Monday, March 19, 2012

Rachel's Vineyard Retreat

     I co-facilitated a Rachel's Vineyard Memorial Service yesterday.  Our retreats take place twice a year, once in October and once in March, and they are unbelievably powerful!  I listened as mother after mother stood up to tearfully and arduously share something that she had written for or made for her lost child, and share with the group her grief and sorrow regarding her decision to terminate the life of her child.  Many of these women had been struggling with carrying this burden for 20 or more years.  Can you imagine torturing yourself about this choice for two decades?  Can you imagine the self-loathing, the self-hatred, the unbelievable sorrow and darkness these women have felt?  Can you imagine how much the quality of their lives and their other relationships have been impacted by their hidden griefs.  My heart goes out to each of them. 
     There is so much fear wrapped up in carrying this secret grief.  Words aren't enough to describe what post abortive women go through as they try to manage their lives and deal with the sorrow of not having their child(ren) in their lives, through their own choice to abort, at the same time.  As I've said in other posts, the majority of women who abort do not want to do it, but feel that they have no other possible choice instead.  They can truly see no other option.  So, this loss is no less painful than the woman who experiences a miscarriage, then you have the guilt on top of that pain of loss.  The guilt of knowing that you are responsible for the death of your unborn child, and that you have survived instead of your child; this survival guilt is often debilitating and paralyzing.
     The retreats are designed to free women from the guilt that they have been carrying, their own responsibility is not shirked by any means, it is accepted and each and every woman comes to the realization that yes, she had an abortion(s), and yes, it was a sin and it was horrible and awful and it has left her with a gaping hole in her life; it has often caused her more physical pain than she would ever have imagined, (for example through, breast cancer, ovarian damage, and sterilization); it has shrouded parts of her life in secrecy and shame due to the fear of judgment and rejection from others, it has caused immeasurable psychological damage, often leading to depression and PTSD and anxiety symptoms for many years following the abortion.  Retreat participants go through a rigorous weekend of psychological, emotional and spiritual work as they bring this sin and all of its consequences to the loving and forgiving hands of Jesus Christ, and ask for and accept His healing touch in their hearts and minds. Hopefully at some point during the weekend, the participants will finally be able to forgive themselves and fully accept that God has forgiven them as well.  The transformation for the fully open and participating woman or man is something to witness, it is amazing to see God's hand working in the lives of these people.  The memorial services offer closure to those who have lost their child through abortion and have not had the opportunity to have the end of their child's life memorialized and put to rest.  Finally they have a safe place to return to on those days that they miss their child(ren) so deeply that it is difficult to function, should they choose to do so.
     These retreats are not magical, they do not take all of the pain away forever, but they help to put to rest some of the evil strongholds that post abortive women grapple with.  These participants have to continue to face day after day without their child(ren) in their lives, that consequence never goes away, so the grief never completely dissipates, but it is truly manageable following their retreats for most of the participants.  The extent on which they rely on Jesus to heal them, determines greatly how much peace is experienced following the retreats.  I would greatly recommend Rachel's Vineyard Retreats to anyone who is struggling with the reality of life after an abortion choice.  Check out their site and schedule here, retreats are scheduled worldwide.  I hope that you will go, if you need this type of ministry, I know it is a sort of scary thought, but you are worth it, and if you are post abortive, you need it!

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Myths about abortive women

     There are many misconceptions about women who choose to have abortions.  People judge quickly when they hear this word, and whether they mean to or not, often subconsciously prescribe various character traits to those making this "choice."  Let's examine some of them, and dispel them with the actual facts:
  • Women who choose to have abortions are promiscuous, sleeping with many people at the same time.
  • Women who choose to terminate their pregnancy do not care about their unborn child.
  • Women use abortions as a form of birth control.
  • Women choosing abortions are selfish and self centered.
  • Women who abort their children are "trashy."
  • Women who choose to have abortions are feminist.
  • Women who choose to terminate pregnancies are cold and uncaring.
  • Women who abort their unborn children are flippant and nonchalant about the fact.
  • Abortive women enjoy having the right to choose what happens to their baby.
  • Abortive women are "proud" of their decision to terminate their pregnancies.
  • Women who abort do not grieve their lost children.
  • Those who terminate do not have the right to grieve their lost children.
  • Those who abort are fully aware of their choices when they make them, and go into this procedure with their "eyes wide open."
  • Abortive women see their choice as a convenient solution to their inconvenient pregnancy.
  • There aren't any consequences for the abortive woman for her "sins."
  • The abortive woman understands all of the possible side effects of her choice to have an abortion.
  • Abortions are no different than any other type of surgical procedures, in terms of mental and emotional impact.
  • Women are informed of all of the risks of their abortions through pre-op counseling, and make this poor choice anyway.
  • Women who abort make their choices with  clear minds and a clear consciences. 
  • Women feel empowered by their abortion choices, and their right to choose what happens to their bodies.
      These are some of the generalizations that people assume are true of a woman choosing to have an abortion, and for the vast majority of women who do make this unthinkable choice, they are not true whatsoever.  The reality is that most women who have an abortion(s) are women just like any other, they are in our churches, our schools, our workplaces, our social groups and everywhere there are people.  The majority of women who terminate their pregnancies do not want to make this choice, but feel there is no other alternative.  It is impossible, unless you are in that crisis pregnancy, for you to understand the shear panic and tunnel vision that is experienced.  I am convinced that there is a central fear for each and every woman who thinks of having an abortion, a fear that is so deeply felt and experienced at the core of her very soul and being that involves the very same psychological and physiological responses of a person in a life or death situation, who must fight to save their own lives.  I am further convinced that if we could reach that woman and get her to face her fear, assuring her that we will help her to fight and defeat her fear, we will help her to see a different choice, either keeping her baby with the promise of support to help her, or for adoption to a family who is waiting for a child they cannot produce themselves.  This is how we stop abortion, this is how we fight this monster, not through judgment and condemnation.  We need to educate our daughters and nieces and sisters about the need to value our bodies and how to make extremely wise decisions where sex is concerned.  We need to tell them and show them what good choices look like.  We must model this type of behavior for them and tell them they are worth having their needs met, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  We need to make sure they understand that there is a way to avoid the horrifying choice of abortion that can and will devastate the rest of their lives.

