Today I have a strong feeling someone out there needs to know there is hope for healing. There is, I promise, I have experienced healing from my abortions. There is nothing special about me, if I can receive this gift, so can you. It took many years and much work for my healing, but I experience it each and every day. Notice I used the present tense "experience" (my English teacher, Mrs. Moss would be so proud,) because the healing is ongoing. It is a process, involving many intricate turns and jumps and tangents. I remember doubting I would ever get there, believing I would NEVER forgive myself and would carry that burden until I died. I fully believed it was what I deserved, and I know many of you have that same conviction. Even after my retreat, though it was the icing on the cake for me, I remember the doubts that would creep into my mind. Thoughts like, "you're never really going to be healed from this," "you know you don't deserve to live, let alone heal and be happy," "how could you ever hope to heal after what you've done," "healing is just a word, it doesn't really mean anything, you're not like other people who heal, that's not going to happen for you." Have you had these thoughts too, or similar ones? It's all part of the process. Here is what I learned to do in those instances, though I really didn't fully realize I was doing this and it was helping me, until down the road, when I realized it and understood how powerful it was! I believe that was God's grace working through the Holy Spirit in me, as my intercessor, asking for those things I needed, but didn't know how to ask for. In those instances of extreme doubt, I simply repeated what I knew to myself to be true and what I believed God had done in my life. I repeated the truth over and over until I completely accepted it, and fully received it.
You see, it's a bit like the acceptance of our Lord as Savior, which brings back a memory of me as a young girl inviting Jesus into my heart. My parents took me to church week after week at the age of six, and I came home in tears several Sundays in a row, as I felt a strong conviction that Jesus wanted to be my Savior. My parents being concerned and not knowing what to say to me, took me to talk to our church pastor at that time. I remember him asking me a series of questions in his office and demonstrating to me that if I wanted to accept Jesus into my heart and be saved, all I had to do was accept what He was offering to me. To demonstrate this concept, he pulled out a quarter from his pocket and held it out to me. He had given me a concrete example of Jesus offering Himself to me as my Savior. Our pastor then leaned in, after showing me the shiny quarter in his hand and asked, "now, Kim, what do you need to do to accept this quarter as your own?" With wide eyes and a racing heart, I responded, "I just need to get it and hold on to it." When these words burst, full and plump, out of my mouth, a big grin spread across this sweet man's face as he almost shouted, "Yes!" With pride, I remember taking that quarter and hanging on every word as I overheard him explain to my parents that I was indeed saved, and did indeed understand what I was saying and doing at my young age. This is choice I have never regretted, and now with every part of me that my faith has saved me in many ways through the years.
When I had doubts about my healing, I would repeat to myself, sometimes aloud, "I know God has forgiven me and I have forgiven myself, and one day I will feel fully healed." I would thank God for his healing that I trusted to come to me in His time. This is the general message I wanted to feel, so I repeated it in varying ways over and over, even in times of feeling desperate and broken.
You cannot force your healing to come. I believe it takes just as long as it takes for you, and not a minute more. I believe it comes in different ways and at different times for each of us. I also believe, as I have said, it is an ongoing process that will not fully be completed until we are reunited with our lost babies in heaven. When I tell you I'm healed, that means I no longer beat myself up for what I've done. I have accepted that my abortions are a part of my history. They are definitely not choices I am proud of, or would ever recommend for others; and accepting that they are part of me, does not make the choices right. Someone once said to me, "I will never accept my abortions, because accepting that them means I'm okay with what I did, and I never will be okay with it." I understand her point of view, but I disagree that acceptance of it means I think it's okay. I accept they are part of my past and choices I've made, and I accept that God's grace covers even these sins, that in no way means I think they are "okay or right." Being healed means I don't cry all the time about my abortions, or freak out when I see someone pregnant, or feel uncomfortable when someone says the word abortion. It means on Mother's Day, I don't cry anymore that my children are not with me, but celebrate their loving existence in heaven with our Heavenly Father, and look forward to seeing them again in my future. It means I don't loathe myself and hate myself for the choices I've made. It means I don't live in fear of others' rejection and judgment should they ever discover abortion is part of my history. Being healed means living with a greater sense of peace and a purity of joy inside my heart that is indescribable. It means a deep and lasting closeness with my Savior, leaving me continuously amazed at how present He is in my life, no matter where I am. He is present with you too, and He wants nothing more than for you to feel whole again. Healing has nothing to do with what we deserve, and it has everything to do with His grace to overcome any and all sins.
