I have a calendar that counts down the days left until Christmas that I hang every year on my wall. It has a Santa in the middle with a sack full of goodies, and 25 boxes around the perimeter, denoting the first 25 days of December. Each day we move the little red painted heart with snowy glitter on top another day closer to Christmas. My almost 20 year old son loved it when he was little, and now my youngest, who is turning four in another week, loves it too.
My youngest son is full of mystique and wonder this year looking at the gifts under the tree, and keeps saying, "can I please open my present from under the tree?" Which, I softly explain that he can't, "because it's not Christmas Day yet." So, apparently he thought of a way to remedy this problem. In the true innocence of a child way, he is sure that he can move time with the simple movement of the "snowy heart" on the calendar. So, since he's ready for it to be Christmas day, he confidently strolled over to the calendar yesterday, climbed up on his backhoe-stencil-painted-wooden-booster step (a gift from me last year), cleverly moved the snowy heart to the number one slot, and triumphantly announced, "now it is Christmas day!" Our whole house cracked up together as we embraced another glimpse of the innocence of a child.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
The Innocence of a Child
One of the best parts of Christmas is seeing the world again through the eyes of a child, especially for those of us with young children. They are so easily fascinated and captivated, so Christmas, with all of the lights and glitter and gold, is a perfect match for them. Who doesn't love to see Christmas through the eyes of a child?
This morning my youngest son had his preschool Christmas party, it has been sixteen years since my oldest son had his. They sang two songs in their usual adorable preschool way and we all visited over cookies and fruit and juicy juice. During the first song, as one of the late comers, a cute little shy boy with the roundest of cheeks, came through the door, one of the girls in the singing group bellowed out, "that's the boy that I hugged!" and she grinned from ear to ear. The room exploded in laughter, and we nearly missed the whole second verse of Rudolph the red nosed Reindeer. How absolutely wonderful that moment was.
As I looked at this little red headed doll baby, I thought, "I never tire of seeing the innocence of a child come to life." How marvelous to love so openly, to embrace so unashamedly, to exchange so unselfishly. It's the best of us, don't you think. It's all of us, when we're little, before we learn to judge, or criticize, or label as "good" or "bad." I wish all of us could be more like that again, don't you? Then, let's do, okay?
When was the last time you witnessed the innocence of a child come to life? Did it make you smile as great as it did me? I'm betting, yes.
This morning my youngest son had his preschool Christmas party, it has been sixteen years since my oldest son had his. They sang two songs in their usual adorable preschool way and we all visited over cookies and fruit and juicy juice. During the first song, as one of the late comers, a cute little shy boy with the roundest of cheeks, came through the door, one of the girls in the singing group bellowed out, "that's the boy that I hugged!" and she grinned from ear to ear. The room exploded in laughter, and we nearly missed the whole second verse of Rudolph the red nosed Reindeer. How absolutely wonderful that moment was.
As I looked at this little red headed doll baby, I thought, "I never tire of seeing the innocence of a child come to life." How marvelous to love so openly, to embrace so unashamedly, to exchange so unselfishly. It's the best of us, don't you think. It's all of us, when we're little, before we learn to judge, or criticize, or label as "good" or "bad." I wish all of us could be more like that again, don't you? Then, let's do, okay?
When was the last time you witnessed the innocence of a child come to life? Did it make you smile as great as it did me? I'm betting, yes.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
How Do You Know When You Need Help With Your Depression?
I'm writing another post on depression during the holidays, because I continue to be reminded of the fact that holidays trigger some people to struggle more with troublesome thoughts and feelings. If you struggle with depression or another mental illness, you may have at some point wondered what is "normal" and what is not, in terms of dealing with it. How severe does it need to get before you need to get help with it, in other words. I hope to answer that question in this post.
Feeling sad or "blue," as some people call it, is a very normal emotion to feel, if you are experiencing some sort of problem or situation that has impacted you negatively in some way, or in every way you can think of, such as with the loss of someone very close to you. To determine if there's a diagnosable disorder, you need to be evaluated by a professional. They will look at how much the feelings and thoughts are effecting your quality of life, how severe your symptoms are and how long you have been experiencing the unpleasant symptoms that you believe may be depression. If you have been experiencing quite a bit of discomfort, meaning it is causing more than 3 new symptoms in your life, ie: sleep disruption, loss of appetite, sadness of mood or crying spells, and you have been feeling these feelings for more than a four week period, you very well may be looking at true Major Depressive Disorder. MDD is treatable with therapy and in severe cases with medication, and in chronic cases with brief hospitalization.
