Thursday, September 27, 2012

Before My Retreat

     I feel the Lord has been encouraging me this week to share what it was like in the weeks leading up to my retreat, in hopes of reaching out to someone who is considering coming to a retreat and fighting similar battles to mine in getting to my retreat.
     The word FEAR comes to mind more than anything else, when I look back at the weeks prior to my retreat.  It is probably the most powerful tool in the arsenal of the enemy, and in an ironic way:  evil uses the tool of fear to encourage the choice of abortion in the beginning, and then uses it later to reinforce our captivity and to strengthen the ties that keep us bound to a life of shame.  It is a convenient and easy tool to use, not to mention effective, and the weeks leading up to the retreat are certainly fertile ground for this seed to take root and produce the fruit of continued self-condemnation and ridicule.
     I first discovered Rachel's Vineyard because I was online looking one day at resources regarding starting a non-profit organization to assist women and men in dealing with post abortion pain.  I knew at this time that God was calling me into this type of ministry, but was unsure in what capacity He planned to use my life.  I came across the website for Rachel's Vineyard and was immediately attracted to the thought of attending a retreat, where I could actually talk outloud in the presence of others about my abortions, which was an area of my life that was still very much a secret, and a burden to carry.  I had been through several Bible studies, had read books and worked through my issues on my own and briefly with a counselor as much as I could, and felt I was "healed" and ready to help others. And had done so in volunteer work at my local Pregnancy Care Center. He spoke to me that day through the computer in opening my eyes to Rachel's Vineyard and their work, God, in all His wisdom, was revealing His plan for my life.
     I remember in the late summer, early fall of 2009, feeling very conflicted about going to my retreat.  On the one hand, I welcomed as I've shared the opportunity to give my pain a voice and very much the ability to be part of a group who understood that special and delicate type of pain.  On the other hand, I didn't know who these people were, and the thought of getting together with strangers and sharing these indescribably painful and horrific details of my most intimate thoughts and feelings with them scared me.  Of course, I feared rejection and judgment the most, but there were other things too, like, what if I know someone there and they'll know my secret?, what if I don't like it?, what if I don't feel safe there?, what if I get lost going there?, what if I can't afford it?, what if my husband doesn't want me to go?, what if it would be a waste of time, maybe I don't need it, what if the facilitators are judgmental and cold?, what if the other participants are mean to me?, what if it doesn't help me?, what if it makes me uncomfortable?, on and on the list of thoughts, the "buts" and the "what if's" flowed day and nightly almost, in my dreams even.  
     I continued to pray.  I continued to seek God's will.  I knew, bottom line, that I wanted to be healed, and I wanted His will to be done in my life, and if I knew that He was calling me into this type of ministry, then I would have to do some things that took me out of my comfort zone.  I knew I would have to step out on faith and do things that would have unpredictable outcomes.  Also, at that time I was still dealing with an unbelievable panic attack issue that had started during my graduate work in obtaining my counseling degree.  I couldn't speak in front of others, even in smaller groups, I would feel a lump in my throat so big that speaking and breathing were difficult.  Even writing this right now, I can feel the lump rising in my throat as I recall the memories of a time that this anxiety response ran my life.  So, the thought of being a part of a group, and having to talk about anything, let alone my abortions, was extremely difficult for me to consider for very long periods of time.                Nevertheless, I talked it over with my husband, who was very supportive of me going, and we decided it would be a positive experience for me in helping me move forward with this type of work.  But, as the enemy saw movement toward the retreat taking place, he turned up the heat a little more and a little more, until the last few days before the retreat became almost unbearable.  
     This is a normal and very common response for participants of the retreat, and the leader of my site at that time knew this, so the day before the retreat, when I was literally still sitting on the fence of "should I stay or should I go," she called me to reassure me.  I was flooded with relief when I heard her voice on the other end of the phone line.  Shelley encouraged me to come, she reassured me I could leave if I didn't like it, she shared how powerful and healing her retreat had been and how much it had changed her life, she shared how wonderful it felt to be healed and she attributed a great deal of her healing to her retreat; and I was touched and moved by all that she shared.
     Even still, with all that she shared, I still had no idea what to expect, no idea the type of treat I was in for over the course of the weekend.  And what a treat it truly was!  I don't want to share too much, as I don't want to take away from the surprise and delight that comes from discovering something new to us.  I will say, if you are teetering on the fence I sat on those weeks before my retreat, please make the decision to step on over to the side of coming to the retreat, and allowing yourself this beautiful, God-breathed retreat and program.  You will be so glad you did.  You will spend the weekend immersed in the Holy Spirit, seeking God's face and truly forgiving heart that longs for you and your healing more than you could ever imagine.  If you allow yourself to, you will break through the surface of your psychological numbing and fear based hiding, and will be led through the depths of your pain and sorrow, only to discover your lost child and healing for your own woundedness in the process.  You will experience blessings on top of blessings throughout the weekend, and you will leave the weekend with the bittersweet longing to return there again and again to receive the healing that can only come from time alone with Jesus.
     I pray that you will come, if you feel God speaking to your heart to come.  I've known from the beginning of organizing this new site that He would assemble the team of facilitators that He wants to be there, and will bring the group of women and men that He wants to minister to together for the weekend of October 19-21st, 2012.  I choose to rest in His faithfulness.  

