Finding My Voice

     I knew a long time ago that having my voice taken away from me at a very young age had affected my ability to understand, realize or say what I wanted to happen in the wake of my crisis pregnancies. I wasn't used to forming my own opinions, or thinking for myself, or being asked what I wanted. At that point in my life, I only thought of what my mother would say, or more accurately how angry she would be when/if she found out.  I did not realize it was not my mother, but myself, that I would have to face everyday for the rest of my life following the abortions.  I did not realize that I would grow into the ability to be a separate, fully functioning person without my mother's influence at any point in my life.  I was an extension of my mother, not a separate entity with my own worth and identity.  I was into my 40's before I was able to begin to find myself and figure out who I am and what had really happened to me.

     I have a strong, soul rooted desire to help women who are hurting from abortion, or from any other type of traumatic experience; and I know that desire stems from my history of pain and loss, and that it was all necessary for me to be who I am now.  It's all relevant, it's all valid, and equally important in the shaping of who I am.  How much more understanding I have for having suffered the abuse of my childhood, from the abuse in my first marriage, from the losses of my children.  All of that pain and loss and sorrow and suffering have made me who I am today, and have equipped me in such a way as to reach others who are hurting and in need of healing.

     My passion for helping is greatly fueled by the experiences I've had forging my path in this world.  It is all about the journey.  The journey from sorrow and pain to that of healing and restoration.  I want to assist others in walking that path, in finding their way back to the persons they were meant to be.  I do not believe God wants for our futures to be riddled with sorrow from our abortions.  I believe He wants us to accept the forgiveness and peace that He offers every minute of every hour of every day, and to live our lives in great joy sharing what He has done within us.  What witness does endless suffering have?  What purpose does it serve?  Contrast that with the hope that a broken person that has been healed brings to the world, and you will know which He values in our lives.  Jeremiah 29:11, that our pastor spoke of this past week, says it so well, "For I know the plans I have for you.  Plans to prosper you and not harm to you, plans to give you hope and a future."

     If you have someone in your life, who essentially has their hand over your mouth, stifling your voice and keeping you from being who you need to be, I hope you will ask God to take that hand away and give you the voice He intends for you to have.  I hope you will realize your worth and your value.  I hope you will take hold of the power you possess inside you and take it back from those that are trying to steal it away from you.  I hope you will reach out for help in finding your voice.  I am here for you.  I will pray for you.

Our Spiritual Lifelines

For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  Psalm 139:13-16

Surrender the Secret Episode 8

     My favorite scripture, Isaiah 61, is emphasized in this episode and so beautifully describes the post-abortive woman who has exchanged her shame and guilt for God's loving forgiveness and healing.  This episode is about bringing the study to a close and examining what will happen next in the lives of the women, including how they will go forward into the world and help others who are going through similar pain and sorrow.

     I enjoyed seeing the women talk about their feelings of longing to help others and their desire to follow God's will and plan for their lives.  I feel excited to think about their futures and the impact they will have on others in the various paths that they choose. When we come through traumatic events and times of great loss in our lives, and we reach out to God for help, healing and support, those times can be the most positively powerful and changing times of our lives.  They often are catalysts that pull us close to our Creator, helping us to develop a deep, intimate relationship with Him.  If we are able to look past the costs of those times, we can truly be thankful for them, because they often make us stronger, and more receptive to God's purpose for our lives.

      

Episode 7 of Surrender the Secret

     In this episode of Surrender the Secret, these brave women participate in a Memorial Service to honor their lost children.  This is a tender, sacred time of healing for those of us who have lost a child to abortion.  I like the way the women chose their own flowers to memorialize their children and the way the cross was displayed on the table, with their flowers mingled all around it.

     Writing and sharing a story to your aborted child is a difficult and cathartic task.  I remember writing to my children many years ago for the first time after completing a Bible study similar to Surrender the Secret called "Her Choice to Heal."  It was my first encounter with a tool to help women to heal from abortion, and was indeed my first attempt to make sense of the excrutiating pain that I was in emotionally and mentally.  I remember seeing the title of the book in a magazine in a doctor's office and immediately going to purchase the book at a local Christian Bible store.  I was petrified to bring the book up to the counter to pay for it.  I was so afraid someone would see what I was buying and know what I had done.  I was so shrouded in secrecy in my life at that time, yet so hungry to hear someone else's post abortion story, so in need of help in figuring out what was happening to me.  I did bring the book to the register, and with my eyes cast down allowed the nice lady to ring up the book.  She did not comment on the book, nor did she look at me with judgment that I could see; and I have always been thankful for that moment.

     I remember writing my letter for the first time.  It felt odd to acknowledge my children as  real people, instead of  "bad choices" or  "terrible regrets."  For the first time I was able to separate what I had done from whom I had done it.  There was  more to that day than just what I did. I had to face the fact that in heaven waiting for me, are two precious beings, who are my children.  It was difficult to speak to them at first.  For so long, I had not allowed myself to acknowledge their lives.  I did in that sort of suspended place that I believe is denial, but I had not allowed it deep in my soul where it counted, where it needed to be for me to work on healing.  In order to write the letters, I had to consider who my children were and what their lives had meant to me up until that moment.  It was a difficult task, but after I finished, I was so glad I had pushed through it.

