Our Spiritual Lifelines

For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  Psalm 139:13-16

Surrender the Secret Episode 8

     My favorite scripture, Isaiah 61, is emphasized in this episode and so beautifully describes the post-abortive woman who has exchanged her shame and guilt for God's loving forgiveness and healing.  This episode is about bringing the study to a close and examining what will happen next in the lives of the women, including how they will go forward into the world and help others who are going through similar pain and sorrow.

     I enjoyed seeing the women talk about their feelings of longing to help others and their desire to follow God's will and plan for their lives.  I feel excited to think about their futures and the impact they will have on others in the various paths that they choose. When we come through traumatic events and times of great loss in our lives, and we reach out to God for help, healing and support, those times can be the most positively powerful and changing times of our lives.  They often are catalysts that pull us close to our Creator, helping us to develop a deep, intimate relationship with Him.  If we are able to look past the costs of those times, we can truly be thankful for them, because they often make us stronger, and more receptive to God's purpose for our lives.

      

Episode 7 of Surrender the Secret

     In this episode of Surrender the Secret, these brave women participate in a Memorial Service to honor their lost children.  This is a tender, sacred time of healing for those of us who have lost a child to abortion.  I like the way the women chose their own flowers to memorialize their children and the way the cross was displayed on the table, with their flowers mingled all around it.

     Writing and sharing a story to your aborted child is a difficult and cathartic task.  I remember writing to my children many years ago for the first time after completing a Bible study similar to Surrender the Secret called "Her Choice to Heal."  It was my first encounter with a tool to help women to heal from abortion, and was indeed my first attempt to make sense of the excrutiating pain that I was in emotionally and mentally.  I remember seeing the title of the book in a magazine in a doctor's office and immediately going to purchase the book at a local Christian Bible store.  I was petrified to bring the book up to the counter to pay for it.  I was so afraid someone would see what I was buying and know what I had done.  I was so shrouded in secrecy in my life at that time, yet so hungry to hear someone else's post abortion story, so in need of help in figuring out what was happening to me.  I did bring the book to the register, and with my eyes cast down allowed the nice lady to ring up the book.  She did not comment on the book, nor did she look at me with judgment that I could see; and I have always been thankful for that moment.

     I remember writing my letter for the first time.  It felt odd to acknowledge my children as  real people, instead of  "bad choices" or  "terrible regrets."  For the first time I was able to separate what I had done from whom I had done it.  There was  more to that day than just what I did. I had to face the fact that in heaven waiting for me, are two precious beings, who are my children.  It was difficult to speak to them at first.  For so long, I had not allowed myself to acknowledge their lives.  I did in that sort of suspended place that I believe is denial, but I had not allowed it deep in my soul where it counted, where it needed to be for me to work on healing.  In order to write the letters, I had to consider who my children were and what their lives had meant to me up until that moment.  It was a difficult task, but after I finished, I was so glad I had pushed through it.

     The women in the series shared from their hearts in their letters to their children.  We have been blessed by hearing their letters and witnessing the work they are allowing God to do in their lives.  They are inspiring and humbling as well.  I am thankful for their willingness to share with us.

Wonderful Retreat!!!

     This past weekend was our Spring Rachel's Vineyard Post-Abortion Healing retreat, and it was such an amazing experience!!  We had a small group of five, as we usually do, and it was so wonderful to share in the healing journeys of those who attended!  It is such a blessing to be a part of a ministry that touches lives in such a profound way!  All weekend I had the comforting feeling that I was in the right place at the right time doing exactly what God has asked me to do with my life, and believe me after years upon years of praying for a vision of what that would look like and be, it is an  indescribable feeling of deep contentment.

     The retreat weekends are such unique experiences of personal growth, spiritual healing and bonding on a deep level with others who have walked the same path.  If we didn't do anything all weekend other than talk about our experiences and get to know others who understand the deep and all consuming pain of abortion, we still would come away blessed and changed by the experience, but the weekend retreats encompass so much more than that!!  I believe Theresa Burke, the co-founder of Rachel's Vineyard and author of the retreats, did an outstanding job of incorporating opportunity after opportunity for the participants to invite healing into their lives through our personal Savior, Jesus Christ.  It is the spiritual healing that is received in the weekends that makes the difference in peoples' lives, it is Spirit ordained transformations that are lasting and life changing!!

