Good information.

     There is some wonderful information that I just came across and want to share with you here.  I believe that knowledge is power, and this video contains some powerful knowledge!  This information is presented by Dr. Martha Shuping, a psychiatrist practicing in Winston Salem, NC.  To view the video, click HERE.

     Those of us who have regretfully experienced abortion can speak to the fact that much emotional pain follows this tragic "choice."  Many of us, who felt coerced into the fatal decision can testify to the fact that it creates a whole different level, or multiple layers of pain, to muddle through before you can ever even breathe the word H-E-A-L-I-N-G.  I do not need the APA to verify the pain I know I have experienced in my life due to abortion.  I have lived the nightmare of abortion's wake, and I for one, know it is undeniably real!

God Isn't Far Away

     My calendar now rests on September.  I love the poems that are in this little calendar, and I draw much inspiration from the words I find there.

God Isn't Far Away

He is the light of this day.

He is the sky above you,

the earth beneath you,

and the life of every living thing.

He is in every smile,

in every thought that gives you hope,

in every tear that waters your soul,

and in every moment you can't 

face alone.

He's the love on your loved one's face.

He's in the friends along the way--

in strangers you have yet to meet

and blessings you have yet to receive.

He's in every good thing

that touches you.

He is in every step you make

and every breath you take.

He is never far away.

                     

                                  --Nancye Sims

     My prayer today is that You will draw nearer to me still, Lord.  You know my needs and those of my family.  We are trusting that You will provide all that is needed in your perfect time.  We are resting in faith and hope for Your plans to be revealed.  We love you, Father and we trust that the plans you have for us are good.

 

Insight #100

   

  
      In looking at the blinking line to begin the title of this post, my mind was blank.  I knew I wanted to share in this post the insight that I gained last week about emotions being triggered by things that people say and why, but this is one of I don't know how many insights I have come to share here in this blog.  So, I titled it "Insight #100" and will continue up in number from here, so that I can sort these types of posts out from now on.  If you've read much of this blog you already know that I value insight in my spiritual life very highly, because I believe it is the window into our souls that God gives us to help us in understanding our purposes here in this world to bring Him glory.  I truly believe insight is among our present day manna from heaven!

     I realized this past week how important it is for us to dig deeper than our surface reactions to things that people say and do that hurt us.  I was in a meeting last week in which a group member erroneously accused me, in front of the present members, of doing something that had cost the group financial/social gain.  My feelings were hurt immediately and I felt angry, so angry in fact that I could feel the blood filling up my face and head.  This person had slighted me several times prior to this incident in private/personal ways, and now they were doing it publicly as well.  I instantly thought of all of the hours of my time that I had given to the project they had referenced and how belittled those efforts had been from this person's comments, but it went deeper still.  I felt belittled as a person as well.  I felt devalued.  I felt criticized, and as if my efforts would never be "good enough."  I could go on and on about the feelings that surfaced, but I'm sure you understand my point. 

     As the week went on and I thought of this incident and the effect it had on my mood and my thoughts, I realized it wasn't what this person had said to me that was really bothering me, after all it was only one statement, it carried little value, as other group members came to my defense and I defended myself and proved the accusation was false.  So, why was my response so strong and powerful that it took me days to recuperate from this?  The reason is the insight itself.  The reason this person's comment bothered me so much wasn't the comment itself, but all of the years of emotions that it triggered inside my heart, mind and spirit that gave it it's power.

     Without knowing it, this person of similar age and description to my mother, had triggered old pains and self beliefs that had been planted and nurtured by my mother throughout my childhood and early adult life.  She had opened the box that I try so hard to keep locked tight and in its neat place on the shelf.  When I thought so much work had been done on this issue, surely I was finished with it, but this incident, along with one similar just months before, helped me to realize I still have a long way to go in healing from the damage of my abuse history.

     So, plainly said, the insight is that it's not what someone says that hurts us so much, it's all the pain and anger and "junk" they trigger with their hurtful statement that really matters to us and stirs us so deeply.  In the world of psychology, this is called "unfinished business," and evidently I have some of it left to finish.  Maybe the next time you are hurt by something someone says you can ask yourself, "why is this hurting me so much," "does this remind me of someone else from my past or present life," "do these feelings I'm having relate in some way to my past hurts or pains, and if so, why?"  These are all valuable questions to ask yourself, if you want to get to the root of who you are and how you exist in the world.  Ask God to help you to understand at times like this that you can feel, as I do, bewildered as to why someone would treat another human this way, what could possibly be their purpose in doing so?  Perhaps, like in this case, He allows it to show us a deeper understanding of who we are.  Perhaps He allows it to draw us into a closer relationship with Him.  Wouldn't both of these possibilities be worth it?  For me, the answer is a resounding, "Yes!"

Finding My Voice

     I knew a long time ago that having my voice taken away from me at a very young age had affected my ability to understand, realize or say what I wanted to happen in the wake of my crisis pregnancies. I wasn't used to forming my own opinions, or thinking for myself, or being asked what I wanted. At that point in my life, I only thought of what my mother would say, or more accurately how angry she would be when/if she found out.  I did not realize it was not my mother, but myself, that I would have to face everyday for the rest of my life following the abortions.  I did not realize that I would grow into the ability to be a separate, fully functioning person without my mother's influence at any point in my life.  I was an extension of my mother, not a separate entity with my own worth and identity.  I was into my 40's before I was able to begin to find myself and figure out who I am and what had really happened to me.