Now, how do you know if you absolutely HAVE to get help for yourself? The answer is in suicidal ideation, or thoughts of suicide or homicide. You may say, "well sometimes I think I'd like to go to sleep and never wake up," that's not what I'm talking about. That is a passive suicidal thought, more a plan or wish for escape from the reality you are in for the moment. You know you need help, when you begin to have real thoughts of hurting yourself or someone else. When you begin to make plans about how you would go about killing yourself or someone else, that's how you know you need immediate help. You need to call your therapist, if you're working with one, if not, go to the emergency room, or call 911 for an escort to the hospital. You need to be in a setting where you can be observed 24 hours a day, and can be given medication to stabilize your mood by a licensed and experienced psychiatrist.
If you are ever, ever having these thoughts, don't wait, don't worry about what others will say, don't worry about inconveniencing someone else, just get help in as fast a way as you possibly can. Many more people than you might think have had to get help for these same types of problems, it is nothing to be ashamed of. We are human beings and we can be damaged and hurt in such a way that it is difficult to remain in this world, to continue functioning, to continue living our lives; we're all vulnerable to these feelings and this scenario. If you find someone around you, while you are having these feelings, who is judging you, don't worry about it, they haven't been down your road, they haven't traveled in your shoes on your journey. Let them judge, who cares. Do they live with you? Do they share meals at your table with you? Then, who cares what they think. This time is about you, and if you're in the position of seriously thinking about suicide, get help for yourself, I for one don't want to lose you. You may think your life is not worth living right now, but right now is not forever. This time will pass, things won't always look as hopeless as they do right now. You may very well change your mind down the road, but suicide doesn't leave you that option. In fact, suicide leaves you no options. It's nowhere, it's nothing, it's not how it has to be.
Good luck to you, my Friend, I hope you'll take my advice. You're not alone.
Call me at 828.391. 8575, or visit me at oaksstudio.com.
Feeling sad or "blue," as some people call it, is a very normal emotion to feel, if you are experiencing some sort of problem or situation that has impacted you negatively in some way, or in every way you can think of, such as with the loss of someone very close to you. To determine if there's a diagnosable disorder, you need to be evaluated by a professional. They will look at how much the feelings and thoughts are effecting your quality of life, how severe your symptoms are and how long you have been experiencing the unpleasant symptoms that you believe may be depression. If you have been experiencing quite a bit of discomfort, meaning it is causing more than 3 new symptoms in your life, ie: sleep disruption, loss of appetite, sadness of mood or crying spells, and you have been feeling these feelings for more than a four week period, you very well may be looking at true Major Depressive Disorder. MDD is treatable with therapy and in severe cases with medication, and in chronic cases with brief hospitalization.
Now, how do you know if you absolutely HAVE to get help for yourself? The answer is in suicidal ideation, or thoughts of suicide or homicide. You may say, "well sometimes I think I'd like to go to sleep and never wake up," that's not what I'm talking about. That is a passive suicidal thought, more a plan or wish for escape from the reality you are in for the moment. You know you need help, when you begin to have real thoughts of hurting yourself or someone else. When you begin to make plans about how you would go about killing yourself or someone else, that's how you know you need immediate help. You need to call your therapist, if you're working with one, if not, go to the emergency room, or call 911 for an escort to the hospital. You need to be in a setting where you can be observed 24 hours a day, and can be given medication to stabilize your mood by a licensed and experienced psychiatrist.
If you are ever, ever having these thoughts, don't wait, don't worry about what others will say, don't worry about inconveniencing someone else, just get help in as fast a way as you possibly can. Many more people than you might think have had to get help for these same types of problems, it is nothing to be ashamed of. We are human beings and we can be damaged and hurt in such a way that it is difficult to remain in this world, to continue functioning, to continue living our lives; we're all vulnerable to these feelings and this scenario. If you find someone around you, while you are having these feelings, who is judging you, don't worry about it, they haven't been down your road, they haven't traveled in your shoes on your journey. Let them judge, who cares. Do they live with you? Do they share meals at your table with you? Then, who cares what they think. This time is about you, and if you're in the position of seriously thinking about suicide, get help for yourself, I for one don't want to lose you. You may think your life is not worth living right now, but right now is not forever. This time will pass, things won't always look as hopeless as they do right now. You may very well change your mind down the road, but suicide doesn't leave you that option. In fact, suicide leaves you no options. It's nowhere, it's nothing, it's not how it has to be.
