I was offered the opportunity to volunteer in the Pro-Life booth of our town's festival this past weekend, along with the opportunity to pass out information about the upcoming retreat and Oaks Studio ministry. I was thrilled to be asked and anticipated my time there all last week.
After more than a week of anticipation before the festival, I found myself experiencing all kinds of mixed emotions during my time in the booth this past Saturday. I felt at times relief to be in the company of others passing by that were proud to see our display and joined in our pleas to end abortion altogether; some of the time I was met with resistant, almost insulting glares from passers by that clearly were pro-choice; then at other times I was met with people who clearly had a heart for the unborn, and were so completely confused by the desire of any woman or man to "stop a beating heart in the womb." It was clear to me, as I presented the fact that many who choose abortion are hurting themselves, that we have a long way to go in educating people about the pain of the post abortive woman or man; along with cultivating a compassion for them, rather than the old stand by judgment and condemning of them.
At times I felt I needed to guard myself against the judgement I felt from some that were volunteering with me, luckily, I had been prepared for that through the Holy Spirit. While I felt the need to guard myself, I am thankful that I did not feel devastated by this; rather I was reminded that I am forgiven, and that my sins are not greater than God's grace. I felt relieved that I could come and go and continue in this ministry knowing that I am more than the sum of my two abortions, knowing that God, in His infinite power, grace and wisdom, can use my mistakes and poor choices to minister to others who are hurting. That's my desire now. My heart's desire has always been to please Him, even though during darker times I strayed away from Him and found myself in serious messes.
I feel bad for the people I met who voiced no sympathy for the women and men who choose abortion, but rather seemed filled with a hate for them and a strong desire to make their condemnation known. I heard myself saying several times, "have you never been in a dark and desperate place, a place where you could not hear God's voice, and could not see any other option but the sinful one?" We have all been there, in some form or another. Maybe we didn't choose an abortion at that time, maybe we chose adultery, or thievery, or dishonesty of some kind, the sin does not matter, sin is sin.
In one of our weekend retreat activities, we stand with Jesus and the accused woman, and Jesus says to the Pharisees, "let the one among you without sin, cast the first stone," and that is what I kept hearing in the back of my mind as I looked at these indignant people, standing on the side of "truth," that had no love for the sinful person who chose abortion. When we start to do what Jesus did; love the sinner, not the sin, we will become more like Him.
It's no wonder it took more than a decade of work to come out of my grief and despair about my abortions. It's no wonder the hardest part for me was forgiving myself for what I had done. For many years I stood with these indignant people in condemning myself, in hating myself for the choices I had made; not one shred of compassion for myself to be found, but that was not of God, that was the enemy in all his finest, spinning his lies of hate and vehement accusation toward my soul. He nearly convinced me that I was unlovable and unforgivable, that my sin was too great, that I had finally pushed the limits too far, and that God would not have me back again. I let him convince me almost to the point of taking my own life to atone for those of my children, but thank God I didn't. The enemy was wrong. They are wrong. Abortion is a sin. I've never minced words about that and never will. But to make out like it is too big of a sin for God to forgive is evil work. God's grace can and does surpass this sin and all others in our world. I am thankful for the forgiveness I have received. I am thankful that when I look in the mirror I see more than an abortionist, I see a woman who despite her flaws and failures is loved anyway because of a sacrifice made many centuries ago on the Cross at Calvary for your sins and mine; and I graciously thank Jesus for dying for me again!
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