     I have a strong, soul rooted desire to help women who are hurting from abortion, or from any other type of traumatic experience; and I know that desire stems from my history of pain and loss, and that it was all necessary for me to be who I am now.  It's all relevant, it's all valid, and equally important in the shaping of who I am.  How much more understanding I have for having suffered the abuse of my childhood, from the abuse in my first marriage, from the losses of my children.  All of that pain and loss and sorrow and suffering have made me who I am today, and have equipped me in such a way as to reach others who are hurting and in need of healing.

     My passion for helping is greatly fueled by the experiences I've had forging my path in this world.  It is all about the journey.  The journey from sorrow and pain to that of healing and restoration.  I want to assist others in walking that path, in finding their way back to the persons they were meant to be.  I do not believe God wants for our futures to be riddled with sorrow from our abortions.  I believe He wants us to accept the forgiveness and peace that He offers every minute of every hour of every day, and to live our lives in great joy sharing what He has done within us.  What witness does endless suffering have?  What purpose does it serve?  Contrast that with the hope that a broken person that has been healed brings to the world, and you will know which He values in our lives.  Jeremiah 29:11, that our pastor spoke of this past week, says it so well, "For I know the plans I have for you.  Plans to prosper you and not harm to you, plans to give you hope and a future."

     If you have someone in your life, who essentially has their hand over your mouth, stifling your voice and keeping you from being who you need to be, I hope you will ask God to take that hand away and give you the voice He intends for you to have.  I hope you will realize your worth and your value.  I hope you will take hold of the power you possess inside you and take it back from those that are trying to steal it away from you.  I hope you will reach out for help in finding your voice.  I am here for you.  I will pray for you.

Our Spiritual Lifelines

For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  Psalm 139:13-16

Surrender the Secret Episode 8

     My favorite scripture, Isaiah 61, is emphasized in this episode and so beautifully describes the post-abortive woman who has exchanged her shame and guilt for God's loving forgiveness and healing.  This episode is about bringing the study to a close and examining what will happen next in the lives of the women, including how they will go forward into the world and help others who are going through similar pain and sorrow.

     I enjoyed seeing the women talk about their feelings of longing to help others and their desire to follow God's will and plan for their lives.  I feel excited to think about their futures and the impact they will have on others in the various paths that they choose. When we come through traumatic events and times of great loss in our lives, and we reach out to God for help, healing and support, those times can be the most positively powerful and changing times of our lives.  They often are catalysts that pull us close to our Creator, helping us to develop a deep, intimate relationship with Him.  If we are able to look past the costs of those times, we can truly be thankful for them, because they often make us stronger, and more receptive to God's purpose for our lives.

      

Episode 7 of Surrender the Secret

     In this episode of Surrender the Secret, these brave women participate in a Memorial Service to honor their lost children.  This is a tender, sacred time of healing for those of us who have lost a child to abortion.  I like the way the women chose their own flowers to memorialize their children and the way the cross was displayed on the table, with their flowers mingled all around it.

     Writing and sharing a story to your aborted child is a difficult and cathartic task.  I remember writing to my children many years ago for the first time after completing a Bible study similar to Surrender the Secret called "Her Choice to Heal."  It was my first encounter with a tool to help women to heal from abortion, and was indeed my first attempt to make sense of the excrutiating pain that I was in emotionally and mentally.  I remember seeing the title of the book in a magazine in a doctor's office and immediately going to purchase the book at a local Christian Bible store.  I was petrified to bring the book up to the counter to pay for it.  I was so afraid someone would see what I was buying and know what I had done.  I was so shrouded in secrecy in my life at that time, yet so hungry to hear someone else's post abortion story, so in need of help in figuring out what was happening to me.  I did bring the book to the register, and with my eyes cast down allowed the nice lady to ring up the book.  She did not comment on the book, nor did she look at me with judgment that I could see; and I have always been thankful for that moment.

     I remember writing my letter for the first time.  It felt odd to acknowledge my children as  real people, instead of  "bad choices" or  "terrible regrets."  For the first time I was able to separate what I had done from whom I had done it.  There was  more to that day than just what I did. I had to face the fact that in heaven waiting for me, are two precious beings, who are my children.  It was difficult to speak to them at first.  For so long, I had not allowed myself to acknowledge their lives.  I did in that sort of suspended place that I believe is denial, but I had not allowed it deep in my soul where it counted, where it needed to be for me to work on healing.  In order to write the letters, I had to consider who my children were and what their lives had meant to me up until that moment.  It was a difficult task, but after I finished, I was so glad I had pushed through it.

     The women in the series shared from their hearts in their letters to their children.  We have been blessed by hearing their letters and witnessing the work they are allowing God to do in their lives.  They are inspiring and humbling as well.  I am thankful for their willingness to share with us.

Wonderful Retreat!!!

     This past weekend was our Spring Rachel's Vineyard Post-Abortion Healing retreat, and it was such an amazing experience!!  We had a small group of five, as we usually do, and it was so wonderful to share in the healing journeys of those who attended!  It is such a blessing to be a part of a ministry that touches lives in such a profound way!  All weekend I had the comforting feeling that I was in the right place at the right time doing exactly what God has asked me to do with my life, and believe me after years upon years of praying for a vision of what that would look like and be, it is an  indescribable feeling of deep contentment.

     The retreat weekends are such unique experiences of personal growth, spiritual healing and bonding on a deep level with others who have walked the same path.  If we didn't do anything all weekend other than talk about our experiences and get to know others who understand the deep and all consuming pain of abortion, we still would come away blessed and changed by the experience, but the weekend retreats encompass so much more than that!!  I believe Theresa Burke, the co-founder of Rachel's Vineyard and author of the retreats, did an outstanding job of incorporating opportunity after opportunity for the participants to invite healing into their lives through our personal Savior, Jesus Christ.  It is the spiritual healing that is received in the weekends that makes the difference in peoples' lives, it is Spirit ordained transformations that are lasting and life changing!!

