I have prayed for as long as I can remember for God to show me what he created me to do, and how He would use my life for His glory. Then for years, I knew He wanted me to serve in the post-abortion ministry, but I struggled to know how and when and where. Believing then that I was ready, and completely prepared, He knew better.
In 2007 something awful happened in my life, and I believe it was the final step in His plan for preparing me for this very necessary work. The one thing that had been holding me back from jumping into this ministry with both feet was gone. You see I wanted to answer God's call in my life, but I didn't want my parents and extended family to know about my abortions, so I would hold back and subconsciously say, "if not for that, I could do it, but what about that?" I never had these thoughts in my conscious mind, but He knew they were there, He knows everything about us, down to how many hairs are on my head, and yours, right now. Of course, He could see that what was holding me back from answering His call was my family, so one day, they were gone. No, they didn't all die at the same time, but it was as if they did. Our family encountered a horrible evil that divided our family and put numerous people, my husband, my baby, myself and my niece, at risk. That evil sought to destroy us, and it nearly did. God knew this would be the ultimate test, and another very dark passage for me to go through; and He knew that through it all, He would carry me. At times I did not want to go on, but I had an infant to take care of; at times he was all that motivated me to get out of bed. The family that I feared judgement from had turned on me, and was responsible for this dark time; and now we cannot come back from it.
When you go through something like that, it changes who you are. You realize that if your biological family does not value you at all, then what does it matter of other people? I had spent my whole life hearing, "what would the neighbors think?" Well, now I think, "who cares what the neighbors think?" I care about pleasing God, my Father, the Creator of the Universe, and He never looks at me in shame, He has never abandoned me; and He will never fail me. If I am living in His will and my life is for Him, what do I care if people like me, get me, value me, or judge me? I used to be so very afraid, no absolutely terrified, that people would look down on me because I had two abortions, and I had to lose my family to realize it just doesn't matter anymore. What matters to me now, is using what I know, have been through, have learned through my life and the regrets that I have to help other women and men to end their struggles with the strong holds that come along with having an abortion(s). Nothing matters to me more now than answering His call in my life.
Of course, I have some fear about not "doing it right," and just different insecurities like that, but don't we all? I have to hold onto the fact that I can do all things through Him, and continue seeking His will in what to do day to day. I see doors opening before me, and prayers being answered left and right, and I KNOW He is leading me to start this new site. And just as I told the woman at the retreat center who confirmed this morning that our space is reserved for the first weekend retreat, "there is NO FEELING IN THE WORLD like knowing you are right where God wants you to be and doing exactly what He has called you and created you to be!" No feeling in the world! I am so excited to see what He has planned for us. I am so excited to be able to be a part of the ministry that He has called me to be a part of! Pray for my protection and for my family's protection and for this beautiful team of facilitators that have answered their own callings, and for our ministry and that of Rachel's Vineyard, for all who assist us, and so very importantly, the women and men that He is sending to us for the first retreat. I can't wait to meet them! May God's will be done in all things on earth as it is in heaven!
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