Surrender the Secret Episode 5

     Episode 5 focuses largely on forgiveness of others surrounding the abortion choice, and accepting God's forgiveness completely, because of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross for us.

     I loved that the study emphasizes what forgiveness is NOT, along with what it truly means.  There are so many pitfalls in this area, when we are trying to process our anger and forgive others, or accept forgiveness ourselves.  Many of us have believed the myth for so long that forgiving means that we accept what has been done to us, or what we have done as "okay."  Those of us who have chosen abortion know that it will never be okay that we did this.  I am so glad that this distinction was made here, and that the point that forgiving does not minimize what has taken place, or dictate that we should just be completely fine with what has happened.

     Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation, is another point that was touched on, and I believe it is so important for us to understand this.  I remember as a child and a young adult, it was so easy for me to "forgive and forget."  I would forgive and just pretend that whatever had been done to me did not matter, that everything was just fine.  Now, I understand that it does not work that way.  Sometimes the infractions against us are so evil and so hurtful that we feel we cannot ever forgive what has been done, let alone, forget about it.  But, God states for us very clearly to forgive, because we have been forgiven.  So, out of obedience to God, to follow His instruction for our lives, we must choose to forgive, and then ask God to fill those angry spaces with His love.  Still, even in doing this, it is not always healthy for us to go back to relationships with those who have hurt us on such a deep, psychological level, especially if they hurt us over and over again. 

     I don't think I had ever heard it said that the Bible does not identify a need for us to forgive ourselves for things that we have done, only to accept God's forgiveness.  I am still thinking this point through and mulling it around in my mind.  Kelly pointed out in this episode, "forgiving ourselves and accepting God's forgiveness are almost two different packages."  I currently believe they are two separate packages.   But, as I'm processing this, does that mean I am putting myself on God's level, granting the blessing of forgiveness right along beside Him?  I can never see myself on the same playing field as God, there is no way to even make this comparison, it would be compeltely ridiculous to do so.

     In my mind, if we accept God's forgiveness, and do not forgive ourselves for an abortion choice, this is a sin, because we are placing ourselves as higher judges than God.  This was the point that drove my decision to finally make the choice to forgive myself, as I outlined in this June 25th, 2012 post.  I felt I could accept that God could forgive me, because He said He will forgive anything that we confess with a pure heart, and I knew I truly confessed my sin to Him desperately seeking His forgiveness; but I vowed within my own heart, "I will NEVER forgive myself for what I have done."  I wrestled with this for months and months, as God patiently showed me that forgiving myself was an act of obedience to Him; and that even if I didn't feel in my heart that I could forgive myself, I must make the choice to do so in reverence to my Creator.  Now, after watching this episode I'm thinking, "is forgiving myself more of a deeper acceptance of God's forgiveness, rather than a separate form of forgiveness?"  I will pray about this point, and write more in a later post about what God reveals to me.  It is definitely an interesting point to ponder, and I am grateful for the show for bringing this question into the light for me.

Surrender the Secret Episode 4

   

   
     Other duties have kept me from being able to watch the next episode of this series until last night, but it's been on my mind, and I look forward to it each Tuesday.  This episode focuses on the anger that surrounds an abortion decision.  I believe the anger is one of the hardest phases to work through, especially if you are from a background like mine, where you were not allowed to express anger and other negative feelings, and anger was constantly modeled in the most inappropriate of ways.  As the women in this episode discussed, and Vanessa verbalized in her side segment, the anger starts way before the abortion decision is ever made.  Then it is compounded by the hurts that happen during and in the time of the abortion. 

     It is normal to feel angry with many people after an abortion.  Many of us fight these feelings and push them deep inside our psyches, so deep in fact that we may not even know, or acknowledge that the anger really exists; or worse, we internalize it and blame ourselves completely and solely for our choice.  Our abortion choices had many contributors, even people who were unaware of the crisis pregnancy at all.  As Jill touched on in her letter to her parents, "why did you not stop me, why did I feel I couldn't come to you for help."  There is a direct proven link between abuse in childhood and abortion choices.  Abuse can take on so many different forms, it is no longer the old definition of children being beaten black and blue, burned with cigarettes or locked in closets.  We now know that verbal and emotional abuse is just as damaging, if not more so, and can have long lasting, even devastating consequences.

