I have encountered people in my work that believe that if a woman has had more than one abortion, she must be using it as a form of birth control. Speaking as a woman who has had two abortions and have counseled many women with multiple abortions, and continue to counsel them, I disagree strongly.
One example that comes to mind took place when I was dining with a very nice, Christian woman, whom I had previously met in a photography class. That evening at the restaurant we were discussing ministry work. She talked about her family touring to perform and preach from place to place and all of the work they had done as foster parents over the years for troubled youth. I was impressed at how dedicated they were and imagined all of the young males that they had given safe harbor to and assisted over the years they had committed to doing this type of ministry.
We both agreed that we had felt a kinship during our semester long class together and felt perhaps God led us to each other to open a door for another kind of ministry he had planned for us to do together. We talked about opening a youth program involving the arts in some way, since we both had skills and experience in artistic endeavors. We were enjoying a wonderful time talking about all of the options and possibilities.
Then the conversation turned to my ministry work and what that looks like. I shared about Rachel's Vineyard and the weekend retreats that we offer as an Interdenominational site, and she was immediately interested to hear more. She openly shared that she had an abortion when she was a teenager and had kept it a secret all these years. She further said that she was okay and didn't think about it very much and didn't feel it was an issue of grief for her. I shared that I had experienced abortion too and that I had struggled for many years to cope and accept these losses and their impact on my life. She caught the plural reference I had used and realized I had chosen more than once to have an abortion. Her demeanor and body language immediately changed and she shrugged her shoulders and said that women who have more than one are just "using it as a form of birth control," and tagged something derogatory that I cannot recall, to the end of her sentence. In that moment, watching her face and her eyes that would not meet mine, I could physically see her judging me for the same exact experience that she had had all those years ago. She discussed no further our collaboration in ministry work and we soon wrapped up our dinner together. I could tell she was uncomfortable and wanted to flee the scene, and I felt somewhat dismayed as I realized the fullness of her denial, as she hid behind me to keep from judging herself.
She wasn't the only person, there have been many. Another woman that comes to mind attended a retreat that I facilitated. Though she had had an abortion when she was in college, the sharing of my abortion experiences revealed a strong sense of disdain and judgment for the sins I had committed. It is so clear and definitive when it happens, there is no mistaking the change that takes place in those who judge.
I think it is interesting that we even judge each other for sins that we have both committed, errors that we both have made. Why do we do that? Why do many of us do that? It has always felt so bizarre to me to consider, because in my experience of meeting and hearing the story of women who have had three or more abortions, I do not consider myself better than them or able to stand in judgement for them whatsoever. Rather, my inclination is to think about how much harder it must be to carry that burden from day to day; it compels compassion and empathy in me, not condemnation and superiority.
I believe we as people need to take a moment and realize that we are all humans, incapable of perfection and flawed in a variety of ways on and on to infinity. We need to realize how much power words have and the consequences of words we utter without taking the time to consider how we would feel on the receiving end of those words. We must stop hurling blanket statements at others regarding experiences and choices, and yes mistakes, with which we have no experience and or comparison to understand. Even if I stand by another post-abortive woman and we share of our experiences in those cold, closed places, our stories will be monumentally different and varied, as will our reasons for and beliefs about those experiences.
Research has shown that having multiple abortions is the greatest indicator of trauma, in many instances giving the woman a method or pathway for continuing to reenact her shame, self-loathing and grief, to name a few, that she has become so accustomed to in her past experiences. These are not conscious thoughts or plans or behaviors, but ones that happen covertly through our choices and decisions, or lack thereof, that lead to the abortions.
I remember a supervisor many years ago, when I first started my counseling career who, one day in consulting about a teenage girl's case, said, "well, if she is not taking birth control, then she is trying to get pregnant!" She made this statement definitively and continued to repeat it, in response to mine and another co-worker's expressions of disbelief, I would imagine. I remember thinking, "that's not true in my situation. I wasn't taking birth control, but I absolutely, positively was NOT trying to get pregnant!" However, sometimes I have to wonder if subconsciously I was trying, without even knowing it. Let's put it this way, I was not consciously, knowingly not taking birth control so that I could get pregnant and have an abortion, of that I am positive. I remember the utter and complete panic, crippling fear and overwhelming emotions that erupted with being informed that I was with child; no one in their right mind would choose for those experiences to happen.