Good luck to you, my Friend, I hope you'll take my advice. You're not alone.
Call me at 828.391. 8575, or visit me at oaksstudio.com.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Getting "Unstuck"
What can we do when we feel "stuck"? When our minds continue circling in the same old thought loops that bring us right back to the thoughts and questions that we started with. When we hear ourselves saying or asking the same things over and over. When our thoughts are intrusive and rob us of happiness and joy in our lives.
The answer is, many things. We have many options, we just may not be able to see them in that particular moment. Ask yourself, what is it that I like? What is it that you are interested in? Would you like to learn a new skill, grow personally or professionally, pick up a new hobby? Do you have time to volunteer to help others? Do you need to join a new group of like minded individuals who "speak your unique language?"
The answer lies in being willing to change your focus, to take the magnifying glass off of the object you've been studying and obsessing over, and redirect it in another direction. Hold it over something else, like a rose for instance. Remember that saying, "take time to smell the roses?" There is actually truth in that saying and I'd like to suggest we add a couple more words to that sentence and have it read, "take time to smell, study and savor the roses." I'm talking about living in the moment. Seeing the smaller picture within the big picture. Celebrating the small. Stopping and really examining as close as possible our surroundings. Really taking each and every moment in and making the most out of it.
Changing your perspective does not take away your problems, you're right, but most of the time neither does worrying obsessively about them. I'm not suggesting we all pretend our problems don't exist and all we need to do is sniff roses, if that were the case, nothing would ever get done or taken care of. I am suggesting we take a step back from the problem or issue that may be on the edge of consuming us and instead allowing that energy to go forth into some other avenue, which may prove to save us. It's good and healthy to evaluate what things in life we can change and what things we need to leave alone, or come back to later. Not all things can be "fixed" in five minutes or less, as our current world attempts.
So, the next time you find yourself thinking a thought for the 100th time, make a real and conscious effort to redirect your thoughts into a direction and onto a topic that gives you some excitement or peace of mind, even if it only lasts a little while. You may need to do this over and over on a really bad day, but it works. This is an effective technique for folks who are depressed and anxious over an ongoing issue in their lives.
The answer is, many things. We have many options, we just may not be able to see them in that particular moment. Ask yourself, what is it that I like? What is it that you are interested in? Would you like to learn a new skill, grow personally or professionally, pick up a new hobby? Do you have time to volunteer to help others? Do you need to join a new group of like minded individuals who "speak your unique language?"
The answer lies in being willing to change your focus, to take the magnifying glass off of the object you've been studying and obsessing over, and redirect it in another direction. Hold it over something else, like a rose for instance. Remember that saying, "take time to smell the roses?" There is actually truth in that saying and I'd like to suggest we add a couple more words to that sentence and have it read, "take time to smell, study and savor the roses." I'm talking about living in the moment. Seeing the smaller picture within the big picture. Celebrating the small. Stopping and really examining as close as possible our surroundings. Really taking each and every moment in and making the most out of it.
Changing your perspective does not take away your problems, you're right, but most of the time neither does worrying obsessively about them. I'm not suggesting we all pretend our problems don't exist and all we need to do is sniff roses, if that were the case, nothing would ever get done or taken care of. I am suggesting we take a step back from the problem or issue that may be on the edge of consuming us and instead allowing that energy to go forth into some other avenue, which may prove to save us. It's good and healthy to evaluate what things in life we can change and what things we need to leave alone, or come back to later. Not all things can be "fixed" in five minutes or less, as our current world attempts.
So, the next time you find yourself thinking a thought for the 100th time, make a real and conscious effort to redirect your thoughts into a direction and onto a topic that gives you some excitement or peace of mind, even if it only lasts a little while. You may need to do this over and over on a really bad day, but it works. This is an effective technique for folks who are depressed and anxious over an ongoing issue in their lives.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Grief and Holidays
'Tis the season to be jolly....for many people, yes, but for many others, it is a difficult and painful time of year. For many of us, the endless commercials portraying happy people surrounded by friends and loved ones are constant reminders that we are missing those we have lost in differing ways, and for various reasons. There are many ways in which we experience losses, besides through a physical death. Thankfully there is an emotional coping mechanism that kicks into gear during times of great emotional pain, it is called denial.