May God bless you with His healing in your heart and mind and body, wherever you are right now! Please, believe He is calling you to a place of comfort and hope, and wants to accompany you on a journey to a quiet place of peace, rest and healing in your life. Continue to pray and seek His face, asking for insights that bring his divine mercy and balm of Gilead, believing that you will be healed fully and completely one day. He is faithful and will answer you always.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Coercion Has A Major Role In Many Abortions
I remember one retreat participant one time was describing her history and experiences with having two abortions. She described that both times her boyfriend then, now ex-husband, had wanted her to have an abortion, but she didn't want to. The first time she said, she went along with him and had the abortion, not realizing the impact it would have on her life at the time. She said she blocked out and denied the fact that it was a big deal to her until years later (sounds familiar). The second time she said she didn't want to have the abortion and her doctor talked her into just coming into the office and talking about it, but went ahead with the abortion anyway, against her wishes. As she described this, I thought about how I felt I had to choose abortion against my own will also, and how much a role coercion plays in so very many abortions.
The first time I found myself in a crisis pregnancy, I remember feeling extremely forced to choose abortion because of the circumstances in which I was living: a failing marriage, complete lack of support being 300 miles away from home, an alcoholic husband who would not work and sabotaged my efforts to keep us afloat financially, poverty though- I was working two jobs, and having a baby already that I was struggling in every way to take care of each and every day. I was the only adult in my marriage and we had a baby who needed to be feed and diapered and clothed. A baby I already had to write bad checks to pay for his formula, while my husband was stealing money out of my purse that was supposed to pay for my lunch at work the next day. And when faced with a pregnancy, he said, "whatever you want to do, it really doesn't matter to me." We had a baby and I had witnessed no change in my husband's behavior, so what would warrant me thinking another baby would make him change? He did not care about helping me take care of the child we already had, why would I think he would change if we had another one? I was terrified, I was the one living in reality and trying to keep everything together, while he spent money we didn't have and acted like we were independently wealthy and never had to work for anything. The overwhelming, drowning feeling I felt each day as I woke up, got dressed, took my baby to daycare and went to work coerced me into my first abortion. We were on the verge of losing everything I was working so hard to accumulate for us. We couldn't make our house payments, our car was being repossessed, we were three months behind on our bills and I couldn't even make ends meet working two jobs on my own. I had the abortion, and shortly after, we separated. I felt as if I had to save my first child and myself. I felt as if it was my infant son and me against the entire world. I felt desperate and so alone, while my husband was cold and distant and uncaring toward both of us. I felt I had no choice but to have an abortion I never ever wanted to have.
The second time was four years later under somewhat different circumstances, though there still were quite a few of the same fears clouding my thinking and perspective. I had divorced my first husband and moved my home and my baby back to my home town. I was making payments on my house and on my car and though there was very little extra, I was making it completely on my own. I started dating a wonderful man, whom I loved very, very much and about a year into our relationship, I became pregnant again. This time a different type of coercion took place. This time I was so very worried about what my mother and family and co-workers would think of my being pregnant outside of marriage, in addition to making it on my own with two small children. So, some of the fears were the same (financially and emotionally), with the addition of being freaked out and worried about disappointing and angering my mother. It is difficult to explain the unbelievable power and emotional hold my mother had on me at that time. I tried so very hard to be perfect to earn the love and approval I had always wanted/needed from her. I was so afraid of her wrath and what she would think of me, it was consuming. I felt I had to cover up and end the pregnancy to keep her from finding out. I also didn't want to disappoint my father, though I didn't have the same fear of abandonment from him as I did her. I couldn't stand the thought of my fellow teachers and my sixth grade students that I taught abstinence to finding out I was pregnant outside marriage. At that time, it was not as commonplace as it is now. It was a major, huge problem to be avoided at all cost in my family. I had grown up hearing awful things about girls who got pregnant and were not married in the strict, religious family I belonged to. Once again, I asked my boyfriend then, husband now, what he thought I should do. Once again, I was told to do whatever I thought was best. He didn't say, "I don't want you to have this," and he never mentioned marriage.
Another major influence on my decision was the circumstances evolving in our relationship at the time. Shortly after I found out I was expecting another baby, his ex-wife was moving his two children one hour away from him, and he told me he was considering relocating to the same town as them. Once again I felt abandoned and alone. Once again, I thought, "I'm on my own, it's me and my child against the world. I brought up having an abortion, after I realized he was likely going to move and he didn't ask me to marry him. We didn't talk about marriage or keeping the baby ever during this time. I had the mindset that it had to be done and I would not allow myself to think about anything else. I did not think things through, we did not talk things through. I made the decision that I would do this, and I would never tell anyone, ever, it was to be a secret I would take to my grave, with no one else ever knowing about it. At times, the fact that no one knew about it was the only source of comfort I had. I pulled away from God and closed my heart and mind to His leading. I did not seek His council, and didn't feel His presence in this storm. Two regrets and losses among many pertaining to my abortions.