     We have a group of facilitators who are all caring, Christian, non-judgmental women whose lives have been touched in some way by abortion.  One of our facilitators is an ordained, female minister who offers her wisdom and understanding of the Scriptures during our spiritually healing exercises.  We are blessed with a personal chef, who prepares each and every meal lovingly on site by hand just for our group.  We provide our retreats in a beautiful country estate that has been lovingly restored and rebuilt by people inspired by God to provide a warm, welcoming and cozy home away from home for those who are on healing journeys following all kinds of trauma and loss.  Every window you look out at the retreat center, you see pastures and mountains and rolling hills.  There are numerous places on the property designed for quiet contemplation and meditation as well.

     What a blessing to get away and be able to allow God to move and work in your life for an entire weekend with like minded individuals in need of the same help as you are, with experienced, caring facilitators to guide and support you throughout the weekend as you seek and receive God's gifts of grace and mercy!

Mark 6: 31 shares such a special message for those of us who are hurting and in need of His infinite love and comfort,   Jesus said to them, `Come away with me. Let us go alone to a quiet place and rest for a while.'

      

      If you or someone you love are hurting and in need of healing due to pain and regret from an abortion experience, I pray you will reach out and call or register for our next weekend retreat.  We will be scheduling the next retreat in the next week, and it will take place in October of 2013, you may check back here on our website for an exact date, or visit www.rachelsvineyard.org for a list of retreats being offered in your area.  Please, remember that our site is Interdenominational and that all Christian religions are welcome to attend.  Call us at 828-919-8020 for more information or just to talk about your experiences and needs.

Surrender the Secret Episode 6

     Episode 6 of the Knock TV series, Surrender the Secret touches on some of the hardest and best parts of healing after an abortion.  The losses that occur with an abortion decision are numerous and broad in range and scope.  They are as varied as the people who make the choice to abort.  In contrast to the losses are the blessings that occur in our healing journeys as we discover the deeper purposes for our lives that God has planned, and those that we receive when we draw nearer to Him in our desperation for help and restoration.

     Jill talked about "exchanging our grief for grace," in this episode and I love this expression.  It is a tremendous relief, when we come to the place where we are able to recognize that our grief over the past is burdening us to the point that our present lives are being stifled and severely disabled.  We can spend years caught in the web of lies that our grief is what we deserve, or is somehow our penance for our sin.  There is even a subconscious belief that grieving for the rest of our lives is somehow a fair punishment for what we have done.  For many of us, our grief serves as a connection to our lost child, an almost tangible bond to keep our little ones alive in some sense of the word.  It is such a wonderful, welcomed relief to finally see that we don't have to grieve the rest of our lives for our mistakes, and can instead accept God's grace that freely flows from the cross and Jesus' sacrifice for our lives.  It takes courage to take this step, it takes faith that we won't lose ourselves in this process, as the grief defines who we are in so many ways.  It is indeed a leap of faith, an outright display of surrender and recognition of God's love and forgiveness and acceptance of us as His children--not because of anything we have or have not done, but because of who He is.

     The losses are still real, and they never go away.  My heart aches for women like Jane, and others, who are never able to be a mother because of the destruction of their abortions.  We all have suffered losses from our abortion decisions and choices, and those unfortunately never go away.  It takes us many years of maturing and seeking insights to realize in how many ways our lives are impacted by the losses from our abortions.  As Jill's emotions demonstrated in this episode, we realize it a little at a time how much we actually have lost in the act of abortion, and in living with the impacts that it has on our lives.  As by her example she shares that she has losses with her living children as well as a result of her abortion, due to her coping mechanism in living her daily life.  As she put it, she had to "wall off her emotions," which has tremendous effects on all of the other relationships in our lives.  I can see myself in this way in not being able to fully enjoy my oldest child, as looking at him in the fullness of who he was as a child would have brought forth the reality of the other child I had lost, and I was no where near ready to deal with that reality.  

     We all must deal with the complete voids in our lives where are children would have been, and those consequences never go away.  It is a blessing however, when we realize the fact that we do have a right to grieve our lost children.  We feel early on that we made the choice to abort, and by doing that we "forfeit" the right to grieve our lost child.  The truth is, we have every right to grieve our lost children, and why on earth would we not.  To say that we do not is cruelty and heartlessness.  I completely agree with Jill's statement that when we choose abortion we go against everything we were created to do as women.  I think this is the very crux of where my greatest pain came from for many years.  As I have said in other posts, when I made this choice, I went against every fiber of my being and committed the ultimate of sins within my own body, mind and spirit.  I did it against my own will, because I felt there was no other way.  This was the absolute hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  Then, when I was able to accept that God's grace covered even this sin, I have never felt more grateful for anything before then, or since.

     Only God can use something as awful and as damaging as abortion to help women to overcome and move forward to reach and minister to other women and men who are hurting as well, or hopefully, as in Vanessa's case, to be able to prevent an abortion from occurring in the first place.  In my own life, though I accepted Jesus as my savior at a young age, it has been through my abortion losses and other losses in my life, that my faith has been strengthened and my relationship with God made deeper and more meaningful!  I absolutely love the scripture that is shared in one part of this episode, as I am reminded of how precious I am, and you are, to our Heavenly Father, and how close He is at all times:  

Isaiah 43: 1-3 says, 

"I have called you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned...For I am the Lord your God." 