I believe we are all protected by a certain amount of healthy denial, so that the pain of our losses; whether that be from the death of loved ones, or the death of relationships, or jobs or dreams---from whatever the source of the grief---is somehow bearable. Broken down and spread out over time, the pain is much more manageable--but still present nonetheless.
For many people the seasons are sometimes something to be endured, rather than celebrated. Sometimes we may want to cover our heads and hide until the holidays pass. I am familiar with those feelings, this year in particular seems to be hitting hard. It was a complete task and ordeal, that seemed too daunting for me, just to put up my Christmas tree yesterday, a tradition I normally enjoy very much. I found myself just doing the least amount to get by, and wishing I was done with it altogether. Then I cried and said, "I don't want to feel this way about your birthday, Jesus!" Instead of feeling guilty though, I am sure that He understands exactly what I was saying, and I know He knows what I think and how I feel. This reality is so comforting to me. Jesus himself even makes a promise to us about our grief in John 16:20, "I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy."
I am convinced that if we felt all of our grief at one time, it would consume us. I believe it is spread out over the days and weeks that make up our years in memories and lost traditions that we miss participating in with the ones we've lost. It is represented in the little ways that we miss sharing experiences with those who are no longer present in our lives, for various reasons.
If you are in this boat with me and many others, my heart goes out to you this holiday season, and I am whispering a prayer for you in your delicate situation in this very moment. Let's be patient with ourselves, and allow however much time we need to work through the thoughts and emotions relating to our loss. Each of us is different, each void is unique and special. A brighter time will come, for now, express your sorrow as you are able to a trusted spouse, friend or relative. Many times processing and verbalizing our thoughts will allow grief to dissipate somewhat. Some of us enjoy quiet avenues of expression, such as writing, creating art, and/or meditation and prayer. All of these options are available to us and can help, even if it's only for a brief time. I wish there was a magic wand to wave it all away, or a pill you could take and make it disappear; unfortunately that is not the case. Know that you are not alone in your discomfort this holiday season, for grief knows no prejudices. This time will pass, and there will be joy after the mourning.
I believe we are all protected by a certain amount of healthy denial, so that the pain of our losses; whether that be from the death of loved ones, or the death of relationships, or jobs or dreams---from whatever the source of the grief---is somehow bearable. Broken down and spread out over time, the pain is much more manageable--but still present nonetheless.
For many people the seasons are sometimes something to be endured, rather than celebrated. Sometimes we may want to cover our heads and hide until the holidays pass. I am familiar with those feelings, this year in particular seems to be hitting hard. It was a complete task and ordeal, that seemed too daunting for me, just to put up my Christmas tree yesterday, a tradition I normally enjoy very much. I found myself just doing the least amount to get by, and wishing I was done with it altogether. Then I cried and said, "I don't want to feel this way about your birthday, Jesus!" Instead of feeling guilty though, I am sure that He understands exactly what I was saying, and I know He knows what I think and how I feel. This reality is so comforting to me. Jesus himself even makes a promise to us about our grief in John 16:20, "I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy."
I am convinced that if we felt all of our grief at one time, it would consume us. I believe it is spread out over the days and weeks that make up our years in memories and lost traditions that we miss participating in with the ones we've lost. It is represented in the little ways that we miss sharing experiences with those who are no longer present in our lives, for various reasons.
