I Feel Blessed

     I really do feel blessed!  I am excited to see God working in my life and ministry.  It's still unreal to me that I am doing this, this being sharing my story with the world, when just a few years ago I was still stuck in the place of wanting to keep my abortions a secret, to take it with me to my grave, so to speak; and now, I am choosing to share it to help others.  The expression, "you've come a long way, Baby," seems to be appropriate here.  I can only say that is with no credit of mine, God is good in so many ways!!

    For so long I heard His whispers in my heart, and for so long I felt "stuck between a rock and a hard place."  The rock being, my desire to keep my secrets for fear of rejection and judgement from others, and the hard place being my strong desire to share myself and my experiences in order to minister to others in the painful places that I have been.  And of course, every time I heard the whispers, I knew inside me that I couldn't do both forever.  I knew that one day, I would have to be willing to die to myself in order to fulfill His purpose for my life here on this earth.  Sometimes I look at my life, the way that I love babies, and respect human life, and those things have always been true about me, and I wonder how in the world did I get here to this place?  How did I get to be the woman who has had two abortions?  It wasn't okay with me either time.  Terminating my pregnancies was never what I wanted to do either time.  Neither one of my children were ever "blobs of tissue" in my eyes; sometimes that's what makes me think it took a decade for me to ever heal those wounds and reconcile with myself after I had done this.  I didn't believe in it, I just thought I had no choice and had to do it.  As I said, it wasn't what I wanted to do, and I wonder how many other women feel that way.  I've already met many in my work, and I'll bet I'll meet many, many more in the future.

     I am so thankful that God's forgiveness is real, and for every one, no matter how badly we mess things up.  I don't believe He punishes us for our sins, if we confess them and turn away from them (don't keep doing them over and over with no real intention of stopping).  I believe he forgives us and forgets what we've done.  The Bible says in Jeremiah 31:34, that when God forgives us, He “remembers our sins no more."  He doesn't bring them up, or throw them up in our faces, as we do to each other so much of the time as humans.  He leaves it at the cross where it belongs, and we need to figure out how to follow His example in doing that.  No matter how much it hurts us, what was done was done.  You don't get over the loss of your child through abortion, rather, you work through that loss and come to a place of healing that will allow you to cope with the reality of what has happened and still live your life in a peace that only He can provide or could ever comprehend.  Don't put pressure on yourself to forgive yourself if you can't feel it yet, for me it was the hardest part...I think I'll write about that in the next post.

My Mentor Said Yes!

The person I asked to be my mentor for the new interdenominational site said, "yes!"  She prayed diligently, as did I, and she felt lead by God, as did I, to be my mentor for the first time at the new site for a Rachel's Vineyard Interdenominational Retreat!!!  I am thrilled, excited, exhilarated, and empowered!  I feel completely blessed and so thankful to know that God is blessing Oaks Studio and the work I'm doing here, and through this new site, I pray that many men and women will be healed from the devastating pain abortion can cause!!!

The location we have chosen is absolutely breathtaking and perfect for a retreat!  It is nestled in the mountains of Western North Carolina in Hiddenite, with a fabulous view of the mountains, and tons of privacy!  There is a walking trail that goes around a pasture that has horses and alpaca in it.  The beautiful retreat center is in an old farm estate has been completely remodeled from the ground up and has the most beautiful, weathered shabby chic feel to it, think white cotton curtains blowing in the breeze and soft, quilts and sheets in every room, and rocking chairs on the front poarch.  Each room has it's own private bath, and there are bathrooms in the common areas of the center as well.  We will have someone there preparing the food while we meet, but other than that, we will have the entire center to ourselves...you won't have to fear being seen or "bumping into" someone you know.  It is a very safe, and welcoming and homey place to be, stay and heal.  Outside there are lots of areas for quite contemplation, and time alone.  If you'd like to check out the retreat center where we will have the site, you may do so here.  We will have particulars on the price for the weekend soon, as we need to figure out the cost of food and so forth, but it will be reasonable, and immensely worth it!  We are offering scholarships for the weekends as well for those who want to come for healing, but have not the means to do so...call us, we'll work something out.  I hope you'll check it out, if you have any questions whatsoever, please don't hesitate to call, 828.919.8020; if I don't answer, I will return your call as soon as I possibly can.  Please, pray about this, and if you feel God leading you to call, we're here for you!  Talk to you soon!

