A Poem I Wrote in 2003

     I was looking through some old books trying to find some contact information of old friends through the Pregnancy Care Center and found an old poem that I wrote when I was involved in a "Her Choice To Heal" Recovery Group, and thought that I would share it with you.  As I read over it, I thought it was very poignant and descriptive of the journey from abortion, through grief, and finally (thankfully) to healing.

My Path

Afraid, Alone, Abandoned

Trapped, Desperate, Unsure

Confused, Convinced, Resolved

Scared, Absurd, Hysterical

Relieved, Ashamed, Guilty

Denial, Numb, Rationalized

Demoralized, Angry, Vindictive

Self-Hate, Dehumanized, Exposed,

Painful, Depressed, Lonely

Sad, Guilt-Ridden, Overwhelmed

Overcome, Emotional, Explosive

Repentive, Hopeless, Powerless

Accused, Chastised, Mocked

Mercy, Hope, Forgiveness

Realization, Understanding, Self-Discovery

Purpose, Meaning, Goal-Oriented

Liberation, Freedom, Healing

By: Kim Ollis

Sept. 2003

How I Forgave Myself

     As I was saying in my last post, forgiving myself was absolutely the hardest part in recovering from my two abortions.  Even with having been a Christian since I was a small child, and having complete faith in God's forgiveness, still for years I struggled with forgiving myself for taking the lives of two of my children.  I believed God had forgiven me, the moment I spoke, "oh, Lord, my God, please forgive me for what I have done!"  I FELT His forgiveness inside my heart and mind, but I was still there judging and condemning myself, and I felt that I did not deserve the forgiveness God had given me.  I felt that I should suffer for the rest of my life for what I had done.  I figured God could forgive me, because, well, He is God; but I felt I could NEVER forgive myself.

     I remember well asking for forgiveness over and over, even though I felt the assurance that God had forgiven me, and I knew He was helping me and healing me a little every time I spoke with Him in prayer; until finally I felt in my heart that I was annoying God.  I can FEEL God speak to me at times, it is not a voice, it is more of a feeling and a phrase or thought simultaneously inside my heart and head; that's how I know it is Him.  And one day I felt that He was saying, "Kim, I've already forgiven you for that...it's YOU who has to forgive YOU now, not me."  You know, it was that short and to the point.  I love the way God speaks to us, it's just the truth, straight to the point with no fluff needed.  I remember thinking out loud, "I know I do, but I can't."  So, in that moment I was able to acknowledge that I needed to forgive myself and I knew that, but I didn't feel that I could because I felt I needed to punish myself for what I had done.  I felt that what I had done was so dirty, and so bad and so condemnable that I could never forgive myself for it, so I was stuck.  I was stuck between feeling that I needed to forgive myself, but not knowing how to do it, and not being willing to do it.

     One day, as I was thinking about this dilemma and praying about it, it occurred to me that I was holding myself to a standard higher than God's standard, and I thought, "who do I think I am?"  "do I really think that I have a higher standard than God has?"  "If He will forgive me, what makes me think I shouldn't do the same for myself?"  and "if I feel like I don't know how, I need to ask Him how, and I believe He will show me how."  And this series of thoughts started a prayer inside me that went like this:

     "Dear Lord, I don't know how to forgive myself for what I have done.  I know You have forgiven me, and that You desire joy and peace for me, not condemnation.  Help me, Lord, to find the way to forgiving myself for my abortions.  Show me how I can go about doing this, because I've come to believe that NOT forgiving myself is sinning against You, and that is the LAST thing that I ever want to do again.  Please, Lord, honor my prayer and give me the answers that my heart longs to hear."  And guess what?  He answered my prayer.  He told me to begin by making the decision to forgive myself, to say aloud, "Right now, in the name of the Lord, Jesus Christ, I decide to forgive myself for my two abortions, and will no longer hate myself for what I have done."  

     Now, this was the beginning, I didn't feel instantly better.  I wish I could say that I heard trumpets and felt a flash go through me and suddenly I was free from guilt and self hate, and full of forgiveness for myself and all of my sins.  It did not happen like that.  At first, I felt like I was telling a lie, because in my heart I knew it wasn't true.  In my heart, I knew that I didn't forgive myself, even though, I had just made the decision to do it; and even though I may want to in order to not sin against God.  He knew instantly my thoughts and feelings, and then whispered, "keep saying this day after day, and it will come to pass.  One day your heart will feel what your head knows is best.  Making the decision is the first step, trust in Me and I will help you do this."  And that is exactly what I did.  