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Monday, June 15, 2015
To Tell or Not to Tell
When I was studying various sources during my work toward healing following my abortions, I read differing views about sharing abortions with others and whether or not it was recommended as a healing step to take. There are various camps that see this issue from opposing viewpoints. I have my own views about it, which were established following doing a little of all that I researched and thought was "the right way" to do it, combined with what I actually did and my experiences from it, and others' experiences that have been shared with me.
One source I read was quite convincing that the post-abortive need to confess their sins in front of others in order to be fully healed following an abortion. Isn't that what the Bible says after all, "confess your sins one to another..?" (James 5:16) The last part of that verse is, "and pray for each other so that you may be healed." I believe this verse applies to those of us who are post-abortive, but I believe we need to be extremely careful who we confess this sin to, because as we know, information like this is not safe in everyone's hands. I do not believe this is a blanket statement or recommendation for every person who encounters this dilemma. I know a woman who also serves in post abortion ministry, who believed that she was expected to stand in front of her church and confess this sin to her congregation. She was convicted, she said, to do this, and felt led by God to stand in the pulpit and make this confession publicly. She followed what she felt was God's leading in her life, and did confess her abortion from many years prior, when she was 16 years old. Unfortunately, as you might suspect, she was judged harshly by many of the people in her church, which led to her being rejected on a completely different level. She was very wounded by the behaviors of some of the people there, Christian people she believed she could trust. I also believe that sharing these experiences with others can be extremely helpful and healing, but we must scrutinize every individual with which we contemplate sharing it. Because, there are many people who care more about judging others in an attempt to cast themselves in a more favorable light, than there are focusing on praying for healing for the person who shares this raw information. I am sad to say it, but not everyone is worthy of such delicate and potentially harmful confessions. Some people absolutely love to get their hands on juicy details of others' lives, so that at an opportune time, they can use it to damage another person's reputation and character. We can easily recognize the evil root of these types of behaviors.
I have found comfort in sharing my story with a very trusted friend of many years. I would have trusted my life with her, and at the time, I did in a very real way. She received me with love and showered me with support to heal from the pain she could see all over my face and body. She extended God's love in that time, and in the years since then. I picked this friend very carefully, because I knew her heart was after God's heart and that she did not intend evil toward me or my family. She has never experienced the devastating pain abortion can bring to one's life, but her husband has and after our conversation her eyes were opened to a whole different dimension of his person-hood. She was able to extend love, compassion and mercy to both of us, which was very healing to each of us in our own ways. She and her husband continue to contribute to our Oaks Studio Team's work on our site's Rachel's Vineyard Retreats in very special ways. What a blessing they both are to us and those we serve!
My point in a nutshell is we MUST be careful who we share our experiences of abortion, and in what way we do that. Make sure that you are confiding in a very close and trusted friend or family member. Sharing with a therapist may be a good first person to share with, as they have no other connections in your life and can hopefully be completely objective about their counsel of you during that time. Even with a therapist, I would recommend establishing trust and rapport with them before venturing into this very treacherous territory. Make sure you understand their views generally regarding abortion, because it is important for them to match your views closely. There is more to share on this subject, so I will say more in a different post soon.
One source I read was quite convincing that the post-abortive need to confess their sins in front of others in order to be fully healed following an abortion. Isn't that what the Bible says after all, "confess your sins one to another..?" (James 5:16) The last part of that verse is, "and pray for each other so that you may be healed." I believe this verse applies to those of us who are post-abortive, but I believe we need to be extremely careful who we confess this sin to, because as we know, information like this is not safe in everyone's hands. I do not believe this is a blanket statement or recommendation for every person who encounters this dilemma. I know a woman who also serves in post abortion ministry, who believed that she was expected to stand in front of her church and confess this sin to her congregation. She was convicted, she said, to do this, and felt led by God to stand in the pulpit and make this confession publicly. She followed what she felt was God's leading in her life, and did confess her abortion from many years prior, when she was 16 years old. Unfortunately, as you might suspect, she was judged harshly by many of the people in her church, which led to her being rejected on a completely different level. She was very wounded by the behaviors of some of the people there, Christian people she believed she could trust. I also believe that sharing these experiences with others can be extremely helpful and healing, but we must scrutinize every individual with which we contemplate sharing it. Because, there are many people who care more about judging others in an attempt to cast themselves in a more favorable light, than there are focusing on praying for healing for the person who shares this raw information. I am sad to say it, but not everyone is worthy of such delicate and potentially harmful confessions. Some people absolutely love to get their hands on juicy details of others' lives, so that at an opportune time, they can use it to damage another person's reputation and character. We can easily recognize the evil root of these types of behaviors.
