Surrender the Secret Episode 5

     Episode 5 focuses largely on forgiveness of others surrounding the abortion choice, and accepting God's forgiveness completely, because of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross for us.

     I loved that the study emphasizes what forgiveness is NOT, along with what it truly means.  There are so many pitfalls in this area, when we are trying to process our anger and forgive others, or accept forgiveness ourselves.  Many of us have believed the myth for so long that forgiving means that we accept what has been done to us, or what we have done as "okay."  Those of us who have chosen abortion know that it will never be okay that we did this.  I am so glad that this distinction was made here, and that the point that forgiving does not minimize what has taken place, or dictate that we should just be completely fine with what has happened.

     Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation, is another point that was touched on, and I believe it is so important for us to understand this.  I remember as a child and a young adult, it was so easy for me to "forgive and forget."  I would forgive and just pretend that whatever had been done to me did not matter, that everything was just fine.  Now, I understand that it does not work that way.  Sometimes the infractions against us are so evil and so hurtful that we feel we cannot ever forgive what has been done, let alone, forget about it.  But, God states for us very clearly to forgive, because we have been forgiven.  So, out of obedience to God, to follow His instruction for our lives, we must choose to forgive, and then ask God to fill those angry spaces with His love.  Still, even in doing this, it is not always healthy for us to go back to relationships with those who have hurt us on such a deep, psychological level, especially if they hurt us over and over again. 

     I don't think I had ever heard it said that the Bible does not identify a need for us to forgive ourselves for things that we have done, only to accept God's forgiveness.  I am still thinking this point through and mulling it around in my mind.  Kelly pointed out in this episode, "forgiving ourselves and accepting God's forgiveness are almost two different packages."  I currently believe they are two separate packages.   But, as I'm processing this, does that mean I am putting myself on God's level, granting the blessing of forgiveness right along beside Him?  I can never see myself on the same playing field as God, there is no way to even make this comparison, it would be compeltely ridiculous to do so.

     In my mind, if we accept God's forgiveness, and do not forgive ourselves for an abortion choice, this is a sin, because we are placing ourselves as higher judges than God.  This was the point that drove my decision to finally make the choice to forgive myself, as I outlined in this June 25th, 2012 post.  I felt I could accept that God could forgive me, because He said He will forgive anything that we confess with a pure heart, and I knew I truly confessed my sin to Him desperately seeking His forgiveness; but I vowed within my own heart, "I will NEVER forgive myself for what I have done."  I wrestled with this for months and months, as God patiently showed me that forgiving myself was an act of obedience to Him; and that even if I didn't feel in my heart that I could forgive myself, I must make the choice to do so in reverence to my Creator.  Now, after watching this episode I'm thinking, "is forgiving myself more of a deeper acceptance of God's forgiveness, rather than a separate form of forgiveness?"  I will pray about this point, and write more in a later post about what God reveals to me.  It is definitely an interesting point to ponder, and I am grateful for the show for bringing this question into the light for me.

Surrender the Secret Episode 4

   

   
     Other duties have kept me from being able to watch the next episode of this series until last night, but it's been on my mind, and I look forward to it each Tuesday.  This episode focuses on the anger that surrounds an abortion decision.  I believe the anger is one of the hardest phases to work through, especially if you are from a background like mine, where you were not allowed to express anger and other negative feelings, and anger was constantly modeled in the most inappropriate of ways.  As the women in this episode discussed, and Vanessa verbalized in her side segment, the anger starts way before the abortion decision is ever made.  Then it is compounded by the hurts that happen during and in the time of the abortion. 

     It is normal to feel angry with many people after an abortion.  Many of us fight these feelings and push them deep inside our psyches, so deep in fact that we may not even know, or acknowledge that the anger really exists; or worse, we internalize it and blame ourselves completely and solely for our choice.  Our abortion choices had many contributors, even people who were unaware of the crisis pregnancy at all.  As Jill touched on in her letter to her parents, "why did you not stop me, why did I feel I couldn't come to you for help."  There is a direct proven link between abuse in childhood and abortion choices.  Abuse can take on so many different forms, it is no longer the old definition of children being beaten black and blue, burned with cigarettes or locked in closets.  We now know that verbal and emotional abuse is just as damaging, if not more so, and can have long lasting, even devastating consequences.

