God Isn't Far Away

     My calendar now rests on September.  I love the poems that are in this little calendar, and I draw much inspiration from the words I find there.

God Isn't Far Away

He is the light of this day.

He is the sky above you,

the earth beneath you,

and the life of every living thing.

He is in every smile,

in every thought that gives you hope,

in every tear that waters your soul,

and in every moment you can't 

face alone.

He's the love on your loved one's face.

He's in the friends along the way--

in strangers you have yet to meet

and blessings you have yet to receive.

He's in every good thing

that touches you.

He is in every step you make

and every breath you take.

He is never far away.

                     

                                  --Nancye Sims

     My prayer today is that You will draw nearer to me still, Lord.  You know my needs and those of my family.  We are trusting that You will provide all that is needed in your perfect time.  We are resting in faith and hope for Your plans to be revealed.  We love you, Father and we trust that the plans you have for us are good.

 

Insight #100

   

  
      In looking at the blinking line to begin the title of this post, my mind was blank.  I knew I wanted to share in this post the insight that I gained last week about emotions being triggered by things that people say and why, but this is one of I don't know how many insights I have come to share here in this blog.  So, I titled it "Insight #100" and will continue up in number from here, so that I can sort these types of posts out from now on.  If you've read much of this blog you already know that I value insight in my spiritual life very highly, because I believe it is the window into our souls that God gives us to help us in understanding our purposes here in this world to bring Him glory.  I truly believe insight is among our present day manna from heaven!

     I realized this past week how important it is for us to dig deeper than our surface reactions to things that people say and do that hurt us.  I was in a meeting last week in which a group member erroneously accused me, in front of the present members, of doing something that had cost the group financial/social gain.  My feelings were hurt immediately and I felt angry, so angry in fact that I could feel the blood filling up my face and head.  This person had slighted me several times prior to this incident in private/personal ways, and now they were doing it publicly as well.  I instantly thought of all of the hours of my time that I had given to the project they had referenced and how belittled those efforts had been from this person's comments, but it went deeper still.  I felt belittled as a person as well.  I felt devalued.  I felt criticized, and as if my efforts would never be "good enough."  I could go on and on about the feelings that surfaced, but I'm sure you understand my point. 

     As the week went on and I thought of this incident and the effect it had on my mood and my thoughts, I realized it wasn't what this person had said to me that was really bothering me, after all it was only one statement, it carried little value, as other group members came to my defense and I defended myself and proved the accusation was false.  So, why was my response so strong and powerful that it took me days to recuperate from this?  The reason is the insight itself.  The reason this person's comment bothered me so much wasn't the comment itself, but all of the years of emotions that it triggered inside my heart, mind and spirit that gave it it's power.

     Without knowing it, this person of similar age and description to my mother, had triggered old pains and self beliefs that had been planted and nurtured by my mother throughout my childhood and early adult life.  She had opened the box that I try so hard to keep locked tight and in its neat place on the shelf.  When I thought so much work had been done on this issue, surely I was finished with it, but this incident, along with one similar just months before, helped me to realize I still have a long way to go in healing from the damage of my abuse history.

     So, plainly said, the insight is that it's not what someone says that hurts us so much, it's all the pain and anger and "junk" they trigger with their hurtful statement that really matters to us and stirs us so deeply.  In the world of psychology, this is called "unfinished business," and evidently I have some of it left to finish.  Maybe the next time you are hurt by something someone says you can ask yourself, "why is this hurting me so much," "does this remind me of someone else from my past or present life," "do these feelings I'm having relate in some way to my past hurts or pains, and if so, why?"  These are all valuable questions to ask yourself, if you want to get to the root of who you are and how you exist in the world.  Ask God to help you to understand at times like this that you can feel, as I do, bewildered as to why someone would treat another human this way, what could possibly be their purpose in doing so?  Perhaps, like in this case, He allows it to show us a deeper understanding of who we are.  Perhaps He allows it to draw us into a closer relationship with Him.  Wouldn't both of these possibilities be worth it?  For me, the answer is a resounding, "Yes!"

