Renewed

I am returning from facilitating on a Rachel's Vineyard weekend retreat in Maggie Valley, NC this past weekend. Despite some mountain wild fires due to our dry and parched land, our weather and retreat experiences could not have been more of a blessing! I was convicted by the Holy Spirit while I was there this weekend that I need to "get back in the game," and stop dilly-dallying around with post-abortion healing ministry and my calling from God to do this work. As a full time employee in behavioral health management and a counselor and retreat leader, full time mom to a very energetic 9 (almost) year old, wife and artist, (not even counting the laundry, cleaning, cooking and shopping that have to be done), it is very easy for life to steam roll me sometimes. I prayed for God to renew my Spirit, to show me my clear path, to infuse my words, actions and pursuits with His purpose for me. And that prayer is actively being answered already. I vowed as I asked for guidance that I would turn my eyes back to God in my daily life to a greater degree than I had been. I have allowed my devotion and scripture study time to be sucked away by all of the details of daily life, and I confess, time with God would get pushed to the back burner, without ever intending to do that! It just happened, but I became aware that I AM the only one who can put the breaks on and say, "no more, I WILL make time, I WILL spend time just being still and listening to my almighty and righteous God! I WILL spend time in His Word and in prayer! It IS a priority! So, as if I needed confirmation that God was listening, I downloaded an app with daily devotions from Girlfriends in God, and wouldn't you know it, the first one I click on is "Broken Into Beautiful!!" I know you will understand my excitement when you read the wonderful story that Gwen Smith has been so gracious in sharing! May God bless her richly for being courageous enough to share her story openly for those of us who are post-abortive to benefit from! 

Broken Into Beautiful
Gwen Smith

Today’s Truth
“Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame” (Psalm 34:5, NIV).

Friend To Friend
I remember the phone call to my college boyfriend. Through sobs, I managed to tell him I was pregnant. There was a long pause on the other end of the phone … and then came the speed round of questions and comments: “What are we going to do? Do you think we should get married? Oh, my gosh ... Oh, my gosh … what are we going to do? Do you want to have this baby? What are we going to do? What about volleyball? What will your parents say? What will my parents say? Oh, my gosh!”

Like trapped animals, we were frantically looking for a way out. Then we made our decision. We would take care of it. It wasn’t time for us to have a baby yet.

God wasn’t consulted. He wasn’t invited into our decision.

Adam and Eve hid in the garden after eating the forbidden fruit. My boyfriend and I hid from God and did what we considered to be our only option. We made a plan. He would pick me up and take me to a clinic that I read about in the yellow pages.

When the day came, we drove in icy silence. I was Fort Knox. No one was going to break through the emotional walls I had constructed for protection.

You see there was never a moment that I believed having an abortion was the right thing to do. I only stubbornly and naively believed that my choice was the only ladder to grab out of the horrible pit I had dug for myself.

I was wrong.  Dead wrong.

There, in the sterile room of that stale clinic, I used an alias. I wasn’t Gwen. My charts did not say that I was Gwen, the girl who was raised by good parents, the girl who was raised in the Word of God to know right from wrong. The counselor I had met with said that using my name could have made me feel uncomfortable with the “harmless and legal procedure” I was having done that day. Nobody else needed to know. I was anonymous.

It was my secret. A secret of chains that bound me in silence for the ensuing fifteen years - a secret kept because I mistakenly assumed that no one else could handle the ugly truth of my sinfulness with grace and forgiveness. I was a Christian girl. Christians don’t get pregnant when they aren’t married, and Christians don’t have abortions, right? It was all too scandalous, and I was crazy afraid of the consequences.

Most of that day was a blur. It was a dark, cold January day. Though the clinic was lit with bright fluorescent lights, the flame of dignity and hope in my heart had grown dim. I blocked out all the voices in my head as they contested what I was doing. I was desperate and scared.

For weeks following my abortion, I went through each day under a dark cloud of despair. I couldn’t reconcile what I had done with who I was, and who I was supposed to be. My heart was broken. I felt hopeless and was horribly ashamed. I hated what I had done, and I hated myself for doing it. I was responsible for the death of my baby. It was my fault. I knew it, and it haunted me.

Voices of accusation used to scream in my head. They shouted things like: Murderer! Baby killer! Hypocrite! You can never tell a soul about this! Condemnation kept me shackled. Without realizing it, I was a captive to my own acceptance of those words. I was guilty. A wretch. No excuses. My heart was paralyzed by death. Words just can’t express the depth of anguish my soul experienced.

The dark days turned into weeks, which turned into months. Although I could turn on the fake charm like water from a faucet … oh, how my plastic smile served me well in those days ... I was dying inside! At night, my pillow soaked up rivers of tears. I would lie awake, wondering if my baby was a boy or girl, or if my baby had felt any pain as she was being sucked from my body.

I wept. I wept for both my baby and for myself. It was necessary. It felt right to cry. And though the tears helped my soul grieve, none were as healing as the ones I cried to Jesus when I finally turned back to Him.

Like Peter after the rooster crowed, I wept bitterly at the feet of Jesus in raw repentance. Then, as the psalmist did, I “waited patiently for the LORD; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God” (Psalm 40:1-3). Although I didn’t deserve His mercy, Jesus forgave me. My forgiveness was immediate and complete, but the healing took time. He gave me a new song.

Hallelujah! I’ve been forgiven and transformed by the unconditional love of God. I was dead in my sins, but am now alive in Christ! I am free and it is my privilege to encourage you towards that same freedom in Christ. God longs for you to experience His perfect healing and hope too – no matter what you’ve done, no matter where you’ve been, no matter what has left you broken.

What’s your story? Jesus came that we would have life abundantly (John 10:10). Not because of anything that we have done to deserve it, but because of what He has done.  His grace is sufficient. The guilt, pain, and shame of our pasts tell us we are disqualified to move on, to serve God, to be free, and to know peace. But to believe this lie is to believe that your sin is outside the scope of God’s grace. Nothing could be further from the truth. You have purpose in this life. And though you may have gone through a season of hurt, rejection, or pain, God can and will pick you up and place you back on track. I’m living proof.

There is no condemnation for those in Christ. While the enemy loves to cast false guilt, our Lord loves to extend grace and forgiveness, which is the remedy that restores all your broken pieces. Don’t hold onto those pieces. Don’t hide them behind a plastic smile. Bring them into the light, lay them at the feet of Jesus, and let go. Allow your wounds to be healed today.

Let’s Pray
Holy Father, today I come to You with the broken pieces in my life that I have been hesitant to deal with. Take my hand and lead as I walk past my fears and doubts to the refuge of Your forgiving arms. Please take what is broken and transform it into beautiful. Please free me from the lies that have me shackled in silence and that keep me from believing that Your forgiveness can be mine.  Help me to trust that You can redeem and restore every area of my life.
In Jesus’ Name I pray,
Amen.

