To Tell or Not to Tell

When I was studying various sources during my work toward healing following my abortions, I read differing views about sharing abortions with others and whether or not it was recommended as a healing step to take.  There are various camps that see this issue from opposing viewpoints.  I have my own views about it, which were established following doing a little of all that I researched and thought was "the right way" to do it, combined with what I actually did and my experiences from it, and others' experiences that have been shared with me.

One source I read was quite convincing that the post-abortive need to confess their sins in front of others in order to be fully healed following an abortion.  Isn't that what the Bible says after all, "confess your sins one to another..?" (James 5:16) The last part of that verse is, "and pray for each other so that you may be healed."  I believe this verse applies to those of us who are post-abortive, but I believe we need to be extremely careful who we confess this sin to, because as we know, information like this is not safe in everyone's hands. I do not believe this is a blanket statement or recommendation for every person who encounters this dilemma.  I know a woman who also serves in post abortion ministry, who believed that she was expected to stand in front of her church and confess this sin to her congregation.  She was convicted, she said, to do this, and felt led by God to stand in the pulpit and make this confession publicly.  She followed what she felt was God's leading in her life, and did confess her abortion from many years prior, when she was 16 years old.  Unfortunately, as you might suspect, she was judged harshly by many of the people in her church, which led to her being rejected on a completely different level.  She was very wounded by the behaviors of some of the people there, Christian people she believed she could trust.  I also believe that sharing these experiences with others can be extremely helpful and healing, but we must scrutinize every individual with which we contemplate sharing it.  Because, there are many people who care more about judging others in an attempt to cast themselves in a more favorable light, than there are focusing on praying for healing for the person who shares this raw information.  I am sad to say it, but not everyone is worthy of such delicate and potentially harmful confessions.  Some people absolutely love to get their hands on juicy details of others' lives, so that at an opportune time, they can use it to damage another person's reputation and character.  We can easily recognize the evil root of these types of behaviors.

I have found comfort in sharing my story with a very trusted friend of many years.  I would have trusted my life with her, and at the time, I did in a very real way.  She received me with love and showered me with support to heal from the pain she could see all over my face and body.  She extended God's love in that time, and in the years since then.  I picked this friend very carefully, because I knew her heart was after God's heart and that she did not intend evil toward me or my family.  She has never experienced the devastating pain abortion can bring to one's life, but her husband has and after our conversation her eyes were opened to a whole different dimension of his person-hood.  She was able to extend love, compassion and mercy to both of us, which was very healing to each of us in our own ways.  She and her husband continue to contribute to our Oaks Studio Team's work on our site's Rachel's Vineyard Retreats in very special ways.  What a blessing they both are to us and those we serve!

My point in a nutshell is we MUST be careful who we share our experiences of abortion, and in what way we do that.  Make sure that you are confiding in a very close and trusted friend or family member.  Sharing with a therapist may be a good first person to share with, as they have no other connections in your life and can hopefully be completely objective about their counsel of you during that time.  Even with a therapist, I would recommend establishing trust and rapport with them before venturing into this very treacherous territory.  Make sure you understand their views generally regarding abortion, because it is important for them to match your views closely.   There is more to share on this subject, so I will say more in a different post soon.

Abortion's Storm

There are so many twists and turns in life, sometimes it's hard for me to believe that they just keep coming.  For so long, I've wondered when my life would be in a calm and peaceful place.  It seems that about the time I get through one storm another one is raging in the distance and I'm bowing up my shoulders to brace myself for what is to come.  A friend and I were talking this week, "Sometimes I think God must think I'm a strong person, since He has promised to never give me more than I can handle," she said followed by our soft laughs.  Then reality chimed in and there was a brief silence as both of us looked through the flood of images that came to mind of events and experiences that have challenged us and caused great growth, even though we would just as soon be without them--growth or not.

I often thank God for my healing following my abortions, both physically and emotionally, and I'm thankful that abortion grief is no longer a debilitater for me.  There were many years that the abortions were my "storm" and my "devastation."  There were times that I thought I would never come out of the depression, gloom and dark fog that surrounded me.  I believed I would always be there, that I was being swallowed up by it and consumed; all the while much of me believing that if I was, it would be what I deserved to have happen to me, as atonement for my unforgivable sins.  Years later, I know better, I know that dreadful time was for my grieving and was necessary to find my peace and come to terms with my past choices. 