If you are in this boat with me and many others, my heart goes out to you this holiday season, and I am whispering a prayer for you in your delicate situation in this very moment. Let's be patient with ourselves, and allow however much time we need to work through the thoughts and emotions relating to our loss. Each of us is different, each void is unique and special. A brighter time will come, for now, express your sorrow as you are able to a trusted spouse, friend or relative. Many times processing and verbalizing our thoughts will allow grief to dissipate somewhat. Some of us enjoy quiet avenues of expression, such as writing, creating art, and/or meditation and prayer. All of these options are available to us and can help, even if it's only for a brief time. I wish there was a magic wand to wave it all away, or a pill you could take and make it disappear; unfortunately that is not the case. Know that you are not alone in your discomfort this holiday season, for grief knows no prejudices. This time will pass, and there will be joy after the mourning.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Make a U-Turn
My young son attends preschool a couple of days a week for 1 hour and 45 minutes per blissful, Mommy-time session. I had been sitting in the car waiting for him, and using that time to read, pray, meditate, and write--valuable time well spent. This morning I decided to go exploring, as his preschool site is on the opposite end of the county we live in, so it is not an area I spend very much time in usually. I drove around and around down this country road and that road looking at new, and sometimes old places, for a change of pace. If I got uncomfortable about the thought of getting lost, I made a U-Turn and went the other way. If I felt curious about where a particular road went, I turned onto that road and went with it, being sure to be aware of landmarks and direction changes. It was fun and liberating. I discovered a walking track a couple of miles from there, which made my journey that much sweeter.
Isn't it wonderful that we have the choice in our lives to dictate which way we go and which path we take? Even when it seems like we have no choice, we still do have a choice. If we don't like how things are going in our lives, we have the right to change what is not working. We can travel a different road in terms of our relationships, our careers, our goals and dreams. If we don't like how things are, we have the power to make a change, to do something different---anytime we want to, and not until we want to.
Unfortunately, in life there are problems that arise that have no real solution, I know, I live in one every day. Sometimes if we can't effect change on the actual problem or situation, we have to make the change inside our own hearts and minds. Sometimes the change is internal, not external---doesn't matter, it's still a change. Making a change in the way we view an issue is very healthy and can move us from being stuck in emotional pain and guilt, which drain us of our resources and lessen opportunities.
So, if you sense you're on the wrong road or heading in the wrong direction, ask yourself what you would like to change and what would you like to do differently. The process may be a bit scary and anxiety producing in the beginning, but most of the time growth does feel that way. And you may agree that most of the time, in the end, it's worth it.
Isn't it wonderful that we have the choice in our lives to dictate which way we go and which path we take? Even when it seems like we have no choice, we still do have a choice. If we don't like how things are going in our lives, we have the right to change what is not working. We can travel a different road in terms of our relationships, our careers, our goals and dreams. If we don't like how things are, we have the power to make a change, to do something different---anytime we want to, and not until we want to.
Unfortunately, in life there are problems that arise that have no real solution, I know, I live in one every day. Sometimes if we can't effect change on the actual problem or situation, we have to make the change inside our own hearts and minds. Sometimes the change is internal, not external---doesn't matter, it's still a change. Making a change in the way we view an issue is very healthy and can move us from being stuck in emotional pain and guilt, which drain us of our resources and lessen opportunities.
So, if you sense you're on the wrong road or heading in the wrong direction, ask yourself what you would like to change and what would you like to do differently. The process may be a bit scary and anxiety producing in the beginning, but most of the time growth does feel that way. And you may agree that most of the time, in the end, it's worth it.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Just What the Doctor Ordered
We're baaackkk. We enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving vacation by the sea and could not have asked for better weather! We even ended up extending our stay by another day---definitely what the doctor ordered.
There were countless walks along the shore, hundreds of seashells collected, colorful and brilliant sunsets, and one of our family's favorite activities, chewy, gooey smores made by our beach bonfire. We all had a blast and hated to see it come to an end.
One day on one of my seashell collecting walks, I noticed something I had never really thought of before. I noticed that when the shells are lying on the damp, hardened sand where the water washes up over them repeatedly, they shine and shimmer in an unbelievably stunning way. But, when I pick them up, carry them, put them in my pocket or my shell bucket, and take them out of that environment, they no longer shine and sparkle as they did before. Not that they are no longer beautiful, they truly are, it's just that they lose a key component when the element of water is taken from their access.
I couldn't help but think of how we, as people, shine and shimmer so beautifully, when we have access to all of the support and love and nurturing that we need.
When we are surrounded by people that love us and care for us, we can grow and change and evolve into healthy, productive, fulfilled individuals with the energy and motivation to reach our fullest potential. We develop colorful, multifaceted personalities. We have a life long curiosity and inquisitiveness that assists us in setting and reaching goals for our futures. We believe that we have the right to be who we are, the right to exist and to count and to matter in this world. Life is a big adventure to be experienced and lived, not something to begrudgingly be endured.
