Make a U-Turn

My young son attends preschool a couple of days a week for 1 hour and 45 minutes per blissful, Mommy-time session.  I had been sitting in the car waiting for him, and using that time to read, pray, meditate, and write--valuable time well spent.  This morning I decided to go exploring, as his preschool site is on the opposite end of the county we live in, so it is not an area I spend very much time in usually.  I drove around and around down this country road and that road looking at new, and sometimes old places, for a change of pace.  If I got uncomfortable about the thought of getting lost, I made a U-Turn and went the other way.  If I felt curious about where a particular road went, I turned onto that road and went with it, being sure to be aware of landmarks and direction changes.  It was fun and liberating.  I discovered a walking track a couple of miles from there, which made my journey that much sweeter.

Isn't it wonderful that we have the choice in our lives to dictate which way we go and which path we take?  Even when it seems like we have no choice, we still do have a choice.  If we don't like how things are going in our lives, we have the right to change what is not working.  We can travel a different road in terms of our relationships, our careers, our goals and dreams.  If we don't like how things are, we have the power to make a change, to do something different---anytime we want to, and not until we want to.

Unfortunately, in life there are problems that arise that have no real solution, I know, I live in one every day.  Sometimes if we can't effect change on the actual problem or situation, we have to make the change inside our own hearts and minds.  Sometimes the change is internal, not external---doesn't matter, it's still a change.  Making a change in the way we view an issue is very healthy and can move us from being stuck in emotional pain and guilt, which drain us of our resources and lessen opportunities.

So, if you sense you're on the wrong road or heading in the wrong direction, ask yourself  what you would like to change and what would you like to do differently.  The process may be a bit scary and anxiety producing in the beginning, but most of the time growth does feel that way.  And you may agree that most of the time, in the end, it's worth it.

Just What the Doctor Ordered

We're baaackkk.  We enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving vacation by the sea and could not have asked for better weather!  We even ended up extending our stay by another day---definitely what the doctor ordered.  
There were countless walks along the shore, hundreds of seashells collected, colorful and brilliant sunsets, and one of our family's favorite activities, chewy, gooey smores made by our beach bonfire.  We all had a blast and hated to see it come to an end.

One day on one of my seashell collecting walks,  I noticed something I had never really thought of before.  I noticed that when the shells are lying on the damp, hardened sand where the water washes up over them repeatedly, they shine and shimmer in an unbelievably stunning way.  But, when I pick them up, carry them, put them in my pocket or my shell bucket, and take them out of that environment, they no longer shine and sparkle as they did before.  Not that they are no longer beautiful, they truly are, it's just that they lose a key component when the element of water is taken from their access.
 I couldn't help but think of how we, as people, shine and shimmer so beautifully, when we have access to all of the support and love and nurturing that we need.

When we are surrounded by people that love us and care for us, we can grow and change and evolve into healthy, productive, fulfilled individuals with the energy and motivation to reach our fullest potential.  We develop colorful, multifaceted personalities.  We have a life long curiosity and inquisitiveness that assists us in setting and reaching goals for our futures.  We believe that we have the right to be who we are, the right to exist and to count and to matter in this world.  Life is a big adventure to be experienced and lived, not something to begrudgingly be endured.

In contrast, when we have people in our lives that abuse us, emotionally, mentally, verbally, physically or spiritually, we are missing some very crucial and imperative components to becoming the people we want to be or need to be.  Our chances of not being happy and healthy people are drastically increased.  Many times the nature of our abuse keeps us from being us at all, because we are so caught up in being and doing what someone else wants us or needs us to be or do.  Our focus becomes living our lives for our abusers, not for ourselves, as it must be. 