     In order to work through the anger that surfaces in working through your feelings about your abortion choice, a level of deep acceptance of the anger needs to take place first.  Please, don't fight the anger, it is necessary, it is healthy, it is acceptable to us and to God.  What we do with the anger is often where the problem comes in.  I'm not saying it's okay to take your anger out by mistreating your spouse, your children, your friends or anyone else in your life.  I'm talking about honest anger that is to be dealt with in healthy and constructive ways.  Simply allow the feelings to come, and don't fight them, then do something to get them out of you, as you saw in this episode, writing a letter and ripping it up is constructive.  Burning the letters is constructive, it is taking the anger outside of your body and disposing of it in such a way as to harm no one.  Praying about it and asking God to take the anger away and release it from you is a wonderful tool in dealing with anger.  Asking God to replace the anger with His love for the people that hurt you is a powerful way to release the anger and give yourself a sense of peace and calm where there may have been resentment, anger and even hatred at times.  As you pray these prayers, breathe out the anger to the air in long, slow, deep breathes, while visualizing God's loving hands surrounding it and making it dissolve into nothing.  In doing this, you are giving the anger away to the One and Only that can make something good out of something bad.  Many people journal about their anger, or they write many letters, each one allowing a little of the anger to be expelled at a time, this is healthy.  Talking about it and expressing it to a trusted friend or relative is constructive, crying and screaming and wailing is acceptable when you are alone or with someone you trust very much.  Even physically releasing the anger is healthy if you enjoy physical activities, beating a punching bag, or pillow is cathartic at times.  Just do what you need to do without hurting yourself or anyone else, and it will be beneficial; the most important point is to not fight the anger, instead accept that it is how you feel in this moment.  Feelings change, emotions come and go, they are not facts.  Just because I am angry today, that does not mean I'm going to be angry tomorrow or next week.  It is just an emotion like any other, and if we can step back from it and look at it in this way, it helps to minimize its power in our lives.  The distance will allow us to have a new perspective about these negative emotions.

     Many people worry that if they start to allow themselves to feel the anger, that it will consume them.  They feel overwhelmed by anger, and uncomfortable with the anxiety that accompanies anger.  That is because in general, we haven't had healthy experiences with this emotion.  Many people use anger in destructive and manipulative ways, and this leads to many hurt feelings, and damaged relationships, and broken hearts.  It's hard to convince someone who has kept it bottled inside for years and years that it's okay to go into that anger, that they may feel overwhelmed in the beginning by this strong emotion, but that it is healthy to deal with it.  Holding it inside only leads to disease and for many, emotional and psychological problems that can span a lifetime.  I hope that you will allow yourself to feel the anger and will release it in healthy ways.  As the women demonstrated with the rocks, if it is not released, it is baggage that goes with us everywhere we go, weighing us down and keeping us from our fullest potential, and robbing us of peace and tranquility in our lives.  The anger that is left to fester will only cause us emotional pain, while those that we are angry with continue on with their lives oblivious to the fact that they have hurt us at all many times.

     And finally, by taking a good, long, honest look at our anger without allowing it to control our lives, we stand to gain an amazing amount of insight and personal growth from having experienced it and worked our way through it.  I think insight, understanding the underlying reasons we feel and do the things we do, is one of God's greatest gifts to us.  It is quite a blessing to have a clearer view of our lives and the pain we have experienced, when it allows us to grow and make changes that have lasting and empowering results in our lives.  The insight only comes if we unabashedly invite it into our lives, without fear of what will be revealed to us.  We open the door wide to the blessing of insight, when we look, even trembling, full on into the face of our deepest emotions, with anger being a primary one.  One of the reasons that anger is so important for us to work through is that it masks so many other things.  I remember early in my counseling career a trusted mentor sharing with me the analogy of the onion and peeling away the layers, as being the same thing we do in therapy.  We begin to peel back what we see on the surface (anger, outbursts, relational problems, eating disorders, addiction, etc.) to have a closer look inside what is driving these behaviors (hurt, rejection, fear, loneliness, poor self-esteem, psychological damage, etc.). 

     You and I are brave, whether we feel that we are all the time or not, we absolutely are.   If we are willing to work at understanding our lives, our thoughts, and our behaviors; our pasts, and our presents, that takes courage.  We have everything to gain from working on this, and nothing to lose but heavy "rocks."