     The women in the series shared from their hearts in their letters to their children.  We have been blessed by hearing their letters and witnessing the work they are allowing God to do in their lives.  They are inspiring and humbling as well.  I am thankful for their willingness to share with us.

Wonderful Retreat!!!

     This past weekend was our Spring Rachel's Vineyard Post-Abortion Healing retreat, and it was such an amazing experience!!  We had a small group of five, as we usually do, and it was so wonderful to share in the healing journeys of those who attended!  It is such a blessing to be a part of a ministry that touches lives in such a profound way!  All weekend I had the comforting feeling that I was in the right place at the right time doing exactly what God has asked me to do with my life, and believe me after years upon years of praying for a vision of what that would look like and be, it is an  indescribable feeling of deep contentment.

     The retreat weekends are such unique experiences of personal growth, spiritual healing and bonding on a deep level with others who have walked the same path.  If we didn't do anything all weekend other than talk about our experiences and get to know others who understand the deep and all consuming pain of abortion, we still would come away blessed and changed by the experience, but the weekend retreats encompass so much more than that!!  I believe Theresa Burke, the co-founder of Rachel's Vineyard and author of the retreats, did an outstanding job of incorporating opportunity after opportunity for the participants to invite healing into their lives through our personal Savior, Jesus Christ.  It is the spiritual healing that is received in the weekends that makes the difference in peoples' lives, it is Spirit ordained transformations that are lasting and life changing!!

     We have a group of facilitators who are all caring, Christian, non-judgmental women whose lives have been touched in some way by abortion.  One of our facilitators is an ordained, female minister who offers her wisdom and understanding of the Scriptures during our spiritually healing exercises.  We are blessed with a personal chef, who prepares each and every meal lovingly on site by hand just for our group.  We provide our retreats in a beautiful country estate that has been lovingly restored and rebuilt by people inspired by God to provide a warm, welcoming and cozy home away from home for those who are on healing journeys following all kinds of trauma and loss.  Every window you look out at the retreat center, you see pastures and mountains and rolling hills.  There are numerous places on the property designed for quiet contemplation and meditation as well.

     What a blessing to get away and be able to allow God to move and work in your life for an entire weekend with like minded individuals in need of the same help as you are, with experienced, caring facilitators to guide and support you throughout the weekend as you seek and receive God's gifts of grace and mercy!

Mark 6: 31 shares such a special message for those of us who are hurting and in need of His infinite love and comfort,   Jesus said to them, `Come away with me. Let us go alone to a quiet place and rest for a while.'

      

      If you or someone you love are hurting and in need of healing due to pain and regret from an abortion experience, I pray you will reach out and call or register for our next weekend retreat.  We will be scheduling the next retreat in the next week, and it will take place in October of 2013, you may check back here on our website for an exact date, or visit www.rachelsvineyard.org for a list of retreats being offered in your area.  Please, remember that our site is Interdenominational and that all Christian religions are welcome to attend.  Call us at 828-919-8020 for more information or just to talk about your experiences and needs.

Surrender the Secret Episode 6

     Episode 6 of the Knock TV series, Surrender the Secret touches on some of the hardest and best parts of healing after an abortion.  The losses that occur with an abortion decision are numerous and broad in range and scope.  They are as varied as the people who make the choice to abort.  In contrast to the losses are the blessings that occur in our healing journeys as we discover the deeper purposes for our lives that God has planned, and those that we receive when we draw nearer to Him in our desperation for help and restoration.

     Jill talked about "exchanging our grief for grace," in this episode and I love this expression.  It is a tremendous relief, when we come to the place where we are able to recognize that our grief over the past is burdening us to the point that our present lives are being stifled and severely disabled.  We can spend years caught in the web of lies that our grief is what we deserve, or is somehow our penance for our sin.  There is even a subconscious belief that grieving for the rest of our lives is somehow a fair punishment for what we have done.  For many of us, our grief serves as a connection to our lost child, an almost tangible bond to keep our little ones alive in some sense of the word.  It is such a wonderful, welcomed relief to finally see that we don't have to grieve the rest of our lives for our mistakes, and can instead accept God's grace that freely flows from the cross and Jesus' sacrifice for our lives.  It takes courage to take this step, it takes faith that we won't lose ourselves in this process, as the grief defines who we are in so many ways.  It is indeed a leap of faith, an outright display of surrender and recognition of God's love and forgiveness and acceptance of us as His children--not because of anything we have or have not done, but because of who He is.