If this pattern continues for a long time, we may lose sight of ourselves all together.  We will not develop into the people we are meant to be; and even worse, we will not know who we are all together.  Going back to the shell analogy, not only will the water be taken away, but so will the sunshine, the sand and the other key components that make the shells into the precious little treasures that they are.  The moral of the story is to surround yourself with people who will support you as the sand did the shells; allow people to rub against you emotionally and spiritually to soften and round out your rough edges; purposefully pick people who shine a light on your highlights and bring out your most interesting colors; and finally, allow others' goodness and humanity to wash over you in a soul quenching way, so that you can shine and shimmer and sparkle in all the glory you and I are meant to have.  And if by chance some shell abuser comes along--------RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Going Away

We're going away for the week to the beach-----yeahhhh!!!  I love, love, love the beach!  We hope to relocate there one day down the road, it has always held an unbelievable special place in my heart.  When I was younger, it was an escape for me and my family.  When we went to the beach, it was like being in a different system.  We were all more relaxed, all the rigid rules and roles fell away, and there was an amazing freedom in running down the beach and feeling the sand between my toes.  I'd swim and splash and boggy board and sun bathe all day long, and never ever got tired of it----and still don't.  From the time I see the first glimpse of the ocean from the intracoastal waterway bridge and smell my first whiff of the salty air, until we head off the island to come back home, I'm filled with an unmistakable joy and a grandiose feeling of being in exactly the right place at precisely the right time.  That's living, in the moment, feeling fully alive and fully invested and fully appreciative of the life that is yours for the taking.  There's something unbelievably healing about standing by the ocean and taking in the enormity of it and I always think, "I can't believe that this never stops, these waves roll in one after the other, every second of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade.....whether I'm standing here watching it or not!"  And then, I'm engulfed again in the realization of how great my God is, and how if He can create all of this and keep it all in constant balance all the time; how small is my life to manage in comparison?  How easy it is for Him to take care of me.  How miniscule my concerns must be in regard to His abilities and power!  Then I'm filled again with an overwhelming love and adoration and respect for the gentleness with which He handles my heart; with a gratitude of all  that He has blessed me with; and an unwavering fervor to do whatever it is that I have been created to do, whether I get to stay in my comfort zone or not.  It's not an obligatory feeling, it's one of ultimate respect and a desire to show Him how much I appreciate what I have, and who I am in Him.

I'm hearing a strange new buzz here and there from the media, through social media, in magazines, on the radio, all sorts of places that seems to point to the fact that people seem to be gaining insight into what it means to be a human being and how we actually fit into this world.  This gives me hope for the future, for my children and my children's children, and your children and grandchildren, and so on.  

It seems we are finally trying to take an honest look at ourselves, our thoughts, our behaviors and choices, and many of us are truly trying to find answers to the questions that plague all people, but that generations before us, in some ways, seemed afraid to ask.  We seem more ready than our predecessors to look at our lives and the mistakes we've made in them and try to actually learn from them and make changes in our lives for the better.  We seem to be realizing that our failures or mistakes or shortcomings-whatever you want to call anything less than perfect-are not something to be shunned and be afraid of or be ashamed of, rather they are proof positive that sometimes we have to hurt to learn and grow.  

That's liberating to me.  I've made my fair share of mistakes, and I, for one, am glad that we've reached a point in our emotional evolution that I no longer feel I "should" or need to sit in the corner and beat myself to death about them anymore.  I can forgive myself, learn what I need to from the mistakes, grieve my losses, and move forward in my life, on my way to becoming a happy and healthy person, perhaps for the very first time. 

Heavenly Bonds

We struggle with the fact that we are here on this earth and our babies aren't.  Some days that struggle is harder and bigger than it is on other days, sometimes it feels like an absolutely unbearable task.  Some days we may imagine them waiting in heaven with open arms for us to come home to them; other days we may imagine they hate us, and never want to see us, or much worse.  If we imagine the latter, we aren't giving enough credit to our Creator.  He created bonds to last into eternity, no matter the situation or circumstances surrounding the severing of those bonds.  Though we may think or feel that we severed the bond with our babies, when we decided to have them physically removed from us; we didn't and can never sever the spiritual and emotional bonds God placed inside each of  us with the inception of our children.  Our Father would not allow the destruction of those bonds, doing so would go against the very nature of His love; even if we may sometimes think that's what we would deserve, our children do not deserve that.  