I have found comfort in sharing my story with a very trusted friend of many years. I would have trusted my life with her, and at the time, I did in a very real way. She received me with love and showered me with support to heal from the pain she could see all over my face and body. She extended God's love in that time, and in the years since then. I picked this friend very carefully, because I knew her heart was after God's heart and that she did not intend evil toward me or my family. She has never experienced the devastating pain abortion can bring to one's life, but her husband has and after our conversation her eyes were opened to a whole different dimension of his person-hood. She was able to extend love, compassion and mercy to both of us, which was very healing to each of us in our own ways. She and her husband continue to contribute to our Oaks Studio Team's work on our site's Rachel's Vineyard Retreats in very special ways. What a blessing they both are to us and those we serve!
My point in a nutshell is we MUST be careful who we share our experiences of abortion, and in what way we do that. Make sure that you are confiding in a very close and trusted friend or family member. Sharing with a therapist may be a good first person to share with, as they have no other connections in your life and can hopefully be completely objective about their counsel of you during that time. Even with a therapist, I would recommend establishing trust and rapport with them before venturing into this very treacherous territory. Make sure you understand their views generally regarding abortion, because it is important for them to match your views closely. There is more to share on this subject, so I will say more in a different post soon.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Abortion's Storm
There are so many twists and turns in life, sometimes it's hard for me to believe that they just keep coming. For so long, I've wondered when my life would be in a calm and peaceful place. It seems that about the time I get through one storm another one is raging in the distance and I'm bowing up my shoulders to brace myself for what is to come. A friend and I were talking this week, "Sometimes I think God must think I'm a strong person, since He has promised to never give me more than I can handle," she said followed by our soft laughs. Then reality chimed in and there was a brief silence as both of us looked through the flood of images that came to mind of events and experiences that have challenged us and caused great growth, even though we would just as soon be without them--growth or not.
I often thank God for my healing following my abortions, both physically and emotionally, and I'm thankful that abortion grief is no longer a debilitater for me. There were many years that the abortions were my "storm" and my "devastation." There were times that I thought I would never come out of the depression, gloom and dark fog that surrounded me. I believed I would always be there, that I was being swallowed up by it and consumed; all the while much of me believing that if I was, it would be what I deserved to have happen to me, as atonement for my unforgivable sins. Years later, I know better, I know that dreadful time was for my grieving and was necessary to find my peace and come to terms with my past choices.
Many women that I work with in therapy are interested in knowing how they will know when they are "healed" from their abortions. Sometimes the people who attend the retreats are wondering the same thing, even feeling somewhat guilty, if they don't feel 'healed' by the end of the weekend. I've had some say, "I'm afraid to come to the retreat, what if it doesn't work and what if I'm not healed by the end?" My response is, "you'll be healed when you are healed, don't try to encapsulate it into a defined time period, because grief doesn't work that way." I encourage all people who approach me in various ways seeking the release from the pain and sorrow they feel to wait and listen and allow the process to happen in their hearts and minds and bodies. I am honest with people, I always share that they will know when they are healed because they will be able to think of their lost children and not be overcome with emotions, whether they are guilt, sorrow, longing or some other personally disturbing emotion. This is a personal process, grief always is. Abortion leads to a complicated type of grief that takes an enormous amount of time to work through, before the final stage of acceptance can be eased into with any kind of permanency. Many people are miserable and want instant relief and a quick fix, but I'm afraid the best we can do is help them cope with their symptoms as they allow this long and painful process to unfold.
Those of us who have had involuntary abortions, in the sense that we felt coerced instead of willing and ready for our choices, will have a scar for life that will never go away. What does eventually go away are the ways in which we torture ourselves as we come to terms with why and how we came to be post-abortive. The symptoms that take over and derail our lives subside as we work through the pain and grief, step by step and little by little. It is a painful process, which is why so many people divert their attention elsewhere and avoid facing the truth of the pain head on, leading to differing ways of numbing our pain through various types of addictions/distractions and poor methods of coping.