     Thank God!  Thank God He is always present, even in the deep waters, and the fires of life!  Thank God that He never leaves me or forsakes me!  He never leaves or forsakes you!

Surrender the Secret Episode 5

     Episode 5 focuses largely on forgiveness of others surrounding the abortion choice, and accepting God's forgiveness completely, because of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross for us.

     I loved that the study emphasizes what forgiveness is NOT, along with what it truly means.  There are so many pitfalls in this area, when we are trying to process our anger and forgive others, or accept forgiveness ourselves.  Many of us have believed the myth for so long that forgiving means that we accept what has been done to us, or what we have done as "okay."  Those of us who have chosen abortion know that it will never be okay that we did this.  I am so glad that this distinction was made here, and that the point that forgiving does not minimize what has taken place, or dictate that we should just be completely fine with what has happened.

     Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation, is another point that was touched on, and I believe it is so important for us to understand this.  I remember as a child and a young adult, it was so easy for me to "forgive and forget."  I would forgive and just pretend that whatever had been done to me did not matter, that everything was just fine.  Now, I understand that it does not work that way.  Sometimes the infractions against us are so evil and so hurtful that we feel we cannot ever forgive what has been done, let alone, forget about it.  But, God states for us very clearly to forgive, because we have been forgiven.  So, out of obedience to God, to follow His instruction for our lives, we must choose to forgive, and then ask God to fill those angry spaces with His love.  Still, even in doing this, it is not always healthy for us to go back to relationships with those who have hurt us on such a deep, psychological level, especially if they hurt us over and over again. 

     I don't think I had ever heard it said that the Bible does not identify a need for us to forgive ourselves for things that we have done, only to accept God's forgiveness.  I am still thinking this point through and mulling it around in my mind.  Kelly pointed out in this episode, "forgiving ourselves and accepting God's forgiveness are almost two different packages."  I currently believe they are two separate packages.   But, as I'm processing this, does that mean I am putting myself on God's level, granting the blessing of forgiveness right along beside Him?  I can never see myself on the same playing field as God, there is no way to even make this comparison, it would be compeltely ridiculous to do so.

     In my mind, if we accept God's forgiveness, and do not forgive ourselves for an abortion choice, this is a sin, because we are placing ourselves as higher judges than God.  This was the point that drove my decision to finally make the choice to forgive myself, as I outlined in this June 25th, 2012 post.  I felt I could accept that God could forgive me, because He said He will forgive anything that we confess with a pure heart, and I knew I truly confessed my sin to Him desperately seeking His forgiveness; but I vowed within my own heart, "I will NEVER forgive myself for what I have done."  I wrestled with this for months and months, as God patiently showed me that forgiving myself was an act of obedience to Him; and that even if I didn't feel in my heart that I could forgive myself, I must make the choice to do so in reverence to my Creator.  Now, after watching this episode I'm thinking, "is forgiving myself more of a deeper acceptance of God's forgiveness, rather than a separate form of forgiveness?"  I will pray about this point, and write more in a later post about what God reveals to me.  It is definitely an interesting point to ponder, and I am grateful for the show for bringing this question into the light for me.

Surrender the Secret Episode 4

   

   
     Other duties have kept me from being able to watch the next episode of this series until last night, but it's been on my mind, and I look forward to it each Tuesday.  This episode focuses on the anger that surrounds an abortion decision.  I believe the anger is one of the hardest phases to work through, especially if you are from a background like mine, where you were not allowed to express anger and other negative feelings, and anger was constantly modeled in the most inappropriate of ways.  As the women in this episode discussed, and Vanessa verbalized in her side segment, the anger starts way before the abortion decision is ever made.  Then it is compounded by the hurts that happen during and in the time of the abortion. 

     It is normal to feel angry with many people after an abortion.  Many of us fight these feelings and push them deep inside our psyches, so deep in fact that we may not even know, or acknowledge that the anger really exists; or worse, we internalize it and blame ourselves completely and solely for our choice.  Our abortion choices had many contributors, even people who were unaware of the crisis pregnancy at all.  As Jill touched on in her letter to her parents, "why did you not stop me, why did I feel I couldn't come to you for help."  There is a direct proven link between abuse in childhood and abortion choices.  Abuse can take on so many different forms, it is no longer the old definition of children being beaten black and blue, burned with cigarettes or locked in closets.  We now know that verbal and emotional abuse is just as damaging, if not more so, and can have long lasting, even devastating consequences.

     In order to work through the anger that surfaces in working through your feelings about your abortion choice, a level of deep acceptance of the anger needs to take place first.  Please, don't fight the anger, it is necessary, it is healthy, it is acceptable to us and to God.  What we do with the anger is often where the problem comes in.  I'm not saying it's okay to take your anger out by mistreating your spouse, your children, your friends or anyone else in your life.  I'm talking about honest anger that is to be dealt with in healthy and constructive ways.  Simply allow the feelings to come, and don't fight them, then do something to get them out of you, as you saw in this episode, writing a letter and ripping it up is constructive.  Burning the letters is constructive, it is taking the anger outside of your body and disposing of it in such a way as to harm no one.  Praying about it and asking God to take the anger away and release it from you is a wonderful tool in dealing with anger.  Asking God to replace the anger with His love for the people that hurt you is a powerful way to release the anger and give yourself a sense of peace and calm where there may have been resentment, anger and even hatred at times.  As you pray these prayers, breathe out the anger to the air in long, slow, deep breathes, while visualizing God's loving hands surrounding it and making it dissolve into nothing.  In doing this, you are giving the anger away to the One and Only that can make something good out of something bad.  Many people journal about their anger, or they write many letters, each one allowing a little of the anger to be expelled at a time, this is healthy.  Talking about it and expressing it to a trusted friend or relative is constructive, crying and screaming and wailing is acceptable when you are alone or with someone you trust very much.  Even physically releasing the anger is healthy if you enjoy physical activities, beating a punching bag, or pillow is cathartic at times.  Just do what you need to do without hurting yourself or anyone else, and it will be beneficial; the most important point is to not fight the anger, instead accept that it is how you feel in this moment.  Feelings change, emotions come and go, they are not facts.  Just because I am angry today, that does not mean I'm going to be angry tomorrow or next week.  It is just an emotion like any other, and if we can step back from it and look at it in this way, it helps to minimize its power in our lives.  The distance will allow us to have a new perspective about these negative emotions.

