I just went on a vacation to the beach with my family to celebrate Thanksgiving and 15 years of marriage to my wonderful husband. It was a quiet time of rest and renewal, except for the knots...
I love making things with my hands. I taught myself to crochet a couple of years ago, and now I enjoy crocheting prayer shawls to give as gifts. I happened to be working on one when it came time for our trip, so I took it with me, as I usually will take some kind of handiwork to do while relaxing.
Well, I was happily crocheting along one evening when our time on the beach was done, when I ran into a rather large knot that was up inside the skein that I was using and had gone about 1/3 into. The more I pulled and tried to untie the knots, the more they multiplied and the more frustrating they became. I untied and untied, and untangled and untangled, and when one area was straightened and usable, another area seemed to multiply with knots and tangles in it. Frustrated, I showed my husband the mess, for lack of a better word, and was encouraged to cut it, throw it away and start on a brand new skein..."no way that is going to come out..."
Well, I thought about it, and the more I did, the more I felt I needed to work it out, I didn't know why, but I had the sense that this knot needed me, and I needed it. I thought, "why in the world can't I just throw this away and start over...I'm wasting valuable time from my vacation...I don't think anything is going to help this unbelievable heap of yarn that has worked itself into a complete tizzy!"
No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't give up on it. I simply couldn't throw it away. I felt compelled to work my way through this now series of knots and balls of complicated tangles! The thought of cutting it made me cringe! So, I decided to work out the knots one by one, and that if it took the rest of our vacation and until the year 2014, I would work out this complete maze of beautiful, shiny, soft yarn that I now felt some weird connection to...
My sweet husband never said a word, he pretended not to notice when hour after hour I spent working through one knot after another and in the work I found my reason for doing it. I was astounded when the insights started to occur to me, and I realized there was a real and undeniable reason that I had not let this particular mess go.
One knot after another I realized that this ball and heap of messy, tangled up, practically nonredeemable string represented my life and the struggles in it. I realized that life is full of jams and creases that must be worked through and straightened out in order for us to be at peace. I realized that the it took a tremendous amount of time and energy to work through those tangles and that often in pulling out a new knot, I had to go back over ground I had already covered. I had to backtrack some of the time, I had to pull the same piece of string over and over again until it would finally break free from the pieces that held it bound to itself.
If I could have stretched the yarn straight out in one, long line, it would have represented my life from birth to death, so I realized there were areas that were masted up and bound, and there were areas that were without hindrance and in essence, free. I could clearly see that each part, whether it was free or bound, had some effect on the rest of the string and how it was able to function properly or not. I realized that my life was affected now and always by the good times and the bad times, the times of struggle and the times of freedom. I realized that each time was equally necessary, important and valuable.
You know, eventually I did work out that mass of collective upheaval and felt an incredible sense of relief and accomplishment in having done so. I used every inch of this special yarn, it, in all of its worn glory, to continue on in making the prayer shawl, and I can't wait to see who ends up receiving it. I am thankful for it and the lessons it taught me, and for the hope that it gave me. I know that no words can accurately describe the mess that I started out with, you would have had to have been there to really fully understand it, and so is the case with my life, and yours as well.
We face turmoil and upsets and times of conflict and angst, but there is always hope. We can always find some way to work through it, if we truly try and fully commit to it. And it is in the times of peace and equally in the times of stressful events of one kind or another, that we live our beautiful and purposeful and valuable lives.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
Post-Abortion TV Series!
KnockTV plans to begin this series with the premiere of Episode 1 on the 40th anniversary date of Roe v. Wade, January 22, 2013. This is groundbreaking material, with 10 episodes of this first-of-a-kind Christian reality TV series giving a voice to the millions of us who have suffered in silence for so long! This will help educate those who believe the ability to choose abortion is a good thing for women. I hope it will help pro-choice individuals to see the reality that while having a choice in life is a good thing, choosing abortion is not a good thing, in any way, for our babies or for ourselves.
Join me in praying for all who are involved in bringing this series to fruition and for the brave women who are willing to share their very intimate secrets and stories. Join me also in watching this very timely and indescribably valuable series, and for more information visit: http://www.knocktv.com/shows/surrenderthesecret/
Monday, November 5, 2012
Do I have the right to seek help?