It is not easy or quick or painless, but healing is possible for those who seek it and are willing to do the emotional, mental and soul work that is necessary. A happy and fulfilling life can be ours again, even for those struggling after an abortion, but we must work through it instead of running away from it.
I often thank God for my healing following my abortions, both physically and emotionally, and I'm thankful that abortion grief is no longer a debilitater for me. There were many years that the abortions were my "storm" and my "devastation." There were times that I thought I would never come out of the depression, gloom and dark fog that surrounded me. I believed I would always be there, that I was being swallowed up by it and consumed; all the while much of me believing that if I was, it would be what I deserved to have happen to me, as atonement for my unforgivable sins. Years later, I know better, I know that dreadful time was for my grieving and was necessary to find my peace and come to terms with my past choices.
Many women that I work with in therapy are interested in knowing how they will know when they are "healed" from their abortions. Sometimes the people who attend the retreats are wondering the same thing, even feeling somewhat guilty, if they don't feel 'healed' by the end of the weekend. I've had some say, "I'm afraid to come to the retreat, what if it doesn't work and what if I'm not healed by the end?" My response is, "you'll be healed when you are healed, don't try to encapsulate it into a defined time period, because grief doesn't work that way." I encourage all people who approach me in various ways seeking the release from the pain and sorrow they feel to wait and listen and allow the process to happen in their hearts and minds and bodies. I am honest with people, I always share that they will know when they are healed because they will be able to think of their lost children and not be overcome with emotions, whether they are guilt, sorrow, longing or some other personally disturbing emotion. This is a personal process, grief always is. Abortion leads to a complicated type of grief that takes an enormous amount of time to work through, before the final stage of acceptance can be eased into with any kind of permanency. Many people are miserable and want instant relief and a quick fix, but I'm afraid the best we can do is help them cope with their symptoms as they allow this long and painful process to unfold.
Those of us who have had involuntary abortions, in the sense that we felt coerced instead of willing and ready for our choices, will have a scar for life that will never go away. What does eventually go away are the ways in which we torture ourselves as we come to terms with why and how we came to be post-abortive. The symptoms that take over and derail our lives subside as we work through the pain and grief, step by step and little by little. It is a painful process, which is why so many people divert their attention elsewhere and avoid facing the truth of the pain head on, leading to differing ways of numbing our pain through various types of addictions/distractions and poor methods of coping.
It is not easy or quick or painless, but healing is possible for those who seek it and are willing to do the emotional, mental and soul work that is necessary. A happy and fulfilling life can be ours again, even for those struggling after an abortion, but we must work through it instead of running away from it.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Forgiving Myself
The struggle of forgiving ourselves for our abortions is the greatest and toughest common denominator I see in all of my work in post-abortion healing. We all wrestle with the feelings and thoughts of NEVER believing we deserve to forgive ourselves, and with the questions about whether or not we REALLY are forgiven by God. I hope these words will help to clarify the path to working through this spiritual and emotional conflict, and lead you to a sense of peace and understanding.
Accepting God's forgiveness for our abortions is a decision and a choice that we make in faith. God invites us to do this, and we must be open to receiving His grace for our sins.
1 John 1:9 tells us, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." I believe this verse holds so many paramount truths for the post abortive world. I believe God included the word "all" for us, because we feel our sin is greater than any other! It is confusing to think of God being "just" yet forgiving us for this particular sin. We think that justice for what we have done would be for us to die too. We feel that is what we deserve after we have chosen abortion. Clearly, that is not what God has in mind. Jesus died on the cross, so that we all may have forgiveness and salvation. For all sins, he died, and ALL sins are forgiven. And not only does he forgive us, but he also purifies us of our unrighteousness. Have you ever felt dirty because of your choice? Have you ever felt you could never bathe yourself enough to ever was away the filth of what you have done? I've been there, I too felt that way before; but it is a lie the accuser uses to keep us in bondage, to keep us believing we are unworthy of the grace God has extended to us every minute of every day we live.
Today, make the choice to accept God's forgiveness, even though you may not feel it. Make the choice to accept your own forgiveness, even though you may not feel it or believe it. Accept these gifts by faith, not sight or feeling. Accept them to be true, because you know God is faithful. Because you know he is just. Because you know he is righteous. Remember that when we can't accept his forgiveness, we cannot forgive others. If we're not accepting grace, then grace cannot flow out of us to others.