One Knot at a Time

     I just went on a vacation to the beach with my family to celebrate Thanksgiving and 15 years of marriage to my wonderful husband.  It was a quiet time of rest and renewal, except for the knots...
     I love making things with my hands.  I taught myself to crochet a couple of years ago, and now I enjoy crocheting prayer shawls to give as gifts.  I happened to be working on one when it came time for our trip, so I took it with me, as I usually will take some kind of handiwork to do while relaxing.
     Well, I was happily crocheting along one evening when our time on the beach was done, when I ran into a rather large knot that was up inside the skein that I was using and had gone about 1/3 into.  The more I pulled and tried to untie the knots, the more they multiplied and the more frustrating they became.  I untied and untied, and untangled and untangled, and when one area was straightened and usable, another area seemed to multiply with knots and tangles in it.  Frustrated, I showed my husband the mess, for lack of a better word, and was encouraged to cut it, throw it away and start on a brand new skein..."no way that is going to come out..."
     Well, I thought about it, and the more I did, the more I felt I needed to work it out, I didn't know why, but I had the sense that this knot needed me, and I needed it.  I thought, "why in the world can't I just throw this away and start over...I'm wasting valuable time from my vacation...I don't think anything is going to help this unbelievable heap of yarn that has worked itself into a complete tizzy!"
     No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't give up on it.  I simply couldn't throw it away.  I felt compelled to work my way through this now series of knots and balls of complicated tangles!  The thought of cutting it made me cringe!  So, I decided to work out the knots one by one, and that if it took the rest of our vacation and until the year 2014, I would work out this complete maze of beautiful, shiny, soft yarn that I now felt some weird connection to...
     My sweet husband never said a word, he pretended not to notice when hour after hour I spent working through one knot after another and in the work I found my reason for doing it.  I was astounded when the insights started to occur to me, and I realized there was a real and undeniable reason that I had not let this particular mess go.
     One knot after another I realized that this ball and heap of messy, tangled up, practically nonredeemable string represented my life and the struggles in it. I realized that life is full of jams and creases that must be worked through and straightened out in order for us to be at peace.  I realized that the it took a tremendous amount of time and energy to work through those tangles and that often in pulling out a new knot, I had to go back over ground I had already covered.  I had to backtrack some of the time, I had to pull the same piece of string over and over again until it would finally break free from the pieces that held it bound to itself.
      If I could have stretched the yarn straight out in one, long line, it would have represented my life from birth to death, so I realized there were areas that were masted up and bound, and there were areas that were without hindrance and in essence, free.  I could clearly see that each part, whether it was free or bound, had some effect on the rest of the string and how it was able to function properly or not.  I realized that my life was affected now and always by the good times and the bad times, the times of struggle and the times of freedom.  I realized that each time was equally necessary, important and valuable.
     You know, eventually I did work out that mass of collective upheaval and felt an incredible sense of relief and accomplishment in having done so.  I used every inch of this special yarn, it, in all of its worn glory, to continue on in making the prayer shawl, and I can't wait to see who ends up receiving it.  I am thankful for it and the lessons it taught me, and for the hope that it gave me.  I know that no words can accurately describe the mess that I started out with, you would have had to have been there to really fully understand it, and so is the case with my life, and yours as well.
     We face turmoil and upsets and times of conflict and angst, but there is always hope.  We can always find some way to work through it, if we truly try and fully commit to it.  And it is in the times of peace and equally in the times of stressful events of one kind or another, that we live our beautiful and purposeful and valuable lives. 

Dawn

     I never really thought about it or realized how much I like my middle name, until recently.  Dawn, my middle name, was a part of me I just accepted at face value, and didn't really link it to the reality of what it means.  Isn't it funny how little things like that just escape notice sometimes in our lives:  Then, suddenly one day, it's like a sparkle or flash of light catches our eye; an we examine more closely and carefully that commonplace thing, whatever it may be, and discover the underlying beauty it has had all along in our lives.  I realized the dawn represents a new and fresh start each and every day, which happens to be one of the privileges of life that I adore most.  I taught school for almost a decade, before I stared counseling, and one of my favorite things about teaching was the fact that we enjoyed a summer break, and came back each school year for a new and fresh start.  I loved that feeling!  It was like a huge breath of fresh air.  In fact, I've been thinking all week about the teachers and students returning to the classroom for a new year, and how much I miss having a classroom full of eager students to get to know. 
      That is what God offers us each and every morning with the breaking of the dawn, a new start, a fresh beginning, and a precious opportunity to meet Him where we are.  He offers us renewal and regeneration, and hope through His everlasting love and strength.  When we think we can't face another day of missing our children, or dealing with the pain of guilt and shame that often becomes our existence, we are allowing evil to veil and obstruct the dawn's light.  We are missing the gift that is being extended to us through the breaking of a new day, and the shining of a restorative and healing light on our faces.  "The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day," Psalm 4:18.  Ask Him to shine the light of dawn in your heart and fill you with a radiance and warmth that only our Healer can give.  He is faithful to honor our prayers, all we need to do is ask.

"Free"

     Today I realized this little piece that had been hanging around for so long had more to say than I thought it did.  Today I realized it had a story to tell, well, a poem at least.  From the beginning I kept having the word "free" pop into my head when I was working on this piece, reminding me that I feel like a free bird now, not a caged one.   So today, I thought of pulling out one of my favorite poems to become part of this piece.  Maya Angelou wrote, "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings," and the first stanza fits this piece so well:

                                            "The free bird leaps on the back of the wind
                                              and floats downstream till the current ends
                                               and dips his wings in the orange sun rays
                                                          and dares to claim the sky."