One of the hurtles in healing from a past abortion is overcoming the stigmatism related to the act itself, and the dangerous belief that you deserve any misery you may have afterwards. There is often an unspoken, even consciously unrecognized, belief that if you choose abortion, you don't have the right to need or seek help afterwards concerning the abortion. As if, you asked for the pain and sorrow and other symptoms that often accompany this choice, by making the choice to have an abortion in the first place. If you are the post-abortive woman, you have no problem at all saying to yourself, "you did this, you deserve to have these horrible symptoms the rest of your life to atone for what you did." But having symptoms and needing help after an abortion are completely natural and normal occurrences, and you have just as much right to need and seek help as anyone else who is in pain in this world.
Many, many women have great regret and emotional pain and symptomatology following an abortion decision, especially if they did not want to have an abortion, but felt there was no other way to proceed in their lives, or were forced to have it by someone else, such as a boyfriend, parent or other guardian. Often a woman experiences great emotional pain following the termination of one or more pregnancies, if she feels that she has violated her own moral code of conduct, that is if she feels she went against the very core of her own beliefs about life and nature and what being a woman and mother means in this world. Women in these types of situations can spiral silently behind the scenes, and be devastated emotionally and psychologically, while trying to "keep it together" and attempt to function normally for others in their day to day lives. This type of coping works for a while, but usually eventually wears out, as she struggles to perform day after day in this life that she knows is just for show. These women will often present for therapy as "depressed" or "anxious" as these are more "acceptable" diagnoses, but all the while they have a secret, they are suffering silently and need profound help.
The good news is, there is help out there, and as women and men become more and more vocal about the pain of abortion, and society begins to recognize it's less about the choice and more about the person, we will see help for the post-abortive becoming more and more necessary and in demand, and more readily available in our counseling offices.
If you are hurting from an abortion and feel you need help, I would implore you to seek it. Try a therapist, if you don't feel they can hear you or understand your pain, try a different therapist, and keep trying until you have found someone you can process your thoughts and emotions with. Someone who understands you as a post-abortive woman and understands your pain. You must talk with someone you feel you can trust, or it will be difficult for you to make progress. You need to walk this path with someone who is trained in this delicate type of need, someone who understands the devastation of Post-Abortion Syndrome and most importantly, knows the way out of it. Don't be afraid to ask if the person you are speaking with knows how to help you. It is your right to seek help if you need it, and it is your right to receive the help that you need. You must be your own advocate, in seeking this specialized type of care, and in not giving up until your need is fully met. My prayers are with you as seek to find that which you need.
Many, many women have great regret and emotional pain and symptomatology following an abortion decision, especially if they did not want to have an abortion, but felt there was no other way to proceed in their lives, or were forced to have it by someone else, such as a boyfriend, parent or other guardian. Often a woman experiences great emotional pain following the termination of one or more pregnancies, if she feels that she has violated her own moral code of conduct, that is if she feels she went against the very core of her own beliefs about life and nature and what being a woman and mother means in this world. Women in these types of situations can spiral silently behind the scenes, and be devastated emotionally and psychologically, while trying to "keep it together" and attempt to function normally for others in their day to day lives. This type of coping works for a while, but usually eventually wears out, as she struggles to perform day after day in this life that she knows is just for show. These women will often present for therapy as "depressed" or "anxious" as these are more "acceptable" diagnoses, but all the while they have a secret, they are suffering silently and need profound help.
The good news is, there is help out there, and as women and men become more and more vocal about the pain of abortion, and society begins to recognize it's less about the choice and more about the person, we will see help for the post-abortive becoming more and more necessary and in demand, and more readily available in our counseling offices.
If you are hurting from an abortion and feel you need help, I would implore you to seek it. Try a therapist, if you don't feel they can hear you or understand your pain, try a different therapist, and keep trying until you have found someone you can process your thoughts and emotions with. Someone who understands you as a post-abortive woman and understands your pain. You must talk with someone you feel you can trust, or it will be difficult for you to make progress. You need to walk this path with someone who is trained in this delicate type of need, someone who understands the devastation of Post-Abortion Syndrome and most importantly, knows the way out of it. Don't be afraid to ask if the person you are speaking with knows how to help you. It is your right to seek help if you need it, and it is your right to receive the help that you need. You must be your own advocate, in seeking this specialized type of care, and in not giving up until your need is fully met. My prayers are with you as seek to find that which you need.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Our Fall Retreat Was Wonderful!