Now It’s Your Turn
Ask yourself these questions:

What secrets or lies am I allowing to hold me captive?
How could God use my story for His glory?
Am I willing to share my experiences and failures for the transformation power of Christ to be seen by others?

Then, read Luke 7:36-50.

More From The Girlfriends
Okay … take a deep breath with me! Some of you may feel disturbed that a locked door in your heart has been nudged open this morning. I also know that 30-40% of you that are reading this devotion share my experience of abortion. There is healing and forgiveness for you, too. Through the help of my local Pregnancy Care Center, I went through a post-abortive Bible study that helped me to know complete healing. If you have not taken that step toward healing, I encourage you to contact the Abortion Recovery CARE line at 1-866-4-My-Recovery (1-866-469-7326) - visit www.AbortionRecovery.org - or call your local Pregnancy Care Center today to sign up for a post-abortive Bible study or retreat.

Portions of today's devotion are taken from Gwen's book, Broken Into Beautiful. Her full testimony is featured in the book, along with Scriptural truths and stories of how God has brought restoration the hearts of many other women who had painful life wounds. God delights to transform lives … including your own. Experience God's healing and hope in your life today as you read Broken Into Beautiful! To order the book online, please visit Gwen’s website at www.GwenSmith.net/store.

To listen to the song Broken Into Beautiful or to request prayer and connect with other GiGs, click over to Gwen’s Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/GwenSmithMusic .

How Is Healing After Abortion Ever Going To Be Possible For Me

I receive the question, "How is healing after my abortion ever going to be possible for me," all the time. I remember when it seemed like such a far stretch and a vague, unrealistic destination for me too. Some people don't believe it's possible, and trust me, I get that. Others, like myself, have experienced God's gift of healing and will tell you without hesitation it IS possible.

But even if we assume it is true, I often also get the question, "how will I know if/when I'm healed?" My reply? "It's different for every person, and all of the ways it is realized are valid." When you have healed from abortion's wounds, the scar is still there and never leaves, but the pain no longer lingers in your heart and mind; with healing, you no longer feel like your pain, sorrow, guilt, torture, despair and (fill in the blank with your greatest struggle), is controlling you and your life. Everything does not revolve around your abortion history. You don't fight and struggle against the daily onslaught of intrusive, negative thoughts and feelings about your abortion experience. You have accepted forgiveness from God, you have forgiveness in your own heart for you, and you have integrated this event(s) into the story of who you are. The abortion(s) is part of your history and that is a fact you can finally live with; you acknowledge that you will never like this fact, but it is your reality. You are not struck with horror at the thought that someone may "find out about it," and judge you and reject you; you will not wear it like a badge of courage, but you will recognize that you can be helpful and open to others that are hurting after abortion. You will have a peaceful understanding with God that He has brought a calm into the storm that followed your abortion, that had possibly lingered for years, even decades. You will have a heightened sense of how awesome God's grace and mercy is for his children, and how incredibly humbling it is to know his sacrifice has covered your abortion sin(s) as well. You will know, even if you can't explain how it happened, that healing is real in your life and you  will be on fire to share what you have with others that are in their dark places, still stuck in the mire like you used to be.

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of spiritual healing from the disease of abortion. It is the most crucial component and without this divine gift, I would agree that complete healing is not possible. It was not until my Rachel's Vineyard retreat in 2009 that I fully received the spiritual healing that I did not even realize was missing. The Holy Spirit working through the ministry of the retreat team and the sovereign presence of God with me that weekend changed me in ways that I am not fully able to explain. It is similar to acceptance of Christ as your savior and the born again experience, yet even that doesn't describe the fullness of it. I had studied the Bible, I had prayed countless prayers and cried innumerable tears in search of healing and wholeness, and all of those steps were necessary and important; yet in the end, there was work only the Great Physician and Healer of all of our wounds could provide on a soulful level on which we as humans do not have access.

I was truly amazed at my retreat as I realized the fullness of why God had brought me there! He knew I had to have time away from everything and everyone in my life in order for me to be completely open and focused on Him and His spirit within me. If you are approaching your healing in a pragmatic way, with logical steps that "should" equal a feeling of healing in the end, please know, He is waiting for you to invite Him into those inner most places where your pain and sorrow are held. As always, Jesus will not force His will on you, it must be you who asks Him in.

Abortion and Birth Control

I have encountered people in my work that believe that if a woman has had more than one abortion, she must be using it as a form of birth control. Speaking as a woman who has had two abortions and have counseled many women with multiple abortions, and continue to counsel them, I disagree strongly.

One example that comes to mind took place when I was dining with a very nice, Christian woman, whom I had previously met in a photography class. That evening at the restaurant we were discussing ministry work. She talked about her family touring to perform and preach from place to place and all of the work they had done as foster parents over the years for troubled youth. I was impressed at how dedicated they were and imagined all of the young males that they had given safe harbor to and assisted over the years they had committed to doing this type of ministry.

We both agreed that we had felt a kinship during our semester long class together and felt perhaps God led us to each other to open a door for another kind of ministry he had planned for us to do together. We talked about opening a youth program involving the arts in some way, since we both had skills and experience in artistic endeavors. We were enjoying a wonderful time talking about all of the options and possibilities.

Then the conversation turned to my ministry work and what that looks like. I shared about Rachel's Vineyard and the weekend retreats that we offer as an Interdenominational site, and she was immediately interested to hear more. She openly shared that she had an abortion when she was a teenager and had kept it a secret all these years. She further said that she was okay and didn't think about it very much and didn't feel it was an issue of grief for her. I shared that I had experienced abortion too and that I had struggled for many years to cope and accept these losses and their impact on my life. She caught the plural reference I had used and realized I had chosen more than once to have an abortion. Her demeanor and body language immediately changed and she shrugged her shoulders and said that women who have more than one are just "using it as a form of birth control," and tagged something derogatory that I cannot recall, to the end of her sentence. In that moment, watching her face and her eyes that would not meet mine, I could physically see her judging me for the same exact experience that she had had all those years ago. She discussed no further our collaboration in ministry work and we soon wrapped up our dinner together. I could tell she was uncomfortable and wanted to flee the scene, and I felt somewhat dismayed as I realized the fullness of her denial, as she hid behind me to keep from judging herself.

She wasn't the only person, there have been many. Another woman that comes to mind attended a retreat that I facilitated. Though she had had an abortion when she was in college, the sharing of my abortion experiences revealed a strong sense of disdain and judgment for the sins I had committed. It is so clear and definitive when it happens, there is no mistaking the change that takes place in those who judge.