Lamentations 3:22-23 says "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; GREAT is Your Faithfulness!"

See ya there! :)

Monday, September 10, 2012

Pro-Life experience this past weekend

     I was offered the opportunity to volunteer in the Pro-Life booth of our town's festival this past weekend, along with the opportunity to pass out information about the upcoming retreat and Oaks Studio ministry.  I was thrilled to be asked and anticipated my time there all last week.
     After more than a week of anticipation before the festival, I found myself experiencing all kinds of mixed emotions during my time in the booth this past Saturday.  I felt at times relief to be in the company of others passing by that were proud to see our display and joined in our pleas to end abortion altogether; some of the time I was met with resistant, almost insulting glares from passers by that clearly were pro-choice; then at other times I was met with people who clearly had a heart for the unborn, and were so completely confused by the desire of any woman or man to "stop a beating heart in the womb."  It was clear to me, as I presented the fact that many who choose abortion are hurting themselves, that we have a long way to go in educating people about the pain of the post abortive woman or man; along with cultivating a compassion for them, rather than the old stand by judgment and condemning of them.
     At times I felt I needed to guard myself against the judgement I felt from some that were volunteering with me, luckily, I had been prepared for that through the Holy Spirit.  While I felt the need to guard myself, I am thankful that I did not feel devastated by this; rather I was reminded that I am forgiven, and that my sins are not greater than God's grace.  I felt relieved that I could come and go and continue in this ministry knowing that I am more than the sum of my two abortions, knowing that God, in His infinite power, grace and wisdom, can use my mistakes and poor choices to minister to others who are hurting.  That's my desire now.  My heart's desire has always been to please Him, even though during darker times I strayed away from Him and found myself in serious messes.
     I feel bad for the people I met who voiced no sympathy for the women and men who choose abortion, but rather seemed filled with a hate for them and a strong desire to make their condemnation known.  I heard myself saying several times, "have you never been in a dark and desperate place, a place where you could not hear God's voice, and could not see any other option but the sinful one?"  We have all been there, in some form or another.  Maybe we didn't choose an abortion at that time, maybe we chose adultery, or thievery, or dishonesty of some kind, the sin does not matter, sin is sin.
     In one of our weekend retreat activities, we stand with Jesus and the accused woman, and Jesus says to the Pharisees, "let the one among you without sin, cast the first stone," and that is what I kept hearing in the back of my mind as I looked at these indignant people, standing on the side of "truth," that had no love for the sinful person who chose abortion.  When we start to do what Jesus did; love the sinner, not the sin, we will become more like Him.
     It's no wonder it took more than a decade of work to come out of my grief and despair about my abortions.  It's no wonder the hardest part for me was forgiving myself for what I had done.  For many years I stood with these indignant people in condemning myself, in hating myself for the choices I had made; not one shred of compassion for myself to be found, but that was not of God, that was the enemy in all his finest, spinning his lies of hate and vehement accusation toward my soul.  He nearly convinced me that I was unlovable and unforgivable, that my sin was too great, that I had finally pushed the limits too far, and that God would not have me back again. I let him convince me almost to the point of taking my own life to atone for those of my children, but thank God I didn't.  The enemy was wrong.  They are wrong.  Abortion is a sin.  I've never minced words about that and never will.  But to make out like it is too big of a sin for God to forgive is evil work.  God's grace can and does surpass this sin and all others in our world.  I am thankful for the forgiveness I have received.  I am thankful that when I look in the mirror I see more than an abortionist, I see a woman who despite her flaws and failures is loved anyway because of a sacrifice made many centuries ago on the Cross at Calvary for your sins and mine; and I graciously thank Jesus for dying for me again!