Surrender the Secret Episode 3

   
      Today's episode was difficult to watch, because the harsh reality of abortion, and what we have done as women who have made this choice is undeniably awful!  No matter how much healing a person goes through, or experiences, this fact remains unmovable and irrevocable.  The reality that there was life, and our choice to abort ended that life, leaves a void in our lives that can never, ever be filled.  Our children are gone, and can never be replaced.  My heart goes out to the women in our world, along with the women on the show, who are living daily with the pain of regret from an abortion choice, no matter how long ago that abortion may have taken place.  My heart aches for the innocent lives that are ended daily around the world, as one statistic shared in this episode shows us, 1.5 million abortions taking place each year, making this the most common procedure among women.  How long will this continue?  How long before enough of us share our stories of regret to break through the denial of the pro-choice rhetoric?

     This episode was largely about the lies that are told to women convincing them that abortion is an okay option, because the life inside them are really just "tissue."  I have to say, I do not really feel I was "duped" by the system so to speak, though I agree it is a huge lie that is told to many that "abortion is a simple procedure that removes some unnecessary tissue and you'll be fine soon after it's over."  That really didn't factor into my choice.  I was deceived by the lies of the enemy much more so than the actual clinic itself, and I do realize that the enemy is also behind those lies as well.  I remember a constant barrage of lies from the time I opened my eyes in the morning until I closed them at night, and it was very much an attack on my mind and my emotions, not to mention my body, with the incessant anxiety and panic of being alone in a crisis pregnancy situation. 

     I remember thoughts like, "you can't afford to take care of another child, you can barely care for the one you have now," "you can't make ends meet working two jobs as a single mother now, and you think you can add another child to the household, that's ridiculous," "your boyfriend doesn't want you or love you or want to marry you, if he did, he would ask...so if you got married and had the baby, he would just be stuck with you and you've already had one failed marriage, and now you think you can have another marriage?"  "What will your parents say, you know their Cardinal rule has always been no children out of wedlock,"  "your mother is going to be furious, she'll leave you and never look back if you tell anyone you're pregnant and not married," "what will your students think, aren't you the hypocrite that's always preaching abstinence to them?"  On and on the constant taunting would go, and all day long the panic and feeling of extreme loneliness and isolation as a woman trapped in a "horrible" situation.  My boyfriend was there, but all he had to offer was, "whatever you want to do, I'll support you."  I told no one else about the pregnancy for many years.  I have never felt so alone in my life.  I remember feeling that I had to make myself hate the life inside me, in order to go through with the abortion, as if my baby was the one to blame.  I think one of the things that made it so traumatic for me both times was, I didn't enter into it with the denial that "it is just a blob of tissue" as I hear many women say. I knew I had a life inside me, and I knew on some stifled, buried and disconnected level that this life was precious, and I did not want to end it, but felt I had absolutely no other choice... no other option in the world to do anything other than what I chose to do.  So, I made myself do it against my own will, against my own beliefs, against my own moral code as a woman and a mother, against basically everything that I hold true to my heart about being a Christian.  For me, the fact that abortion is called a "Choice," something the pro-choice agenda uses as a positive, is absurd to me.  I felt I had no "choice" whatsoever, if I had I would hope that I would have chosen something different. 

Episode 2 of Surrender the Secret

   

    
     Yesterday, on Surrender the Secret, the ladies from the group shared their stories, with the exception of Vanessa.  This episode was so powerful to watch, and so heart wrenching at the same time.  Sharing the stories of our past abortions is one of the hardest things to do in our lives, and there is no way to go into that story without dredging up images, memories, and emotional pain.  Healing does not erase these components of a past abortion, it only makes it easier to bear, what we once thought was unbearable.  In our healing retreats, sharing our stories is equally hard as it was for the women in the group on this show, so beautifully put together by Knock TV.  But, the sharing brings cohesion and unity to what may be an extremely varied group, along with building trust that is absolutely essential in any healing setting.