I think it is interesting that we even judge each other for sins that we have both committed, errors that we both have made. Why do we do that? Why do many of us do that? It has always felt so bizarre to me to consider, because in my experience of meeting and hearing the story of women who have had three or more abortions, I do not consider myself better than them or able to stand in judgement for them whatsoever. Rather, my inclination is to think about how much harder it must be to carry that burden from day to day; it compels compassion and empathy in me, not condemnation and superiority.

I believe we as people need to take a moment and realize that we are all humans, incapable of perfection and flawed in a variety of ways on and on to infinity. We need to realize how much power words have and the consequences of words we utter without taking the time to consider how we would feel on the receiving end of those words. We must stop hurling blanket statements at others regarding experiences and choices, and yes mistakes, with which we have no experience and or comparison to understand. Even if I stand by another post-abortive woman and we share of our experiences in those cold, closed places, our stories will be monumentally different and varied, as will our reasons for and beliefs about those experiences.

Research has shown that having multiple abortions is the greatest indicator of trauma, in many instances giving the woman a method or pathway for continuing to reenact her shame, self-loathing and grief, to name a few, that she has become so accustomed to in her past experiences. These are not conscious thoughts or plans or behaviors, but ones that happen covertly through our choices and decisions, or lack thereof, that lead to the abortions.

I remember a supervisor many years ago, when I first started my counseling career who, one day in consulting about a teenage girl's case, said, "well, if she is not taking birth control, then she is trying to get pregnant!" She made this statement definitively and continued to repeat it, in response to mine and another co-worker's expressions of disbelief, I would imagine. I remember thinking, "that's not true in my situation. I wasn't taking birth control, but I absolutely, positively was NOT trying to get pregnant!" However, sometimes I have to wonder if subconsciously I was trying, without even knowing it. Let's put it this way, I was not consciously, knowingly not taking birth control so that I could get pregnant and have an abortion, of that I am positive. I remember the utter and complete panic, crippling fear and overwhelming emotions that erupted with being informed that I was with child; no one in their right mind would choose for those experiences to happen. 

To Tell or Not to Tell

When I was studying various sources during my work toward healing following my abortions, I read differing views about sharing abortions with others and whether or not it was recommended as a healing step to take.  There are various camps that see this issue from opposing viewpoints.  I have my own views about it, which were established following doing a little of all that I researched and thought was "the right way" to do it, combined with what I actually did and my experiences from it, and others' experiences that have been shared with me.

One source I read was quite convincing that the post-abortive need to confess their sins in front of others in order to be fully healed following an abortion.  Isn't that what the Bible says after all, "confess your sins one to another..?" (James 5:16) The last part of that verse is, "and pray for each other so that you may be healed."  I believe this verse applies to those of us who are post-abortive, but I believe we need to be extremely careful who we confess this sin to, because as we know, information like this is not safe in everyone's hands. I do not believe this is a blanket statement or recommendation for every person who encounters this dilemma.  I know a woman who also serves in post abortion ministry, who believed that she was expected to stand in front of her church and confess this sin to her congregation.  She was convicted, she said, to do this, and felt led by God to stand in the pulpit and make this confession publicly.  She followed what she felt was God's leading in her life, and did confess her abortion from many years prior, when she was 16 years old.  Unfortunately, as you might suspect, she was judged harshly by many of the people in her church, which led to her being rejected on a completely different level.  She was very wounded by the behaviors of some of the people there, Christian people she believed she could trust.  I also believe that sharing these experiences with others can be extremely helpful and healing, but we must scrutinize every individual with which we contemplate sharing it.  Because, there are many people who care more about judging others in an attempt to cast themselves in a more favorable light, than there are focusing on praying for healing for the person who shares this raw information.  I am sad to say it, but not everyone is worthy of such delicate and potentially harmful confessions.  Some people absolutely love to get their hands on juicy details of others' lives, so that at an opportune time, they can use it to damage another person's reputation and character.  We can easily recognize the evil root of these types of behaviors.

I have found comfort in sharing my story with a very trusted friend of many years.  I would have trusted my life with her, and at the time, I did in a very real way.  She received me with love and showered me with support to heal from the pain she could see all over my face and body.  She extended God's love in that time, and in the years since then.  I picked this friend very carefully, because I knew her heart was after God's heart and that she did not intend evil toward me or my family.  She has never experienced the devastating pain abortion can bring to one's life, but her husband has and after our conversation her eyes were opened to a whole different dimension of his person-hood.  She was able to extend love, compassion and mercy to both of us, which was very healing to each of us in our own ways.  She and her husband continue to contribute to our Oaks Studio Team's work on our site's Rachel's Vineyard Retreats in very special ways.  What a blessing they both are to us and those we serve!

My point in a nutshell is we MUST be careful who we share our experiences of abortion, and in what way we do that.  Make sure that you are confiding in a very close and trusted friend or family member.  Sharing with a therapist may be a good first person to share with, as they have no other connections in your life and can hopefully be completely objective about their counsel of you during that time.  Even with a therapist, I would recommend establishing trust and rapport with them before venturing into this very treacherous territory.  Make sure you understand their views generally regarding abortion, because it is important for them to match your views closely.   There is more to share on this subject, so I will say more in a different post soon.

Abortion's Storm

There are so many twists and turns in life, sometimes it's hard for me to believe that they just keep coming.  For so long, I've wondered when my life would be in a calm and peaceful place.  It seems that about the time I get through one storm another one is raging in the distance and I'm bowing up my shoulders to brace myself for what is to come.  A friend and I were talking this week, "Sometimes I think God must think I'm a strong person, since He has promised to never give me more than I can handle," she said followed by our soft laughs.  Then reality chimed in and there was a brief silence as both of us looked through the flood of images that came to mind of events and experiences that have challenged us and caused great growth, even though we would just as soon be without them--growth or not.

I often thank God for my healing following my abortions, both physically and emotionally, and I'm thankful that abortion grief is no longer a debilitater for me.  There were many years that the abortions were my "storm" and my "devastation."  There were times that I thought I would never come out of the depression, gloom and dark fog that surrounded me.  I believed I would always be there, that I was being swallowed up by it and consumed; all the while much of me believing that if I was, it would be what I deserved to have happen to me, as atonement for my unforgivable sins.  Years later, I know better, I know that dreadful time was for my grieving and was necessary to find my peace and come to terms with my past choices. 

