Often when we think about abortion, our focus of concern is on the mothers, because the baby was conceived within the mother's body, and it's the mothers who experience the physical act of abortion. However, the fathers who also conceived a child often struggle with the pain abortion can cause, whether they supported the abortion choice or not.
If a woman chooses to have an abortion, even though her partner and father of her child does not support this decision, it can cause incredible feelings of anger and resentment from the father toward the mother, be it his wife or girlfriend. If the rejection of the idea of abortion is not respected and valued within the couples' relationship, a deep rift can occur. This rift is not impossible to repair or heal, but it does require an incredible amount of love and validation within the relationship, not to mention a great deal of time and patience on the part of both partners as the healing evolves.
If a man assists his wife or girlfriend in the affirmative decision to have an abortion, he still has lost a child, and may at a later time need to address this loss, and go through the grieving process in order to heal and cope with the fact that his child is no more, even if the initial response is a feeling of relief. Even men, who insist that the mothers of their children have the abortions, will often later regret their decision and wish that they could resend their former votes for the abortions to occur.
Another scenario is equally represented in the men who think they are doing the "politically correct" thing by leaving the decision and choice completely up to their partner. It sounds good, after all doesn't society trumpet that abortion is a woman's choice to do what she wants to do with her own body, and to deny her that choice is unconstitutional. Even in this situation, you have a man who has at least a 50/50 chance of losing his child. Sometimes the woman in this type of situation welcomes the ability to make her own choice, but sometimes she feels abandoned and alone in making her decision, and wishes desperately that the father of her child would stand with her in fighting for that child's life.
Either way the situation works out, if you are a man and have lost a child to abortion, your loss is valid and it matters. Whether you supported the idea of abortion or not is not relative to the fact that you lost fatherhood in this situation. You may struggle with feelings of anger, resentment, helplessness and hopelessness. You may fight bouts of depression as you grieve for your lost child. You may suffer relational problems due to the circumstances of the abortion decision. Whatever your situation or the circumstances surrounding your loss of fatherhood, there are resources to help you, and there is hope for you in overcoming this loss.
One of the many things that I love so much about the Rachel's Vineyard retreats is the emphasis for healing for fathers following a pregnancy termination. At these retreats, you, as fathers, have the opportunity to share your feelings openly and honestly with others who understand your loss, and you get to honor your child in the process and find the closure that you need. I would encourage any male who has lost a child to abortion to attend a weekend retreat to work on the grief that you have for your lost child. Oaks Studio is proud to be establishing a new Interdenominational site with our first retreat as a new site occurring on the weekend of October 19-21st. For more information on the new site, visit HERE.
Oaks Studio is also committed to helping fathers who have lost children to abortion, no matter the situation in which it occurred. Please check out the Fatherhood Losses page of the website for additional information and resources for working through your grief and loss issues. May God bless you as you work in this important and valid area of loss.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
A Little Bird
This morning I was awakened by a little bird chirping and singing so sweetly outside my bedroom window. I don't know what kind of bird it was, but immediately I thought of the sparrow and the reference to them that Jesus makes in Matthew 10:29-31:
What a powerful message to be reminded of on days like today, when I feel small and unimportant. I have to remember the value that Jesus places on my life, and internalize that as I think of my own worth as a person. He doesn't say, "if you've lived this way," or "if you haven't done this or that," he says definitively, "you are more valuable to Him..." That is what matters. Looking forward to the future and doing our best to live for Him now is what matters. The enemy will try his best to remind us of the past and what he wants us to believe that makes of us, but Jesus is about now, and He is ready in every moment to take us in. He loves us for who we are right now. I love the quote: "Persistence not Perfection." He does not expect us to be perfect, only to try our best to be like Him in everything we do, in every decision we make. When we fail to do that, the best outcome possible is to try to learn from it, not repeat it and help others to not make the same mistakes.
"Not even a sparrow, worth only half a penny,
can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it.
And the very hairs on your head are all numbered.
So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to Him
than a whole flock of sparrows."
What a powerful message to be reminded of on days like today, when I feel small and unimportant. I have to remember the value that Jesus places on my life, and internalize that as I think of my own worth as a person. He doesn't say, "if you've lived this way," or "if you haven't done this or that," he says definitively, "you are more valuable to Him..." That is what matters. Looking forward to the future and doing our best to live for Him now is what matters. The enemy will try his best to remind us of the past and what he wants us to believe that makes of us, but Jesus is about now, and He is ready in every moment to take us in. He loves us for who we are right now. I love the quote: "Persistence not Perfection." He does not expect us to be perfect, only to try our best to be like Him in everything we do, in every decision we make. When we fail to do that, the best outcome possible is to try to learn from it, not repeat it and help others to not make the same mistakes.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Getting Ready for Work
I have prayed for as long as I can remember for God to show me what he created me to do, and how He would use my life for His glory. Then for years, I knew He wanted me to serve in the post-abortion ministry, but I struggled to know how and when and where. Believing then that I was ready, and completely prepared, He knew better.