1 John 3:20 tells us, "whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." It is no doubt that our hearts will condemn us, and that the accuser will condemn us, but God is greater than our hearts and definitely greater than our adversary. We must reaffirm each time this lie flies up in our faces and remind ourselves that we have confessed our sins and that God has forgiven us, even that we have forgiven ourselves.
Don't wait on your heart to agree with your head. It will not happen for a long time. Your choosing to accept the grace God gives, and further extending that grace to yourself, is a worthy choice that assures God that you believe his promises. He has made it clear in his word that our confessed sins are forgiven and cleansed. Every time you hear the accusing words start again in your head, say to God in the silence of your head or as loud as you want with your voice, "I have accepted your forgiveness, Lord and I thank you for helping me forgive myself. I believe in your faithfulness. I believe in your grace. Thank you, Lord for purifying me today." Believe me when I say that over time, you will have peace of mind, when it comes to accepting God's forgiveness and forgiving yourself. I promise you, if you practice this prayer and meditation, you will feel in your heart what your head knows is best right now. May God bless you as you accept his forgiveness and extend that grace to yourself.
Accepting God's forgiveness for our abortions is a decision and a choice that we make in faith. God invites us to do this, and we must be open to receiving His grace for our sins.
1 John 1:9 tells us, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." I believe this verse holds so many paramount truths for the post abortive world. I believe God included the word "all" for us, because we feel our sin is greater than any other! It is confusing to think of God being "just" yet forgiving us for this particular sin. We think that justice for what we have done would be for us to die too. We feel that is what we deserve after we have chosen abortion. Clearly, that is not what God has in mind. Jesus died on the cross, so that we all may have forgiveness and salvation. For all sins, he died, and ALL sins are forgiven. And not only does he forgive us, but he also purifies us of our unrighteousness. Have you ever felt dirty because of your choice? Have you ever felt you could never bathe yourself enough to ever was away the filth of what you have done? I've been there, I too felt that way before; but it is a lie the accuser uses to keep us in bondage, to keep us believing we are unworthy of the grace God has extended to us every minute of every day we live.
Today, make the choice to accept God's forgiveness, even though you may not feel it. Make the choice to accept your own forgiveness, even though you may not feel it or believe it. Accept these gifts by faith, not sight or feeling. Accept them to be true, because you know God is faithful. Because you know he is just. Because you know he is righteous. Remember that when we can't accept his forgiveness, we cannot forgive others. If we're not accepting grace, then grace cannot flow out of us to others.
1 John 3:20 tells us, "whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." It is no doubt that our hearts will condemn us, and that the accuser will condemn us, but God is greater than our hearts and definitely greater than our adversary. We must reaffirm each time this lie flies up in our faces and remind ourselves that we have confessed our sins and that God has forgiven us, even that we have forgiven ourselves.
Don't wait on your heart to agree with your head. It will not happen for a long time. Your choosing to accept the grace God gives, and further extending that grace to yourself, is a worthy choice that assures God that you believe his promises. He has made it clear in his word that our confessed sins are forgiven and cleansed. Every time you hear the accusing words start again in your head, say to God in the silence of your head or as loud as you want with your voice, "I have accepted your forgiveness, Lord and I thank you for helping me forgive myself. I believe in your faithfulness. I believe in your grace. Thank you, Lord for purifying me today." Believe me when I say that over time, you will have peace of mind, when it comes to accepting God's forgiveness and forgiving yourself. I promise you, if you practice this prayer and meditation, you will feel in your heart what your head knows is best right now. May God bless you as you accept his forgiveness and extend that grace to yourself.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Thought loops
Lots of thoughts clamor around in my head; back and forth, in and out, up and down. Making sense of the the mumbles and whispers, and even shouts at times that make my heart pound is scary and tiring. How many times do we think a thought before it is a dead thought, a waste of time, I sometimes wonder. Why do I think the same things over and over again and expect to understand the answers more clearly? Is "beating the dead horse" going to get me anywhere? Apparently my mind thinks so, it keeps revisiting over and over the same areas and thoughts. Psychologists, counselors and others call these thought loops. They play over and over and become quite intrusive at times, seemingly taking away our ability to focus, concentrate and maintain our serenity. These thought loops are sometimes productive. Sometimes, I think they draw attention to areas we still need to keep excavating and examining for meaning and connection and purpose in the grand scheme of our lives; they are the why's, the how's, the what-if's in life. They're like someone, whose trying to get our attention, who stands beside us pecking on our shoulder, "excuse me," they might say, "have you thought about this yet...," or "maybe it's this..." It is endless and natural, and we can only hope, productive at times. Productive in that they reveal to us new bits and pieces of understanding into who we are, how we arrived at our current state of being, and our unique purposes in life.