In contrast, when we have people in our lives that abuse us, emotionally, mentally, verbally, physically or spiritually, we are missing some very crucial and imperative components to becoming the people we want to be or need to be. Our chances of not being happy and healthy people are drastically increased. Many times the nature of our abuse keeps us from being us at all, because we are so caught up in being and doing what someone else wants us or needs us to be or do. Our focus becomes living our lives for our abusers, not for ourselves, as it must be.
If this pattern continues for a long time, we may lose sight of ourselves all together. We will not develop into the people we are meant to be; and even worse, we will not know who we are all together. Going back to the shell analogy, not only will the water be taken away, but so will the sunshine, the sand and the other key components that make the shells into the precious little treasures that they are. The moral of the story is to surround yourself with people who will support you as the sand did the shells; allow people to rub against you emotionally and spiritually to soften and round out your rough edges; purposefully pick people who shine a light on your highlights and bring out your most interesting colors; and finally, allow others' goodness and humanity to wash over you in a soul quenching way, so that you can shine and shimmer and sparkle in all the glory you and I are meant to have. And if by chance some shell abuser comes along--------RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!
There were countless walks along the shore, hundreds of seashells collected, colorful and brilliant sunsets, and one of our family's favorite activities, chewy, gooey smores made by our beach bonfire. We all had a blast and hated to see it come to an end.
One day on one of my seashell collecting walks, I noticed something I had never really thought of before. I noticed that when the shells are lying on the damp, hardened sand where the water washes up over them repeatedly, they shine and shimmer in an unbelievably stunning way. But, when I pick them up, carry them, put them in my pocket or my shell bucket, and take them out of that environment, they no longer shine and sparkle as they did before. Not that they are no longer beautiful, they truly are, it's just that they lose a key component when the element of water is taken from their access.
I couldn't help but think of how we, as people, shine and shimmer so beautifully, when we have access to all of the support and love and nurturing that we need.
When we are surrounded by people that love us and care for us, we can grow and change and evolve into healthy, productive, fulfilled individuals with the energy and motivation to reach our fullest potential. We develop colorful, multifaceted personalities. We have a life long curiosity and inquisitiveness that assists us in setting and reaching goals for our futures. We believe that we have the right to be who we are, the right to exist and to count and to matter in this world. Life is a big adventure to be experienced and lived, not something to begrudgingly be endured.
In contrast, when we have people in our lives that abuse us, emotionally, mentally, verbally, physically or spiritually, we are missing some very crucial and imperative components to becoming the people we want to be or need to be. Our chances of not being happy and healthy people are drastically increased. Many times the nature of our abuse keeps us from being us at all, because we are so caught up in being and doing what someone else wants us or needs us to be or do. Our focus becomes living our lives for our abusers, not for ourselves, as it must be.
If this pattern continues for a long time, we may lose sight of ourselves all together. We will not develop into the people we are meant to be; and even worse, we will not know who we are all together. Going back to the shell analogy, not only will the water be taken away, but so will the sunshine, the sand and the other key components that make the shells into the precious little treasures that they are. The moral of the story is to surround yourself with people who will support you as the sand did the shells; allow people to rub against you emotionally and spiritually to soften and round out your rough edges; purposefully pick people who shine a light on your highlights and bring out your most interesting colors; and finally, allow others' goodness and humanity to wash over you in a soul quenching way, so that you can shine and shimmer and sparkle in all the glory you and I are meant to have. And if by chance some shell abuser comes along--------RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, November 18, 2011
Going Away
We're going away for the week to the beach-----yeahhhh!!! I love, love, love the beach! We hope to relocate there one day down the road, it has always held an unbelievable special place in my heart. When I was younger, it was an escape for me and my family. When we went to the beach, it was like being in a different system. We were all more relaxed, all the rigid rules and roles fell away, and there was an amazing freedom in running down the beach and feeling the sand between my toes. I'd swim and splash and boggy board and sun bathe all day long, and never ever got tired of it----and still don't. From the time I see the first glimpse of the ocean from the intracoastal waterway bridge and smell my first whiff of the salty air, until we head off the island to come back home, I'm filled with an unmistakable joy and a grandiose feeling of being in exactly the right place at precisely the right time. That's living, in the moment, feeling fully alive and fully invested and fully appreciative of the life that is yours for the taking. There's something unbelievably healing about standing by the ocean and taking in the enormity of it and I always think, "I can't believe that this never stops, these waves roll in one after the other, every second of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade.....whether I'm standing here watching it or not!" And then, I'm engulfed again in the realization of how great my God is, and how if He can create all of this and keep it all in constant balance all the time; how small is my life to manage in comparison? How easy it is for Him to take care of me. How miniscule my concerns must be in regard to His abilities and power! Then I'm filled again with an overwhelming love and adoration and respect for the gentleness with which He handles my heart; with a gratitude of all that He has blessed me with; and an unwavering fervor to do whatever it is that I have been created to do, whether I get to stay in my comfort zone or not. It's not an obligatory feeling, it's one of ultimate respect and a desire to show Him how much I appreciate what I have, and who I am in Him.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
I'm hearing a strange new buzz here and there from the media, through social media, in magazines, on the radio, all sorts of places that seems to point to the fact that people seem to be gaining insight into what it means to be a human being and how we actually fit into this world. This gives me hope for the future, for my children and my children's children, and your children and grandchildren, and so on.