     In order to work through the anger that surfaces in working through your feelings about your abortion choice, a level of deep acceptance of the anger needs to take place first.  Please, don't fight the anger, it is necessary, it is healthy, it is acceptable to us and to God.  What we do with the anger is often where the problem comes in.  I'm not saying it's okay to take your anger out by mistreating your spouse, your children, your friends or anyone else in your life.  I'm talking about honest anger that is to be dealt with in healthy and constructive ways.  Simply allow the feelings to come, and don't fight them, then do something to get them out of you, as you saw in this episode, writing a letter and ripping it up is constructive.  Burning the letters is constructive, it is taking the anger outside of your body and disposing of it in such a way as to harm no one.  Praying about it and asking God to take the anger away and release it from you is a wonderful tool in dealing with anger.  Asking God to replace the anger with His love for the people that hurt you is a powerful way to release the anger and give yourself a sense of peace and calm where there may have been resentment, anger and even hatred at times.  As you pray these prayers, breathe out the anger to the air in long, slow, deep breathes, while visualizing God's loving hands surrounding it and making it dissolve into nothing.  In doing this, you are giving the anger away to the One and Only that can make something good out of something bad.  Many people journal about their anger, or they write many letters, each one allowing a little of the anger to be expelled at a time, this is healthy.  Talking about it and expressing it to a trusted friend or relative is constructive, crying and screaming and wailing is acceptable when you are alone or with someone you trust very much.  Even physically releasing the anger is healthy if you enjoy physical activities, beating a punching bag, or pillow is cathartic at times.  Just do what you need to do without hurting yourself or anyone else, and it will be beneficial; the most important point is to not fight the anger, instead accept that it is how you feel in this moment.  Feelings change, emotions come and go, they are not facts.  Just because I am angry today, that does not mean I'm going to be angry tomorrow or next week.  It is just an emotion like any other, and if we can step back from it and look at it in this way, it helps to minimize its power in our lives.  The distance will allow us to have a new perspective about these negative emotions.

     Many people worry that if they start to allow themselves to feel the anger, that it will consume them.  They feel overwhelmed by anger, and uncomfortable with the anxiety that accompanies anger.  That is because in general, we haven't had healthy experiences with this emotion.  Many people use anger in destructive and manipulative ways, and this leads to many hurt feelings, and damaged relationships, and broken hearts.  It's hard to convince someone who has kept it bottled inside for years and years that it's okay to go into that anger, that they may feel overwhelmed in the beginning by this strong emotion, but that it is healthy to deal with it.  Holding it inside only leads to disease and for many, emotional and psychological problems that can span a lifetime.  I hope that you will allow yourself to feel the anger and will release it in healthy ways.  As the women demonstrated with the rocks, if it is not released, it is baggage that goes with us everywhere we go, weighing us down and keeping us from our fullest potential, and robbing us of peace and tranquility in our lives.  The anger that is left to fester will only cause us emotional pain, while those that we are angry with continue on with their lives oblivious to the fact that they have hurt us at all many times.

     And finally, by taking a good, long, honest look at our anger without allowing it to control our lives, we stand to gain an amazing amount of insight and personal growth from having experienced it and worked our way through it.  I think insight, understanding the underlying reasons we feel and do the things we do, is one of God's greatest gifts to us.  It is quite a blessing to have a clearer view of our lives and the pain we have experienced, when it allows us to grow and make changes that have lasting and empowering results in our lives.  The insight only comes if we unabashedly invite it into our lives, without fear of what will be revealed to us.  We open the door wide to the blessing of insight, when we look, even trembling, full on into the face of our deepest emotions, with anger being a primary one.  One of the reasons that anger is so important for us to work through is that it masks so many other things.  I remember early in my counseling career a trusted mentor sharing with me the analogy of the onion and peeling away the layers, as being the same thing we do in therapy.  We begin to peel back what we see on the surface (anger, outbursts, relational problems, eating disorders, addiction, etc.) to have a closer look inside what is driving these behaviors (hurt, rejection, fear, loneliness, poor self-esteem, psychological damage, etc.). 