Many women that I work with in therapy are interested in knowing how they will know when they are "healed" from their abortions.  Sometimes the people who attend the retreats are wondering the same thing, even feeling somewhat guilty, if they don't feel 'healed' by the end of the weekend.  I've had some say, "I'm afraid to come to the retreat, what if it doesn't work and what if I'm not healed by the end?"  My response is, "you'll be healed when you are healed, don't try to encapsulate it into a defined time period, because grief doesn't work that way."  I encourage all people who approach me in various ways seeking the release from the pain and sorrow they feel to wait and listen and allow the process to happen in their hearts and minds and bodies.  I am honest with people, I always share that they will know when they are healed because they will be able to think of their lost children and not be overcome with emotions, whether they are guilt, sorrow, longing or some other personally disturbing emotion.  This is a personal process, grief always is.  Abortion leads to a complicated type of grief that takes an enormous amount of time to work through, before the final stage of acceptance can be eased into with any kind of permanency.  Many people are miserable and want instant relief and a quick fix, but I'm afraid the best we can do is help them cope with their symptoms as they allow this long and painful process to unfold. 

Those of us who have had involuntary abortions, in the sense that we felt coerced instead of willing and ready for our choices, will have a scar for life that will never go away.  What does eventually go away are the ways in which we torture ourselves as we come to terms with why and how we came to be post-abortive.  The symptoms that take over and derail our lives subside as we work through the pain and grief, step by step and little by little.  It is a painful process, which is why so many people divert their attention elsewhere and avoid facing the truth of the pain head on, leading to differing ways of numbing our pain through various types of addictions/distractions and poor methods of coping.

It is not easy or quick or painless, but healing is possible for those who seek it and are willing to do the emotional, mental and soul work that is necessary.  A happy and fulfilling life can be ours again, even for those struggling after an abortion, but we must work through it instead of running away from it.

Forgiving Myself

The struggle of forgiving ourselves for our abortions is the greatest and toughest common denominator I see in all of my work in post-abortion healing.  We all wrestle with the feelings and thoughts of NEVER believing we deserve to forgive ourselves, and with the questions about whether or not we REALLY are forgiven by God.  I hope these words will help to clarify the path to working through this spiritual and emotional conflict, and lead you to a sense of peace and understanding.

Accepting God's forgiveness for our abortions is a decision and a choice that we make in faith.  God invites us to do this, and we must be open to receiving His grace for our sins.
     1 John 1:9 tells us, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." I believe this verse holds so many paramount truths for the post abortive world.  I believe God included the word "all" for us, because we feel our sin is greater than any other!  It is confusing to think of God being "just" yet forgiving us for this particular sin.  We think that justice for what we have done would be for us to die too.  We feel that is what we deserve after we have chosen abortion.  Clearly, that is not what God has in mind.  Jesus died on the cross, so that we all may have forgiveness and salvation.  For all sins, he died, and ALL sins are forgiven.  And not only does he forgive us, but he also purifies us of our unrighteousness.  Have you ever felt dirty because of your choice?  Have you ever felt you could never bathe yourself enough to ever was away the filth of what you have done?  I've been there, I too felt that way before; but it is a lie the accuser uses to keep us in bondage, to keep us believing we are unworthy of the grace God has extended to us every minute of every day we live.

Today, make the choice to accept God's forgiveness, even though you may not feel it.  Make the choice to accept your own forgiveness, even though you may not feel it or believe it.  Accept these gifts by faith, not sight or feeling.  Accept them to be true, because you know God is faithful.  Because you know he is just.  Because you know he is righteous.  Remember that when we can't accept his forgiveness, we cannot forgive others.  If we're not accepting grace, then grace cannot flow out of us to others.
1 John 3:20 tells us, "whenever our hearts condemn us.  For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything."  It is no doubt that our hearts will condemn us, and that the accuser will condemn us, but God is greater than our hearts and definitely greater than our adversary.  We must reaffirm each time this lie flies up in our faces and remind ourselves that we have confessed our sins and that God has forgiven us, even that we have forgiven ourselves.