It seems we are finally trying to take an honest look at ourselves, our thoughts, our behaviors and choices, and many of us are truly trying to find answers to the questions that plague all people, but that generations before us, in some ways, seemed afraid to ask. We seem more ready than our predecessors to look at our lives and the mistakes we've made in them and try to actually learn from them and make changes in our lives for the better. We seem to be realizing that our failures or mistakes or shortcomings-whatever you want to call anything less than perfect-are not something to be shunned and be afraid of or be ashamed of, rather they are proof positive that sometimes we have to hurt to learn and grow.
That's liberating to me. I've made my fair share of mistakes, and I, for one, am glad that we've reached a point in our emotional evolution that I no longer feel I "should" or need to sit in the corner and beat myself to death about them anymore. I can forgive myself, learn what I need to from the mistakes, grieve my losses, and move forward in my life, on my way to becoming a happy and healthy person, perhaps for the very first time.
It seems we are finally trying to take an honest look at ourselves, our thoughts, our behaviors and choices, and many of us are truly trying to find answers to the questions that plague all people, but that generations before us, in some ways, seemed afraid to ask. We seem more ready than our predecessors to look at our lives and the mistakes we've made in them and try to actually learn from them and make changes in our lives for the better. We seem to be realizing that our failures or mistakes or shortcomings-whatever you want to call anything less than perfect-are not something to be shunned and be afraid of or be ashamed of, rather they are proof positive that sometimes we have to hurt to learn and grow.
That's liberating to me. I've made my fair share of mistakes, and I, for one, am glad that we've reached a point in our emotional evolution that I no longer feel I "should" or need to sit in the corner and beat myself to death about them anymore. I can forgive myself, learn what I need to from the mistakes, grieve my losses, and move forward in my life, on my way to becoming a happy and healthy person, perhaps for the very first time.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Heavenly Bonds
We struggle with the fact that we are here on this earth and our babies aren't. Some days that struggle is harder and bigger than it is on other days, sometimes it feels like an absolutely unbearable task. Some days we may imagine them waiting in heaven with open arms for us to come home to them; other days we may imagine they hate us, and never want to see us, or much worse. If we imagine the latter, we aren't giving enough credit to our Creator. He created bonds to last into eternity, no matter the situation or circumstances surrounding the severing of those bonds. Though we may think or feel that we severed the bond with our babies, when we decided to have them physically removed from us; we didn't and can never sever the spiritual and emotional bonds God placed inside each of us with the inception of our children. Our Father would not allow the destruction of those bonds, doing so would go against the very nature of His love; even if we may sometimes think that's what we would deserve, our children do not deserve that.
Psalm 139:13 tells of the creation of this bond, one that God obviously respects way too much to allow it to be destroyed, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." That bond is still very much alive in Him and in heaven with our children, and within all of us as mothers; and through it, we are all bonded to each other, as well. This Psalm passage goes on to tell about how each of our days are written in His book, before one of them ever comes to be; so He knew what would happen in our lives, the choices we would make, and it does not take away the other bonds He has put in place for us. We can look forward to enjoying all of the luxuries that those bonds afford us, when we reach heaven and finally meet our little, loved ones for the very first time.