     Many people worry that if they start to allow themselves to feel the anger, that it will consume them.  They feel overwhelmed by anger, and uncomfortable with the anxiety that accompanies anger.  That is because in general, we haven't had healthy experiences with this emotion.  Many people use anger in destructive and manipulative ways, and this leads to many hurt feelings, and damaged relationships, and broken hearts.  It's hard to convince someone who has kept it bottled inside for years and years that it's okay to go into that anger, that they may feel overwhelmed in the beginning by this strong emotion, but that it is healthy to deal with it.  Holding it inside only leads to disease and for many, emotional and psychological problems that can span a lifetime.  I hope that you will allow yourself to feel the anger and will release it in healthy ways.  As the women demonstrated with the rocks, if it is not released, it is baggage that goes with us everywhere we go, weighing us down and keeping us from our fullest potential, and robbing us of peace and tranquility in our lives.  The anger that is left to fester will only cause us emotional pain, while those that we are angry with continue on with their lives oblivious to the fact that they have hurt us at all many times.

     And finally, by taking a good, long, honest look at our anger without allowing it to control our lives, we stand to gain an amazing amount of insight and personal growth from having experienced it and worked our way through it.  I think insight, understanding the underlying reasons we feel and do the things we do, is one of God's greatest gifts to us.  It is quite a blessing to have a clearer view of our lives and the pain we have experienced, when it allows us to grow and make changes that have lasting and empowering results in our lives.  The insight only comes if we unabashedly invite it into our lives, without fear of what will be revealed to us.  We open the door wide to the blessing of insight, when we look, even trembling, full on into the face of our deepest emotions, with anger being a primary one.  One of the reasons that anger is so important for us to work through is that it masks so many other things.  I remember early in my counseling career a trusted mentor sharing with me the analogy of the onion and peeling away the layers, as being the same thing we do in therapy.  We begin to peel back what we see on the surface (anger, outbursts, relational problems, eating disorders, addiction, etc.) to have a closer look inside what is driving these behaviors (hurt, rejection, fear, loneliness, poor self-esteem, psychological damage, etc.). 

     You and I are brave, whether we feel that we are all the time or not, we absolutely are.   If we are willing to work at understanding our lives, our thoughts, and our behaviors; our pasts, and our presents, that takes courage.  We have everything to gain from working on this, and nothing to lose but heavy "rocks."

Surrender the Secret Episode 3

   
      Today's episode was difficult to watch, because the harsh reality of abortion, and what we have done as women who have made this choice is undeniably awful!  No matter how much healing a person goes through, or experiences, this fact remains unmovable and irrevocable.  The reality that there was life, and our choice to abort ended that life, leaves a void in our lives that can never, ever be filled.  Our children are gone, and can never be replaced.  My heart goes out to the women in our world, along with the women on the show, who are living daily with the pain of regret from an abortion choice, no matter how long ago that abortion may have taken place.  My heart aches for the innocent lives that are ended daily around the world, as one statistic shared in this episode shows us, 1.5 million abortions taking place each year, making this the most common procedure among women.  How long will this continue?  How long before enough of us share our stories of regret to break through the denial of the pro-choice rhetoric?

     This episode was largely about the lies that are told to women convincing them that abortion is an okay option, because the life inside them are really just "tissue."  I have to say, I do not really feel I was "duped" by the system so to speak, though I agree it is a huge lie that is told to many that "abortion is a simple procedure that removes some unnecessary tissue and you'll be fine soon after it's over."  That really didn't factor into my choice.  I was deceived by the lies of the enemy much more so than the actual clinic itself, and I do realize that the enemy is also behind those lies as well.  I remember a constant barrage of lies from the time I opened my eyes in the morning until I closed them at night, and it was very much an attack on my mind and my emotions, not to mention my body, with the incessant anxiety and panic of being alone in a crisis pregnancy situation. 