     We have a group of facilitators who are all caring, Christian, non-judgmental women whose lives have been touched in some way by abortion.  One of our facilitators is an ordained, female minister who offers her wisdom and understanding of the Scriptures during our spiritually healing exercises.  We are blessed with a personal chef, who prepares each and every meal lovingly on site by hand just for our group.  We provide our retreats in a beautiful country estate that has been lovingly restored and rebuilt by people inspired by God to provide a warm, welcoming and cozy home away from home for those who are on healing journeys following all kinds of trauma and loss.  Every window you look out at the retreat center, you see pastures and mountains and rolling hills.  There are numerous places on the property designed for quiet contemplation and meditation as well.

     What a blessing to get away and be able to allow God to move and work in your life for an entire weekend with like minded individuals in need of the same help as you are, with experienced, caring facilitators to guide and support you throughout the weekend as you seek and receive God's gifts of grace and mercy!

Mark 6: 31 shares such a special message for those of us who are hurting and in need of His infinite love and comfort,   Jesus said to them, `Come away with me. Let us go alone to a quiet place and rest for a while.'

      

      If you or someone you love are hurting and in need of healing due to pain and regret from an abortion experience, I pray you will reach out and call or register for our next weekend retreat.  We will be scheduling the next retreat in the next week, and it will take place in October of 2013, you may check back here on our website for an exact date, or visit www.rachelsvineyard.org for a list of retreats being offered in your area.  Please, remember that our site is Interdenominational and that all Christian religions are welcome to attend.  Call us at 828-919-8020 for more information or just to talk about your experiences and needs.

Surrender the Secret Episode 6

     Episode 6 of the Knock TV series, Surrender the Secret touches on some of the hardest and best parts of healing after an abortion.  The losses that occur with an abortion decision are numerous and broad in range and scope.  They are as varied as the people who make the choice to abort.  In contrast to the losses are the blessings that occur in our healing journeys as we discover the deeper purposes for our lives that God has planned, and those that we receive when we draw nearer to Him in our desperation for help and restoration.

     Jill talked about "exchanging our grief for grace," in this episode and I love this expression.  It is a tremendous relief, when we come to the place where we are able to recognize that our grief over the past is burdening us to the point that our present lives are being stifled and severely disabled.  We can spend years caught in the web of lies that our grief is what we deserve, or is somehow our penance for our sin.  There is even a subconscious belief that grieving for the rest of our lives is somehow a fair punishment for what we have done.  For many of us, our grief serves as a connection to our lost child, an almost tangible bond to keep our little ones alive in some sense of the word.  It is such a wonderful, welcomed relief to finally see that we don't have to grieve the rest of our lives for our mistakes, and can instead accept God's grace that freely flows from the cross and Jesus' sacrifice for our lives.  It takes courage to take this step, it takes faith that we won't lose ourselves in this process, as the grief defines who we are in so many ways.  It is indeed a leap of faith, an outright display of surrender and recognition of God's love and forgiveness and acceptance of us as His children--not because of anything we have or have not done, but because of who He is.

     The losses are still real, and they never go away.  My heart aches for women like Jane, and others, who are never able to be a mother because of the destruction of their abortions.  We all have suffered losses from our abortion decisions and choices, and those unfortunately never go away.  It takes us many years of maturing and seeking insights to realize in how many ways our lives are impacted by the losses from our abortions.  As Jill's emotions demonstrated in this episode, we realize it a little at a time how much we actually have lost in the act of abortion, and in living with the impacts that it has on our lives.  As by her example she shares that she has losses with her living children as well as a result of her abortion, due to her coping mechanism in living her daily life.  As she put it, she had to "wall off her emotions," which has tremendous effects on all of the other relationships in our lives.  I can see myself in this way in not being able to fully enjoy my oldest child, as looking at him in the fullness of who he was as a child would have brought forth the reality of the other child I had lost, and I was no where near ready to deal with that reality.  

     We all must deal with the complete voids in our lives where are children would have been, and those consequences never go away.  It is a blessing however, when we realize the fact that we do have a right to grieve our lost children.  We feel early on that we made the choice to abort, and by doing that we "forfeit" the right to grieve our lost child.  The truth is, we have every right to grieve our lost children, and why on earth would we not.  To say that we do not is cruelty and heartlessness.  I completely agree with Jill's statement that when we choose abortion we go against everything we were created to do as women.  I think this is the very crux of where my greatest pain came from for many years.  As I have said in other posts, when I made this choice, I went against every fiber of my being and committed the ultimate of sins within my own body, mind and spirit.  I did it against my own will, because I felt there was no other way.  This was the absolute hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  Then, when I was able to accept that God's grace covered even this sin, I have never felt more grateful for anything before then, or since.