In 2007 something awful happened in my life, and I believe it was the final step in His plan for preparing me for this very necessary work. The one thing that had been holding me back from jumping into this ministry with both feet was gone. You see I wanted to answer God's call in my life, but I didn't want my parents and extended family to know about my abortions, so I would hold back and subconsciously say, "if not for that, I could do it, but what about that?" I never had these thoughts in my conscious mind, but He knew they were there, He knows everything about us, down to how many hairs are on my head, and yours, right now. Of course, He could see that what was holding me back from answering His call was my family, so one day, they were gone. No, they didn't all die at the same time, but it was as if they did. Our family encountered a horrible evil that divided our family and put numerous people, my husband, my baby, myself and my niece, at risk. That evil sought to destroy us, and it nearly did. God knew this would be the ultimate test, and another very dark passage for me to go through; and He knew that through it all, He would carry me. At times I did not want to go on, but I had an infant to take care of; at times he was all that motivated me to get out of bed. The family that I feared judgement from had turned on me, and was responsible for this dark time; and now we cannot come back from it.
When you go through something like that, it changes who you are. You realize that if your biological family does not value you at all, then what does it matter of other people? I had spent my whole life hearing, "what would the neighbors think?" Well, now I think, "who cares what the neighbors think?" I care about pleasing God, my Father, the Creator of the Universe, and He never looks at me in shame, He has never abandoned me; and He will never fail me. If I am living in His will and my life is for Him, what do I care if people like me, get me, value me, or judge me? I used to be so very afraid, no absolutely terrified, that people would look down on me because I had two abortions, and I had to lose my family to realize it just doesn't matter anymore. What matters to me now, is using what I know, have been through, have learned through my life and the regrets that I have to help other women and men to end their struggles with the strong holds that come along with having an abortion(s). Nothing matters to me more now than answering His call in my life.
Of course, I have some fear about not "doing it right," and just different insecurities like that, but don't we all? I have to hold onto the fact that I can do all things through Him, and continue seeking His will in what to do day to day. I see doors opening before me, and prayers being answered left and right, and I KNOW He is leading me to start this new site. And just as I told the woman at the retreat center who confirmed this morning that our space is reserved for the first weekend retreat, "there is NO FEELING IN THE WORLD like knowing you are right where God wants you to be and doing exactly what He has called you and created you to be!" No feeling in the world! I am so excited to see what He has planned for us. I am so excited to be able to be a part of the ministry that He has called me to be a part of! Pray for my protection and for my family's protection and for this beautiful team of facilitators that have answered their own callings, and for our ministry and that of Rachel's Vineyard, for all who assist us, and so very importantly, the women and men that He is sending to us for the first retreat. I can't wait to meet them! May God's will be done in all things on earth as it is in heaven!
In 2007 something awful happened in my life, and I believe it was the final step in His plan for preparing me for this very necessary work. The one thing that had been holding me back from jumping into this ministry with both feet was gone. You see I wanted to answer God's call in my life, but I didn't want my parents and extended family to know about my abortions, so I would hold back and subconsciously say, "if not for that, I could do it, but what about that?" I never had these thoughts in my conscious mind, but He knew they were there, He knows everything about us, down to how many hairs are on my head, and yours, right now. Of course, He could see that what was holding me back from answering His call was my family, so one day, they were gone. No, they didn't all die at the same time, but it was as if they did. Our family encountered a horrible evil that divided our family and put numerous people, my husband, my baby, myself and my niece, at risk. That evil sought to destroy us, and it nearly did. God knew this would be the ultimate test, and another very dark passage for me to go through; and He knew that through it all, He would carry me. At times I did not want to go on, but I had an infant to take care of; at times he was all that motivated me to get out of bed. The family that I feared judgement from had turned on me, and was responsible for this dark time; and now we cannot come back from it.
When you go through something like that, it changes who you are. You realize that if your biological family does not value you at all, then what does it matter of other people? I had spent my whole life hearing, "what would the neighbors think?" Well, now I think, "who cares what the neighbors think?" I care about pleasing God, my Father, the Creator of the Universe, and He never looks at me in shame, He has never abandoned me; and He will never fail me. If I am living in His will and my life is for Him, what do I care if people like me, get me, value me, or judge me? I used to be so very afraid, no absolutely terrified, that people would look down on me because I had two abortions, and I had to lose my family to realize it just doesn't matter anymore. What matters to me now, is using what I know, have been through, have learned through my life and the regrets that I have to help other women and men to end their struggles with the strong holds that come along with having an abortion(s). Nothing matters to me more now than answering His call in my life.
Of course, I have some fear about not "doing it right," and just different insecurities like that, but don't we all? I have to hold onto the fact that I can do all things through Him, and continue seeking His will in what to do day to day. I see doors opening before me, and prayers being answered left and right, and I KNOW He is leading me to start this new site. And just as I told the woman at the retreat center who confirmed this morning that our space is reserved for the first weekend retreat, "there is NO FEELING IN THE WORLD like knowing you are right where God wants you to be and doing exactly what He has called you and created you to be!" No feeling in the world! I am so excited to see what He has planned for us. I am so excited to be able to be a part of the ministry that He has called me to be a part of! Pray for my protection and for my family's protection and for this beautiful team of facilitators that have answered their own callings, and for our ministry and that of Rachel's Vineyard, for all who assist us, and so very importantly, the women and men that He is sending to us for the first retreat. I can't wait to meet them! May God's will be done in all things on earth as it is in heaven!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)