     I remember thoughts like, "you can't afford to take care of another child, you can barely care for the one you have now," "you can't make ends meet working two jobs as a single mother now, and you think you can add another child to the household, that's ridiculous," "your boyfriend doesn't want you or love you or want to marry you, if he did, he would ask...so if you got married and had the baby, he would just be stuck with you and you've already had one failed marriage, and now you think you can have another marriage?"  "What will your parents say, you know their Cardinal rule has always been no children out of wedlock,"  "your mother is going to be furious, she'll leave you and never look back if you tell anyone you're pregnant and not married," "what will your students think, aren't you the hypocrite that's always preaching abstinence to them?"  On and on the constant taunting would go, and all day long the panic and feeling of extreme loneliness and isolation as a woman trapped in a "horrible" situation.  My boyfriend was there, but all he had to offer was, "whatever you want to do, I'll support you."  I told no one else about the pregnancy for many years.  I have never felt so alone in my life.  I remember feeling that I had to make myself hate the life inside me, in order to go through with the abortion, as if my baby was the one to blame.  I think one of the things that made it so traumatic for me both times was, I didn't enter into it with the denial that "it is just a blob of tissue" as I hear many women say. I knew I had a life inside me, and I knew on some stifled, buried and disconnected level that this life was precious, and I did not want to end it, but felt I had absolutely no other choice... no other option in the world to do anything other than what I chose to do.  So, I made myself do it against my own will, against my own beliefs, against my own moral code as a woman and a mother, against basically everything that I hold true to my heart about being a Christian.  For me, the fact that abortion is called a "Choice," something the pro-choice agenda uses as a positive, is absurd to me.  I felt I had no "choice" whatsoever, if I had I would hope that I would have chosen something different. 

Episode 2 of Surrender the Secret

   

    
     Yesterday, on Surrender the Secret, the ladies from the group shared their stories, with the exception of Vanessa.  This episode was so powerful to watch, and so heart wrenching at the same time.  Sharing the stories of our past abortions is one of the hardest things to do in our lives, and there is no way to go into that story without dredging up images, memories, and emotional pain.  Healing does not erase these components of a past abortion, it only makes it easier to bear, what we once thought was unbearable.  In our healing retreats, sharing our stories is equally hard as it was for the women in the group on this show, so beautifully put together by Knock TV.  But, the sharing brings cohesion and unity to what may be an extremely varied group, along with building trust that is absolutely essential in any healing setting.

     I was thrilled as I watched to see no condemnation or judgment within the group as stories were shared, this will mean that trust can develop and that each woman will feel freer to share what her innermost thoughts and emotions are moving forward.  I must underscore the importance that any time we discuss our abortions, or share of this personal information, we must do so in a SAFE ENVIRONMENT, as you witnessed in this episode.  A safe environment isn't one where people stroke our egos and tell us it's okay that we had abortions, it is a place where all of our shortcomings and mistakes can be brought into the light without someone running in to judge us or tell us how awful we are.  No one in this group denies that abortion was wrong, in the results for their children or for themselves and their relationships; and if you listen closely, you can hear the language that each woman uses to describe her regret and struggle with self acceptance due to her former choice.  Especially, in the early stages of a woman's healing journey, we must be so careful about sharing these intimate details with others; as we may unknowingly open ourselves up for further emotional damage.  I hope that as time goes on, many more can come to participate in this type of safe environment in which to grow and heal, by attending one of our post-abortion healing retreats.

     I am so thankful for the courage that Kelly had in sharing her story of having had two abortions.  She is speaking for so many women, myself included, when she shares of her second abortion, and how equally painful, if not more so it was for her.  Some people, even women who have had one abortion, sometimes have a difficult time understanding how a woman could make the choice to abort multiple times.  The fact that a person has more than one abortion speaks to the emotional trauma that that person has endured in their lifetime.  It often follows a lifetime of abuse in many cases, and indicates many times a chronically dysfunctional relationship with ones mother.  A person who chooses abortion more than once has a deep seeded psychological need to recreate the trauma she has come to know in her life; to generate the defamation of her own character to make her circumstances fit what is her "norm" again, and this may happen over and over and over again, until some catalyst changes or interrupts this cycle.  It is extremely difficult to stop abusing yourself, when that is what you have been lead to believe you are worth in this world.  Words and ideas like self-love and self-respect and self-care are non-existent in the lives of the abused.  Further, if you've never been allowed to feel your feelings, or to express them, or even how to identify what they are, when faced with a crisis pregnancy, there is no way you can think through and predict the consequences of your actions or your possible thoughts and feelings after having an abortion.  There is very little hope that a woman in this situation would be able to make a wise, careful and informed decision; which makes her extremely susceptible to having more than one abortion, and making many, many relationally poor decisions.

     I hope that many will gain understanding, as they watch these episodes in the future, that there is so much more to the picture, than just the abortion(s).  I hope that many will see that abortion is just one of the symptoms women exhibit from past pain in their lives.  Abortion is pain made manifest.  Pain that ironically produces even more pain and tragedy in the lives of the many who choose it.  Please continue watching with me, HERE,  as we watch the journeys of these five, strong women in the next several weeks, with Episode 3 airing online on February 5th, 2013.  And if you are interested, we have another retreat coming up soon, on March 15th-17th, 2013, and we still have slots open for it.  Call me now to register @ 828-919-8020.

Roe v. Wade Anniversary/Surrendering The Secret Episode 1

     It's been forty years, since the landmark case of Roe v. Wade decided that abortion is legal.  Forty years.  It is estimated that 43% of women of childbearing years have experienced at least one abortion.  This is an astronomical number of losses, totaling more lives lost than all of the world's wars put together.  My heart aches to think of the children lost and the mothers and fathers whose lives are never the same after abortion touches them.  It truly is heart-wrenching, this "right" that we have to "choose."

     I wish that somehow, the people who fight so vehemently for the right to choose could walk one day in the shoes of the post-abortive woman or man who lives with a huge and undeniable void in their lives because of a past choice to abort one or more of their children.  I wish they could understand from the perspective of the woman suffering Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, or Post Abortion Syndrome how damaging psychologically the actual procedure in itself is, and how it changes who you are forever going forward in your life.  The ironic reality is that so many that make this choice don't even feel that they have a choice, but that abortion is their only choice and the only way, seeing at the time, no other possible solution.  And then once they do this awful thing that they don't want to do in the first place, there is NO coming back from it.  When they leave that clinic or Dr's office, their lives as they knew them are over.