"It's My Mom's Fault"
There is a strong correlation in today's adults between abortion and abuse in childhood and adolescence, this is a proven fact. These days there seems to be a bit of a tug of war between one side saying, "It's my Mom's fault how I act, she did this to me," and the opposing side, "You can't blame your parents for your life, take responsibility for yourself." I think somewhere in between these two statements lies the full and complete truth. There is a huge difference between blame and acknowledgement.
How we are raised, the environment in which we develop; the rules that we hear, spoken and non-spoken all contribute to who we are. The behaviors modeled by the adults in our lives matter and do impact who we become. The way we are treated makes a difference. Dysfunction effects us, and along with everything else mentioned and much more, shapes us into who we are. The experiences we have, the memories that are created, they are all a part of us. Nature is only part of us, the way we are nurtured has huge implications in our lives, and ultimately in our choices.
If we take a serious look at our pasts and determine in retrospect, that we believe we were mistreated or abused, this fact is very important for individuals to acknowledge. This type of insight and understanding is so very important to helping us realize who we are and why we are the way we are; and further, why we may make the choices we make. This type of introspection helps us to dissect our lives and gives us a clearer understanding of our identities, and the essence of who we are.
To acknowledge the fact that our parents, or guardians, have in some way negatively impacted our development in a major way is not the same as saying their treatment of us is the reason for every mistake we ever make. We can fully understand the precipitating events in our lives that may have caused us to be predisposed to making certain choices, while taking full and complete responsibility for what we have done. Is it fair to say that our parents, guardians, and others share a portion of the responsibility for how we arrive at the decisions we make? In many cases of abuse and neglect, I would answer a resounding yes, in many cases! Especially in regards to the decisions and choices we make in early adulthood. Those years, when we are first launched into this sometimes cruel and unforgiving world. If we have been raised in a stable, loving and nurturing environment, where our physical, emotional and spiritual needs are being met, we are more likely to be able to make healthy, sound and informed decisions. On the contrary, if we have suffered abuse and our needs have not been met, our choices are drastically effected by our states of mind and development, or lack there of.
I am all about taking responsibility for my choices and where my life is at this very moment. I own the decisions I have made. I also acknowledge my upbringing and the abuse I withstood impacted my life in lasting and profound ways. I continue on in my search to make meaning of all that has happened to me, and I hope you do the same. Recognizing our histories is natural and necessary in our quest to fully understanding ourselves and developing into our highest and best selves.
How we are raised, the environment in which we develop; the rules that we hear, spoken and non-spoken all contribute to who we are. The behaviors modeled by the adults in our lives matter and do impact who we become. The way we are treated makes a difference. Dysfunction effects us, and along with everything else mentioned and much more, shapes us into who we are. The experiences we have, the memories that are created, they are all a part of us. Nature is only part of us, the way we are nurtured has huge implications in our lives, and ultimately in our choices.
If we take a serious look at our pasts and determine in retrospect, that we believe we were mistreated or abused, this fact is very important for individuals to acknowledge. This type of insight and understanding is so very important to helping us realize who we are and why we are the way we are; and further, why we may make the choices we make. This type of introspection helps us to dissect our lives and gives us a clearer understanding of our identities, and the essence of who we are.
To acknowledge the fact that our parents, or guardians, have in some way negatively impacted our development in a major way is not the same as saying their treatment of us is the reason for every mistake we ever make. We can fully understand the precipitating events in our lives that may have caused us to be predisposed to making certain choices, while taking full and complete responsibility for what we have done. Is it fair to say that our parents, guardians, and others share a portion of the responsibility for how we arrive at the decisions we make? In many cases of abuse and neglect, I would answer a resounding yes, in many cases! Especially in regards to the decisions and choices we make in early adulthood. Those years, when we are first launched into this sometimes cruel and unforgiving world. If we have been raised in a stable, loving and nurturing environment, where our physical, emotional and spiritual needs are being met, we are more likely to be able to make healthy, sound and informed decisions. On the contrary, if we have suffered abuse and our needs have not been met, our choices are drastically effected by our states of mind and development, or lack there of.
