There are so many twists and turns in life, sometimes it's hard for me to believe that they just keep coming. For so long, I've wondered when my life would be in a calm and peaceful place. It seems that about the time I get through one storm another one is raging in the distance and I'm bowing up my shoulders to brace myself for what is to come. A friend and I were talking this week, "Sometimes I think God must think I'm a strong person, since He has promised to never give me more than I can handle," she said followed by our soft laughs. Then reality chimed in and there was a brief silence as both of us looked through the flood of images that came to mind of events and experiences that have challenged us and caused great growth, even though we would just as soon be without them--growth or not.
I often thank God for my healing following my abortions, both physically and emotionally, and I'm thankful that abortion grief is no longer a debilitater for me. There were many years that the abortions were my "storm" and my "devastation." There were times that I thought I would never come out of the depression, gloom and dark fog that surrounded me. I believed I would always be there, that I was being swallowed up by it and consumed; all the while much of me believing that if I was, it would be what I deserved to have happen to me, as atonement for my unforgivable sins. Years later, I know better, I know that dreadful time was for my grieving and was necessary to find my peace and come to terms with my past choices.
Many women that I work with in therapy are interested in knowing how they will know when they are "healed" from their abortions. Sometimes the people who attend the retreats are wondering the same thing, even feeling somewhat guilty, if they don't feel 'healed' by the end of the weekend. I've had some say, "I'm afraid to come to the retreat, what if it doesn't work and what if I'm not healed by the end?" My response is, "you'll be healed when you are healed, don't try to encapsulate it into a defined time period, because grief doesn't work that way." I encourage all people who approach me in various ways seeking the release from the pain and sorrow they feel to wait and listen and allow the process to happen in their hearts and minds and bodies. I am honest with people, I always share that they will know when they are healed because they will be able to think of their lost children and not be overcome with emotions, whether they are guilt, sorrow, longing or some other personally disturbing emotion. This is a personal process, grief always is. Abortion leads to a complicated type of grief that takes an enormous amount of time to work through, before the final stage of acceptance can be eased into with any kind of permanency. Many people are miserable and want instant relief and a quick fix, but I'm afraid the best we can do is help them cope with their symptoms as they allow this long and painful process to unfold.
Those of us who have had involuntary abortions, in the sense that we felt coerced instead of willing and ready for our choices, will have a scar for life that will never go away. What does eventually go away are the ways in which we torture ourselves as we come to terms with why and how we came to be post-abortive. The symptoms that take over and derail our lives subside as we work through the pain and grief, step by step and little by little. It is a painful process, which is why so many people divert their attention elsewhere and avoid facing the truth of the pain head on, leading to differing ways of numbing our pain through various types of addictions/distractions and poor methods of coping.
It is not easy or quick or painless, but healing is possible for those who seek it and are willing to do the emotional, mental and soul work that is necessary. A happy and fulfilling life can be ours again, even for those struggling after an abortion, but we must work through it instead of running away from it.