Don't wait on your heart to agree with your head.  It will not happen for a long time.  Your choosing to accept the grace God gives, and further extending that grace to yourself, is a worthy choice that assures God that you believe his promises.  He has made it clear in his word that our confessed sins are forgiven and cleansed.  Every time you hear the accusing words start again in your head, say to God in the silence of your head or as loud as you want with your voice, "I have accepted your forgiveness, Lord and I thank you for helping me forgive myself.  I believe in your faithfulness.  I believe in your grace.  Thank you, Lord for purifying me today."  Believe me when I say that over time, you will have peace of mind, when it comes to accepting God's forgiveness and forgiving yourself.  I promise you, if you practice this prayer and meditation, you will feel in your heart what your head knows is best right now.  May God bless you as you accept his forgiveness and extend that grace to yourself.  

 

Thought loops

     Lots of thoughts clamor around in my head; back and forth, in and out, up and down.  Making sense of the the mumbles and whispers, and even shouts at times that make my heart pound is scary and tiring.  How many times do we think a thought before it is a dead thought, a waste of time, I sometimes wonder.  Why do I think the same things over and over again and expect to understand the answers more clearly?  Is "beating the dead horse" going to get me anywhere?  Apparently my mind thinks so, it keeps revisiting over and over the same areas and thoughts.  Psychologists, counselors and others call these thought loops.  They play over and over and become quite intrusive at times, seemingly taking away our ability to focus, concentrate and maintain our serenity.  These thought loops are sometimes productive.  Sometimes, I think they draw attention to areas we still need to keep excavating and examining for meaning and connection and purpose in the grand scheme of our lives; they are the why's, the how's, the what-if's in life.  They're like someone, whose trying to get our attention, who stands beside us pecking on our shoulder, "excuse me," they might say, "have you thought about this yet...," or "maybe it's this..."  It is endless and natural, and we can only hope, productive at times.  Productive in that they reveal to us new bits and pieces of understanding into who we are, how we arrived at our current state of being, and our unique purposes in life.

"It's My Mom's Fault"

     There is a strong correlation in today's adults between abortion and abuse in childhood and adolescence, this is a proven fact.  These days there seems to be a bit of a tug of war between one side saying, "It's my Mom's fault how I act, she did this to me," and the opposing side, "You can't blame your parents for your life, take responsibility for yourself."  I think somewhere in between these two statements lies the full and complete truth.  There is a huge difference between blame and  acknowledgement.

     How we are raised, the environment in which we develop; the rules that we hear, spoken and non-spoken all contribute to who we are.  The behaviors modeled by the adults in our lives matter and do impact who we become.  The way we are treated makes a difference.  Dysfunction effects us, and along with everything else mentioned and much more, shapes us into who we are.  The experiences we have, the memories that are created, they are all a part of us.  Nature is only part of us, the way we are nurtured has huge implications in our lives, and ultimately in our choices.

     If we take a serious look at our pasts and determine in retrospect, that we believe we were mistreated or abused, this fact is very important for individuals to acknowledge.  This type of insight and understanding is so very important to helping us realize who we are and why we are the way we are; and further, why we may make the choices we make.  This type of introspection helps us to dissect our lives and gives us a clearer understanding of our identities, and the essence of who we are.

     To acknowledge the fact that our parents, or guardians, have in some way negatively impacted our development in a major way is not the same as saying their treatment of us is the reason for every mistake we ever make.  We can fully understand the precipitating events in our lives that may have caused us to be predisposed to making certain choices, while taking full and complete responsibility for what we have done.  Is it fair to say that our parents, guardians, and others share a portion of the responsibility for how we arrive at the decisions we make?  In many cases of abuse and neglect, I would answer a resounding yes, in many cases!  Especially in regards to the decisions and choices we make in early adulthood.  Those years, when we are first launched into this sometimes cruel and unforgiving world.  If we have been raised in a stable, loving and nurturing environment, where our physical, emotional and spiritual needs are being met, we are more likely to be able to make healthy, sound and informed decisions.  On the contrary, if we have suffered abuse and our needs have not been met, our choices are drastically effected by our states of mind and development, or lack there of.

     I am all about taking responsibility for my choices and where my life is at this very moment.  I own the decisions I have made.  I also acknowledge my upbringing and the abuse I withstood impacted my life in lasting and profound ways.  I continue on in my search to make meaning of all that has happened to me, and I hope you do the same.  Recognizing our histories is natural and necessary in our quest to fully understanding ourselves and developing into our highest and best selves.