Surrender the Secret Episode 6

     Episode 6 of the Knock TV series, Surrender the Secret touches on some of the hardest and best parts of healing after an abortion.  The losses that occur with an abortion decision are numerous and broad in range and scope.  They are as varied as the people who make the choice to abort.  In contrast to the losses are the blessings that occur in our healing journeys as we discover the deeper purposes for our lives that God has planned, and those that we receive when we draw nearer to Him in our desperation for help and restoration.

     Jill talked about "exchanging our grief for grace," in this episode and I love this expression.  It is a tremendous relief, when we come to the place where we are able to recognize that our grief over the past is burdening us to the point that our present lives are being stifled and severely disabled.  We can spend years caught in the web of lies that our grief is what we deserve, or is somehow our penance for our sin.  There is even a subconscious belief that grieving for the rest of our lives is somehow a fair punishment for what we have done.  For many of us, our grief serves as a connection to our lost child, an almost tangible bond to keep our little ones alive in some sense of the word.  It is such a wonderful, welcomed relief to finally see that we don't have to grieve the rest of our lives for our mistakes, and can instead accept God's grace that freely flows from the cross and Jesus' sacrifice for our lives.  It takes courage to take this step, it takes faith that we won't lose ourselves in this process, as the grief defines who we are in so many ways.  It is indeed a leap of faith, an outright display of surrender and recognition of God's love and forgiveness and acceptance of us as His children--not because of anything we have or have not done, but because of who He is.

     The losses are still real, and they never go away.  My heart aches for women like Jane, and others, who are never able to be a mother because of the destruction of their abortions.  We all have suffered losses from our abortion decisions and choices, and those unfortunately never go away.  It takes us many years of maturing and seeking insights to realize in how many ways our lives are impacted by the losses from our abortions.  As Jill's emotions demonstrated in this episode, we realize it a little at a time how much we actually have lost in the act of abortion, and in living with the impacts that it has on our lives.  As by her example she shares that she has losses with her living children as well as a result of her abortion, due to her coping mechanism in living her daily life.  As she put it, she had to "wall off her emotions," which has tremendous effects on all of the other relationships in our lives.  I can see myself in this way in not being able to fully enjoy my oldest child, as looking at him in the fullness of who he was as a child would have brought forth the reality of the other child I had lost, and I was no where near ready to deal with that reality.  

     We all must deal with the complete voids in our lives where are children would have been, and those consequences never go away.  It is a blessing however, when we realize the fact that we do have a right to grieve our lost children.  We feel early on that we made the choice to abort, and by doing that we "forfeit" the right to grieve our lost child.  The truth is, we have every right to grieve our lost children, and why on earth would we not.  To say that we do not is cruelty and heartlessness.  I completely agree with Jill's statement that when we choose abortion we go against everything we were created to do as women.  I think this is the very crux of where my greatest pain came from for many years.  As I have said in other posts, when I made this choice, I went against every fiber of my being and committed the ultimate of sins within my own body, mind and spirit.  I did it against my own will, because I felt there was no other way.  This was the absolute hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  Then, when I was able to accept that God's grace covered even this sin, I have never felt more grateful for anything before then, or since.

     Only God can use something as awful and as damaging as abortion to help women to overcome and move forward to reach and minister to other women and men who are hurting as well, or hopefully, as in Vanessa's case, to be able to prevent an abortion from occurring in the first place.  In my own life, though I accepted Jesus as my savior at a young age, it has been through my abortion losses and other losses in my life, that my faith has been strengthened and my relationship with God made deeper and more meaningful!  I absolutely love the scripture that is shared in one part of this episode, as I am reminded of how precious I am, and you are, to our Heavenly Father, and how close He is at all times:  

Isaiah 43: 1-3 says, 

"I have called you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned...For I am the Lord your God." 

     Thank God!  Thank God He is always present, even in the deep waters, and the fires of life!  Thank God that He never leaves me or forsakes me!  He never leaves or forsakes you!