How I Forgave Myself

     As I was saying in my last post, forgiving myself was absolutely the hardest part in recovering from my two abortions.  Even with having been a Christian since I was a small child, and having complete faith in God's forgiveness, still for years I struggled with forgiving myself for taking the lives of two of my children.  I believed God had forgiven me, the moment I spoke, "oh, Lord, my God, please forgive me for what I have done!"  I FELT His forgiveness inside my heart and mind, but I was still there judging and condemning myself, and I felt that I did not deserve the forgiveness God had given me.  I felt that I should suffer for the rest of my life for what I had done.  I figured God could forgive me, because, well, He is God; but I felt I could NEVER forgive myself.

     I remember well asking for forgiveness over and over, even though I felt the assurance that God had forgiven me, and I knew He was helping me and healing me a little every time I spoke with Him in prayer; until finally I felt in my heart that I was annoying God.  I can FEEL God speak to me at times, it is not a voice, it is more of a feeling and a phrase or thought simultaneously inside my heart and head; that's how I know it is Him.  And one day I felt that He was saying, "Kim, I've already forgiven you for that...it's YOU who has to forgive YOU now, not me."  You know, it was that short and to the point.  I love the way God speaks to us, it's just the truth, straight to the point with no fluff needed.  I remember thinking out loud, "I know I do, but I can't."  So, in that moment I was able to acknowledge that I needed to forgive myself and I knew that, but I didn't feel that I could because I felt I needed to punish myself for what I had done.  I felt that what I had done was so dirty, and so bad and so condemnable that I could never forgive myself for it, so I was stuck.  I was stuck between feeling that I needed to forgive myself, but not knowing how to do it, and not being willing to do it.

     One day, as I was thinking about this dilemma and praying about it, it occurred to me that I was holding myself to a standard higher than God's standard, and I thought, "who do I think I am?"  "do I really think that I have a higher standard than God has?"  "If He will forgive me, what makes me think I shouldn't do the same for myself?"  and "if I feel like I don't know how, I need to ask Him how, and I believe He will show me how."  And this series of thoughts started a prayer inside me that went like this:

     "Dear Lord, I don't know how to forgive myself for what I have done.  I know You have forgiven me, and that You desire joy and peace for me, not condemnation.  Help me, Lord, to find the way to forgiving myself for my abortions.  Show me how I can go about doing this, because I've come to believe that NOT forgiving myself is sinning against You, and that is the LAST thing that I ever want to do again.  Please, Lord, honor my prayer and give me the answers that my heart longs to hear."  And guess what?  He answered my prayer.  He told me to begin by making the decision to forgive myself, to say aloud, "Right now, in the name of the Lord, Jesus Christ, I decide to forgive myself for my two abortions, and will no longer hate myself for what I have done."  

     Now, this was the beginning, I didn't feel instantly better.  I wish I could say that I heard trumpets and felt a flash go through me and suddenly I was free from guilt and self hate, and full of forgiveness for myself and all of my sins.  It did not happen like that.  At first, I felt like I was telling a lie, because in my heart I knew it wasn't true.  In my heart, I knew that I didn't forgive myself, even though, I had just made the decision to do it; and even though I may want to in order to not sin against God.  He knew instantly my thoughts and feelings, and then whispered, "keep saying this day after day, and it will come to pass.  One day your heart will feel what your head knows is best.  Making the decision is the first step, trust in Me and I will help you do this."  And that is exactly what I did.  

     Every single time I had a self loathing thought I reminded myself that I had made the decision to forgive myself and that God was helping me to accept that forgiveness and to believe it, and that I trusted God to do what He said He would do.  Fear was the number one weapon that the enemy used to convince me that abortion was the only option, and self condemnation was the most powerful one evil used to keep me bound in shame and guilt.  It was deeply rooted, deeply from my childhood, and carried into my adulthood, guilt, guilt, guilt...it had been used to parent me and control me all of my life, and after I grew up, I used it on myself.  I was so used to feeling guilty, whether I had anything to feel guilty about or not, did not seem to matter.  I realized I was a guilt magnet, and that it was time to strip that guilt away.  I knew it was time to let my heart fill up with the love and forgiveness for myself that God had so easily lavished on me from the moment I first whispered my prayer of repentance.  

     We must follow His leading, and even when we don't know how, if we seek Him with all our hearts, we WILL find Him.  He promises that in Jeremiah 29:13, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and bring you back from captivity..."  Friend, He is faithful, and He is just.  If He forgives you,  and I know He does, then THROUGH Him you can forgive you.  I promise!!  Every time you feel guilt after you have forgiven yourself, remind yourself in as stern a voice as you can muster, "I have forgiven myself for that, because God has forgiven me," and tell Him "Thank you," and then let it go.  Recognize this to be the enemy trying his best to get you back in that cage called guilt, but you don't have to go, you know better now, you're stronger now, you can, through God, do ALL things!!!