I am all about taking responsibility for my choices and where my life is at this very moment. I own the decisions I have made. I also acknowledge my upbringing and the abuse I withstood impacted my life in lasting and profound ways. I continue on in my search to make meaning of all that has happened to me, and I hope you do the same. Recognizing our histories is natural and necessary in our quest to fully understanding ourselves and developing into our highest and best selves.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Don't Give Up
Today I have a strong feeling someone out there needs to know there is hope for healing. There is, I promise, I have experienced healing from my abortions. There is nothing special about me, if I can receive this gift, so can you. It took many years and much work for my healing, but I experience it each and every day. Notice I used the present tense "experience" (my English teacher, Mrs. Moss would be so proud,) because the healing is ongoing. It is a process, involving many intricate turns and jumps and tangents. I remember doubting I would ever get there, believing I would NEVER forgive myself and would carry that burden until I died. I fully believed it was what I deserved, and I know many of you have that same conviction. Even after my retreat, though it was the icing on the cake for me, I remember the doubts that would creep into my mind. Thoughts like, "you're never really going to be healed from this," "you know you don't deserve to live, let alone heal and be happy," "how could you ever hope to heal after what you've done," "healing is just a word, it doesn't really mean anything, you're not like other people who heal, that's not going to happen for you." Have you had these thoughts too, or similar ones? It's all part of the process. Here is what I learned to do in those instances, though I really didn't fully realize I was doing this and it was helping me, until down the road, when I realized it and understood how powerful it was! I believe that was God's grace working through the Holy Spirit in me, as my intercessor, asking for those things I needed, but didn't know how to ask for. In those instances of extreme doubt, I simply repeated what I knew to myself to be true and what I believed God had done in my life. I repeated the truth over and over until I completely accepted it, and fully received it.
You see, it's a bit like the acceptance of our Lord as Savior, which brings back a memory of me as a young girl inviting Jesus into my heart. My parents took me to church week after week at the age of six, and I came home in tears several Sundays in a row, as I felt a strong conviction that Jesus wanted to be my Savior. My parents being concerned and not knowing what to say to me, took me to talk to our church pastor at that time. I remember him asking me a series of questions in his office and demonstrating to me that if I wanted to accept Jesus into my heart and be saved, all I had to do was accept what He was offering to me. To demonstrate this concept, he pulled out a quarter from his pocket and held it out to me. He had given me a concrete example of Jesus offering Himself to me as my Savior. Our pastor then leaned in, after showing me the shiny quarter in his hand and asked, "now, Kim, what do you need to do to accept this quarter as your own?" With wide eyes and a racing heart, I responded, "I just need to get it and hold on to it." When these words burst, full and plump, out of my mouth, a big grin spread across this sweet man's face as he almost shouted, "Yes!" With pride, I remember taking that quarter and hanging on every word as I overheard him explain to my parents that I was indeed saved, and did indeed understand what I was saying and doing at my young age. This is choice I have never regretted, and now with every part of me that my faith has saved me in many ways through the years.
When I had doubts about my healing, I would repeat to myself, sometimes aloud, "I know God has forgiven me and I have forgiven myself, and one day I will feel fully healed." I would thank God for his healing that I trusted to come to me in His time. This is the general message I wanted to feel, so I repeated it in varying ways over and over, even in times of feeling desperate and broken.
You cannot force your healing to come. I believe it takes just as long as it takes for you, and not a minute more. I believe it comes in different ways and at different times for each of us. I also believe, as I have said, it is an ongoing process that will not fully be completed until we are reunited with our lost babies in heaven. When I tell you I'm healed, that means I no longer beat myself up for what I've done. I have accepted that my abortions are a part of my history. They are definitely not choices I am proud of, or would ever recommend for others; and accepting that they are part of me, does not make the choices right. Someone once said to me, "I will never accept my abortions, because accepting that them means I'm okay with what I did, and I never will be okay with it." I understand her point of view, but I disagree that acceptance of it means I think it's okay. I accept they are part of my past and choices I've made, and I accept that God's grace covers even these sins, that in no way means I think they are "okay or right." Being healed means I don't cry all the time about my abortions, or freak out when I see someone pregnant, or feel uncomfortable when someone says the word abortion. It means on Mother's Day, I don't cry anymore that my children are not with me, but celebrate their loving existence in heaven with our Heavenly Father, and look forward to seeing them again in my future. It means I don't loathe myself and hate myself for the choices I've made. It means I don't live in fear of others' rejection and judgment should they ever discover abortion is part of my history. Being healed means living with a greater sense of peace and a purity of joy inside my heart that is indescribable. It means a deep and lasting closeness with my Savior, leaving me continuously amazed at how present He is in my life, no matter where I am. He is present with you too, and He wants nothing more than for you to feel whole again. Healing has nothing to do with what we deserve, and it has everything to do with His grace to overcome any and all sins.
