Today I have a strong feeling someone out there needs to know there is hope for healing. There is, I promise, I have experienced healing from my abortions. There is nothing special about me, if I can receive this gift, so can you. It took many years and much work for my healing, but I experience it each and every day. Notice I used the present tense "experience" (my English teacher, Mrs. Moss would be so proud,) because the healing is ongoing. It is a process, involving many intricate turns and jumps and tangents. I remember doubting I would ever get there, believing I would NEVER forgive myself and would carry that burden until I died. I fully believed it was what I deserved, and I know many of you have that same conviction. Even after my retreat, though it was the icing on the cake for me, I remember the doubts that would creep into my mind. Thoughts like, "you're never really going to be healed from this," "you know you don't deserve to live, let alone heal and be happy," "how could you ever hope to heal after what you've done," "healing is just a word, it doesn't really mean anything, you're not like other people who heal, that's not going to happen for you." Have you had these thoughts too, or similar ones? It's all part of the process. Here is what I learned to do in those instances, though I really didn't fully realize I was doing this and it was helping me, until down the road, when I realized it and understood how powerful it was! I believe that was God's grace working through the Holy Spirit in me, as my intercessor, asking for those things I needed, but didn't know how to ask for. In those instances of extreme doubt, I simply repeated what I knew to myself to be true and what I believed God had done in my life. I repeated the truth over and over until I completely accepted it, and fully received it.
You see, it's a bit like the acceptance of our Lord as Savior, which brings back a memory of me as a young girl inviting Jesus into my heart. My parents took me to church week after week at the age of six, and I came home in tears several Sundays in a row, as I felt a strong conviction that Jesus wanted to be my Savior. My parents being concerned and not knowing what to say to me, took me to talk to our church pastor at that time. I remember him asking me a series of questions in his office and demonstrating to me that if I wanted to accept Jesus into my heart and be saved, all I had to do was accept what He was offering to me. To demonstrate this concept, he pulled out a quarter from his pocket and held it out to me. He had given me a concrete example of Jesus offering Himself to me as my Savior. Our pastor then leaned in, after showing me the shiny quarter in his hand and asked, "now, Kim, what do you need to do to accept this quarter as your own?" With wide eyes and a racing heart, I responded, "I just need to get it and hold on to it." When these words burst, full and plump, out of my mouth, a big grin spread across this sweet man's face as he almost shouted, "Yes!" With pride, I remember taking that quarter and hanging on every word as I overheard him explain to my parents that I was indeed saved, and did indeed understand what I was saying and doing at my young age. This is choice I have never regretted, and now with every part of me that my faith has saved me in many ways through the years.
When I had doubts about my healing, I would repeat to myself, sometimes aloud, "I know God has forgiven me and I have forgiven myself, and one day I will feel fully healed." I would thank God for his healing that I trusted to come to me in His time. This is the general message I wanted to feel, so I repeated it in varying ways over and over, even in times of feeling desperate and broken.
You cannot force your healing to come. I believe it takes just as long as it takes for you, and not a minute more. I believe it comes in different ways and at different times for each of us. I also believe, as I have said, it is an ongoing process that will not fully be completed until we are reunited with our lost babies in heaven. When I tell you I'm healed, that means I no longer beat myself up for what I've done. I have accepted that my abortions are a part of my history. They are definitely not choices I am proud of, or would ever recommend for others; and accepting that they are part of me, does not make the choices right. Someone once said to me, "I will never accept my abortions, because accepting that them means I'm okay with what I did, and I never will be okay with it." I understand her point of view, but I disagree that acceptance of it means I think it's okay. I accept they are part of my past and choices I've made, and I accept that God's grace covers even these sins, that in no way means I think they are "okay or right." Being healed means I don't cry all the time about my abortions, or freak out when I see someone pregnant, or feel uncomfortable when someone says the word abortion. It means on Mother's Day, I don't cry anymore that my children are not with me, but celebrate their loving existence in heaven with our Heavenly Father, and look forward to seeing them again in my future. It means I don't loathe myself and hate myself for the choices I've made. It means I don't live in fear of others' rejection and judgment should they ever discover abortion is part of my history. Being healed means living with a greater sense of peace and a purity of joy inside my heart that is indescribable. It means a deep and lasting closeness with my Savior, leaving me continuously amazed at how present He is in my life, no matter where I am. He is present with you too, and He wants nothing more than for you to feel whole again. Healing has nothing to do with what we deserve, and it has everything to do with His grace to overcome any and all sins.
May God bless you with His healing in your heart and mind and body, wherever you are right now! Please, believe He is calling you to a place of comfort and hope, and wants to accompany you on a journey to a quiet place of peace, rest and healing in your life. Continue to pray and seek His face, asking for insights that bring his divine mercy and balm of Gilead, believing that you will be healed fully and completely one day. He is faithful and will answer you always.