Oaks Studio's first Interdenominational Rachel's Vineyard Retreat took place this past weekend, and it was wonderful! We had the most unbelievably beautiful weather for all three days! The leaves in their Autumn colors dotted the mountainside near our retreat center, which is located in the picturesque countryside of the Foothills of North Carolina.
Our group worked hard throughout the weekend, and the transformations in the women attending from Friday to Sunday was nothing short of astounding! I feel it is a privilege and an honor to be a part of the experience of such deep and profound healing. To be present and see the Lord minister to these women throughout the weekend is an indescribable blessing to me, and the other facilitators. We laughed together and cried together and shared deeply emotional, psychological and spiritual wounds with each other, while openly worshiping God and seeking His complete healing in every recess of our minds, bodies and spirits. It was awe inspiring! Every weekend I facilitate, I am transported back to my own retreat and realize how changed I was from that weekend forward in my life. I feel immensely blessed to be a part of such a dedicated, and Christ-centered organization, as is Rachel's Vineyard. I am thankful daily for the work that Kevin and Teresa Burke have done and continue to do, along with the thousands of others, like our team, who labor in the Vineyard.
I hope you will consider a weekend retreat, if you are hurting from an abortion experience. We are offering our next retreat on March 15-17, 2013. Women and men are invited to come and spend the weekend working through the program, trusting the process, and experiencing the Divine healing that awaits you. It may seem scary at first to contemplate coming, but in my experience, all who come are so very glad they pushed through and persevered. Give us a call with any questions you may have at 828.919.8020.
Our group worked hard throughout the weekend, and the transformations in the women attending from Friday to Sunday was nothing short of astounding! I feel it is a privilege and an honor to be a part of the experience of such deep and profound healing. To be present and see the Lord minister to these women throughout the weekend is an indescribable blessing to me, and the other facilitators. We laughed together and cried together and shared deeply emotional, psychological and spiritual wounds with each other, while openly worshiping God and seeking His complete healing in every recess of our minds, bodies and spirits. It was awe inspiring! Every weekend I facilitate, I am transported back to my own retreat and realize how changed I was from that weekend forward in my life. I feel immensely blessed to be a part of such a dedicated, and Christ-centered organization, as is Rachel's Vineyard. I am thankful daily for the work that Kevin and Teresa Burke have done and continue to do, along with the thousands of others, like our team, who labor in the Vineyard.
I hope you will consider a weekend retreat, if you are hurting from an abortion experience. We are offering our next retreat on March 15-17, 2013. Women and men are invited to come and spend the weekend working through the program, trusting the process, and experiencing the Divine healing that awaits you. It may seem scary at first to contemplate coming, but in my experience, all who come are so very glad they pushed through and persevered. Give us a call with any questions you may have at 828.919.8020.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Four Huge Outcomes of My Retreat
My Rachel's Vineyard Retreat will forever be a precious memory to me. It was a surreal weekend. It was halloween (which I do not like) that weekend, and the time changed too; these things worked against it, but I minimized their effects in my mind and focused on the "big picture." I loved the rest of the weekend, and will forever be thankful for this gift in my life.
In preparing for some of the activities in the manual for the upcoming retreat, I gained more new insights yesterday. I can't say enough about how much I love insight. Insight is realizing things inside yourself about yourself that you never knew you knew before; it's when the subconscious mind gives the conscious mind a peek inside. Everytime I gain new insight, I consider it a gift from God, a blessing, and I pray for it all the time.