Many women that I work with in therapy are interested in knowing how they will know when they are "healed" from their abortions.  Sometimes the people who attend the retreats are wondering the same thing, even feeling somewhat guilty, if they don't feel 'healed' by the end of the weekend.  I've had some say, "I'm afraid to come to the retreat, what if it doesn't work and what if I'm not healed by the end?"  My response is, "you'll be healed when you are healed, don't try to encapsulate it into a defined time period, because grief doesn't work that way."  I encourage all people who approach me in various ways seeking the release from the pain and sorrow they feel to wait and listen and allow the process to happen in their hearts and minds and bodies.  I am honest with people, I always share that they will know when they are healed because they will be able to think of their lost children and not be overcome with emotions, whether they are guilt, sorrow, longing or some other personally disturbing emotion.  This is a personal process, grief always is.  Abortion leads to a complicated type of grief that takes an enormous amount of time to work through, before the final stage of acceptance can be eased into with any kind of permanency.  Many people are miserable and want instant relief and a quick fix, but I'm afraid the best we can do is help them cope with their symptoms as they allow this long and painful process to unfold. 

Those of us who have had involuntary abortions, in the sense that we felt coerced instead of willing and ready for our choices, will have a scar for life that will never go away.  What does eventually go away are the ways in which we torture ourselves as we come to terms with why and how we came to be post-abortive.  The symptoms that take over and derail our lives subside as we work through the pain and grief, step by step and little by little.  It is a painful process, which is why so many people divert their attention elsewhere and avoid facing the truth of the pain head on, leading to differing ways of numbing our pain through various types of addictions/distractions and poor methods of coping.

It is not easy or quick or painless, but healing is possible for those who seek it and are willing to do the emotional, mental and soul work that is necessary.  A happy and fulfilling life can be ours again, even for those struggling after an abortion, but we must work through it instead of running away from it.

Forgiving Myself

The struggle of forgiving ourselves for our abortions is the greatest and toughest common denominator I see in all of my work in post-abortion healing.  We all wrestle with the feelings and thoughts of NEVER believing we deserve to forgive ourselves, and with the questions about whether or not we REALLY are forgiven by God.  I hope these words will help to clarify the path to working through this spiritual and emotional conflict, and lead you to a sense of peace and understanding.

Accepting God's forgiveness for our abortions is a decision and a choice that we make in faith.  God invites us to do this, and we must be open to receiving His grace for our sins.
     1 John 1:9 tells us, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." I believe this verse holds so many paramount truths for the post abortive world.  I believe God included the word "all" for us, because we feel our sin is greater than any other!  It is confusing to think of God being "just" yet forgiving us for this particular sin.  We think that justice for what we have done would be for us to die too.  We feel that is what we deserve after we have chosen abortion.  Clearly, that is not what God has in mind.  Jesus died on the cross, so that we all may have forgiveness and salvation.  For all sins, he died, and ALL sins are forgiven.  And not only does he forgive us, but he also purifies us of our unrighteousness.  Have you ever felt dirty because of your choice?  Have you ever felt you could never bathe yourself enough to ever was away the filth of what you have done?  I've been there, I too felt that way before; but it is a lie the accuser uses to keep us in bondage, to keep us believing we are unworthy of the grace God has extended to us every minute of every day we live.

Today, make the choice to accept God's forgiveness, even though you may not feel it.  Make the choice to accept your own forgiveness, even though you may not feel it or believe it.  Accept these gifts by faith, not sight or feeling.  Accept them to be true, because you know God is faithful.  Because you know he is just.  Because you know he is righteous.  Remember that when we can't accept his forgiveness, we cannot forgive others.  If we're not accepting grace, then grace cannot flow out of us to others.
1 John 3:20 tells us, "whenever our hearts condemn us.  For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything."  It is no doubt that our hearts will condemn us, and that the accuser will condemn us, but God is greater than our hearts and definitely greater than our adversary.  We must reaffirm each time this lie flies up in our faces and remind ourselves that we have confessed our sins and that God has forgiven us, even that we have forgiven ourselves.

Don't wait on your heart to agree with your head.  It will not happen for a long time.  Your choosing to accept the grace God gives, and further extending that grace to yourself, is a worthy choice that assures God that you believe his promises.  He has made it clear in his word that our confessed sins are forgiven and cleansed.  Every time you hear the accusing words start again in your head, say to God in the silence of your head or as loud as you want with your voice, "I have accepted your forgiveness, Lord and I thank you for helping me forgive myself.  I believe in your faithfulness.  I believe in your grace.  Thank you, Lord for purifying me today."  Believe me when I say that over time, you will have peace of mind, when it comes to accepting God's forgiveness and forgiving yourself.  I promise you, if you practice this prayer and meditation, you will feel in your heart what your head knows is best right now.  May God bless you as you accept his forgiveness and extend that grace to yourself.  

 

Thought loops

     Lots of thoughts clamor around in my head; back and forth, in and out, up and down.  Making sense of the the mumbles and whispers, and even shouts at times that make my heart pound is scary and tiring.  How many times do we think a thought before it is a dead thought, a waste of time, I sometimes wonder.  Why do I think the same things over and over again and expect to understand the answers more clearly?  Is "beating the dead horse" going to get me anywhere?  Apparently my mind thinks so, it keeps revisiting over and over the same areas and thoughts.  Psychologists, counselors and others call these thought loops.  They play over and over and become quite intrusive at times, seemingly taking away our ability to focus, concentrate and maintain our serenity.  These thought loops are sometimes productive.  Sometimes, I think they draw attention to areas we still need to keep excavating and examining for meaning and connection and purpose in the grand scheme of our lives; they are the why's, the how's, the what-if's in life.  They're like someone, whose trying to get our attention, who stands beside us pecking on our shoulder, "excuse me," they might say, "have you thought about this yet...," or "maybe it's this..."  It is endless and natural, and we can only hope, productive at times.  Productive in that they reveal to us new bits and pieces of understanding into who we are, how we arrived at our current state of being, and our unique purposes in life.

"It's My Mom's Fault"

     There is a strong correlation in today's adults between abortion and abuse in childhood and adolescence, this is a proven fact.  These days there seems to be a bit of a tug of war between one side saying, "It's my Mom's fault how I act, she did this to me," and the opposing side, "You can't blame your parents for your life, take responsibility for yourself."  I think somewhere in between these two statements lies the full and complete truth.  There is a huge difference between blame and  acknowledgement.

     How we are raised, the environment in which we develop; the rules that we hear, spoken and non-spoken all contribute to who we are.  The behaviors modeled by the adults in our lives matter and do impact who we become.  The way we are treated makes a difference.  Dysfunction effects us, and along with everything else mentioned and much more, shapes us into who we are.  The experiences we have, the memories that are created, they are all a part of us.  Nature is only part of us, the way we are nurtured has huge implications in our lives, and ultimately in our choices.

