Abortion and Birth Control

I have encountered people in my work that believe that if a woman has had more than one abortion, she must be using it as a form of birth control. Speaking as a woman who has had two abortions and have counseled many women with multiple abortions, and continue to counsel them, I disagree strongly.

One example that comes to mind took place when I was dining with a very nice, Christian woman, whom I had previously met in a photography class. That evening at the restaurant we were discussing ministry work. She talked about her family touring to perform and preach from place to place and all of the work they had done as foster parents over the years for troubled youth. I was impressed at how dedicated they were and imagined all of the young males that they had given safe harbor to and assisted over the years they had committed to doing this type of ministry.

We both agreed that we had felt a kinship during our semester long class together and felt perhaps God led us to each other to open a door for another kind of ministry he had planned for us to do together. We talked about opening a youth program involving the arts in some way, since we both had skills and experience in artistic endeavors. We were enjoying a wonderful time talking about all of the options and possibilities.

Then the conversation turned to my ministry work and what that looks like. I shared about Rachel's Vineyard and the weekend retreats that we offer as an Interdenominational site, and she was immediately interested to hear more. She openly shared that she had an abortion when she was a teenager and had kept it a secret all these years. She further said that she was okay and didn't think about it very much and didn't feel it was an issue of grief for her. I shared that I had experienced abortion too and that I had struggled for many years to cope and accept these losses and their impact on my life. She caught the plural reference I had used and realized I had chosen more than once to have an abortion. Her demeanor and body language immediately changed and she shrugged her shoulders and said that women who have more than one are just "using it as a form of birth control," and tagged something derogatory that I cannot recall, to the end of her sentence. In that moment, watching her face and her eyes that would not meet mine, I could physically see her judging me for the same exact experience that she had had all those years ago. She discussed no further our collaboration in ministry work and we soon wrapped up our dinner together. I could tell she was uncomfortable and wanted to flee the scene, and I felt somewhat dismayed as I realized the fullness of her denial, as she hid behind me to keep from judging herself.

She wasn't the only person, there have been many. Another woman that comes to mind attended a retreat that I facilitated. Though she had had an abortion when she was in college, the sharing of my abortion experiences revealed a strong sense of disdain and judgment for the sins I had committed. It is so clear and definitive when it happens, there is no mistaking the change that takes place in those who judge.

I think it is interesting that we even judge each other for sins that we have both committed, errors that we both have made. Why do we do that? Why do many of us do that? It has always felt so bizarre to me to consider, because in my experience of meeting and hearing the story of women who have had three or more abortions, I do not consider myself better than them or able to stand in judgement for them whatsoever. Rather, my inclination is to think about how much harder it must be to carry that burden from day to day; it compels compassion and empathy in me, not condemnation and superiority.

I believe we as people need to take a moment and realize that we are all humans, incapable of perfection and flawed in a variety of ways on and on to infinity. We need to realize how much power words have and the consequences of words we utter without taking the time to consider how we would feel on the receiving end of those words. We must stop hurling blanket statements at others regarding experiences and choices, and yes mistakes, with which we have no experience and or comparison to understand. Even if I stand by another post-abortive woman and we share of our experiences in those cold, closed places, our stories will be monumentally different and varied, as will our reasons for and beliefs about those experiences.

Research has shown that having multiple abortions is the greatest indicator of trauma, in many instances giving the woman a method or pathway for continuing to reenact her shame, self-loathing and grief, to name a few, that she has become so accustomed to in her past experiences. These are not conscious thoughts or plans or behaviors, but ones that happen covertly through our choices and decisions, or lack thereof, that lead to the abortions.

I remember a supervisor many years ago, when I first started my counseling career who, one day in consulting about a teenage girl's case, said, "well, if she is not taking birth control, then she is trying to get pregnant!" She made this statement definitively and continued to repeat it, in response to mine and another co-worker's expressions of disbelief, I would imagine. I remember thinking, "that's not true in my situation. I wasn't taking birth control, but I absolutely, positively was NOT trying to get pregnant!" However, sometimes I have to wonder if subconsciously I was trying, without even knowing it. Let's put it this way, I was not consciously, knowingly not taking birth control so that I could get pregnant and have an abortion, of that I am positive. I remember the utter and complete panic, crippling fear and overwhelming emotions that erupted with being informed that I was with child; no one in their right mind would choose for those experiences to happen.