Yesterday, my insight prayers were answered again. I realized that my retreat in 2009 helped me to separate my abortions from my lost children. They are two different things. I used to roll them into one thing. I saw it as abortions=lost children. I didn't realize that I needed to work through the trauma of having the abortions and losing my children...that work is not the same, it is not even parallel. I also realized I had to grieve my lost children, the parts of myself that had died with my unborn children, and my own lost childhood. At the retreat, I was given the opportunity to work on all of this, but even more than that, I was given the opportunity to allow Jesus to ACTIVELY heal these areas of my life. I know when I say that sentence, even if you understand what I am saying, without experiencing it, there is no way you can fully comprehend it. I am saying, I PHYSICALLY FELT healing in my heart, mind and body taking place that weekend. I felt Jesus near me and as real as I can feel a warm blanket wrapped around my skin; and it felt just as cozy, comfortable and as if I was being held close to His beating heart. It was amazing. I wanted it. I was open to it. I let my guards down and focused on my healing, on allowing God to work, to move, allowing the Holy Spirit to be in me and around me and do whatever work needed to be done in those moments of the retreat work.
I pray that if you consider attending one of these retreats, that you will focus not on what people will think of you, how you measure up in the group, whether or not you have anything in common with the other participants or not, or any other superficial thing you can put into that blank. I hope you pray and seek the will of God being done in your life, through the workers who are there because they want your healing for you more than anything else in the world. I pray that it will be just you and Jesus there, with loving spirits there assisting the work you are doing. I pray you will leave the rest of it at home. Seek His healing, His will, His plan for your journey; be open and vulnerable, inviting any and all goodness to come to you and over you and inside you. I pray that you will come to receive the endless gifts that await you, if that's what you hear God whispering in your heart, if you feel lead, if you really want to come. If you come praying for and expecting a miracle, I believe it will happen. I can't wait to witness your healing work and pray that I may be a vessel through which this healing may flow.
I pray, Lord, that you will prepare me to be a loving and effective reflection of You and your mercy. I pray that You will speak through me and the other members of the team, that You will be present in all that we do and say to each other, and that You will bless and heal all who come according to Your infinite power, riches and glory in heaven!
In preparing for some of the activities in the manual for the upcoming retreat, I gained more new insights yesterday. I can't say enough about how much I love insight. Insight is realizing things inside yourself about yourself that you never knew you knew before; it's when the subconscious mind gives the conscious mind a peek inside. Everytime I gain new insight, I consider it a gift from God, a blessing, and I pray for it all the time.
"You will seek me and find me then you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and I will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:13
Yesterday, my insight prayers were answered again. I realized that my retreat in 2009 helped me to separate my abortions from my lost children. They are two different things. I used to roll them into one thing. I saw it as abortions=lost children. I didn't realize that I needed to work through the trauma of having the abortions and losing my children...that work is not the same, it is not even parallel. I also realized I had to grieve my lost children, the parts of myself that had died with my unborn children, and my own lost childhood. At the retreat, I was given the opportunity to work on all of this, but even more than that, I was given the opportunity to allow Jesus to ACTIVELY heal these areas of my life. I know when I say that sentence, even if you understand what I am saying, without experiencing it, there is no way you can fully comprehend it. I am saying, I PHYSICALLY FELT healing in my heart, mind and body taking place that weekend. I felt Jesus near me and as real as I can feel a warm blanket wrapped around my skin; and it felt just as cozy, comfortable and as if I was being held close to His beating heart. It was amazing. I wanted it. I was open to it. I let my guards down and focused on my healing, on allowing God to work, to move, allowing the Holy Spirit to be in me and around me and do whatever work needed to be done in those moments of the retreat work.
I pray that if you consider attending one of these retreats, that you will focus not on what people will think of you, how you measure up in the group, whether or not you have anything in common with the other participants or not, or any other superficial thing you can put into that blank. I hope you pray and seek the will of God being done in your life, through the workers who are there because they want your healing for you more than anything else in the world. I pray that it will be just you and Jesus there, with loving spirits there assisting the work you are doing. I pray you will leave the rest of it at home. Seek His healing, His will, His plan for your journey; be open and vulnerable, inviting any and all goodness to come to you and over you and inside you. I pray that you will come to receive the endless gifts that await you, if that's what you hear God whispering in your heart, if you feel lead, if you really want to come. If you come praying for and expecting a miracle, I believe it will happen. I can't wait to witness your healing work and pray that I may be a vessel through which this healing may flow.
I pray, Lord, that you will prepare me to be a loving and effective reflection of You and your mercy. I pray that You will speak through me and the other members of the team, that You will be present in all that we do and say to each other, and that You will bless and heal all who come according to Your infinite power, riches and glory in heaven!
