Episode 2 of Surrender the Secret

   

    
     Yesterday, on Surrender the Secret, the ladies from the group shared their stories, with the exception of Vanessa.  This episode was so powerful to watch, and so heart wrenching at the same time.  Sharing the stories of our past abortions is one of the hardest things to do in our lives, and there is no way to go into that story without dredging up images, memories, and emotional pain.  Healing does not erase these components of a past abortion, it only makes it easier to bear, what we once thought was unbearable.  In our healing retreats, sharing our stories is equally hard as it was for the women in the group on this show, so beautifully put together by Knock TV.  But, the sharing brings cohesion and unity to what may be an extremely varied group, along with building trust that is absolutely essential in any healing setting.

     I was thrilled as I watched to see no condemnation or judgment within the group as stories were shared, this will mean that trust can develop and that each woman will feel freer to share what her innermost thoughts and emotions are moving forward.  I must underscore the importance that any time we discuss our abortions, or share of this personal information, we must do so in a SAFE ENVIRONMENT, as you witnessed in this episode.  A safe environment isn't one where people stroke our egos and tell us it's okay that we had abortions, it is a place where all of our shortcomings and mistakes can be brought into the light without someone running in to judge us or tell us how awful we are.  No one in this group denies that abortion was wrong, in the results for their children or for themselves and their relationships; and if you listen closely, you can hear the language that each woman uses to describe her regret and struggle with self acceptance due to her former choice.  Especially, in the early stages of a woman's healing journey, we must be so careful about sharing these intimate details with others; as we may unknowingly open ourselves up for further emotional damage.  I hope that as time goes on, many more can come to participate in this type of safe environment in which to grow and heal, by attending one of our post-abortion healing retreats.

     I am so thankful for the courage that Kelly had in sharing her story of having had two abortions.  She is speaking for so many women, myself included, when she shares of her second abortion, and how equally painful, if not more so it was for her.  Some people, even women who have had one abortion, sometimes have a difficult time understanding how a woman could make the choice to abort multiple times.  The fact that a person has more than one abortion speaks to the emotional trauma that that person has endured in their lifetime.  It often follows a lifetime of abuse in many cases, and indicates many times a chronically dysfunctional relationship with ones mother.  A person who chooses abortion more than once has a deep seeded psychological need to recreate the trauma she has come to know in her life; to generate the defamation of her own character to make her circumstances fit what is her "norm" again, and this may happen over and over and over again, until some catalyst changes or interrupts this cycle.  It is extremely difficult to stop abusing yourself, when that is what you have been lead to believe you are worth in this world.  Words and ideas like self-love and self-respect and self-care are non-existent in the lives of the abused.  Further, if you've never been allowed to feel your feelings, or to express them, or even how to identify what they are, when faced with a crisis pregnancy, there is no way you can think through and predict the consequences of your actions or your possible thoughts and feelings after having an abortion.  There is very little hope that a woman in this situation would be able to make a wise, careful and informed decision; which makes her extremely susceptible to having more than one abortion, and making many, many relationally poor decisions.

     I hope that many will gain understanding, as they watch these episodes in the future, that there is so much more to the picture, than just the abortion(s).  I hope that many will see that abortion is just one of the symptoms women exhibit from past pain in their lives.  Abortion is pain made manifest.  Pain that ironically produces even more pain and tragedy in the lives of the many who choose it.  Please continue watching with me, HERE,  as we watch the journeys of these five, strong women in the next several weeks, with Episode 3 airing online on February 5th, 2013.  And if you are interested, we have another retreat coming up soon, on March 15th-17th, 2013, and we still have slots open for it.  Call me now to register @ 828-919-8020.

Roe v. Wade Anniversary/Surrendering The Secret Episode 1

     It's been forty years, since the landmark case of Roe v. Wade decided that abortion is legal.  Forty years.  It is estimated that 43% of women of childbearing years have experienced at least one abortion.  This is an astronomical number of losses, totaling more lives lost than all of the world's wars put together.  My heart aches to think of the children lost and the mothers and fathers whose lives are never the same after abortion touches them.  It truly is heart-wrenching, this "right" that we have to "choose."