     I was thrilled as I watched to see no condemnation or judgment within the group as stories were shared, this will mean that trust can develop and that each woman will feel freer to share what her innermost thoughts and emotions are moving forward.  I must underscore the importance that any time we discuss our abortions, or share of this personal information, we must do so in a SAFE ENVIRONMENT, as you witnessed in this episode.  A safe environment isn't one where people stroke our egos and tell us it's okay that we had abortions, it is a place where all of our shortcomings and mistakes can be brought into the light without someone running in to judge us or tell us how awful we are.  No one in this group denies that abortion was wrong, in the results for their children or for themselves and their relationships; and if you listen closely, you can hear the language that each woman uses to describe her regret and struggle with self acceptance due to her former choice.  Especially, in the early stages of a woman's healing journey, we must be so careful about sharing these intimate details with others; as we may unknowingly open ourselves up for further emotional damage.  I hope that as time goes on, many more can come to participate in this type of safe environment in which to grow and heal, by attending one of our post-abortion healing retreats.

     I am so thankful for the courage that Kelly had in sharing her story of having had two abortions.  She is speaking for so many women, myself included, when she shares of her second abortion, and how equally painful, if not more so it was for her.  Some people, even women who have had one abortion, sometimes have a difficult time understanding how a woman could make the choice to abort multiple times.  The fact that a person has more than one abortion speaks to the emotional trauma that that person has endured in their lifetime.  It often follows a lifetime of abuse in many cases, and indicates many times a chronically dysfunctional relationship with ones mother.  A person who chooses abortion more than once has a deep seeded psychological need to recreate the trauma she has come to know in her life; to generate the defamation of her own character to make her circumstances fit what is her "norm" again, and this may happen over and over and over again, until some catalyst changes or interrupts this cycle.  It is extremely difficult to stop abusing yourself, when that is what you have been lead to believe you are worth in this world.  Words and ideas like self-love and self-respect and self-care are non-existent in the lives of the abused.  Further, if you've never been allowed to feel your feelings, or to express them, or even how to identify what they are, when faced with a crisis pregnancy, there is no way you can think through and predict the consequences of your actions or your possible thoughts and feelings after having an abortion.  There is very little hope that a woman in this situation would be able to make a wise, careful and informed decision; which makes her extremely susceptible to having more than one abortion, and making many, many relationally poor decisions.

     I hope that many will gain understanding, as they watch these episodes in the future, that there is so much more to the picture, than just the abortion(s).  I hope that many will see that abortion is just one of the symptoms women exhibit from past pain in their lives.  Abortion is pain made manifest.  Pain that ironically produces even more pain and tragedy in the lives of the many who choose it.  Please continue watching with me, HERE,  as we watch the journeys of these five, strong women in the next several weeks, with Episode 3 airing online on February 5th, 2013.  And if you are interested, we have another retreat coming up soon, on March 15th-17th, 2013, and we still have slots open for it.  Call me now to register @ 828-919-8020.

Roe v. Wade Anniversary/Surrendering The Secret Episode 1

     It's been forty years, since the landmark case of Roe v. Wade decided that abortion is legal.  Forty years.  It is estimated that 43% of women of childbearing years have experienced at least one abortion.  This is an astronomical number of losses, totaling more lives lost than all of the world's wars put together.  My heart aches to think of the children lost and the mothers and fathers whose lives are never the same after abortion touches them.  It truly is heart-wrenching, this "right" that we have to "choose."

     I wish that somehow, the people who fight so vehemently for the right to choose could walk one day in the shoes of the post-abortive woman or man who lives with a huge and undeniable void in their lives because of a past choice to abort one or more of their children.  I wish they could understand from the perspective of the woman suffering Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, or Post Abortion Syndrome how damaging psychologically the actual procedure in itself is, and how it changes who you are forever going forward in your life.  The ironic reality is that so many that make this choice don't even feel that they have a choice, but that abortion is their only choice and the only way, seeing at the time, no other possible solution.  And then once they do this awful thing that they don't want to do in the first place, there is NO coming back from it.  When they leave that clinic or Dr's office, their lives as they knew them are over.

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     I watched with great anticipation the first episode of Surrendering the Secret on Knock TV last night.  I was filled with a thankfulness the entire show for the willingness of some to broadcast the truth about abortion and its aftermath; and even more importantly the forgiveness, healing and peace that comes from our Lord, if we seek Him with all of our hearts.  I am proud as a Christian to watch this exceptionally made show, knowing that in doing so our voices are being heard and growing stronger.  I am so thankful for this effort, and I commend the team at Knock TV for producing this in such a timely way! 