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Before My Retreat
I feel the Lord has been encouraging me this week to share what it was like in the weeks leading up to my retreat, in hopes of reaching out to someone who is considering coming to a retreat and fighting similar battles to mine in getting to my retreat.
The word FEAR comes to mind more than anything else, when I look back at the weeks prior to my retreat. It is probably the most powerful tool in the arsenal of the enemy, and in an ironic way: evil uses the tool of fear to encourage the choice of abortion in the beginning, and then uses it later to reinforce our captivity and to strengthen the ties that keep us bound to a life of shame. It is a convenient and easy tool to use, not to mention effective, and the weeks leading up to the retreat are certainly fertile ground for this seed to take root and produce the fruit of continued self-condemnation and ridicule.
I first discovered Rachel's Vineyard because I was online looking one day at resources regarding starting a non-profit organization to assist women and men in dealing with post abortion pain. I knew at this time that God was calling me into this type of ministry, but was unsure in what capacity He planned to use my life. I came across the website for Rachel's Vineyard and was immediately attracted to the thought of attending a retreat, where I could actually talk outloud in the presence of others about my abortions, which was an area of my life that was still very much a secret, and a burden to carry. I had been through several Bible studies, had read books and worked through my issues on my own and briefly with a counselor as much as I could, and felt I was "healed" and ready to help others. And had done so in volunteer work at my local Pregnancy Care Center. He spoke to me that day through the computer in opening my eyes to Rachel's Vineyard and their work, God, in all His wisdom, was revealing His plan for my life.
I remember in the late summer, early fall of 2009, feeling very conflicted about going to my retreat. On the one hand, I welcomed as I've shared the opportunity to give my pain a voice and very much the ability to be part of a group who understood that special and delicate type of pain. On the other hand, I didn't know who these people were, and the thought of getting together with strangers and sharing these indescribably painful and horrific details of my most intimate thoughts and feelings with them scared me. Of course, I feared rejection and judgment the most, but there were other things too, like, what if I know someone there and they'll know my secret?, what if I don't like it?, what if I don't feel safe there?, what if I get lost going there?, what if I can't afford it?, what if my husband doesn't want me to go?, what if it would be a waste of time, maybe I don't need it, what if the facilitators are judgmental and cold?, what if the other participants are mean to me?, what if it doesn't help me?, what if it makes me uncomfortable?, on and on the list of thoughts, the "buts" and the "what if's" flowed day and nightly almost, in my dreams even.
I continued to pray. I continued to seek God's will. I knew, bottom line, that I wanted to be healed, and I wanted His will to be done in my life, and if I knew that He was calling me into this type of ministry, then I would have to do some things that took me out of my comfort zone. I knew I would have to step out on faith and do things that would have unpredictable outcomes. Also, at that time I was still dealing with an unbelievable panic attack issue that had started during my graduate work in obtaining my counseling degree. I couldn't speak in front of others, even in smaller groups, I would feel a lump in my throat so big that speaking and breathing were difficult. Even writing this right now, I can feel the lump rising in my throat as I recall the memories of a time that this anxiety response ran my life. So, the thought of being a part of a group, and having to talk about anything, let alone my abortions, was extremely difficult for me to consider for very long periods of time. Nevertheless, I talked it over with my husband, who was very supportive of me going, and we decided it would be a positive experience for me in helping me move forward with this type of work. But, as the enemy saw movement toward the retreat taking place, he turned up the heat a little more and a little more, until the last few days before the retreat became almost unbearable.
This is a normal and very common response for participants of the retreat, and the leader of my site at that time knew this, so the day before the retreat, when I was literally still sitting on the fence of "should I stay or should I go," she called me to reassure me. I was flooded with relief when I heard her voice on the other end of the phone line. Shelley encouraged me to come, she reassured me I could leave if I didn't like it, she shared how powerful and healing her retreat had been and how much it had changed her life, she shared how wonderful it felt to be healed and she attributed a great deal of her healing to her retreat; and I was touched and moved by all that she shared.