Psalm 139:13 tells of the creation of this bond, one that God obviously respects way too much to allow it to be destroyed, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." That bond is still very much alive in Him and in heaven with our children, and within all of us as mothers; and through it, we are all bonded to each other, as well. This Psalm passage goes on to tell about how each of our days are written in His book, before one of them ever comes to be; so He knew what would happen in our lives, the choices we would make, and it does not take away the other bonds He has put in place for us. We can look forward to enjoying all of the luxuries that those bonds afford us, when we reach heaven and finally meet our little, loved ones for the very first time.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
How Did We Get Here?
How did we get to be that woman in the mirror looking back at us? Where did she come from? Is she me; or is the me that everyone else sees the real me; or is she the sum of her roles, titles and/or responsibilities? Is it "yes," to all of the above? Is it one of those multiple choice trick questions, where there really is no true right or wrong answer, just the more right or wrong answer? More importantly than, "how did we get to be that woman in the mirror looking back at us," is the question, "how did we get to be that woman, who has had an abortion, in the mirror looking back at us?" Isn't it still in some ways surreal? That didn't really happen. I didn't really make that choice, did I ? The denial is unbelievably strong! The denial helped us become that woman, the denial nurtured us in being that woman, and it still wants to play a role, even after we are healed/healing from our irrevocable choice. For many of us, myself included, it's a good thing it is still there.
I think Fredrica Mathews Green said it best, "A woman doesn't want an abortion like she wants an ice cream cone or a Porshe, but like an animal caught in a trap who gnaws off it's own leg." I absolutely could not agree more. I think this quote comes close to describing the all consuming panic and desperation that a woman facing, and ultimately choosing, an abortion feels.
We are the sum of our experiences. We became the woman in the mirror slowly, methodically, and painfully. Like so much of life, it happened before we knew what was happening. I'm not making excuses or trying to shirk my responsibilities, I'm stating facts. I'm not saying we didn't know what we were doing, unfortunately we knew exactly what we were doing. Most of us remember all of the details, including sights, sounds, smells, and the painful feelings, and many of us suffer as we relive them over and over and over in our minds and bodies. What I am saying is that those of us who have suffered from our choice, which was a choice I wish I'd never had, would now do the complete and total opposite now that we can see clearly the devastation it causes, not only for our babies, but for ourselves as well.
I think Fredrica Mathews Green said it best, "A woman doesn't want an abortion like she wants an ice cream cone or a Porshe, but like an animal caught in a trap who gnaws off it's own leg." I absolutely could not agree more. I think this quote comes close to describing the all consuming panic and desperation that a woman facing, and ultimately choosing, an abortion feels.
We are the sum of our experiences. We became the woman in the mirror slowly, methodically, and painfully. Like so much of life, it happened before we knew what was happening. I'm not making excuses or trying to shirk my responsibilities, I'm stating facts. I'm not saying we didn't know what we were doing, unfortunately we knew exactly what we were doing. Most of us remember all of the details, including sights, sounds, smells, and the painful feelings, and many of us suffer as we relive them over and over and over in our minds and bodies. What I am saying is that those of us who have suffered from our choice, which was a choice I wish I'd never had, would now do the complete and total opposite now that we can see clearly the devastation it causes, not only for our babies, but for ourselves as well.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Hi, Everyone!!
Welcome to my first ever blog! I just opened an online counseling practice called Oaks Studio. I offer individual and couples' counseling for men and women who are hurting following an abortion choice. Oaks Studio is not affiliated with any pro-life organization or any particular religion or denomination, it is here to address the needs of those who have terminated a pregnancy recently or anytime in the past, and now have adverse symptoms that relate to that choice. We are not here to argue the political implications, or speak to the religious opinions of any on abortion. Oaks Studio is about help and healing; it's about non-judgmental and empathic help for a large group of hurting individuals who may not be ready to reach out for help in a public way, but may be ready to reach out in a very private and anonymous way, these are the people that Oaks Studio is designed to reach. If you have stumbled across this site or blog and feel the need to publicize your opposing opinions about pro-choice versus pro-life, please do so in a different location. This blog is created, along with my website, to be a safe place for those hurting from an abortion choice, not to try to convince anyone to change their convictions about terminating pregnancies. Please, respect the purpose and vision of Oaks Studio and keep all of your comments on a respectful and positive level.
Oaks Studio's doors are wide open to those who are hurting, or have a loved one who is hurting, from an abortion choice. I look forward to meeting and talking with you--Come On In and See Me.
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