      As a therapist, I have sat in a circle of people just like the one on this show more times than I can count; and every single time, be it a group I am part of, or something I participate in as an observer, I am touched by the individual and unique humanity of us.  I thoroughly enjoyed watching this episode, as I could almost feel what the women were feeling as they entered into these scary and unchartered waters.  I am so impressed with their willingness to share, knowing their deepest feelings will be exposed to any and all who watch this show.  I am thankful, as a Christian and as a post-abortive woman myself, for the voice that is given here to the pain of abortion and to the mercy and healing that is available for us to receive from our precious Savior and Creator.  I am so appreciative for the individuals that care enough to put this show together, and amazed at how far we are coming in our ability to reach out to others all over the world with the truth about abortion and its devastation.  Thank God for Knock TV, and I will continue to pray for each and every participant who works to make this show possible. 

     My most paramount prayer is that abortion will end.  I pray that women and men will come to understand the horrors that result in this choice.  I pray that our young women will know the lies that trapped so many of us older women into having abortions are just that--lies that our enemy uses to lure us into a place of captivity, so that our lives can be negatively impacted, so that our joy can be robbed, so that our purposes will not be fulfilled in this world.  We must do our best to educate our young girls and boys about the possible pitfalls before them, so that the generations ahead of us will not be impacted in this horrific way.  It is our responsibility to expose the lies that cover and hide the truth from our young people.

     I hope you will join me in watching the rest of the episodes in this season of Surrendering the Secret.  The journey with these courageous women will be deeply touching, and a wonderful learning opportunity for those of us who have "been there." Next week in Episode 2, they will be sharing their stories, perhaps the most difficult part of the study.  You may watch it HERE.  I pray that as you watch, if you too are hurting from abortion, that you would reach out and begin your own healing journey.  That may be through doing the Surrender the Secret Bible study on your own, it may mean beginning therapy, it may mean attending a retreat, it may mean simply talking with a trusted friend or relative about your secret pain.  Whatever your need is, whatever your decided next step may be, I pray that you seek God in helping you and guiding you forward; because aside from Him, there is no real healing, of that I am certain.  I will pray for you as you take the next step that is right for you.  May God bless you.

God Will Take Care Of You

     As I do every new year, as I'm sure you do too, I ordered a new calendar to hang on the board above my desk last week.  I wanted something uplifting and empowering, with lovely art work to look at for inspiration also.  When I opened the calendar and looked at the picture and poem for January, I knew I had ordered just the right one for me.  Now, I can't stop reading the perfectly written words that hang peacefully there; and I want to share them with you, in hopes that you also may be uplifted by them.  They are written by Linda E. Knight, and are based on the scripture of Hebrews 13:5, "For He has said, I will never leave you or forsake you."  Which happened to have been extremely powerful and meaningful words for me during a dark time in my life, perhaps that is why this strikes such a deep chord within me.

May your heart 

find peace and comfort

in the knowledge

 that you are never alone.

May God's presence ease 

your spirit and give you rest.

He knows how you feel.

He is ever aware of your circumstances 

and ready to be your strength, 

your grace, and your peace.

He is there to cast sunlight

into all your darkened shadows,

to send encouragement through the love

of friends and family, and 

to replace your weariness with new hope.

God is your stronghold,

and with Him as your guide,

you need never be afraid.

No circumstances can block His love.

No grief is too hard for Him to bear.

No task is too difficult

for Him to complete.

When what you are feeling 

is simply too deep for words

and nothing anyone does or says

can provide you with the relief you need,

God understands.

He is your provider--

today, tomorrow, and always.

And He loves you.

Cast all your cares on Him...

and believe. 

(Taken outside the chapel at my retreat.)

      

Aren't these words beautiful?  Don't they speak so sweetly to the post-abortive heart?  I love the line, "When what you are feeling is simply too deep for words and nothing anyone does or says can provide you with the relief you need, God understands."   I believe this is my favorite part of the poem.  It is true, there are times and moments when no one can help, except God.  But, what if we've shut Him out?  Where is the hope then?  The answer is there isn't any hope without Him.  None.  But, hope may return, if only we open the door again, and let Him in.  He will listen, He is present always, but He will NOT knock the door down and barge in, we must invite Him.  The choice is ours.  The choice is yours.