     If we take a serious look at our pasts and determine in retrospect, that we believe we were mistreated or abused, this fact is very important for individuals to acknowledge.  This type of insight and understanding is so very important to helping us realize who we are and why we are the way we are; and further, why we may make the choices we make.  This type of introspection helps us to dissect our lives and gives us a clearer understanding of our identities, and the essence of who we are.

     To acknowledge the fact that our parents, or guardians, have in some way negatively impacted our development in a major way is not the same as saying their treatment of us is the reason for every mistake we ever make.  We can fully understand the precipitating events in our lives that may have caused us to be predisposed to making certain choices, while taking full and complete responsibility for what we have done.  Is it fair to say that our parents, guardians, and others share a portion of the responsibility for how we arrive at the decisions we make?  In many cases of abuse and neglect, I would answer a resounding yes, in many cases!  Especially in regards to the decisions and choices we make in early adulthood.  Those years, when we are first launched into this sometimes cruel and unforgiving world.  If we have been raised in a stable, loving and nurturing environment, where our physical, emotional and spiritual needs are being met, we are more likely to be able to make healthy, sound and informed decisions.  On the contrary, if we have suffered abuse and our needs have not been met, our choices are drastically effected by our states of mind and development, or lack there of.

     I am all about taking responsibility for my choices and where my life is at this very moment.  I own the decisions I have made.  I also acknowledge my upbringing and the abuse I withstood impacted my life in lasting and profound ways.  I continue on in my search to make meaning of all that has happened to me, and I hope you do the same.  Recognizing our histories is natural and necessary in our quest to fully understanding ourselves and developing into our highest and best selves.

Don't Give Up

Today I have a strong feeling someone out there needs to know there is hope for healing.  There is, I promise, I have experienced healing from my abortions.  There is nothing special about me, if I can receive this gift, so can you.  It took many years and much work for my healing, but I experience it each and every day.  Notice I used the present tense "experience" (my English teacher, Mrs. Moss would be so proud,) because the healing is ongoing.  It is a process, involving many intricate turns and jumps and tangents.  I remember doubting I would ever get there, believing I would NEVER forgive myself and would carry that burden until I died.  I fully believed it was what I deserved, and I know many of you have that same conviction.  Even after my retreat, though it was the icing on the cake for me,  I remember the doubts that would creep into my mind.  Thoughts like, "you're never really going to be healed from this,"  "you know you don't deserve to live, let alone heal and be happy,"  "how could you ever hope to heal after what you've done," "healing is just a word, it doesn't really mean anything, you're not like other people who heal, that's not going to happen for you."  Have you had these thoughts too, or similar ones?  It's all part of the process.  Here is what I learned to do in those instances, though I really didn't fully realize I was doing this and it was helping me, until down the road, when I realized it and understood how powerful it was!  I believe that was God's grace working through the Holy Spirit in me, as my intercessor, asking for those things I needed, but didn't know how to ask for.  In those instances of extreme doubt, I simply repeated what I knew to myself to be true and what I believed God had done in my life.  I repeated the truth over and over until I completely accepted it, and fully received it. 
     You see, it's a bit like the acceptance of our Lord as Savior, which brings back a memory of me as a young girl inviting Jesus into my heart.  My parents took me to church week after week at the age of six, and I came home in tears several Sundays in a row, as I felt a strong conviction that Jesus wanted to be my Savior.  My parents being concerned and not knowing what to say to me, took me to talk to our church pastor at that time.  I remember him asking me a series of questions in his office and demonstrating to me that if I wanted to accept Jesus into my heart and be saved, all I had to do was accept what He was offering to me.  To demonstrate this concept, he pulled out a quarter from his pocket and held it out to me. He had given me a concrete example of Jesus offering Himself to me as my Savior.  Our pastor then leaned in, after showing me the shiny quarter in his hand and asked, "now, Kim, what do you need to do to accept this quarter as your own?"  With wide eyes and a racing heart, I responded, "I just need to get it and hold on to it."  When these words burst, full and plump, out of my mouth, a big grin spread across this sweet man's face as he almost shouted, "Yes!"  With pride, I remember taking that quarter and hanging on every word as I overheard him explain to my parents that I was indeed saved, and did indeed understand what I was saying and doing at my young age.  This is choice I have never regretted, and now with every part of me that my faith has saved me in many ways through the years.
     When I had doubts about my healing, I would repeat to myself, sometimes aloud, "I know God has forgiven me and I have forgiven myself, and one day I will feel fully healed."  I would thank God for his healing that I trusted to come to me in His time.  This is the general message I wanted to feel, so I repeated it in varying ways over and over, even in times of feeling desperate and broken.
     You cannot force your healing to come.  I believe it takes just as long as it takes for you, and not a minute more.  I believe it comes in different ways and at different times for each of us.  I also believe, as I have said, it is an ongoing process that will not fully be completed until we are reunited with our lost babies in heaven.  When I tell you I'm healed, that means I no longer beat myself up for what I've done.  I have accepted that my abortions are a part of my history.  They are definitely not choices I am proud of, or would ever recommend for others; and accepting that they are part of me, does not make the choices right.  Someone once said to me, "I will never accept my abortions, because accepting that them means I'm okay with what I did, and I never will be okay with it."  I understand her point of view, but I disagree that acceptance of it means I think it's okay.  I accept they are part of my past and choices I've made, and I accept that God's grace covers even these sins, that in no way means I think they are "okay or right."  Being healed means I don't cry all the time about my abortions, or freak out when I see someone pregnant, or feel uncomfortable when someone says the word abortion.  It means on Mother's Day, I don't cry anymore that my children are not with me, but celebrate their loving existence in heaven with our Heavenly Father, and look forward to seeing them again in my future.  It means I don't loathe myself and hate myself for the choices I've made.  It means I don't live in fear of others' rejection and judgment should they ever discover abortion is part of my history.  Being healed means living with a greater sense of peace and a purity of joy inside my heart that is indescribable.  It means a deep and lasting closeness with my Savior, leaving me continuously amazed at how present He is in my life, no matter where I am.  He is present with you too, and He wants nothing more than for you to feel whole again.  Healing has nothing to do with what we deserve, and it has everything to do with His grace to overcome any and all sins.
     May God bless you with His healing in your heart and mind and body, wherever you are right now!  Please, believe He is calling you to a place of comfort and hope, and wants to accompany you on a journey to a quiet place of peace, rest and healing in your life.  Continue to pray and seek His face, asking for insights that bring his divine mercy and balm of Gilead, believing that you will be healed fully and completely one day. He is faithful and will answer you always.

Video Beyond the Dark Valley

Here is a great video for you to see.  May God bless you as you watch.