     Only God can use something as awful and as damaging as abortion to help women to overcome and move forward to reach and minister to other women and men who are hurting as well, or hopefully, as in Vanessa's case, to be able to prevent an abortion from occurring in the first place.  In my own life, though I accepted Jesus as my savior at a young age, it has been through my abortion losses and other losses in my life, that my faith has been strengthened and my relationship with God made deeper and more meaningful!  I absolutely love the scripture that is shared in one part of this episode, as I am reminded of how precious I am, and you are, to our Heavenly Father, and how close He is at all times:  

Isaiah 43: 1-3 says, 

"I have called you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned...For I am the Lord your God." 

     Thank God!  Thank God He is always present, even in the deep waters, and the fires of life!  Thank God that He never leaves me or forsakes me!  He never leaves or forsakes you!

Surrender the Secret Episode 5

     Episode 5 focuses largely on forgiveness of others surrounding the abortion choice, and accepting God's forgiveness completely, because of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross for us.

     I loved that the study emphasizes what forgiveness is NOT, along with what it truly means.  There are so many pitfalls in this area, when we are trying to process our anger and forgive others, or accept forgiveness ourselves.  Many of us have believed the myth for so long that forgiving means that we accept what has been done to us, or what we have done as "okay."  Those of us who have chosen abortion know that it will never be okay that we did this.  I am so glad that this distinction was made here, and that the point that forgiving does not minimize what has taken place, or dictate that we should just be completely fine with what has happened.

     Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation, is another point that was touched on, and I believe it is so important for us to understand this.  I remember as a child and a young adult, it was so easy for me to "forgive and forget."  I would forgive and just pretend that whatever had been done to me did not matter, that everything was just fine.  Now, I understand that it does not work that way.  Sometimes the infractions against us are so evil and so hurtful that we feel we cannot ever forgive what has been done, let alone, forget about it.  But, God states for us very clearly to forgive, because we have been forgiven.  So, out of obedience to God, to follow His instruction for our lives, we must choose to forgive, and then ask God to fill those angry spaces with His love.  Still, even in doing this, it is not always healthy for us to go back to relationships with those who have hurt us on such a deep, psychological level, especially if they hurt us over and over again. 

     I don't think I had ever heard it said that the Bible does not identify a need for us to forgive ourselves for things that we have done, only to accept God's forgiveness.  I am still thinking this point through and mulling it around in my mind.  Kelly pointed out in this episode, "forgiving ourselves and accepting God's forgiveness are almost two different packages."  I currently believe they are two separate packages.   But, as I'm processing this, does that mean I am putting myself on God's level, granting the blessing of forgiveness right along beside Him?  I can never see myself on the same playing field as God, there is no way to even make this comparison, it would be compeltely ridiculous to do so.

     In my mind, if we accept God's forgiveness, and do not forgive ourselves for an abortion choice, this is a sin, because we are placing ourselves as higher judges than God.  This was the point that drove my decision to finally make the choice to forgive myself, as I outlined in this June 25th, 2012 post.  I felt I could accept that God could forgive me, because He said He will forgive anything that we confess with a pure heart, and I knew I truly confessed my sin to Him desperately seeking His forgiveness; but I vowed within my own heart, "I will NEVER forgive myself for what I have done."  I wrestled with this for months and months, as God patiently showed me that forgiving myself was an act of obedience to Him; and that even if I didn't feel in my heart that I could forgive myself, I must make the choice to do so in reverence to my Creator.  Now, after watching this episode I'm thinking, "is forgiving myself more of a deeper acceptance of God's forgiveness, rather than a separate form of forgiveness?"  I will pray about this point, and write more in a later post about what God reveals to me.  It is definitely an interesting point to ponder, and I am grateful for the show for bringing this question into the light for me.

Surrender the Secret Episode 4

   

   
     Other duties have kept me from being able to watch the next episode of this series until last night, but it's been on my mind, and I look forward to it each Tuesday.  This episode focuses on the anger that surrounds an abortion decision.  I believe the anger is one of the hardest phases to work through, especially if you are from a background like mine, where you were not allowed to express anger and other negative feelings, and anger was constantly modeled in the most inappropriate of ways.  As the women in this episode discussed, and Vanessa verbalized in her side segment, the anger starts way before the abortion decision is ever made.  Then it is compounded by the hurts that happen during and in the time of the abortion. 

     It is normal to feel angry with many people after an abortion.  Many of us fight these feelings and push them deep inside our psyches, so deep in fact that we may not even know, or acknowledge that the anger really exists; or worse, we internalize it and blame ourselves completely and solely for our choice.  Our abortion choices had many contributors, even people who were unaware of the crisis pregnancy at all.  As Jill touched on in her letter to her parents, "why did you not stop me, why did I feel I couldn't come to you for help."  There is a direct proven link between abuse in childhood and abortion choices.  Abuse can take on so many different forms, it is no longer the old definition of children being beaten black and blue, burned with cigarettes or locked in closets.  We now know that verbal and emotional abuse is just as damaging, if not more so, and can have long lasting, even devastating consequences.