     The losses are still real, and they never go away.  My heart aches for women like Jane, and others, who are never able to be a mother because of the destruction of their abortions.  We all have suffered losses from our abortion decisions and choices, and those unfortunately never go away.  It takes us many years of maturing and seeking insights to realize in how many ways our lives are impacted by the losses from our abortions.  As Jill's emotions demonstrated in this episode, we realize it a little at a time how much we actually have lost in the act of abortion, and in living with the impacts that it has on our lives.  As by her example she shares that she has losses with her living children as well as a result of her abortion, due to her coping mechanism in living her daily life.  As she put it, she had to "wall off her emotions," which has tremendous effects on all of the other relationships in our lives.  I can see myself in this way in not being able to fully enjoy my oldest child, as looking at him in the fullness of who he was as a child would have brought forth the reality of the other child I had lost, and I was no where near ready to deal with that reality.  

     We all must deal with the complete voids in our lives where are children would have been, and those consequences never go away.  It is a blessing however, when we realize the fact that we do have a right to grieve our lost children.  We feel early on that we made the choice to abort, and by doing that we "forfeit" the right to grieve our lost child.  The truth is, we have every right to grieve our lost children, and why on earth would we not.  To say that we do not is cruelty and heartlessness.  I completely agree with Jill's statement that when we choose abortion we go against everything we were created to do as women.  I think this is the very crux of where my greatest pain came from for many years.  As I have said in other posts, when I made this choice, I went against every fiber of my being and committed the ultimate of sins within my own body, mind and spirit.  I did it against my own will, because I felt there was no other way.  This was the absolute hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  Then, when I was able to accept that God's grace covered even this sin, I have never felt more grateful for anything before then, or since.

     Only God can use something as awful and as damaging as abortion to help women to overcome and move forward to reach and minister to other women and men who are hurting as well, or hopefully, as in Vanessa's case, to be able to prevent an abortion from occurring in the first place.  In my own life, though I accepted Jesus as my savior at a young age, it has been through my abortion losses and other losses in my life, that my faith has been strengthened and my relationship with God made deeper and more meaningful!  I absolutely love the scripture that is shared in one part of this episode, as I am reminded of how precious I am, and you are, to our Heavenly Father, and how close He is at all times:  

Isaiah 43: 1-3 says, 

"I have called you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned...For I am the Lord your God." 

     Thank God!  Thank God He is always present, even in the deep waters, and the fires of life!  Thank God that He never leaves me or forsakes me!  He never leaves or forsakes you!

Surrender the Secret Episode 5

     Episode 5 focuses largely on forgiveness of others surrounding the abortion choice, and accepting God's forgiveness completely, because of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross for us.

     I loved that the study emphasizes what forgiveness is NOT, along with what it truly means.  There are so many pitfalls in this area, when we are trying to process our anger and forgive others, or accept forgiveness ourselves.  Many of us have believed the myth for so long that forgiving means that we accept what has been done to us, or what we have done as "okay."  Those of us who have chosen abortion know that it will never be okay that we did this.  I am so glad that this distinction was made here, and that the point that forgiving does not minimize what has taken place, or dictate that we should just be completely fine with what has happened.

     Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation, is another point that was touched on, and I believe it is so important for us to understand this.  I remember as a child and a young adult, it was so easy for me to "forgive and forget."  I would forgive and just pretend that whatever had been done to me did not matter, that everything was just fine.  Now, I understand that it does not work that way.  Sometimes the infractions against us are so evil and so hurtful that we feel we cannot ever forgive what has been done, let alone, forget about it.  But, God states for us very clearly to forgive, because we have been forgiven.  So, out of obedience to God, to follow His instruction for our lives, we must choose to forgive, and then ask God to fill those angry spaces with His love.  Still, even in doing this, it is not always healthy for us to go back to relationships with those who have hurt us on such a deep, psychological level, especially if they hurt us over and over again. 

     I don't think I had ever heard it said that the Bible does not identify a need for us to forgive ourselves for things that we have done, only to accept God's forgiveness.  I am still thinking this point through and mulling it around in my mind.  Kelly pointed out in this episode, "forgiving ourselves and accepting God's forgiveness are almost two different packages."  I currently believe they are two separate packages.   But, as I'm processing this, does that mean I am putting myself on God's level, granting the blessing of forgiveness right along beside Him?  I can never see myself on the same playing field as God, there is no way to even make this comparison, it would be compeltely ridiculous to do so.

     In my mind, if we accept God's forgiveness, and do not forgive ourselves for an abortion choice, this is a sin, because we are placing ourselves as higher judges than God.  This was the point that drove my decision to finally make the choice to forgive myself, as I outlined in this June 25th, 2012 post.  I felt I could accept that God could forgive me, because He said He will forgive anything that we confess with a pure heart, and I knew I truly confessed my sin to Him desperately seeking His forgiveness; but I vowed within my own heart, "I will NEVER forgive myself for what I have done."  I wrestled with this for months and months, as God patiently showed me that forgiving myself was an act of obedience to Him; and that even if I didn't feel in my heart that I could forgive myself, I must make the choice to do so in reverence to my Creator.  Now, after watching this episode I'm thinking, "is forgiving myself more of a deeper acceptance of God's forgiveness, rather than a separate form of forgiveness?"  I will pray about this point, and write more in a later post about what God reveals to me.  It is definitely an interesting point to ponder, and I am grateful for the show for bringing this question into the light for me.