Coercion Has A Major Role In Many Abortions

     I remember one retreat participant one time was describing her history and experiences with having two abortions.  She described that both times her boyfriend then, now ex-husband, had wanted her to have an abortion, but she didn't want to.  The first time she said, she went along with him and had the abortion, not realizing the impact it would have on her life at the time.  She said she blocked out and denied the fact that it was a big deal to her until years later (sounds familiar).  The second time she said she didn't want to have the abortion and her doctor talked her into just coming into the office and talking about it, but went ahead with the abortion anyway, against her wishes.  As she described this, I thought about how I felt I had to choose abortion against my own will also, and how much a role coercion plays in so very many abortions.

     The first time I found myself in a crisis pregnancy, I remember feeling extremely forced to choose abortion because of the circumstances in which I was living: a failing marriage, complete lack of support being 300 miles away from home, an alcoholic husband who would not work and sabotaged my efforts to keep us afloat financially, poverty though- I was working two jobs, and having a baby already that I was struggling in every way to take care of each and every day.  I was the only adult in my marriage and we had a baby who needed to be feed and diapered and clothed.  A baby I already had to write bad checks to pay for his formula, while my husband was stealing money out of my purse that was supposed to pay for my lunch at work the next day.  And when faced with a pregnancy, he said, "whatever you want to do, it really doesn't matter to me."  We had a baby and I had witnessed no change in my husband's behavior, so what would warrant me thinking another baby would make him change?  He did not care about helping me take care of the child we already had, why would I think he would change if we had another one?  I was terrified, I was the one living in reality and trying to keep everything together, while he spent money we didn't have and acted like we were independently wealthy and never had to work for anything.  The overwhelming, drowning feeling I felt each day as I woke up, got dressed, took my baby to daycare and went to work coerced me into my first abortion.  We were on the verge of losing everything I was working so hard to accumulate for us.  We couldn't make our house payments, our car was being repossessed, we were three months behind on our bills and I couldn't even make ends meet working two jobs on my own.  I had the abortion, and shortly after, we separated.  I felt as if I had to save my first child and myself.  I felt as if it was my infant son and me against the entire world.  I felt desperate and so alone, while my husband was cold and distant and uncaring toward both of us.  I felt I had no choice but to have an abortion I never ever wanted to have.

     The second time was four years later under somewhat different circumstances, though there still were quite a few of the same fears clouding my thinking and perspective.  I had divorced my first husband and moved my home and my baby back to my home town.  I was making payments on my house and on my car and though there was very little extra, I was making it completely on my own.  I started dating a wonderful man, whom I loved very, very much and about a year into our relationship, I became pregnant again.  This time a different type of coercion took place.  This time I was so very worried about what my mother and family and co-workers would think of my being pregnant outside of marriage, in addition to making it on my own with two small children.  So, some of the fears were the same (financially and emotionally), with the addition of being freaked out and worried about disappointing and angering my mother.  It is difficult to explain the unbelievable power and emotional hold my mother had on me at that time.  I tried so very hard to be perfect to earn the love and approval I had always wanted/needed from her.  I was so afraid of her wrath and what she would think of me, it was consuming.  I felt I had to cover up and end the pregnancy to keep her from finding out.  I also didn't want to disappoint my father, though I didn't have the same fear of abandonment from him as I did her.  I couldn't stand the thought of my fellow teachers and my sixth grade students that I taught abstinence to finding out I was pregnant outside marriage.  At that time, it was not as commonplace as it is now.  It was a major, huge problem to be avoided at all cost in my family.  I had grown up hearing awful things about girls who got pregnant and were not married in the strict, religious family I belonged to.  Once again, I asked my boyfriend then, husband now, what he thought I should do.  Once again, I was told to do whatever I thought was best.  He didn't say, "I don't want you to have this," and he never mentioned marriage.
     Another major influence on my decision was the circumstances evolving in our relationship at the time.  Shortly after I found out I was expecting another baby, his ex-wife was moving his two children one hour away from him, and he told me he was considering relocating to the same town as them.  Once again I felt abandoned and alone.  Once again, I thought, "I'm on my own, it's me and my child against the world.  I brought up having an abortion, after I realized he was likely going to move and he didn't ask me to marry him.  We didn't talk about marriage or keeping the baby ever during this time.  I had the mindset that it had to be done and I would not allow myself to think about anything else.  I did not think things through, we did not talk things through.  I made the decision that I would do this, and I would never tell anyone, ever, it was to be a secret I would take to my grave, with no one else ever knowing about it. At times, the fact that no one knew about it was the only source of comfort I had. I pulled away from God and closed my heart and mind to His leading.  I did not seek His council, and didn't feel His presence in this storm.  Two regrets and losses among many pertaining to my abortions.

     I have discussed this issue with many women, and I know coercion is a major factor in many abortions.  I pray that we will do a better job of empowering our younger women to recognize, comprehend, listen to and use their voices in this world to make mindful decisions and declarations about what they want and about what happens to their bodies!  I now know the trauma I experienced in my childhood affected the growth and development of parts of my brain, and sequentially the decisions I made.  I was making decisions in my early adulthood the way that teenagers make decisions, based on fear of my parents getting mad at me, for example.  I was not an adult body with an adult mind yet, that didn't happen until later; and it was painful to get to that point, in fact I'm still working on it today.  I am affected today by the abuse that I suffered and denied for so long.  I am having to learn to live in a self created "safe place" in order to re-parent and nurture myself. 

I'm Baaacccckkkkk...............

I apologize for the long hiccup in between posts.  It seems my life has been quite upside down for the last while.  I needed to focus on many things at one time and unfortunately, I have neglected my blog, which happens to be very important to me and very close to my heart.  Please, forgive me.  I hope things have settled down, at least somewhat, now and I can get back to writing what God lays on my heart here.

I have felt torn and anxious about being away.  The blog enters my mind often, and I regret I have lost some of the information that bubbled to the surface that needed to be recorded here during my time away.  I will be in prayer that God would reveal more of that in His perfect time.

I strongly believe that the offerings here are lessons, or morsels of insights, that God is revealing to me in the right time and place, and I pray that some of them (selfishly many of them, honestly) may be helpful to you as well.

I have sincerely been frustrated about our inability to schedule our next retreat until just this week.  There were some roadblocks and obstacles that seemed to continue getting in the way of scheduling, which as the leader/planner/organizer of the retreats, was extremely annoying.  I have decided that instead of belly aching about it, and complaining, that I will instead revel in the fact that it now is scheduled and trust that for whatever reason, God's plan was for it to wait a bit, while things were sorted out.

We are now scheduled for May 30th--June 1st, 2014 for our Spring retreat.  I am thankful to finally be back in the books and looking forward to serving my heavenly Father in this way!!