     You and I are brave, whether we feel that we are all the time or not, we absolutely are.   If we are willing to work at understanding our lives, our thoughts, and our behaviors; our pasts, and our presents, that takes courage.  We have everything to gain from working on this, and nothing to lose but heavy "rocks."

Surrender the Secret Episode 3

   
      Today's episode was difficult to watch, because the harsh reality of abortion, and what we have done as women who have made this choice is undeniably awful!  No matter how much healing a person goes through, or experiences, this fact remains unmovable and irrevocable.  The reality that there was life, and our choice to abort ended that life, leaves a void in our lives that can never, ever be filled.  Our children are gone, and can never be replaced.  My heart goes out to the women in our world, along with the women on the show, who are living daily with the pain of regret from an abortion choice, no matter how long ago that abortion may have taken place.  My heart aches for the innocent lives that are ended daily around the world, as one statistic shared in this episode shows us, 1.5 million abortions taking place each year, making this the most common procedure among women.  How long will this continue?  How long before enough of us share our stories of regret to break through the denial of the pro-choice rhetoric?

     This episode was largely about the lies that are told to women convincing them that abortion is an okay option, because the life inside them are really just "tissue."  I have to say, I do not really feel I was "duped" by the system so to speak, though I agree it is a huge lie that is told to many that "abortion is a simple procedure that removes some unnecessary tissue and you'll be fine soon after it's over."  That really didn't factor into my choice.  I was deceived by the lies of the enemy much more so than the actual clinic itself, and I do realize that the enemy is also behind those lies as well.  I remember a constant barrage of lies from the time I opened my eyes in the morning until I closed them at night, and it was very much an attack on my mind and my emotions, not to mention my body, with the incessant anxiety and panic of being alone in a crisis pregnancy situation. 

     I remember thoughts like, "you can't afford to take care of another child, you can barely care for the one you have now," "you can't make ends meet working two jobs as a single mother now, and you think you can add another child to the household, that's ridiculous," "your boyfriend doesn't want you or love you or want to marry you, if he did, he would ask...so if you got married and had the baby, he would just be stuck with you and you've already had one failed marriage, and now you think you can have another marriage?"  "What will your parents say, you know their Cardinal rule has always been no children out of wedlock,"  "your mother is going to be furious, she'll leave you and never look back if you tell anyone you're pregnant and not married," "what will your students think, aren't you the hypocrite that's always preaching abstinence to them?"  On and on the constant taunting would go, and all day long the panic and feeling of extreme loneliness and isolation as a woman trapped in a "horrible" situation.  My boyfriend was there, but all he had to offer was, "whatever you want to do, I'll support you."  I told no one else about the pregnancy for many years.  I have never felt so alone in my life.  I remember feeling that I had to make myself hate the life inside me, in order to go through with the abortion, as if my baby was the one to blame.  I think one of the things that made it so traumatic for me both times was, I didn't enter into it with the denial that "it is just a blob of tissue" as I hear many women say. I knew I had a life inside me, and I knew on some stifled, buried and disconnected level that this life was precious, and I did not want to end it, but felt I had absolutely no other choice... no other option in the world to do anything other than what I chose to do.  So, I made myself do it against my own will, against my own beliefs, against my own moral code as a woman and a mother, against basically everything that I hold true to my heart about being a Christian.  For me, the fact that abortion is called a "Choice," something the pro-choice agenda uses as a positive, is absurd to me.  I felt I had no "choice" whatsoever, if I had I would hope that I would have chosen something different.