     Have you ever been in an abusive relationship that left you feeling like a bird trapped in a cage?  And then one day some kind of catastrophe happened, like a hurricane, and your cage was knocked down and the door flew open and you knew you had to escape, or it would be the end of you?  But you didn't want to leave, because that cage was the only thing you had ever known, and you very much loved and needed and wanted the person keeping you in the cage in your life?  Knowing you could never, ever replace that person made you not want to be let go.   But then, against your wishes, you were freed from the cage by some awful thing, free to be all that you were created to be, but the freedom was scary, and you desperately wanted to be back where you felt comfortable or at least knew what to expect, but you knew you could never go back there?  It was a dark place to be until one day, you pulled back the curtain and felt the sun on your face and realized at last that you really were FREE, could really see the freedom right in front of you!  Free for the first time in your life, unfortunately it's bittersweet, because you didn't want to be free from the person keeping you in the cage, you just wanted to be free of the cage.  You just wanted the person keeping you in the cage to stop trying to keep you bound, and just let you be free WITH them...

"Free" 12" x 12"

Detail of "Free"

      This was a blog entry from my fiber art website, which is very meaningful to me.  You may want to check out my art site at kimberlyollis.com  Much of my artwork is therapeutic, and I use it to work through my own issues of grief and loss.

What Power is in this Reassurance!

     One of my very favorite verses is Psalm 32:7, "You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."  It makes me feel such a sense of peace and gives me a true understanding of what my Heavenly Father wants for me every single time I read this verse.  Have you ever noticed how beautiful this verse and others sound when you read them aloud?  I can feel the presence of God around me, through me and in me, when I read His word out loud!  

     I know He accepts me just as I am.  He meets me right where I am.  He sees me for who I am and accepts and loves me for it.  He folds me into His arms just as I do my four year old son.  No reservations, no hidden agendas, no "yeah, buts," no fears, just love; pure, holy love.  He will protect me from trouble, and I know that no matter what comes, no matter what I do, He will never leave me or forsake me.  Through Him I can face any obstacle, any force, any fear, and any situation.  What a feeling of assurance to realize the very nature of Him; that He is everywhere all the time, and never falters, never fails.  That He will be steadfast until the very end, and even beyond.

     I believe He is and will surround me with songs of deliverance!  No matter what I've done in the past, no matter how unforgivable I have thought I was, He will deliver me from it!  He does forgive, and does forget, and does heal us and delivers us from the dark places we sometimes go.  He is for us, who can be against us?  You may think/feel/believe that deliverance is fine for everyone else, but not for you; however, I'm hear to tell you deliverance is for EVERYONE!  Every single one of us needs forgiveness and needs deliverance from some evil thing, every one of us.  All we have to do is ask for it.  Ask with a clean heart, with a humble spirit, with a mind set of never doing that horrible thing that you did, whatever it was, again, and deliverance will be given to you.  You will be able to see signs of it in your everyday life.  You will begin to notice beauty in the small.  You will begin to see "God winks" everywhere.  You will begin to hear Him speak in your heart, in your mind.  Your life will change.  He doesn't want his people to be bound by any stronghold whatsoever.  If we've confessed our sin to Him and asked for forgiveness and know that we intend to try our best to never do it again, then He is faithful in forgiving.  He is able and willing to deliver us from our pit of self-loathing, self-destruction, and pain.  He doesn't want his children to be bound up constantly looking backward, holding our heads down, feeling ashamed of who we are or what we've done; these things are the opposite of what He wants.  God said David was a man after His own heart.  David knows what he is talking about here in this verse.  Believe it today, and your life will change.

Make a U-Turn

My young son attends preschool a couple of days a week for 1 hour and 45 minutes per blissful, Mommy-time session.  I had been sitting in the car waiting for him, and using that time to read, pray, meditate, and write--valuable time well spent.  This morning I decided to go exploring, as his preschool site is on the opposite end of the county we live in, so it is not an area I spend very much time in usually.  I drove around and around down this country road and that road looking at new, and sometimes old places, for a change of pace.  If I got uncomfortable about the thought of getting lost, I made a U-Turn and went the other way.  If I felt curious about where a particular road went, I turned onto that road and went with it, being sure to be aware of landmarks and direction changes.  It was fun and liberating.  I discovered a walking track a couple of miles from there, which made my journey that much sweeter.

Isn't it wonderful that we have the choice in our lives to dictate which way we go and which path we take?  Even when it seems like we have no choice, we still do have a choice.  If we don't like how things are going in our lives, we have the right to change what is not working.  We can travel a different road in terms of our relationships, our careers, our goals and dreams.  If we don't like how things are, we have the power to make a change, to do something different---anytime we want to, and not until we want to.

Unfortunately, in life there are problems that arise that have no real solution, I know, I live in one every day.  Sometimes if we can't effect change on the actual problem or situation, we have to make the change inside our own hearts and minds.  Sometimes the change is internal, not external---doesn't matter, it's still a change.  Making a change in the way we view an issue is very healthy and can move us from being stuck in emotional pain and guilt, which drain us of our resources and lessen opportunities.

So, if you sense you're on the wrong road or heading in the wrong direction, ask yourself  what you would like to change and what would you like to do differently.  The process may be a bit scary and anxiety producing in the beginning, but most of the time growth does feel that way.  And you may agree that most of the time, in the end, it's worth it.