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     I watched with great anticipation the first episode of Surrendering the Secret on Knock TV last night.  I was filled with a thankfulness the entire show for the willingness of some to broadcast the truth about abortion and its aftermath; and even more importantly the forgiveness, healing and peace that comes from our Lord, if we seek Him with all of our hearts.  I am proud as a Christian to watch this exceptionally made show, knowing that in doing so our voices are being heard and growing stronger.  I am so thankful for this effort, and I commend the team at Knock TV for producing this in such a timely way! 

      As a therapist, I have sat in a circle of people just like the one on this show more times than I can count; and every single time, be it a group I am part of, or something I participate in as an observer, I am touched by the individual and unique humanity of us.  I thoroughly enjoyed watching this episode, as I could almost feel what the women were feeling as they entered into these scary and unchartered waters.  I am so impressed with their willingness to share, knowing their deepest feelings will be exposed to any and all who watch this show.  I am thankful, as a Christian and as a post-abortive woman myself, for the voice that is given here to the pain of abortion and to the mercy and healing that is available for us to receive from our precious Savior and Creator.  I am so appreciative for the individuals that care enough to put this show together, and amazed at how far we are coming in our ability to reach out to others all over the world with the truth about abortion and its devastation.  Thank God for Knock TV, and I will continue to pray for each and every participant who works to make this show possible. 

     My most paramount prayer is that abortion will end.  I pray that women and men will come to understand the horrors that result in this choice.  I pray that our young women will know the lies that trapped so many of us older women into having abortions are just that--lies that our enemy uses to lure us into a place of captivity, so that our lives can be negatively impacted, so that our joy can be robbed, so that our purposes will not be fulfilled in this world.  We must do our best to educate our young girls and boys about the possible pitfalls before them, so that the generations ahead of us will not be impacted in this horrific way.  It is our responsibility to expose the lies that cover and hide the truth from our young people.

     I hope you will join me in watching the rest of the episodes in this season of Surrendering the Secret.  The journey with these courageous women will be deeply touching, and a wonderful learning opportunity for those of us who have "been there." Next week in Episode 2, they will be sharing their stories, perhaps the most difficult part of the study.  You may watch it HERE.  I pray that as you watch, if you too are hurting from abortion, that you would reach out and begin your own healing journey.  That may be through doing the Surrender the Secret Bible study on your own, it may mean beginning therapy, it may mean attending a retreat, it may mean simply talking with a trusted friend or relative about your secret pain.  Whatever your need is, whatever your decided next step may be, I pray that you seek God in helping you and guiding you forward; because aside from Him, there is no real healing, of that I am certain.  I will pray for you as you take the next step that is right for you.  May God bless you.

God Will Take Care Of You

     As I do every new year, as I'm sure you do too, I ordered a new calendar to hang on the board above my desk last week.  I wanted something uplifting and empowering, with lovely art work to look at for inspiration also.  When I opened the calendar and looked at the picture and poem for January, I knew I had ordered just the right one for me.  Now, I can't stop reading the perfectly written words that hang peacefully there; and I want to share them with you, in hopes that you also may be uplifted by them.  They are written by Linda E. Knight, and are based on the scripture of Hebrews 13:5, "For He has said, I will never leave you or forsake you."  Which happened to have been extremely powerful and meaningful words for me during a dark time in my life, perhaps that is why this strikes such a deep chord within me.

May your heart 

find peace and comfort

in the knowledge

 that you are never alone.

May God's presence ease 

your spirit and give you rest.

He knows how you feel.

He is ever aware of your circumstances 

and ready to be your strength, 

your grace, and your peace.

He is there to cast sunlight

into all your darkened shadows,

to send encouragement through the love

of friends and family, and 

to replace your weariness with new hope.

God is your stronghold,

and with Him as your guide,

you need never be afraid.

No circumstances can block His love.

No grief is too hard for Him to bear.

No task is too difficult

for Him to complete.

When what you are feeling 

is simply too deep for words

and nothing anyone does or says

can provide you with the relief you need,

God understands.

He is your provider--

today, tomorrow, and always.

And He loves you.

Cast all your cares on Him...

and believe. 

(Taken outside the chapel at my retreat.)

      

Aren't these words beautiful?  Don't they speak so sweetly to the post-abortive heart?  I love the line, "When what you are feeling is simply too deep for words and nothing anyone does or says can provide you with the relief you need, God understands."   I believe this is my favorite part of the poem.  It is true, there are times and moments when no one can help, except God.  But, what if we've shut Him out?  Where is the hope then?  The answer is there isn't any hope without Him.  None.  But, hope may return, if only we open the door again, and let Him in.  He will listen, He is present always, but He will NOT knock the door down and barge in, we must invite Him.  The choice is ours.  The choice is yours.

