jesus said in John 16:20, "I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy." That's as plain as you can put it, isn't it? I did weep, I did mourn, I did grieve, and now it is turning to joy, as I surrender to the fact that the clock never goes backward, only forward. I'm reminded in writing this of Anna Nalick's song, "Just Breathe," it's like she says, there's no rewind button, girl...
Another reason I think this Mother's Day was the best one for a long time, is because of my coming to terms with the relationship I have with my own mother now. We are estranged, and have been for the past five years. I don't ever remember a time that I didn't wish my relationship with my mother was different, and I still do; but things have changed now. This year I was able to send her a card, and tell her that I pray for her and that I wish things were different and that I love her. And then something amazing happened, she responded with kind words in return. I felt blessed and at peace for the first time in a very long time, probably the most at peace with our relationship moving forward in life, than I can ever remember feeling. I am accepting, have accepted, which remains to be seen; that we cannot have a close relationship--no matter how much either of us may want to. My mother has never and will never be able to love me in the way that I need her to, that is not an insult, it is not a complaint, it is a fact, a real, honest to goodness fact that I have had to accept somehow, no matter how many nights I went to bed crying because my heart physically hurt for the mother I have always needed her to be. Some may not think exchanging cards on holidays is very much of a relationship, but if it means I don't have to go on being hurt over and over and over emotionally, it's going to have to be enough. I used to think, no matter what issue people had between them, there was no reason that they couldn't sit down and come to some type of compromise or amicable agreement of some kind, I was dead wrong. Some times some tragedies and traumas are too harsh, too radical, too damaging, and there is no going back, there is only left the shell of what you wish things had been, and you have to grieve that too. I had to grieve the loss of my mother and the loss of the mother I wanted and needed her to be as well. That's no easy feat. I don't know how people who have no relationship with my Lord Jesus Christ can survive such circumstances, I cannot fathom it. My faith is the singular gift that has carried me through a time that I couldn't not stand up in. I pray that you can pray, and that you realize, like I have, it's not about "church" or being a "christian" or about "religion," it is about a real, living, breathing relationship with Jesus, with the real, true Healer and Counselor. It's about saying, "I can't get out of bed, please help me," and then turning around years later to see that you have not only survived, you've thrived in the end of a time that you thought would bring about your actual death on this earth.
I believe this means that I have truly released my children to Jesus to watch, care for and keep for me, until we are joyfully reunited one day. I'm no longer clutching on to them, as if I can change things and save them now, 19+ and 16 years later. It was, I believe, when I attended my retreat in 2009 that for the first time, I truly released them to the Lord. Until then, I had been trying to release them and hold on to them at the same time. After all, I didn't want to end their lives in the first place. It was never easy, or simple, not then, and not now, and rightfully, never will be. That said, I do not believe God wants for me or any other post-abortive, sorrowful woman to punish ourselves and live in misery for the rest of our lives. What is done is done. We can go on with living our lives. We can enjoy the blessings we do have, and do not have to mourn forever. Jesus said in John 16:20, "I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy." That's as plain as you can put it, isn't it? I did weep, I did mourn, I did grieve, and now it is turning to joy, as I surrender to the fact that the clock never goes backward, only forward. I'm reminded in writing this of Anna Nalick's song, "Just Breathe," it's like she says, there's no rewind button, girl...