Even still, with all that she shared, I still had no idea what to expect, no idea the type of treat I was in for over the course of the weekend. And what a treat it truly was! I don't want to share too much, as I don't want to take away from the surprise and delight that comes from discovering something new to us. I will say, if you are teetering on the fence I sat on those weeks before my retreat, please make the decision to step on over to the side of coming to the retreat, and allowing yourself this beautiful, God-breathed retreat and program. You will be so glad you did. You will spend the weekend immersed in the Holy Spirit, seeking God's face and truly forgiving heart that longs for you and your healing more than you could ever imagine. If you allow yourself to, you will break through the surface of your psychological numbing and fear based hiding, and will be led through the depths of your pain and sorrow, only to discover your lost child and healing for your own woundedness in the process. You will experience blessings on top of blessings throughout the weekend, and you will leave the weekend with the bittersweet longing to return there again and again to receive the healing that can only come from time alone with Jesus.
I pray that you will come, if you feel God speaking to your heart to come. I've known from the beginning of organizing this new site that He would assemble the team of facilitators that He wants to be there, and will bring the group of women and men that He wants to minister to together for the weekend of October 19-21st, 2012. I choose to rest in His faithfulness.
The word FEAR comes to mind more than anything else, when I look back at the weeks prior to my retreat. It is probably the most powerful tool in the arsenal of the enemy, and in an ironic way: evil uses the tool of fear to encourage the choice of abortion in the beginning, and then uses it later to reinforce our captivity and to strengthen the ties that keep us bound to a life of shame. It is a convenient and easy tool to use, not to mention effective, and the weeks leading up to the retreat are certainly fertile ground for this seed to take root and produce the fruit of continued self-condemnation and ridicule.
I first discovered Rachel's Vineyard because I was online looking one day at resources regarding starting a non-profit organization to assist women and men in dealing with post abortion pain. I knew at this time that God was calling me into this type of ministry, but was unsure in what capacity He planned to use my life. I came across the website for Rachel's Vineyard and was immediately attracted to the thought of attending a retreat, where I could actually talk outloud in the presence of others about my abortions, which was an area of my life that was still very much a secret, and a burden to carry. I had been through several Bible studies, had read books and worked through my issues on my own and briefly with a counselor as much as I could, and felt I was "healed" and ready to help others. And had done so in volunteer work at my local Pregnancy Care Center. He spoke to me that day through the computer in opening my eyes to Rachel's Vineyard and their work, God, in all His wisdom, was revealing His plan for my life.
I remember in the late summer, early fall of 2009, feeling very conflicted about going to my retreat. On the one hand, I welcomed as I've shared the opportunity to give my pain a voice and very much the ability to be part of a group who understood that special and delicate type of pain. On the other hand, I didn't know who these people were, and the thought of getting together with strangers and sharing these indescribably painful and horrific details of my most intimate thoughts and feelings with them scared me. Of course, I feared rejection and judgment the most, but there were other things too, like, what if I know someone there and they'll know my secret?, what if I don't like it?, what if I don't feel safe there?, what if I get lost going there?, what if I can't afford it?, what if my husband doesn't want me to go?, what if it would be a waste of time, maybe I don't need it, what if the facilitators are judgmental and cold?, what if the other participants are mean to me?, what if it doesn't help me?, what if it makes me uncomfortable?, on and on the list of thoughts, the "buts" and the "what if's" flowed day and nightly almost, in my dreams even.
I continued to pray. I continued to seek God's will. I knew, bottom line, that I wanted to be healed, and I wanted His will to be done in my life, and if I knew that He was calling me into this type of ministry, then I would have to do some things that took me out of my comfort zone. I knew I would have to step out on faith and do things that would have unpredictable outcomes. Also, at that time I was still dealing with an unbelievable panic attack issue that had started during my graduate work in obtaining my counseling degree. I couldn't speak in front of others, even in smaller groups, I would feel a lump in my throat so big that speaking and breathing were difficult. Even writing this right now, I can feel the lump rising in my throat as I recall the memories of a time that this anxiety response ran my life. So, the thought of being a part of a group, and having to talk about anything, let alone my abortions, was extremely difficult for me to consider for very long periods of time. Nevertheless, I talked it over with my husband, who was very supportive of me going, and we decided it would be a positive experience for me in helping me move forward with this type of work. But, as the enemy saw movement toward the retreat taking place, he turned up the heat a little more and a little more, until the last few days before the retreat became almost unbearable.