At church this morning, the pastor was asking if God had shown us a vision of what He wanted our future to be and if we were working on getting where we needed to be in fulfilling that role in our lives, whatever it was.  I was thinking of God's calling in my life for post-abortion ministry and thinking about all that God has laid on my heart in do in this ministry.  I can honestly say I have a long way to go.  There is much to do, and Lord willing, I will do my best.  I pray that God will use the skills, talents and gifts that He has given me to reach out to those in need of healing following their regretted abortion choices.

Pray for me, as I seek to fulfill all that He has called me to do.  Pray that I will be able to do what is asked and take care of the necessary obligations in my life as a wife, mother and counselor as well.  Indeed, there is much to do.

Good information.

     There is some wonderful information that I just came across and want to share with you here.  I believe that knowledge is power, and this video contains some powerful knowledge!  This information is presented by Dr. Martha Shuping, a psychiatrist practicing in Winston Salem, NC.  To view the video, click HERE.

     Those of us who have regretfully experienced abortion can speak to the fact that much emotional pain follows this tragic "choice."  Many of us, who felt coerced into the fatal decision can testify to the fact that it creates a whole different level, or multiple layers of pain, to muddle through before you can ever even breathe the word H-E-A-L-I-N-G.  I do not need the APA to verify the pain I know I have experienced in my life due to abortion.  I have lived the nightmare of abortion's wake, and I for one, know it is undeniably real!

God Isn't Far Away

     My calendar now rests on September.  I love the poems that are in this little calendar, and I draw much inspiration from the words I find there.

God Isn't Far Away

He is the light of this day.

He is the sky above you,

the earth beneath you,

and the life of every living thing.

He is in every smile,

in every thought that gives you hope,

in every tear that waters your soul,

and in every moment you can't 

face alone.

He's the love on your loved one's face.

He's in the friends along the way--

in strangers you have yet to meet

and blessings you have yet to receive.

He's in every good thing

that touches you.

He is in every step you make

and every breath you take.

He is never far away.

                     

                                  --Nancye Sims

     My prayer today is that You will draw nearer to me still, Lord.  You know my needs and those of my family.  We are trusting that You will provide all that is needed in your perfect time.  We are resting in faith and hope for Your plans to be revealed.  We love you, Father and we trust that the plans you have for us are good.

 

Insight #100

   

  
      In looking at the blinking line to begin the title of this post, my mind was blank.  I knew I wanted to share in this post the insight that I gained last week about emotions being triggered by things that people say and why, but this is one of I don't know how many insights I have come to share here in this blog.  So, I titled it "Insight #100" and will continue up in number from here, so that I can sort these types of posts out from now on.  If you've read much of this blog you already know that I value insight in my spiritual life very highly, because I believe it is the window into our souls that God gives us to help us in understanding our purposes here in this world to bring Him glory.  I truly believe insight is among our present day manna from heaven!

     I realized this past week how important it is for us to dig deeper than our surface reactions to things that people say and do that hurt us.  I was in a meeting last week in which a group member erroneously accused me, in front of the present members, of doing something that had cost the group financial/social gain.  My feelings were hurt immediately and I felt angry, so angry in fact that I could feel the blood filling up my face and head.  This person had slighted me several times prior to this incident in private/personal ways, and now they were doing it publicly as well.  I instantly thought of all of the hours of my time that I had given to the project they had referenced and how belittled those efforts had been from this person's comments, but it went deeper still.  I felt belittled as a person as well.  I felt devalued.  I felt criticized, and as if my efforts would never be "good enough."  I could go on and on about the feelings that surfaced, but I'm sure you understand my point. 

     As the week went on and I thought of this incident and the effect it had on my mood and my thoughts, I realized it wasn't what this person had said to me that was really bothering me, after all it was only one statement, it carried little value, as other group members came to my defense and I defended myself and proved the accusation was false.  So, why was my response so strong and powerful that it took me days to recuperate from this?  The reason is the insight itself.  The reason this person's comment bothered me so much wasn't the comment itself, but all of the years of emotions that it triggered inside my heart, mind and spirit that gave it it's power.

     Without knowing it, this person of similar age and description to my mother, had triggered old pains and self beliefs that had been planted and nurtured by my mother throughout my childhood and early adult life.  She had opened the box that I try so hard to keep locked tight and in its neat place on the shelf.  When I thought so much work had been done on this issue, surely I was finished with it, but this incident, along with one similar just months before, helped me to realize I still have a long way to go in healing from the damage of my abuse history.

     So, plainly said, the insight is that it's not what someone says that hurts us so much, it's all the pain and anger and "junk" they trigger with their hurtful statement that really matters to us and stirs us so deeply.  In the world of psychology, this is called "unfinished business," and evidently I have some of it left to finish.  Maybe the next time you are hurt by something someone says you can ask yourself, "why is this hurting me so much," "does this remind me of someone else from my past or present life," "do these feelings I'm having relate in some way to my past hurts or pains, and if so, why?"  These are all valuable questions to ask yourself, if you want to get to the root of who you are and how you exist in the world.  Ask God to help you to understand at times like this that you can feel, as I do, bewildered as to why someone would treat another human this way, what could possibly be their purpose in doing so?  Perhaps, like in this case, He allows it to show us a deeper understanding of who we are.  Perhaps He allows it to draw us into a closer relationship with Him.  Wouldn't both of these possibilities be worth it?  For me, the answer is a resounding, "Yes!"

Finding My Voice

     I knew a long time ago that having my voice taken away from me at a very young age had affected my ability to understand, realize or say what I wanted to happen in the wake of my crisis pregnancies. I wasn't used to forming my own opinions, or thinking for myself, or being asked what I wanted. At that point in my life, I only thought of what my mother would say, or more accurately how angry she would be when/if she found out.  I did not realize it was not my mother, but myself, that I would have to face everyday for the rest of my life following the abortions.  I did not realize that I would grow into the ability to be a separate, fully functioning person without my mother's influence at any point in my life.  I was an extension of my mother, not a separate entity with my own worth and identity.  I was into my 40's before I was able to begin to find myself and figure out who I am and what had really happened to me.

     I have a strong, soul rooted desire to help women who are hurting from abortion, or from any other type of traumatic experience; and I know that desire stems from my history of pain and loss, and that it was all necessary for me to be who I am now.  It's all relevant, it's all valid, and equally important in the shaping of who I am.  How much more understanding I have for having suffered the abuse of my childhood, from the abuse in my first marriage, from the losses of my children.  All of that pain and loss and sorrow and suffering have made me who I am today, and have equipped me in such a way as to reach others who are hurting and in need of healing.