     In order to work through the anger that surfaces in working through your feelings about your abortion choice, a level of deep acceptance of the anger needs to take place first.  Please, don't fight the anger, it is necessary, it is healthy, it is acceptable to us and to God.  What we do with the anger is often where the problem comes in.  I'm not saying it's okay to take your anger out by mistreating your spouse, your children, your friends or anyone else in your life.  I'm talking about honest anger that is to be dealt with in healthy and constructive ways.  Simply allow the feelings to come, and don't fight them, then do something to get them out of you, as you saw in this episode, writing a letter and ripping it up is constructive.  Burning the letters is constructive, it is taking the anger outside of your body and disposing of it in such a way as to harm no one.  Praying about it and asking God to take the anger away and release it from you is a wonderful tool in dealing with anger.  Asking God to replace the anger with His love for the people that hurt you is a powerful way to release the anger and give yourself a sense of peace and calm where there may have been resentment, anger and even hatred at times.  As you pray these prayers, breathe out the anger to the air in long, slow, deep breathes, while visualizing God's loving hands surrounding it and making it dissolve into nothing.  In doing this, you are giving the anger away to the One and Only that can make something good out of something bad.  Many people journal about their anger, or they write many letters, each one allowing a little of the anger to be expelled at a time, this is healthy.  Talking about it and expressing it to a trusted friend or relative is constructive, crying and screaming and wailing is acceptable when you are alone or with someone you trust very much.  Even physically releasing the anger is healthy if you enjoy physical activities, beating a punching bag, or pillow is cathartic at times.  Just do what you need to do without hurting yourself or anyone else, and it will be beneficial; the most important point is to not fight the anger, instead accept that it is how you feel in this moment.  Feelings change, emotions come and go, they are not facts.  Just because I am angry today, that does not mean I'm going to be angry tomorrow or next week.  It is just an emotion like any other, and if we can step back from it and look at it in this way, it helps to minimize its power in our lives.  The distance will allow us to have a new perspective about these negative emotions.

     Many people worry that if they start to allow themselves to feel the anger, that it will consume them.  They feel overwhelmed by anger, and uncomfortable with the anxiety that accompanies anger.  That is because in general, we haven't had healthy experiences with this emotion.  Many people use anger in destructive and manipulative ways, and this leads to many hurt feelings, and damaged relationships, and broken hearts.  It's hard to convince someone who has kept it bottled inside for years and years that it's okay to go into that anger, that they may feel overwhelmed in the beginning by this strong emotion, but that it is healthy to deal with it.  Holding it inside only leads to disease and for many, emotional and psychological problems that can span a lifetime.  I hope that you will allow yourself to feel the anger and will release it in healthy ways.  As the women demonstrated with the rocks, if it is not released, it is baggage that goes with us everywhere we go, weighing us down and keeping us from our fullest potential, and robbing us of peace and tranquility in our lives.  The anger that is left to fester will only cause us emotional pain, while those that we are angry with continue on with their lives oblivious to the fact that they have hurt us at all many times.

     And finally, by taking a good, long, honest look at our anger without allowing it to control our lives, we stand to gain an amazing amount of insight and personal growth from having experienced it and worked our way through it.  I think insight, understanding the underlying reasons we feel and do the things we do, is one of God's greatest gifts to us.  It is quite a blessing to have a clearer view of our lives and the pain we have experienced, when it allows us to grow and make changes that have lasting and empowering results in our lives.  The insight only comes if we unabashedly invite it into our lives, without fear of what will be revealed to us.  We open the door wide to the blessing of insight, when we look, even trembling, full on into the face of our deepest emotions, with anger being a primary one.  One of the reasons that anger is so important for us to work through is that it masks so many other things.  I remember early in my counseling career a trusted mentor sharing with me the analogy of the onion and peeling away the layers, as being the same thing we do in therapy.  We begin to peel back what we see on the surface (anger, outbursts, relational problems, eating disorders, addiction, etc.) to have a closer look inside what is driving these behaviors (hurt, rejection, fear, loneliness, poor self-esteem, psychological damage, etc.). 

     You and I are brave, whether we feel that we are all the time or not, we absolutely are.   If we are willing to work at understanding our lives, our thoughts, and our behaviors; our pasts, and our presents, that takes courage.  We have everything to gain from working on this, and nothing to lose but heavy "rocks."