This is a normal and very common response for participants of the retreat, and the leader of my site at that time knew this, so the day before the retreat, when I was literally still sitting on the fence of "should I stay or should I go," she called me to reassure me. I was flooded with relief when I heard her voice on the other end of the phone line. Shelley encouraged me to come, she reassured me I could leave if I didn't like it, she shared how powerful and healing her retreat had been and how much it had changed her life, she shared how wonderful it felt to be healed and she attributed a great deal of her healing to her retreat; and I was touched and moved by all that she shared.
Even still, with all that she shared, I still had no idea what to expect, no idea the type of treat I was in for over the course of the weekend. And what a treat it truly was! I don't want to share too much, as I don't want to take away from the surprise and delight that comes from discovering something new to us. I will say, if you are teetering on the fence I sat on those weeks before my retreat, please make the decision to step on over to the side of coming to the retreat, and allowing yourself this beautiful, God-breathed retreat and program. You will be so glad you did. You will spend the weekend immersed in the Holy Spirit, seeking God's face and truly forgiving heart that longs for you and your healing more than you could ever imagine. If you allow yourself to, you will break through the surface of your psychological numbing and fear based hiding, and will be led through the depths of your pain and sorrow, only to discover your lost child and healing for your own woundedness in the process. You will experience blessings on top of blessings throughout the weekend, and you will leave the weekend with the bittersweet longing to return there again and again to receive the healing that can only come from time alone with Jesus.
I pray that you will come, if you feel God speaking to your heart to come. I've known from the beginning of organizing this new site that He would assemble the team of facilitators that He wants to be there, and will bring the group of women and men that He wants to minister to together for the weekend of October 19-21st, 2012. I choose to rest in His faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23 says "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; GREAT is Your Faithfulness!"
See ya there! :)
Monday, September 10, 2012
Pro-Life experience this past weekend
I was offered the opportunity to volunteer in the Pro-Life booth of our town's festival this past weekend, along with the opportunity to pass out information about the upcoming retreat and Oaks Studio ministry. I was thrilled to be asked and anticipated my time there all last week.
After more than a week of anticipation before the festival, I found myself experiencing all kinds of mixed emotions during my time in the booth this past Saturday. I felt at times relief to be in the company of others passing by that were proud to see our display and joined in our pleas to end abortion altogether; some of the time I was met with resistant, almost insulting glares from passers by that clearly were pro-choice; then at other times I was met with people who clearly had a heart for the unborn, and were so completely confused by the desire of any woman or man to "stop a beating heart in the womb." It was clear to me, as I presented the fact that many who choose abortion are hurting themselves, that we have a long way to go in educating people about the pain of the post abortive woman or man; along with cultivating a compassion for them, rather than the old stand by judgment and condemning of them.
At times I felt I needed to guard myself against the judgement I felt from some that were volunteering with me, luckily, I had been prepared for that through the Holy Spirit. While I felt the need to guard myself, I am thankful that I did not feel devastated by this; rather I was reminded that I am forgiven, and that my sins are not greater than God's grace. I felt relieved that I could come and go and continue in this ministry knowing that I am more than the sum of my two abortions, knowing that God, in His infinite power, grace and wisdom, can use my mistakes and poor choices to minister to others who are hurting. That's my desire now. My heart's desire has always been to please Him, even though during darker times I strayed away from Him and found myself in serious messes.
I feel bad for the people I met who voiced no sympathy for the women and men who choose abortion, but rather seemed filled with a hate for them and a strong desire to make their condemnation known. I heard myself saying several times, "have you never been in a dark and desperate place, a place where you could not hear God's voice, and could not see any other option but the sinful one?" We have all been there, in some form or another. Maybe we didn't choose an abortion at that time, maybe we chose adultery, or thievery, or dishonesty of some kind, the sin does not matter, sin is sin.
In one of our weekend retreat activities, we stand with Jesus and the accused woman, and Jesus says to the Pharisees, "let the one among you without sin, cast the first stone," and that is what I kept hearing in the back of my mind as I looked at these indignant people, standing on the side of "truth," that had no love for the sinful person who chose abortion. When we start to do what Jesus did; love the sinner, not the sin, we will become more like Him.