Psalm 139:13 tells of the creation of this bond, one that God obviously respects way too much to allow it to be destroyed, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."  That bond is still very much alive in Him and in heaven with our children, and within all of us as mothers; and through it, we are all bonded to each other, as well.  This Psalm passage goes on to tell about how each of our days are written in His book, before one of them ever comes to be; so He knew what would happen in our lives, the choices we would make, and it does not take away the other bonds He has put in place for us.  We can look forward to enjoying all of the luxuries that those bonds afford us, when we reach heaven and finally meet our little, loved ones for the very first time.

How Did We Get Here?

How did we get to be that woman in the mirror looking back at us?  Where did she come from?  Is she me; or is the me that everyone else sees the real me; or is she the sum of her roles, titles and/or responsibilities?  Is it "yes," to all of the above?  Is it one of those multiple choice trick questions, where there really is no true right or wrong answer, just the more right or wrong answer?  More importantly than, "how did we get to be that woman in the mirror looking back at us," is the question, "how did we get to be that woman, who has had an abortion, in the mirror looking back at us?"  Isn't it still in some ways surreal?  That didn't really happen.  I didn't really make that choice, did I ?  The denial is unbelievably strong!  The denial helped us become that woman, the denial nurtured us in being that woman, and it still wants to play a role, even after we are healed/healing from our irrevocable choice.  For many of us, myself included, it's a good thing it is still there.

I think Fredrica Mathews Green said it best, "A woman doesn't want an abortion like she wants an ice cream cone or a Porshe, but like an animal caught in a trap who gnaws off it's own leg."  I absolutely could not agree more.  I think this quote comes close to describing the all consuming panic and desperation that a woman facing, and ultimately choosing, an abortion feels.

We are the sum of our experiences.  We became the woman in the mirror slowly, methodically, and painfully.  Like so much of life, it happened before we knew what was happening.  I'm not making excuses or trying to shirk my responsibilities, I'm stating facts.  I'm not saying we didn't know what we were doing, unfortunately we knew exactly what we were doing.  Most of us remember all of the details, including sights, sounds, smells, and the painful feelings, and many of us suffer as we relive them over and over and over in our minds and bodies.  What I am saying is that those of us who have suffered from our choice, which was a choice I wish I'd never had, would now do the complete and total opposite now that we can see clearly the devastation it causes, not only for our babies, but for ourselves as well.

Hi, Everyone!!

Welcome to my first ever blog!  I just opened an online counseling practice called Oaks Studio.  I offer individual and couples' counseling for men and women who are hurting following an abortion choice.  Oaks Studio is not affiliated with any pro-life organization or any particular religion or denomination, it is here to address the needs of those who have terminated a pregnancy recently or anytime in the past, and now have adverse symptoms that relate to that choice.  We are not here to argue the political implications, or speak to the religious opinions of any on abortion.  Oaks Studio is about help and healing; it's about non-judgmental and empathic help for a large group of hurting individuals who may not be ready to reach out for help in a public way, but may be ready to reach out in a very private and anonymous way,  these are the people that Oaks Studio is designed to reach.  If you have stumbled across this site or blog and feel the need to publicize your opposing opinions about pro-choice versus pro-life, please do so in a different location.  This blog is created, along with my website, to be a safe place for those hurting from an abortion choice, not to try to convince anyone to change their convictions about terminating pregnancies.  Please, respect the purpose and vision of Oaks Studio and keep all of your comments on a respectful and positive level.

Oaks Studio's doors are wide open to those who are hurting, or have a loved one who is hurting, from an abortion choice.  I look forward to meeting and talking with you--Come On In and See Me.