Rachel's Vineyard Retreat

     I co-facilitated a Rachel's Vineyard Memorial Service yesterday.  Our retreats take place twice a year, once in October and once in March, and they are unbelievably powerful!  I listened as mother after mother stood up to tearfully and arduously share something that she had written for or made for her lost child, and share with the group her grief and sorrow regarding her decision to terminate the life of her child.  Many of these women had been struggling with carrying this burden for 20 or more years.  Can you imagine torturing yourself about this choice for two decades?  Can you imagine the self-loathing, the self-hatred, the unbelievable sorrow and darkness these women have felt?  Can you imagine how much the quality of their lives and their other relationships have been impacted by their hidden griefs.  My heart goes out to each of them. 

     There is so much fear wrapped up in carrying this secret grief.  Words aren't enough to describe what post abortive women go through as they try to manage their lives and deal with the sorrow of not having their child(ren) in their lives, through their own choice to abort, at the same time.  As I've said in other posts, the majority of women who abort do not want to do it, but feel that they have no other possible choice instead.  They can truly see no other option.  So, this loss is no less painful than the woman who experiences a miscarriage, then you have the guilt on top of that pain of loss.  The guilt of knowing that you are responsible for the death of your unborn child, and that you have survived instead of your child; this survival guilt is often debilitating and paralyzing.

     The retreats are designed to free women from the guilt that they have been carrying, their own responsibility is not shirked by any means, it is accepted and each and every woman comes to the realization that yes, she had an abortion(s), and yes, it was a sin and it was horrible and awful and it has left her with a gaping hole in her life; it has often caused her more physical pain than she would ever have imagined, (for example through, breast cancer, ovarian damage, and sterilization); it has shrouded parts of her life in secrecy and shame due to the fear of judgment and rejection from others, it has caused immeasurable psychological damage, often leading to depression and PTSD and anxiety symptoms for many years following the abortion.  Retreat participants go through a rigorous weekend of psychological, emotional and spiritual work as they bring this sin and all of its consequences to the loving and forgiving hands of Jesus Christ, and ask for and accept His healing touch in their hearts and minds. Hopefully at some point during the weekend, the participants will finally be able to forgive themselves and fully accept that God has forgiven them as well.  The transformation for the fully open and participating woman or man is something to witness, it is amazing to see God's hand working in the lives of these people.  The memorial services offer closure to those who have lost their child through abortion and have not had the opportunity to have the end of their child's life memorialized and put to rest.  Finally they have a safe place to return to on those days that they miss their child(ren) so deeply that it is difficult to function, should they choose to do so.

     These retreats are not magical, they do not take all of the pain away forever, but they help to put to rest some of the evil strongholds that post abortive women grapple with.  These participants have to continue to face day after day without their child(ren) in their lives, that consequence never goes away, so the grief never completely dissipates, but it is truly manageable following their retreats for most of the participants.  The extent on which they rely on Jesus to heal them, determines greatly how much peace is experienced following the retreats.  I would greatly recommend Rachel's Vineyard Retreats to anyone who is struggling with the reality of life after an abortion choice.  Check out their site and schedule here, retreats are scheduled worldwide.  I hope that you will go, if you need this type of ministry, I know it is a sort of scary thought, but you are worth it, and if you are post abortive, you need it!