How Did We Get Here?

How did we get to be that woman in the mirror looking back at us?  Where did she come from?  Is she me; or is the me that everyone else sees the real me; or is she the sum of her roles, titles and/or responsibilities?  Is it "yes," to all of the above?  Is it one of those multiple choice trick questions, where there really is no true right or wrong answer, just the more right or wrong answer?  More importantly than, "how did we get to be that woman in the mirror looking back at us," is the question, "how did we get to be that woman, who has had an abortion, in the mirror looking back at us?"  Isn't it still in some ways surreal?  That didn't really happen.  I didn't really make that choice, did I ?  The denial is unbelievably strong!  The denial helped us become that woman, the denial nurtured us in being that woman, and it still wants to play a role, even after we are healed/healing from our irrevocable choice.  For many of us, myself included, it's a good thing it is still there.

I think Fredrica Mathews Green said it best, "A woman doesn't want an abortion like she wants an ice cream cone or a Porshe, but like an animal caught in a trap who gnaws off it's own leg."  I absolutely could not agree more.  I think this quote comes close to describing the all consuming panic and desperation that a woman facing, and ultimately choosing, an abortion feels.

We are the sum of our experiences.  We became the woman in the mirror slowly, methodically, and painfully.  Like so much of life, it happened before we knew what was happening.  I'm not making excuses or trying to shirk my responsibilities, I'm stating facts.  I'm not saying we didn't know what we were doing, unfortunately we knew exactly what we were doing.  Most of us remember all of the details, including sights, sounds, smells, and the painful feelings, and many of us suffer as we relive them over and over and over in our minds and bodies.  What I am saying is that those of us who have suffered from our choice, which was a choice I wish I'd never had, would now do the complete and total opposite now that we can see clearly the devastation it causes, not only for our babies, but for ourselves as well.