Another reason I think this Mother's Day was the best one for a long time, is because of my coming to terms with the relationship I have with my own mother now. We are estranged, and have been for the past five years. I don't ever remember a time that I didn't wish my relationship with my mother was different, and I still do; but things have changed now. This year I was able to send her a card, and tell her that I pray for her and that I wish things were different and that I love her. And then something amazing happened, she responded with kind words in return. I felt blessed and at peace for the first time in a very long time, probably the most at peace with our relationship moving forward in life, than I can ever remember feeling. I am accepting, have accepted, which remains to be seen; that we cannot have a close relationship--no matter how much either of us may want to. My mother has never and will never be able to love me in the way that I need her to, that is not an insult, it is not a complaint, it is a fact, a real, honest to goodness fact that I have had to accept somehow, no matter how many nights I went to bed crying because my heart physically hurt for the mother I have always needed her to be. Some may not think exchanging cards on holidays is very much of a relationship, but if it means I don't have to go on being hurt over and over and over emotionally, it's going to have to be enough. I used to think, no matter what issue people had between them, there was no reason that they couldn't sit down and come to some type of compromise or amicable agreement of some kind, I was dead wrong. Some times some tragedies and traumas are too harsh, too radical, too damaging, and there is no going back, there is only left the shell of what you wish things had been, and you have to grieve that too. I had to grieve the loss of my mother and the loss of the mother I wanted and needed her to be as well. That's no easy feat. I don't know how people who have no relationship with my Lord Jesus Christ can survive such circumstances, I cannot fathom it. My faith is the singular gift that has carried me through a time that I couldn't not stand up in. I pray that you can pray, and that you realize, like I have, it's not about "church" or being a "christian" or about "religion," it is about a real, living, breathing relationship with Jesus, with the real, true Healer and Counselor. It's about saying, "I can't get out of bed, please help me," and then turning around years later to see that you have not only survived, you've thrived in the end of a time that you thought would bring about your actual death on this earth.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
"Free"
Today I realized this little piece that had been hanging around for so
long had more to say than I thought it did. Today I realized it had a
story to tell, well, a poem at least. From the beginning I kept having
the word "free" pop into my head when I was working on this piece,
reminding me that I feel like a free bird now, not a caged one. So
today, I thought of pulling out one of my favorite poems to become part
of this piece. Maya Angelou wrote, "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings," and the first stanza fits this piece so well:
"The free bird leaps on the back of the wind
and floats downstream till the current ends
and dips his wings in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky."
Have you ever been in an abusive relationship that left you feeling like a bird trapped in a cage? And then one day some kind of catastrophe happened, like a hurricane, and your cage was knocked down and the door flew open and you knew you had to escape, or it would be the end of you? But you didn't want to leave, because that cage was the only thing you had ever known, and you very much loved and needed and wanted the person keeping you in the cage in your life? Knowing you could never, ever replace that person made you not want to be let go. But then, against your wishes, you were freed from the cage by some awful thing, free to be all that you were created to be, but the freedom was scary, and you desperately wanted to be back where you felt comfortable or at least knew what to expect, but you knew you could never go back there? It was a dark place to be until one day, you pulled back the curtain and felt the sun on your face and realized at last that you really were FREE, could really see the freedom right in front of you! Free for the first time in your life, unfortunately it's bittersweet, because you didn't want to be free from the person keeping you in the cage, you just wanted to be free of the cage. You just wanted the person keeping you in the cage to stop trying to keep you bound, and just let you be free WITH them...
This was a blog entry from my fiber art website, which is very meaningful to me. You may want to check out my art site at kimberlyollis.com Much of my artwork is therapeutic, and I use it to work through my own issues of grief and loss.
"The free bird leaps on the back of the wind
and floats downstream till the current ends
and dips his wings in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky."
Have you ever been in an abusive relationship that left you feeling like a bird trapped in a cage? And then one day some kind of catastrophe happened, like a hurricane, and your cage was knocked down and the door flew open and you knew you had to escape, or it would be the end of you? But you didn't want to leave, because that cage was the only thing you had ever known, and you very much loved and needed and wanted the person keeping you in the cage in your life? Knowing you could never, ever replace that person made you not want to be let go. But then, against your wishes, you were freed from the cage by some awful thing, free to be all that you were created to be, but the freedom was scary, and you desperately wanted to be back where you felt comfortable or at least knew what to expect, but you knew you could never go back there? It was a dark place to be until one day, you pulled back the curtain and felt the sun on your face and realized at last that you really were FREE, could really see the freedom right in front of you! Free for the first time in your life, unfortunately it's bittersweet, because you didn't want to be free from the person keeping you in the cage, you just wanted to be free of the cage. You just wanted the person keeping you in the cage to stop trying to keep you bound, and just let you be free WITH them...
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| "Free" 12" x 12" |
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| Detail of "Free" |
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