     I wish that somehow, the people who fight so vehemently for the right to choose could walk one day in the shoes of the post-abortive woman or man who lives with a huge and undeniable void in their lives because of a past choice to abort one or more of their children.  I wish they could understand from the perspective of the woman suffering Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, or Post Abortion Syndrome how damaging psychologically the actual procedure in itself is, and how it changes who you are forever going forward in your life.  The ironic reality is that so many that make this choice don't even feel that they have a choice, but that abortion is their only choice and the only way, seeing at the time, no other possible solution.  And then once they do this awful thing that they don't want to do in the first place, there is NO coming back from it.  When they leave that clinic or Dr's office, their lives as they knew them are over.

``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
    
     I watched with great anticipation the first episode of Surrendering the Secret on Knock TV last night.  I was filled with a thankfulness the entire show for the willingness of some to broadcast the truth about abortion and its aftermath; and even more importantly the forgiveness, healing and peace that comes from our Lord, if we seek Him with all of our hearts.  I am proud as a Christian to watch this exceptionally made show, knowing that in doing so our voices are being heard and growing stronger.  I am so thankful for this effort, and I commend the team at Knock TV for producing this in such a timely way! 

      As a therapist, I have sat in a circle of people just like the one on this show more times than I can count; and every single time, be it a group I am part of, or something I participate in as an observer, I am touched by the individual and unique humanity of us.  I thoroughly enjoyed watching this episode, as I could almost feel what the women were feeling as they entered into these scary and unchartered waters.  I am so impressed with their willingness to share, knowing their deepest feelings will be exposed to any and all who watch this show.  I am thankful, as a Christian and as a post-abortive woman myself, for the voice that is given here to the pain of abortion and to the mercy and healing that is available for us to receive from our precious Savior and Creator.  I am so appreciative for the individuals that care enough to put this show together, and amazed at how far we are coming in our ability to reach out to others all over the world with the truth about abortion and its devastation.  Thank God for Knock TV, and I will continue to pray for each and every participant who works to make this show possible. 

     My most paramount prayer is that abortion will end.  I pray that women and men will come to understand the horrors that result in this choice.  I pray that our young women will know the lies that trapped so many of us older women into having abortions are just that--lies that our enemy uses to lure us into a place of captivity, so that our lives can be negatively impacted, so that our joy can be robbed, so that our purposes will not be fulfilled in this world.  We must do our best to educate our young girls and boys about the possible pitfalls before them, so that the generations ahead of us will not be impacted in this horrific way.  It is our responsibility to expose the lies that cover and hide the truth from our young people.

     I hope you will join me in watching the rest of the episodes in this season of Surrendering the Secret.  The journey with these courageous women will be deeply touching, and a wonderful learning opportunity for those of us who have "been there." Next week in Episode 2, they will be sharing their stories, perhaps the most difficult part of the study.  You may watch it HERE.  I pray that as you watch, if you too are hurting from abortion, that you would reach out and begin your own healing journey.  That may be through doing the Surrender the Secret Bible study on your own, it may mean beginning therapy, it may mean attending a retreat, it may mean simply talking with a trusted friend or relative about your secret pain.  Whatever your need is, whatever your decided next step may be, I pray that you seek God in helping you and guiding you forward; because aside from Him, there is no real healing, of that I am certain.  I will pray for you as you take the next step that is right for you.  May God bless you.

God Will Take Care Of You

     As I do every new year, as I'm sure you do too, I ordered a new calendar to hang on the board above my desk last week.  I wanted something uplifting and empowering, with lovely art work to look at for inspiration also.  When I opened the calendar and looked at the picture and poem for January, I knew I had ordered just the right one for me.  Now, I can't stop reading the perfectly written words that hang peacefully there; and I want to share them with you, in hopes that you also may be uplifted by them.  They are written by Linda E. Knight, and are based on the scripture of Hebrews 13:5, "For He has said, I will never leave you or forsake you."  Which happened to have been extremely powerful and meaningful words for me during a dark time in my life, perhaps that is why this strikes such a deep chord within me.