     Instead of judging the abortive woman, try to put yourself in her shoes for a minute.  Try seeing the world from her point of view.  Try, even though you don't know what she has experienced up until that point, to imagine what her thoughts are, how she sees herself and her unexpected and unplanned pregnancy; try to imagine what her fears might be, what obstacles she sees in front of her that are so enormous that she cannot see around them, try to feel the overwhelming panic she feels, try to hear the clock ticking that she hears, the anger and rejection from others that she is anticipating, the reality that she does not have the means to feed, clothe, and nurture a child, and try to feel what she feels inside her own body, the trapped, desperate, gripping sensations that plague her day and night, and the incessant feeling of isolation and solitude that she is experiencing.  Abortion is not a simple choice, anyone who sees it that way and judges it that way is completely out of touch with the reality of what the abortive woman faces.







Wednesday, March 14, 2012

You don't know what you don't know.

     This seems like a complete no brainer comment, "you don't know what you don't know."  It is such an important and profound statement, that it should have a huge exclamation point at the end with flashing neon signs around it.  I can't emphasize enough the blindness experienced by the woman facing a crisis pregnancy.  There are so many issues standing in her way of thinking, reasoning, and planning.  There are so many variables that may or may not impact her decision making abilities:  how old is she, not just chronologically, but emotionally? does she know how to make decisions based on what she wants and needs? is she more concerned about what her co-workers, boyfriend, or parents will think of her being pregnant right now, or more concerned about what she thinks and about what is best for her unborn child? does she have the means to support herself and a child? does she have support emotionally, financially, and physically? has she been abused in her past? has abuse and rejection and devaluing behaviors of others prevented her from seeing her own worth and the worth of her child? if she sees herself as worthless, is the child's worth and value of paramount concern? is it even a factor?

     It is so common to look back a decade or two later and say, "I couldn't even see that I had options, let alone identify them and process them to come to the conclusion of what a solution would look like."  That's what I mean about not knowing what you don't know.  It takes emotional maturity and insights to make good decisions, especially big decisions like getting married and/or having a baby.  If we have not been allowed to mature developmentally appropriately, because of trauma or abuse in our lives, it hinders us from first of all knowing that what we think and feel really does matter, and secondly, what we need in terms of making decisions for ourselves, matters more than what anyone else in the world thinks, or might say about what we do.  If an unexpectedly pregnant young woman has been taught all of her life through others' actions that what she wants and needs is not important, and is taught to be invisible or only be concerned about what makes momma and daddy happy, then that young woman will do what she feels she has to in order to keep pleasing mom and dad and anyone else in her world that she does not want to disappoint, and what she thinks or wants will be in the much too distant background.  It's impossible to make a baby invisible, and if that's been your real mode of operation all your life, and if that's your main survival skill, then what would you think you would have to do when faced with a crisis pregnancy?  You would try to make your baby invisible, abortion would allow you to do that.  It would look like the only available option that you have.  If all of the cells of the flowchart came back to making mom and dad happy, and you knew that having a baby outside marriage was not going to make them happy, and without making them happy you are in the position of complete and utter rejection, and abandonment, then you would make the choice to make them happy, which would mean making the baby disappear, there's the option of abortion again.  This is the most awful, nasty, hopeless place to ever, ever, ever find yourself in, when abortion looks like a good idea, something has gone horribly wrong!  Because, I can promise you all of the denial in the world will not be able to drown out the longing you will have for your child the rest of your life.  It may seem like, "it's just a procedure, it'll be over with in a little while and I can go on with my life, and it'll just be my little secret and no one will ever have to know about it;" but all of that is a lie, as one of my former pastors used to say, "That's a lie, born in hell and raised by the devil!"  Amen!

     I wish I could be there every time a young woman finds out she's going to have a baby; and instead of it being the most wonderful news she could ever receive, it's the most horrible thing she can imagine happening to her right then at that time.  I would like to whisper in her ear that I know how she feels, and put my arms around her and tell her that no matter what that main fear is in her heart and in her mind at that moment, that I can and will help her over come it.  Whatever that obstacle is, that in her minds' eye is an impossible giant that she could not possibly beat, we will find the means to defeat it and overcome it.  I wish I could tell her that if I don't know the answer, I'll help her find out what it is, that I will not leave her side until we find the option that will keep her baby alive, because it does matter, and it is real, and she will never get over it if she takes her baby's life away.