I have discussed this issue with many women, and I know coercion is a major factor in many abortions. I pray that we will do a better job of empowering our younger women to recognize, comprehend, listen to and use their voices in this world to make mindful decisions and declarations about what they want and about what happens to their bodies! I now know the trauma I experienced in my childhood affected the growth and development of parts of my brain, and sequentially the decisions I made. I was making decisions in my early adulthood the way that teenagers make decisions, based on fear of my parents getting mad at me, for example. I was not an adult body with an adult mind yet, that didn't happen until later; and it was painful to get to that point, in fact I'm still working on it today. I am affected today by the abuse that I suffered and denied for so long. I am having to learn to live in a self created "safe place" in order to re-parent and nurture myself.
The first time I found myself in a crisis pregnancy, I remember feeling extremely forced to choose abortion because of the circumstances in which I was living: a failing marriage, complete lack of support being 300 miles away from home, an alcoholic husband who would not work and sabotaged my efforts to keep us afloat financially, poverty though- I was working two jobs, and having a baby already that I was struggling in every way to take care of each and every day. I was the only adult in my marriage and we had a baby who needed to be feed and diapered and clothed. A baby I already had to write bad checks to pay for his formula, while my husband was stealing money out of my purse that was supposed to pay for my lunch at work the next day. And when faced with a pregnancy, he said, "whatever you want to do, it really doesn't matter to me." We had a baby and I had witnessed no change in my husband's behavior, so what would warrant me thinking another baby would make him change? He did not care about helping me take care of the child we already had, why would I think he would change if we had another one? I was terrified, I was the one living in reality and trying to keep everything together, while he spent money we didn't have and acted like we were independently wealthy and never had to work for anything. The overwhelming, drowning feeling I felt each day as I woke up, got dressed, took my baby to daycare and went to work coerced me into my first abortion. We were on the verge of losing everything I was working so hard to accumulate for us. We couldn't make our house payments, our car was being repossessed, we were three months behind on our bills and I couldn't even make ends meet working two jobs on my own. I had the abortion, and shortly after, we separated. I felt as if I had to save my first child and myself. I felt as if it was my infant son and me against the entire world. I felt desperate and so alone, while my husband was cold and distant and uncaring toward both of us. I felt I had no choice but to have an abortion I never ever wanted to have.
The second time was four years later under somewhat different circumstances, though there still were quite a few of the same fears clouding my thinking and perspective. I had divorced my first husband and moved my home and my baby back to my home town. I was making payments on my house and on my car and though there was very little extra, I was making it completely on my own. I started dating a wonderful man, whom I loved very, very much and about a year into our relationship, I became pregnant again. This time a different type of coercion took place. This time I was so very worried about what my mother and family and co-workers would think of my being pregnant outside of marriage, in addition to making it on my own with two small children. So, some of the fears were the same (financially and emotionally), with the addition of being freaked out and worried about disappointing and angering my mother. It is difficult to explain the unbelievable power and emotional hold my mother had on me at that time. I tried so very hard to be perfect to earn the love and approval I had always wanted/needed from her. I was so afraid of her wrath and what she would think of me, it was consuming. I felt I had to cover up and end the pregnancy to keep her from finding out. I also didn't want to disappoint my father, though I didn't have the same fear of abandonment from him as I did her. I couldn't stand the thought of my fellow teachers and my sixth grade students that I taught abstinence to finding out I was pregnant outside marriage. At that time, it was not as commonplace as it is now. It was a major, huge problem to be avoided at all cost in my family. I had grown up hearing awful things about girls who got pregnant and were not married in the strict, religious family I belonged to. Once again, I asked my boyfriend then, husband now, what he thought I should do. Once again, I was told to do whatever I thought was best. He didn't say, "I don't want you to have this," and he never mentioned marriage.
Another major influence on my decision was the circumstances evolving in our relationship at the time. Shortly after I found out I was expecting another baby, his ex-wife was moving his two children one hour away from him, and he told me he was considering relocating to the same town as them. Once again I felt abandoned and alone. Once again, I thought, "I'm on my own, it's me and my child against the world. I brought up having an abortion, after I realized he was likely going to move and he didn't ask me to marry him. We didn't talk about marriage or keeping the baby ever during this time. I had the mindset that it had to be done and I would not allow myself to think about anything else. I did not think things through, we did not talk things through. I made the decision that I would do this, and I would never tell anyone, ever, it was to be a secret I would take to my grave, with no one else ever knowing about it. At times, the fact that no one knew about it was the only source of comfort I had. I pulled away from God and closed my heart and mind to His leading. I did not seek His council, and didn't feel His presence in this storm. Two regrets and losses among many pertaining to my abortions.