May your heart 

find peace and comfort

in the knowledge

 that you are never alone.

May God's presence ease 

your spirit and give you rest.

He knows how you feel.

He is ever aware of your circumstances 

and ready to be your strength, 

your grace, and your peace.

He is there to cast sunlight

into all your darkened shadows,

to send encouragement through the love

of friends and family, and 

to replace your weariness with new hope.

God is your stronghold,

and with Him as your guide,

you need never be afraid.

No circumstances can block His love.

No grief is too hard for Him to bear.

No task is too difficult

for Him to complete.

When what you are feeling 

is simply too deep for words

and nothing anyone does or says

can provide you with the relief you need,

God understands.

He is your provider--

today, tomorrow, and always.

And He loves you.

Cast all your cares on Him...

and believe. 

(Taken outside the chapel at my retreat.)

      

Aren't these words beautiful?  Don't they speak so sweetly to the post-abortive heart?  I love the line, "When what you are feeling is simply too deep for words and nothing anyone does or says can provide you with the relief you need, God understands."   I believe this is my favorite part of the poem.  It is true, there are times and moments when no one can help, except God.  But, what if we've shut Him out?  Where is the hope then?  The answer is there isn't any hope without Him.  None.  But, hope may return, if only we open the door again, and let Him in.  He will listen, He is present always, but He will NOT knock the door down and barge in, we must invite Him.  The choice is ours.  The choice is yours.

The World Has Changed

     I was listening to a radio station this afternoon, while cleaning up the dishes that I didn't get to yesterday evening, and heard the announcer talking about a couple of musicians that are dating and have just found their dream villa to live in; and then the female announcer finished by saying, "maybe there will be a baby nursery in there somewhere...first the baby, and then a marriage maybe?"  She made this statement with no negative connotation or inflection in her voice, and it gave me pause.
     I thought about how much things have changed since 1997, when I felt inadvertently coerced into my second abortion.  Huge determining factors in my second abortion decision were disappointing my parents, and making my mother angry, along with being judged by my peers and my students, as well as the church.  I was raised in a strict home and taught that getting pregnant outside marriage was an extreme "no-no."  It was about the worst thing a young woman could do to her family, and of course, there was the ever present, "What would the neighbors think, if they found out!"  In other words, my eyes and mind were on everyone else basically, EXCEPT me and God, when that relationship was the most important concern I should have had.
     So, what am I saying?  Am I saying that I think we should tell young woman to do whatever feels good, and if they get pregnant outside marriage it's fine and not a problem?  No, not at all.  What I propose we do is start at the very beginning, in raising and nurturing our girls to be strong, confident and smart young women, so that when they step out into the world, they are secure in themselves, in their bodies, and most importantly in their faith and relationships with God.  
     I suggest we teach our daughters, sisters, and nieces that they are valuable beyond measure and that the reason they should abstain from sex before marriage is that they will be happier, healthier and safer in every aspect of their lives, if they do.  That they don't have to use their bodies to give or receive love or feel desirable and worthy, that if they will stay by His side, Jesus will guide them each and every step of the way, showing them their worth and goodness, with zero negative side effects. 
     I hope we can educate our girls about the lie of the media, yes, I said the lie, that many of us moms buy into as well; the one about the TV girls/women, the ones that have to be a certain size, or have a certain look, or hair, or clothes or zip code, and on and on it goes.  Our message to those females that we care about, and males too for that matter, needs to be that we are all unique individuals created in God's own image; and we need to look no further than Him to find out who we "should" look like and be.
     I pray we teach them NOT TO EVER DO ANYTHING THAT IS AGAINST THEIR OWN MORAL CODE IN LIFE TO PLEASE ANYONE ELSE, NO MATTER HOW IMPORTANT THOSE PEOPLE ARE IN THEIR LIVES.  To do this, which is what I did with my parents (especially my mother) in my second abortion decision, goes against God in a powerful and mighty way; and I firmly believe God takes this very seriously and that the relationship we put in front of our relationship with Him will suffer tremendously for it.
     The most important thing that we can do as parents, aunts and uncles, and sisters and brothers for our young people is to instill in them the need for a close and personal relationship with our creator.  I'm not talking about Church or Sunday School, although those definitely have their place, but most importantly I'm talking about a real, tangible, intimate friendship that is strengthened and nurtured through prayer and praise and worship on an very personal and private level.  You see, I'm convinced that what really matters in our lives is the time we invest seeking our Lord with all of our hearts, in quite times of contemplation and really LISTENING to what He has to say to us.  Times of shutting out the noises are so important!  Instead of praying and talking about what we want, we need to say, "here I am, Lord, listening for your voice..." and then just waiting to see what He says and believing in faith in what is being spoken to our hearts and minds.
     Lord, I pray that our girls will face the world with one thing, and one thing only on their minds, and that is pleasing you and seeking you; because I know one of the most important secrets a girl could ever know in life, for a fact.  I know that if we seek You, and listen to You, and follow You when we're 16, 19, 23, 27 and on and on, and never part from You, then when we get to be that 40 something year old woman in the mirror looking back at us, we can say, "I don't have any regrets about the life I've lived. I've sought God's will in every choice, and prayerfully did my very best, and I hope beyond words that I have pleased Him."  SEEK***LISTEN***FOLLOW: this is Your winning formula.
     Boy, I know my life would be different in several ways, if I had known this secret 20 some years ago.  I wish I could have gone into the world knowing I was worthy, not because of who I am, but because I had Jesus in my heart.  I wish I'd known that although I'd been abused and beaten down, that God didn't want that for me, that I didn't need to go out and find that, or recreate that again just to feel normal, but that I deserved better.  I wish I'd known what to ask God for in those days moving forward toward the exit signs down east.  And most of all I wish I'd never looked away from Him, because as I look back now, it's during those times that I sure did make a mess of things in my life.  And those times have had repercussions that have/will last a lifetime.
    

