I remember one retreat participant one time was describing her history and experiences with having two abortions. She described that both times her boyfriend then, now ex-husband, had wanted her to have an abortion, but she didn't want to. The first time she said, she went along with him and had the abortion, not realizing the impact it would have on her life at the time. She said she blocked out and denied the fact that it was a big deal to her until years later (sounds familiar). The second time she said she didn't want to have the abortion and her doctor talked her into just coming into the office and talking about it, but went ahead with the abortion anyway, against her wishes. As she described this, I thought about how I felt I had to choose abortion against my own will also, and how much a role coercion plays in so very many abortions.
The first time I found myself in a crisis pregnancy, I remember feeling extremely forced to choose abortion because of the circumstances in which I was living: a failing marriage, complete lack of support being 300 miles away from home, an alcoholic husband who would not work and sabotaged my efforts to keep us afloat financially, poverty though- I was working two jobs, and having a baby already that I was struggling in every way to take care of each and every day. I was the only adult in my marriage and we had a baby who needed to be feed and diapered and clothed. A baby I already had to write bad checks to pay for his formula, while my husband was stealing money out of my purse that was supposed to pay for my lunch at work the next day. And when faced with a pregnancy, he said, "whatever you want to do, it really doesn't matter to me." We had a baby and I had witnessed no change in my husband's behavior, so what would warrant me thinking another baby would make him change? He did not care about helping me take care of the child we already had, why would I think he would change if we had another one? I was terrified, I was the one living in reality and trying to keep everything together, while he spent money we didn't have and acted like we were independently wealthy and never had to work for anything. The overwhelming, drowning feeling I felt each day as I woke up, got dressed, took my baby to daycare and went to work coerced me into my first abortion. We were on the verge of losing everything I was working so hard to accumulate for us. We couldn't make our house payments, our car was being repossessed, we were three months behind on our bills and I couldn't even make ends meet working two jobs on my own. I had the abortion, and shortly after, we separated. I felt as if I had to save my first child and myself. I felt as if it was my infant son and me against the entire world. I felt desperate and so alone, while my husband was cold and distant and uncaring toward both of us. I felt I had no choice but to have an abortion I never ever wanted to have.
The second time was four years later under somewhat different circumstances, though there still were quite a few of the same fears clouding my thinking and perspective. I had divorced my first husband and moved my home and my baby back to my home town. I was making payments on my house and on my car and though there was very little extra, I was making it completely on my own. I started dating a wonderful man, whom I loved very, very much and about a year into our relationship, I became pregnant again. This time a different type of coercion took place. This time I was so very worried about what my mother and family and co-workers would think of my being pregnant outside of marriage, in addition to making it on my own with two small children. So, some of the fears were the same (financially and emotionally), with the addition of being freaked out and worried about disappointing and angering my mother. It is difficult to explain the unbelievable power and emotional hold my mother had on me at that time. I tried so very hard to be perfect to earn the love and approval I had always wanted/needed from her. I was so afraid of her wrath and what she would think of me, it was consuming. I felt I had to cover up and end the pregnancy to keep her from finding out. I also didn't want to disappoint my father, though I didn't have the same fear of abandonment from him as I did her. I couldn't stand the thought of my fellow teachers and my sixth grade students that I taught abstinence to finding out I was pregnant outside marriage. At that time, it was not as commonplace as it is now. It was a major, huge problem to be avoided at all cost in my family. I had grown up hearing awful things about girls who got pregnant and were not married in the strict, religious family I belonged to. Once again, I asked my boyfriend then, husband now, what he thought I should do. Once again, I was told to do whatever I thought was best. He didn't say, "I don't want you to have this," and he never mentioned marriage.
Another major influence on my decision was the circumstances evolving in our relationship at the time. Shortly after I found out I was expecting another baby, his ex-wife was moving his two children one hour away from him, and he told me he was considering relocating to the same town as them. Once again I felt abandoned and alone. Once again, I thought, "I'm on my own, it's me and my child against the world. I brought up having an abortion, after I realized he was likely going to move and he didn't ask me to marry him. We didn't talk about marriage or keeping the baby ever during this time. I had the mindset that it had to be done and I would not allow myself to think about anything else. I did not think things through, we did not talk things through. I made the decision that I would do this, and I would never tell anyone, ever, it was to be a secret I would take to my grave, with no one else ever knowing about it. At times, the fact that no one knew about it was the only source of comfort I had. I pulled away from God and closed my heart and mind to His leading. I did not seek His council, and didn't feel His presence in this storm. Two regrets and losses among many pertaining to my abortions.
I have discussed this issue with many women, and I know coercion is a major factor in many abortions. I pray that we will do a better job of empowering our younger women to recognize, comprehend, listen to and use their voices in this world to make mindful decisions and declarations about what they want and about what happens to their bodies! I now know the trauma I experienced in my childhood affected the growth and development of parts of my brain, and sequentially the decisions I made. I was making decisions in my early adulthood the way that teenagers make decisions, based on fear of my parents getting mad at me, for example. I was not an adult body with an adult mind yet, that didn't happen until later; and it was painful to get to that point, in fact I'm still working on it today. I am affected today by the abuse that I suffered and denied for so long. I am having to learn to live in a self created "safe place" in order to re-parent and nurture myself.