     Every single time I had a self loathing thought I reminded myself that I had made the decision to forgive myself and that God was helping me to accept that forgiveness and to believe it, and that I trusted God to do what He said He would do.  Fear was the number one weapon that the enemy used to convince me that abortion was the only option, and self condemnation was the most powerful one evil used to keep me bound in shame and guilt.  It was deeply rooted, deeply from my childhood, and carried into my adulthood, guilt, guilt, guilt...it had been used to parent me and control me all of my life, and after I grew up, I used it on myself.  I was so used to feeling guilty, whether I had anything to feel guilty about or not, did not seem to matter.  I realized I was a guilt magnet, and that it was time to strip that guilt away.  I knew it was time to let my heart fill up with the love and forgiveness for myself that God had so easily lavished on me from the moment I first whispered my prayer of repentance.  

     We must follow His leading, and even when we don't know how, if we seek Him with all our hearts, we WILL find Him.  He promises that in Jeremiah 29:13, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and bring you back from captivity..."  Friend, He is faithful, and He is just.  If He forgives you,  and I know He does, then THROUGH Him you can forgive you.  I promise!!  Every time you feel guilt after you have forgiven yourself, remind yourself in as stern a voice as you can muster, "I have forgiven myself for that, because God has forgiven me," and tell Him "Thank you," and then let it go.  Recognize this to be the enemy trying his best to get you back in that cage called guilt, but you don't have to go, you know better now, you're stronger now, you can, through God, do ALL things!!!

I Feel Blessed

     I really do feel blessed!  I am excited to see God working in my life and ministry.  It's still unreal to me that I am doing this, this being sharing my story with the world, when just a few years ago I was still stuck in the place of wanting to keep my abortions a secret, to take it with me to my grave, so to speak; and now, I am choosing to share it to help others.  The expression, "you've come a long way, Baby," seems to be appropriate here.  I can only say that is with no credit of mine, God is good in so many ways!!

    For so long I heard His whispers in my heart, and for so long I felt "stuck between a rock and a hard place."  The rock being, my desire to keep my secrets for fear of rejection and judgement from others, and the hard place being my strong desire to share myself and my experiences in order to minister to others in the painful places that I have been.  And of course, every time I heard the whispers, I knew inside me that I couldn't do both forever.  I knew that one day, I would have to be willing to die to myself in order to fulfill His purpose for my life here on this earth.  Sometimes I look at my life, the way that I love babies, and respect human life, and those things have always been true about me, and I wonder how in the world did I get here to this place?  How did I get to be the woman who has had two abortions?  It wasn't okay with me either time.  Terminating my pregnancies was never what I wanted to do either time.  Neither one of my children were ever "blobs of tissue" in my eyes; sometimes that's what makes me think it took a decade for me to ever heal those wounds and reconcile with myself after I had done this.  I didn't believe in it, I just thought I had no choice and had to do it.  As I said, it wasn't what I wanted to do, and I wonder how many other women feel that way.  I've already met many in my work, and I'll bet I'll meet many, many more in the future.

     I am so thankful that God's forgiveness is real, and for every one, no matter how badly we mess things up.  I don't believe He punishes us for our sins, if we confess them and turn away from them (don't keep doing them over and over with no real intention of stopping).  I believe he forgives us and forgets what we've done.  The Bible says in Jeremiah 31:34, that when God forgives us, He “remembers our sins no more."  He doesn't bring them up, or throw them up in our faces, as we do to each other so much of the time as humans.  He leaves it at the cross where it belongs, and we need to figure out how to follow His example in doing that.  No matter how much it hurts us, what was done was done.  You don't get over the loss of your child through abortion, rather, you work through that loss and come to a place of healing that will allow you to cope with the reality of what has happened and still live your life in a peace that only He can provide or could ever comprehend.  Don't put pressure on yourself to forgive yourself if you can't feel it yet, for me it was the hardest part...I think I'll write about that in the next post.

My Mentor Said Yes!