I have discussed this issue with many women, and I know coercion is a major factor in many abortions. I pray that we will do a better job of empowering our younger women to recognize, comprehend, listen to and use their voices in this world to make mindful decisions and declarations about what they want and about what happens to their bodies! I now know the trauma I experienced in my childhood affected the growth and development of parts of my brain, and sequentially the decisions I made. I was making decisions in my early adulthood the way that teenagers make decisions, based on fear of my parents getting mad at me, for example. I was not an adult body with an adult mind yet, that didn't happen until later; and it was painful to get to that point, in fact I'm still working on it today. I am affected today by the abuse that I suffered and denied for so long. I am having to learn to live in a self created "safe place" in order to re-parent and nurture myself.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
I'm Baaacccckkkkk...............
I apologize for the long hiccup in between posts. It seems my life has been quite upside down for the last while. I needed to focus on many things at one time and unfortunately, I have neglected my blog, which happens to be very important to me and very close to my heart. Please, forgive me. I hope things have settled down, at least somewhat, now and I can get back to writing what God lays on my heart here.
I have felt torn and anxious about being away. The blog enters my mind often, and I regret I have lost some of the information that bubbled to the surface that needed to be recorded here during my time away. I will be in prayer that God would reveal more of that in His perfect time.
I strongly believe that the offerings here are lessons, or morsels of insights, that God is revealing to me in the right time and place, and I pray that some of them (selfishly many of them, honestly) may be helpful to you as well.
I have sincerely been frustrated about our inability to schedule our next retreat until just this week. There were some roadblocks and obstacles that seemed to continue getting in the way of scheduling, which as the leader/planner/organizer of the retreats, was extremely annoying. I have decided that instead of belly aching about it, and complaining, that I will instead revel in the fact that it now is scheduled and trust that for whatever reason, God's plan was for it to wait a bit, while things were sorted out.
We are now scheduled for May 30th--June 1st, 2014 for our Spring retreat. I am thankful to finally be back in the books and looking forward to serving my heavenly Father in this way!!
At church this morning, the pastor was asking if God had shown us a vision of what He wanted our future to be and if we were working on getting where we needed to be in fulfilling that role in our lives, whatever it was. I was thinking of God's calling in my life for post-abortion ministry and thinking about all that God has laid on my heart in do in this ministry. I can honestly say I have a long way to go. There is much to do, and Lord willing, I will do my best. I pray that God will use the skills, talents and gifts that He has given me to reach out to those in need of healing following their regretted abortion choices.
Pray for me, as I seek to fulfill all that He has called me to do. Pray that I will be able to do what is asked and take care of the necessary obligations in my life as a wife, mother and counselor as well. Indeed, there is much to do.
I have felt torn and anxious about being away. The blog enters my mind often, and I regret I have lost some of the information that bubbled to the surface that needed to be recorded here during my time away. I will be in prayer that God would reveal more of that in His perfect time.
I strongly believe that the offerings here are lessons, or morsels of insights, that God is revealing to me in the right time and place, and I pray that some of them (selfishly many of them, honestly) may be helpful to you as well.
I have sincerely been frustrated about our inability to schedule our next retreat until just this week. There were some roadblocks and obstacles that seemed to continue getting in the way of scheduling, which as the leader/planner/organizer of the retreats, was extremely annoying. I have decided that instead of belly aching about it, and complaining, that I will instead revel in the fact that it now is scheduled and trust that for whatever reason, God's plan was for it to wait a bit, while things were sorted out.
We are now scheduled for May 30th--June 1st, 2014 for our Spring retreat. I am thankful to finally be back in the books and looking forward to serving my heavenly Father in this way!!
At church this morning, the pastor was asking if God had shown us a vision of what He wanted our future to be and if we were working on getting where we needed to be in fulfilling that role in our lives, whatever it was. I was thinking of God's calling in my life for post-abortion ministry and thinking about all that God has laid on my heart in do in this ministry. I can honestly say I have a long way to go. There is much to do, and Lord willing, I will do my best. I pray that God will use the skills, talents and gifts that He has given me to reach out to those in need of healing following their regretted abortion choices.
Pray for me, as I seek to fulfill all that He has called me to do. Pray that I will be able to do what is asked and take care of the necessary obligations in my life as a wife, mother and counselor as well. Indeed, there is much to do.
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