The World Has Changed

     I was listening to a radio station this afternoon, while cleaning up the dishes that I didn't get to yesterday evening, and heard the announcer talking about a couple of musicians that are dating and have just found their dream villa to live in; and then the female announcer finished by saying, "maybe there will be a baby nursery in there somewhere...first the baby, and then a marriage maybe?"  She made this statement with no negative connotation or inflection in her voice, and it gave me pause.
     I thought about how much things have changed since 1997, when I felt inadvertently coerced into my second abortion.  Huge determining factors in my second abortion decision were disappointing my parents, and making my mother angry, along with being judged by my peers and my students, as well as the church.  I was raised in a strict home and taught that getting pregnant outside marriage was an extreme "no-no."  It was about the worst thing a young woman could do to her family, and of course, there was the ever present, "What would the neighbors think, if they found out!"  In other words, my eyes and mind were on everyone else basically, EXCEPT me and God, when that relationship was the most important concern I should have had.
     So, what am I saying?  Am I saying that I think we should tell young woman to do whatever feels good, and if they get pregnant outside marriage it's fine and not a problem?  No, not at all.  What I propose we do is start at the very beginning, in raising and nurturing our girls to be strong, confident and smart young women, so that when they step out into the world, they are secure in themselves, in their bodies, and most importantly in their faith and relationships with God.  
     I suggest we teach our daughters, sisters, and nieces that they are valuable beyond measure and that the reason they should abstain from sex before marriage is that they will be happier, healthier and safer in every aspect of their lives, if they do.  That they don't have to use their bodies to give or receive love or feel desirable and worthy, that if they will stay by His side, Jesus will guide them each and every step of the way, showing them their worth and goodness, with zero negative side effects. 
     I hope we can educate our girls about the lie of the media, yes, I said the lie, that many of us moms buy into as well; the one about the TV girls/women, the ones that have to be a certain size, or have a certain look, or hair, or clothes or zip code, and on and on it goes.  Our message to those females that we care about, and males too for that matter, needs to be that we are all unique individuals created in God's own image; and we need to look no further than Him to find out who we "should" look like and be.
     I pray we teach them NOT TO EVER DO ANYTHING THAT IS AGAINST THEIR OWN MORAL CODE IN LIFE TO PLEASE ANYONE ELSE, NO MATTER HOW IMPORTANT THOSE PEOPLE ARE IN THEIR LIVES.  To do this, which is what I did with my parents (especially my mother) in my second abortion decision, goes against God in a powerful and mighty way; and I firmly believe God takes this very seriously and that the relationship we put in front of our relationship with Him will suffer tremendously for it.
     The most important thing that we can do as parents, aunts and uncles, and sisters and brothers for our young people is to instill in them the need for a close and personal relationship with our creator.  I'm not talking about Church or Sunday School, although those definitely have their place, but most importantly I'm talking about a real, tangible, intimate friendship that is strengthened and nurtured through prayer and praise and worship on an very personal and private level.  You see, I'm convinced that what really matters in our lives is the time we invest seeking our Lord with all of our hearts, in quite times of contemplation and really LISTENING to what He has to say to us.  Times of shutting out the noises are so important!  Instead of praying and talking about what we want, we need to say, "here I am, Lord, listening for your voice..." and then just waiting to see what He says and believing in faith in what is being spoken to our hearts and minds.
     Lord, I pray that our girls will face the world with one thing, and one thing only on their minds, and that is pleasing you and seeking you; because I know one of the most important secrets a girl could ever know in life, for a fact.  I know that if we seek You, and listen to You, and follow You when we're 16, 19, 23, 27 and on and on, and never part from You, then when we get to be that 40 something year old woman in the mirror looking back at us, we can say, "I don't have any regrets about the life I've lived. I've sought God's will in every choice, and prayerfully did my very best, and I hope beyond words that I have pleased Him."  SEEK***LISTEN***FOLLOW: this is Your winning formula.
     Boy, I know my life would be different in several ways, if I had known this secret 20 some years ago.  I wish I could have gone into the world knowing I was worthy, not because of who I am, but because I had Jesus in my heart.  I wish I'd known that although I'd been abused and beaten down, that God didn't want that for me, that I didn't need to go out and find that, or recreate that again just to feel normal, but that I deserved better.  I wish I'd known what to ask God for in those days moving forward toward the exit signs down east.  And most of all I wish I'd never looked away from Him, because as I look back now, it's during those times that I sure did make a mess of things in my life.  And those times have had repercussions that have/will last a lifetime.