The person I asked to be my mentor for the new interdenominational site said, "yes!"  She prayed diligently, as did I, and she felt lead by God, as did I, to be my mentor for the first time at the new site for a Rachel's Vineyard Interdenominational Retreat!!!  I am thrilled, excited, exhilarated, and empowered!  I feel completely blessed and so thankful to know that God is blessing Oaks Studio and the work I'm doing here, and through this new site, I pray that many men and women will be healed from the devastating pain abortion can cause!!!

The location we have chosen is absolutely breathtaking and perfect for a retreat!  It is nestled in the mountains of Western North Carolina in Hiddenite, with a fabulous view of the mountains, and tons of privacy!  There is a walking trail that goes around a pasture that has horses and alpaca in it.  The beautiful retreat center is in an old farm estate has been completely remodeled from the ground up and has the most beautiful, weathered shabby chic feel to it, think white cotton curtains blowing in the breeze and soft, quilts and sheets in every room, and rocking chairs on the front poarch.  Each room has it's own private bath, and there are bathrooms in the common areas of the center as well.  We will have someone there preparing the food while we meet, but other than that, we will have the entire center to ourselves...you won't have to fear being seen or "bumping into" someone you know.  It is a very safe, and welcoming and homey place to be, stay and heal.  Outside there are lots of areas for quite contemplation, and time alone.  If you'd like to check out the retreat center where we will have the site, you may do so here.  We will have particulars on the price for the weekend soon, as we need to figure out the cost of food and so forth, but it will be reasonable, and immensely worth it!  We are offering scholarships for the weekends as well for those who want to come for healing, but have not the means to do so...call us, we'll work something out.  I hope you'll check it out, if you have any questions whatsoever, please don't hesitate to call, 828.919.8020; if I don't answer, I will return your call as soon as I possibly can.  Please, pray about this, and if you feel God leading you to call, we're here for you!  Talk to you soon!

Good News About the Rachel's Vineyard Interdenominational Site

Thankfully, I received some positive news from the Rachel's Vineyard Team, and it seems that if I will agree to a mentor for my first retreat, I am on board to start a new interdenominational site.  Yay!!!!  It's been quite a wait, and I was honestly getting concerned...but all the while trusting that in His perfect time all things will come to pass.  I am beyond excited, and of course, I WANT a mentor there the first time.  I've already contacted my choice, in fact I had contacted her already before I heard back about my application.  She is going to get back to me about it.  I chose the person that was the site leader for my retreat.  She had been the leader for 14 years I believe, so I know she is very experienced and will be invaluable in helping get the new site running well.
I am so thrilled to be getting another step closer to answering this call in my life.  I cannot emphasize enough how strong my desire is to help others who are hurting from abortion!  This is such a silent epidemic and so many women and men are suffering daily as they try to make sense of their lives without their child/ren in them.  I want so much to share the healing that I've worked so hard to find for myself with others.  I hope to help others to know what I feel I've had to work so hard to figure out mostly for myself.  I was so afraid for so long, there is no way I would reach out for help, for fear that someone would "find out."  My absolute worst fear was ANYONE finding out about these choices, I would truly at the time almost rather die than have someone know, at least that's how I felt.  It has taken me a long time to get to a place of willingness to answer this call.  Don't get me wrong, I don't tell everyone I see, and I don't believe we have to share everything we've done wrong with everyone we meet.  It's just that now, I know I will be able to share with others what I've done, in the hopes of helping them to find forgiveness for themselves and accept God's forgiveness as well.  I would also hope to use my experiences to help other young women to know not to make the same choices that I did, to prevent abortions before they happen, along with helping the post-abortive find healing.  I believe this is my primary purpose here, and I want more than anything else in this world to do what God has gifted and created me to do!
I sincerely hope that if you've had an abortion and would like help in finding healing, that you attend a Rachel's Vineyard retreat in your area, they are worldwide, and though this is a Catholic organization, you do NOT have to be Catholic to go, and now there are more and more interdenominational sites that are opening, just like the one I'm planning to start now.  I don't see how you could ever regret going to one of these retreats!  I firmly believe with everything in me that they are God breathed!!!  I am so thankful that Theresa Burke followed God's call in her life to write the books and retreat manuals that she has.  May God richly bless her and her husband, Kevin, and their beautiful family, and may God bless you as well.