The World Has Changed

     I was listening to a radio station this afternoon, while cleaning up the dishes that I didn't get to yesterday evening, and heard the announcer talking about a couple of musicians that are dating and have just found their dream villa to live in; and then the female announcer finished by saying, "maybe there will be a baby nursery in there somewhere...first the baby, and then a marriage maybe?"  She made this statement with no negative connotation or inflection in her voice, and it gave me pause.
     I thought about how much things have changed since 1997, when I felt inadvertently coerced into my second abortion.  Huge determining factors in my second abortion decision were disappointing my parents, and making my mother angry, along with being judged by my peers and my students, as well as the church.  I was raised in a strict home and taught that getting pregnant outside marriage was an extreme "no-no."  It was about the worst thing a young woman could do to her family, and of course, there was the ever present, "What would the neighbors think, if they found out!"  In other words, my eyes and mind were on everyone else basically, EXCEPT me and God, when that relationship was the most important concern I should have had.
     So, what am I saying?  Am I saying that I think we should tell young woman to do whatever feels good, and if they get pregnant outside marriage it's fine and not a problem?  No, not at all.  What I propose we do is start at the very beginning, in raising and nurturing our girls to be strong, confident and smart young women, so that when they step out into the world, they are secure in themselves, in their bodies, and most importantly in their faith and relationships with God.  
     I suggest we teach our daughters, sisters, and nieces that they are valuable beyond measure and that the reason they should abstain from sex before marriage is that they will be happier, healthier and safer in every aspect of their lives, if they do.  That they don't have to use their bodies to give or receive love or feel desirable and worthy, that if they will stay by His side, Jesus will guide them each and every step of the way, showing them their worth and goodness, with zero negative side effects. 
     I hope we can educate our girls about the lie of the media, yes, I said the lie, that many of us moms buy into as well; the one about the TV girls/women, the ones that have to be a certain size, or have a certain look, or hair, or clothes or zip code, and on and on it goes.  Our message to those females that we care about, and males too for that matter, needs to be that we are all unique individuals created in God's own image; and we need to look no further than Him to find out who we "should" look like and be.
     I pray we teach them NOT TO EVER DO ANYTHING THAT IS AGAINST THEIR OWN MORAL CODE IN LIFE TO PLEASE ANYONE ELSE, NO MATTER HOW IMPORTANT THOSE PEOPLE ARE IN THEIR LIVES.  To do this, which is what I did with my parents (especially my mother) in my second abortion decision, goes against God in a powerful and mighty way; and I firmly believe God takes this very seriously and that the relationship we put in front of our relationship with Him will suffer tremendously for it.
     The most important thing that we can do as parents, aunts and uncles, and sisters and brothers for our young people is to instill in them the need for a close and personal relationship with our creator.  I'm not talking about Church or Sunday School, although those definitely have their place, but most importantly I'm talking about a real, tangible, intimate friendship that is strengthened and nurtured through prayer and praise and worship on an very personal and private level.  You see, I'm convinced that what really matters in our lives is the time we invest seeking our Lord with all of our hearts, in quite times of contemplation and really LISTENING to what He has to say to us.  Times of shutting out the noises are so important!  Instead of praying and talking about what we want, we need to say, "here I am, Lord, listening for your voice..." and then just waiting to see what He says and believing in faith in what is being spoken to our hearts and minds.
     Lord, I pray that our girls will face the world with one thing, and one thing only on their minds, and that is pleasing you and seeking you; because I know one of the most important secrets a girl could ever know in life, for a fact.  I know that if we seek You, and listen to You, and follow You when we're 16, 19, 23, 27 and on and on, and never part from You, then when we get to be that 40 something year old woman in the mirror looking back at us, we can say, "I don't have any regrets about the life I've lived. I've sought God's will in every choice, and prayerfully did my very best, and I hope beyond words that I have pleased Him."  SEEK***LISTEN***FOLLOW: this is Your winning formula.
     Boy, I know my life would be different in several ways, if I had known this secret 20 some years ago.  I wish I could have gone into the world knowing I was worthy, not because of who I am, but because I had Jesus in my heart.  I wish I'd known that although I'd been abused and beaten down, that God didn't want that for me, that I didn't need to go out and find that, or recreate that again just to feel normal, but that I deserved better.  I wish I'd known what to ask God for in those days moving forward toward the exit signs down east.  And most of all I wish I'd never looked away from Him, because as I look back now, it's during those times that I sure did make a mess of things in my life.  And those times have had repercussions that have/will last a lifetime.
    

Christmas and New Year

     Another holiday season has come and gone now, and we are looking wide eyed into the new year to see what will unfold.  This is an exciting time of year, full of possibilities and potential, and I hope that all will go the way you choose for it to go in the coming year.
     It is normal as a post-abortive individual to experience some sadness about your loss during the holidays, whether you consider yourself "healed" or not.  Those of us who have chosen abortion in our past will always feel the presence of a void in our lives, because there is a physically absent person in our lives.  There is an ungive-able gift under our trees so to speak, there is an unfill-able chair at our tables, and an unfill-able storehouse of memories that we cannot create with those we have lost. 
     So, with my mind thinking of those who have lost children to abortion, I offer this post as a place to honor those children, a memorial of sorts to those who have gone before us.  And just as this new year holds potential, I pray that you will see and feel the potential of your reunification one day with your child(ren) in spirit and body in heaven, where we will know them for an eternity.  It is possible to establish a spiritual bond with our children while we are still living here on this earth, and they are residing in heaven.  This is one of the crucial steps addressed in our Rachel's Vineyard retreats.  This connection brings me immense comfort during times like the holidays, because I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that my children are alive in heaven and waiting for me.  God has revealed them to me, their names and their sexes and the very essences of them.  This revelation is such an enormous comfort to me, and can be to you as well!
     My heart goes out to you during this time, if you are experiencing emotional pain from the loss of a child to abortion.  Please, know you are not alone, and there is no need for you to suffer in silence and solitude.  Call 828-919-8020 to begin working on a path to healing through therapy and/or a weekend retreat.  Our next retreat is scheduled for March 15-17th 2013, and we still have room for you; call us with any questions you may have about our services and the upcoming retreat.