It's no wonder it took more than a decade of work to come out of my grief and despair about my abortions. It's no wonder the hardest part for me was forgiving myself for what I had done. For many years I stood with these indignant people in condemning myself, in hating myself for the choices I had made; not one shred of compassion for myself to be found, but that was not of God, that was the enemy in all his finest, spinning his lies of hate and vehement accusation toward my soul. He nearly convinced me that I was unlovable and unforgivable, that my sin was too great, that I had finally pushed the limits too far, and that God would not have me back again. I let him convince me almost to the point of taking my own life to atone for those of my children, but thank God I didn't. The enemy was wrong. They are wrong. Abortion is a sin. I've never minced words about that and never will. But to make out like it is too big of a sin for God to forgive is evil work. God's grace can and does surpass this sin and all others in our world. I am thankful for the forgiveness I have received. I am thankful that when I look in the mirror I see more than an abortionist, I see a woman who despite her flaws and failures is loved anyway because of a sacrifice made many centuries ago on the Cross at Calvary for your sins and mine; and I graciously thank Jesus for dying for me again!
After more than a week of anticipation before the festival, I found myself experiencing all kinds of mixed emotions during my time in the booth this past Saturday. I felt at times relief to be in the company of others passing by that were proud to see our display and joined in our pleas to end abortion altogether; some of the time I was met with resistant, almost insulting glares from passers by that clearly were pro-choice; then at other times I was met with people who clearly had a heart for the unborn, and were so completely confused by the desire of any woman or man to "stop a beating heart in the womb." It was clear to me, as I presented the fact that many who choose abortion are hurting themselves, that we have a long way to go in educating people about the pain of the post abortive woman or man; along with cultivating a compassion for them, rather than the old stand by judgment and condemning of them.
At times I felt I needed to guard myself against the judgement I felt from some that were volunteering with me, luckily, I had been prepared for that through the Holy Spirit. While I felt the need to guard myself, I am thankful that I did not feel devastated by this; rather I was reminded that I am forgiven, and that my sins are not greater than God's grace. I felt relieved that I could come and go and continue in this ministry knowing that I am more than the sum of my two abortions, knowing that God, in His infinite power, grace and wisdom, can use my mistakes and poor choices to minister to others who are hurting. That's my desire now. My heart's desire has always been to please Him, even though during darker times I strayed away from Him and found myself in serious messes.
I feel bad for the people I met who voiced no sympathy for the women and men who choose abortion, but rather seemed filled with a hate for them and a strong desire to make their condemnation known. I heard myself saying several times, "have you never been in a dark and desperate place, a place where you could not hear God's voice, and could not see any other option but the sinful one?" We have all been there, in some form or another. Maybe we didn't choose an abortion at that time, maybe we chose adultery, or thievery, or dishonesty of some kind, the sin does not matter, sin is sin.
In one of our weekend retreat activities, we stand with Jesus and the accused woman, and Jesus says to the Pharisees, "let the one among you without sin, cast the first stone," and that is what I kept hearing in the back of my mind as I looked at these indignant people, standing on the side of "truth," that had no love for the sinful person who chose abortion. When we start to do what Jesus did; love the sinner, not the sin, we will become more like Him.
It's no wonder it took more than a decade of work to come out of my grief and despair about my abortions. It's no wonder the hardest part for me was forgiving myself for what I had done. For many years I stood with these indignant people in condemning myself, in hating myself for the choices I had made; not one shred of compassion for myself to be found, but that was not of God, that was the enemy in all his finest, spinning his lies of hate and vehement accusation toward my soul. He nearly convinced me that I was unlovable and unforgivable, that my sin was too great, that I had finally pushed the limits too far, and that God would not have me back again. I let him convince me almost to the point of taking my own life to atone for those of my children, but thank God I didn't. The enemy was wrong. They are wrong. Abortion is a sin. I've never minced words about that and never will. But to make out like it is too big of a sin for God to forgive is evil work. God's grace can and does surpass this sin and all others in our world. I am thankful for the forgiveness I have received. I am thankful that when I look in the mirror I see more than an abortionist, I see a woman who despite her flaws and failures is loved anyway because of a sacrifice made many centuries ago on the Cross at Calvary for your sins and mine; and I graciously thank Jesus for dying for me again!
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