This was the best Mother's Day I can remember in a long time, in terms of not grieving so badly for my lost children. If you asked me, "why," I'd probably say it has to do with healing. For the past several years, I had been going through the ritual of going to get my children each a balloon and writing a message to them and sending it away as if to heaven for them to catch and keep. It was a beautiful ritual, a true tradition, and it helped me immensely. This year I planned to do the same, and thought about it a couple of times. But then, when Mother's Day came, I just didn't feel it was necessary this year. A simple whispered prayer, shared between me, them and my heavenly Father was comforting enough. I didn't even cry. I was surrounded by my husband who loves me dearly, and two beautiful boys who adore me and a precious step-daughter who cherishes me, and I felt more whole this year than I can ever remember in my post abortion healing.
I believe this means that I have truly released my children to Jesus to watch, care for and keep for me, until we are joyfully reunited one day. I'm no longer clutching on to them, as if I can change things and save them now, 19+ and 16 years later. It was, I believe, when I attended my retreat in 2009 that for the first time, I truly released them to the Lord. Until then, I had been trying to release them and hold on to them at the same time. After all, I didn't want to end their lives in the first place. It was never easy, or simple, not then, and not now, and rightfully, never will be. That said, I do not believe God wants for me or any other post-abortive, sorrowful woman to punish ourselves and live in misery for the rest of our lives. What is done is done. We can go on with living our lives. We can enjoy the blessings we do have, and do not have to mourn forever. Jesus said in John 16:20, "I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy." That's as plain as you can put it, isn't it? I did weep, I did mourn, I did grieve, and now it is turning to joy, as I surrender to the fact that the clock never goes backward, only forward. I'm reminded in writing this of Anna Nalick's song, "Just Breathe," it's like she says, there's no rewind button, girl...
Another reason I think this Mother's Day was the best one for a long time, is because of my coming to terms with the relationship I have with my own mother now. We are estranged, and have been for the past five years. I don't ever remember a time that I didn't wish my relationship with my mother was different, and I still do; but things have changed now. This year I was able to send her a card, and tell her that I pray for her and that I wish things were different and that I love her. And then something amazing happened, she responded with kind words in return. I felt blessed and at peace for the first time in a very long time, probably the most at peace with our relationship moving forward in life, than I can ever remember feeling. I am accepting, have accepted, which remains to be seen; that we cannot have a close relationship--no matter how much either of us may want to. My mother has never and will never be able to love me in the way that I need her to, that is not an insult, it is not a complaint, it is a fact, a real, honest to goodness fact that I have had to accept somehow, no matter how many nights I went to bed crying because my heart physically hurt for the mother I have always needed her to be. Some may not think exchanging cards on holidays is very much of a relationship, but if it means I don't have to go on being hurt over and over and over emotionally, it's going to have to be enough. I used to think, no matter what issue people had between them, there was no reason that they couldn't sit down and come to some type of compromise or amicable agreement of some kind, I was dead wrong. Some times some tragedies and traumas are too harsh, too radical, too damaging, and there is no going back, there is only left the shell of what you wish things had been, and you have to grieve that too. I had to grieve the loss of my mother and the loss of the mother I wanted and needed her to be as well. That's no easy feat. I don't know how people who have no relationship with my Lord Jesus Christ can survive such circumstances, I cannot fathom it. My faith is the singular gift that has carried me through a time that I couldn't not stand up in. I pray that you can pray, and that you realize, like I have, it's not about "church" or being a "christian" or about "religion," it is about a real, living, breathing relationship with Jesus, with the real, true Healer and Counselor. It's about saying, "I can't get out of bed, please help me," and then turning around years later to see that you have not only survived, you've thrived in the end of a time that you thought would bring about your actual death on this earth.
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