Christmas and New Year

     Another holiday season has come and gone now, and we are looking wide eyed into the new year to see what will unfold.  This is an exciting time of year, full of possibilities and potential, and I hope that all will go the way you choose for it to go in the coming year.
     It is normal as a post-abortive individual to experience some sadness about your loss during the holidays, whether you consider yourself "healed" or not.  Those of us who have chosen abortion in our past will always feel the presence of a void in our lives, because there is a physically absent person in our lives.  There is an ungive-able gift under our trees so to speak, there is an unfill-able chair at our tables, and an unfill-able storehouse of memories that we cannot create with those we have lost. 
     So, with my mind thinking of those who have lost children to abortion, I offer this post as a place to honor those children, a memorial of sorts to those who have gone before us.  And just as this new year holds potential, I pray that you will see and feel the potential of your reunification one day with your child(ren) in spirit and body in heaven, where we will know them for an eternity.  It is possible to establish a spiritual bond with our children while we are still living here on this earth, and they are residing in heaven.  This is one of the crucial steps addressed in our Rachel's Vineyard retreats.  This connection brings me immense comfort during times like the holidays, because I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that my children are alive in heaven and waiting for me.  God has revealed them to me, their names and their sexes and the very essences of them.  This revelation is such an enormous comfort to me, and can be to you as well!
     My heart goes out to you during this time, if you are experiencing emotional pain from the loss of a child to abortion.  Please, know you are not alone, and there is no need for you to suffer in silence and solitude.  Call 828-919-8020 to begin working on a path to healing through therapy and/or a weekend retreat.  Our next retreat is scheduled for March 15-17th 2013, and we still have room for you; call us with any questions you may have about our services and the upcoming retreat.