May God bless you with His healing in your heart and mind and body, wherever you are right now! Please, believe He is calling you to a place of comfort and hope, and wants to accompany you on a journey to a quiet place of peace, rest and healing in your life. Continue to pray and seek His face, asking for insights that bring his divine mercy and balm of Gilead, believing that you will be healed fully and completely one day. He is faithful and will answer you always.
You see, it's a bit like the acceptance of our Lord as Savior, which brings back a memory of me as a young girl inviting Jesus into my heart. My parents took me to church week after week at the age of six, and I came home in tears several Sundays in a row, as I felt a strong conviction that Jesus wanted to be my Savior. My parents being concerned and not knowing what to say to me, took me to talk to our church pastor at that time. I remember him asking me a series of questions in his office and demonstrating to me that if I wanted to accept Jesus into my heart and be saved, all I had to do was accept what He was offering to me. To demonstrate this concept, he pulled out a quarter from his pocket and held it out to me. He had given me a concrete example of Jesus offering Himself to me as my Savior. Our pastor then leaned in, after showing me the shiny quarter in his hand and asked, "now, Kim, what do you need to do to accept this quarter as your own?" With wide eyes and a racing heart, I responded, "I just need to get it and hold on to it." When these words burst, full and plump, out of my mouth, a big grin spread across this sweet man's face as he almost shouted, "Yes!" With pride, I remember taking that quarter and hanging on every word as I overheard him explain to my parents that I was indeed saved, and did indeed understand what I was saying and doing at my young age. This is choice I have never regretted, and now with every part of me that my faith has saved me in many ways through the years.
When I had doubts about my healing, I would repeat to myself, sometimes aloud, "I know God has forgiven me and I have forgiven myself, and one day I will feel fully healed." I would thank God for his healing that I trusted to come to me in His time. This is the general message I wanted to feel, so I repeated it in varying ways over and over, even in times of feeling desperate and broken.
You cannot force your healing to come. I believe it takes just as long as it takes for you, and not a minute more. I believe it comes in different ways and at different times for each of us. I also believe, as I have said, it is an ongoing process that will not fully be completed until we are reunited with our lost babies in heaven. When I tell you I'm healed, that means I no longer beat myself up for what I've done. I have accepted that my abortions are a part of my history. They are definitely not choices I am proud of, or would ever recommend for others; and accepting that they are part of me, does not make the choices right. Someone once said to me, "I will never accept my abortions, because accepting that them means I'm okay with what I did, and I never will be okay with it." I understand her point of view, but I disagree that acceptance of it means I think it's okay. I accept they are part of my past and choices I've made, and I accept that God's grace covers even these sins, that in no way means I think they are "okay or right." Being healed means I don't cry all the time about my abortions, or freak out when I see someone pregnant, or feel uncomfortable when someone says the word abortion. It means on Mother's Day, I don't cry anymore that my children are not with me, but celebrate their loving existence in heaven with our Heavenly Father, and look forward to seeing them again in my future. It means I don't loathe myself and hate myself for the choices I've made. It means I don't live in fear of others' rejection and judgment should they ever discover abortion is part of my history. Being healed means living with a greater sense of peace and a purity of joy inside my heart that is indescribable. It means a deep and lasting closeness with my Savior, leaving me continuously amazed at how present He is in my life, no matter where I am. He is present with you too, and He wants nothing more than for you to feel whole again. Healing has nothing to do with what we deserve, and it has everything to do with His grace to overcome any and all sins.
May God bless you with His healing in your heart and mind and body, wherever you are right now! Please, believe He is calling you to a place of comfort and hope, and wants to accompany you on a journey to a quiet place of peace, rest and healing in your life. Continue to pray and seek His face, asking for insights that bring his divine mercy and balm of Gilead, believing that you will be healed fully and completely one day. He is faithful and will answer you always.
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