     My passion for helping is greatly fueled by the experiences I've had forging my path in this world.  It is all about the journey.  The journey from sorrow and pain to that of healing and restoration.  I want to assist others in walking that path, in finding their way back to the persons they were meant to be.  I do not believe God wants for our futures to be riddled with sorrow from our abortions.  I believe He wants us to accept the forgiveness and peace that He offers every minute of every hour of every day, and to live our lives in great joy sharing what He has done within us.  What witness does endless suffering have?  What purpose does it serve?  Contrast that with the hope that a broken person that has been healed brings to the world, and you will know which He values in our lives.  Jeremiah 29:11, that our pastor spoke of this past week, says it so well, "For I know the plans I have for you.  Plans to prosper you and not harm to you, plans to give you hope and a future."

     If you have someone in your life, who essentially has their hand over your mouth, stifling your voice and keeping you from being who you need to be, I hope you will ask God to take that hand away and give you the voice He intends for you to have.  I hope you will realize your worth and your value.  I hope you will take hold of the power you possess inside you and take it back from those that are trying to steal it away from you.  I hope you will reach out for help in finding your voice.  I am here for you.  I will pray for you.

Our Spiritual Lifelines

For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  Psalm 139:13-16

Surrender the Secret Episode 8

     My favorite scripture, Isaiah 61, is emphasized in this episode and so beautifully describes the post-abortive woman who has exchanged her shame and guilt for God's loving forgiveness and healing.  This episode is about bringing the study to a close and examining what will happen next in the lives of the women, including how they will go forward into the world and help others who are going through similar pain and sorrow.

     I enjoyed seeing the women talk about their feelings of longing to help others and their desire to follow God's will and plan for their lives.  I feel excited to think about their futures and the impact they will have on others in the various paths that they choose. When we come through traumatic events and times of great loss in our lives, and we reach out to God for help, healing and support, those times can be the most positively powerful and changing times of our lives.  They often are catalysts that pull us close to our Creator, helping us to develop a deep, intimate relationship with Him.  If we are able to look past the costs of those times, we can truly be thankful for them, because they often make us stronger, and more receptive to God's purpose for our lives.

      

Episode 7 of Surrender the Secret

     In this episode of Surrender the Secret, these brave women participate in a Memorial Service to honor their lost children.  This is a tender, sacred time of healing for those of us who have lost a child to abortion.  I like the way the women chose their own flowers to memorialize their children and the way the cross was displayed on the table, with their flowers mingled all around it.

     Writing and sharing a story to your aborted child is a difficult and cathartic task.  I remember writing to my children many years ago for the first time after completing a Bible study similar to Surrender the Secret called "Her Choice to Heal."  It was my first encounter with a tool to help women to heal from abortion, and was indeed my first attempt to make sense of the excrutiating pain that I was in emotionally and mentally.  I remember seeing the title of the book in a magazine in a doctor's office and immediately going to purchase the book at a local Christian Bible store.  I was petrified to bring the book up to the counter to pay for it.  I was so afraid someone would see what I was buying and know what I had done.  I was so shrouded in secrecy in my life at that time, yet so hungry to hear someone else's post abortion story, so in need of help in figuring out what was happening to me.  I did bring the book to the register, and with my eyes cast down allowed the nice lady to ring up the book.  She did not comment on the book, nor did she look at me with judgment that I could see; and I have always been thankful for that moment.

     I remember writing my letter for the first time.  It felt odd to acknowledge my children as  real people, instead of  "bad choices" or  "terrible regrets."  For the first time I was able to separate what I had done from whom I had done it.  There was  more to that day than just what I did. I had to face the fact that in heaven waiting for me, are two precious beings, who are my children.  It was difficult to speak to them at first.  For so long, I had not allowed myself to acknowledge their lives.  I did in that sort of suspended place that I believe is denial, but I had not allowed it deep in my soul where it counted, where it needed to be for me to work on healing.  In order to write the letters, I had to consider who my children were and what their lives had meant to me up until that moment.  It was a difficult task, but after I finished, I was so glad I had pushed through it.

     The women in the series shared from their hearts in their letters to their children.  We have been blessed by hearing their letters and witnessing the work they are allowing God to do in their lives.  They are inspiring and humbling as well.  I am thankful for their willingness to share with us.

Wonderful Retreat!!!

     This past weekend was our Spring Rachel's Vineyard Post-Abortion Healing retreat, and it was such an amazing experience!!  We had a small group of five, as we usually do, and it was so wonderful to share in the healing journeys of those who attended!  It is such a blessing to be a part of a ministry that touches lives in such a profound way!  All weekend I had the comforting feeling that I was in the right place at the right time doing exactly what God has asked me to do with my life, and believe me after years upon years of praying for a vision of what that would look like and be, it is an  indescribable feeling of deep contentment.

     The retreat weekends are such unique experiences of personal growth, spiritual healing and bonding on a deep level with others who have walked the same path.  If we didn't do anything all weekend other than talk about our experiences and get to know others who understand the deep and all consuming pain of abortion, we still would come away blessed and changed by the experience, but the weekend retreats encompass so much more than that!!  I believe Theresa Burke, the co-founder of Rachel's Vineyard and author of the retreats, did an outstanding job of incorporating opportunity after opportunity for the participants to invite healing into their lives through our personal Savior, Jesus Christ.  It is the spiritual healing that is received in the weekends that makes the difference in peoples' lives, it is Spirit ordained transformations that are lasting and life changing!!

     We have a group of facilitators who are all caring, Christian, non-judgmental women whose lives have been touched in some way by abortion.  One of our facilitators is an ordained, female minister who offers her wisdom and understanding of the Scriptures during our spiritually healing exercises.  We are blessed with a personal chef, who prepares each and every meal lovingly on site by hand just for our group.  We provide our retreats in a beautiful country estate that has been lovingly restored and rebuilt by people inspired by God to provide a warm, welcoming and cozy home away from home for those who are on healing journeys following all kinds of trauma and loss.  Every window you look out at the retreat center, you see pastures and mountains and rolling hills.  There are numerous places on the property designed for quiet contemplation and meditation as well.

     What a blessing to get away and be able to allow God to move and work in your life for an entire weekend with like minded individuals in need of the same help as you are, with experienced, caring facilitators to guide and support you throughout the weekend as you seek and receive God's gifts of grace and mercy!

Mark 6: 31 shares such a special message for those of us who are hurting and in need of His infinite love and comfort,   Jesus said to them, `Come away with me. Let us go alone to a quiet place and rest for a while.'

      

      If you or someone you love are hurting and in need of healing due to pain and regret from an abortion experience, I pray you will reach out and call or register for our next weekend retreat.  We will be scheduling the next retreat in the next week, and it will take place in October of 2013, you may check back here on our website for an exact date, or visit www.rachelsvineyard.org for a list of retreats being offered in your area.  Please, remember that our site is Interdenominational and that all Christian religions are welcome to attend.  Call us at 828-919-8020 for more information or just to talk about your experiences and needs.