Good News About the Rachel's Vineyard Interdenominational Site

Thankfully, I received some positive news from the Rachel's Vineyard Team, and it seems that if I will agree to a mentor for my first retreat, I am on board to start a new interdenominational site.  Yay!!!!  It's been quite a wait, and I was honestly getting concerned...but all the while trusting that in His perfect time all things will come to pass.  I am beyond excited, and of course, I WANT a mentor there the first time.  I've already contacted my choice, in fact I had contacted her already before I heard back about my application.  She is going to get back to me about it.  I chose the person that was the site leader for my retreat.  She had been the leader for 14 years I believe, so I know she is very experienced and will be invaluable in helping get the new site running well.
I am so thrilled to be getting another step closer to answering this call in my life.  I cannot emphasize enough how strong my desire is to help others who are hurting from abortion!  This is such a silent epidemic and so many women and men are suffering daily as they try to make sense of their lives without their child/ren in them.  I want so much to share the healing that I've worked so hard to find for myself with others.  I hope to help others to know what I feel I've had to work so hard to figure out mostly for myself.  I was so afraid for so long, there is no way I would reach out for help, for fear that someone would "find out."  My absolute worst fear was ANYONE finding out about these choices, I would truly at the time almost rather die than have someone know, at least that's how I felt.  It has taken me a long time to get to a place of willingness to answer this call.  Don't get me wrong, I don't tell everyone I see, and I don't believe we have to share everything we've done wrong with everyone we meet.  It's just that now, I know I will be able to share with others what I've done, in the hopes of helping them to find forgiveness for themselves and accept God's forgiveness as well.  I would also hope to use my experiences to help other young women to know not to make the same choices that I did, to prevent abortions before they happen, along with helping the post-abortive find healing.  I believe this is my primary purpose here, and I want more than anything else in this world to do what God has gifted and created me to do!
I sincerely hope that if you've had an abortion and would like help in finding healing, that you attend a Rachel's Vineyard retreat in your area, they are worldwide, and though this is a Catholic organization, you do NOT have to be Catholic to go, and now there are more and more interdenominational sites that are opening, just like the one I'm planning to start now.  I don't see how you could ever regret going to one of these retreats!  I firmly believe with everything in me that they are God breathed!!!  I am so thankful that Theresa Burke followed God's call in her life to write the books and retreat manuals that she has.  May God richly bless her and her husband, Kevin, and their beautiful family, and may God bless you as well. 

Photography Fun

Recently, I stopped to pick a couple of wildflowers, because from a distance they are beautiful; then up close, they are unbelievable!  There must be a thousand or more little tiny perfect flowers with four petals within this one massive flower with a single stem and no leaves.  I brought them home and could not stop looking at them, then I thought, I've got to take pictures, because these aren't going to last forever--in come obsession...I must have photographed these flowers for an hour almost, shooting from every angle you can imagine!  I couldn't help myself, and I kept thinking, "how can some people believe there is no God, when I'm holding in my hand living proof that there is...no one else could create something of beauty with this magnitude!"  I love His handiwork, and I stop to admire it often!  Simple things, like wildflowers, remind me of how precious I am to Him and how well I am taken care of!  Of course, as I'm photographing and playing with them in Picasa 3 (not a bad little photo editor for free, I must say) floods of ideas and inspiration for art quilts streamed in....no telling where this may end up.  Enjoy some of the photos I enjoyed if you'd like, and please, let me know what this is, if you know...

Then, I started playing with the Picasa elements to see what fun could be had with these little beauties...

"Inverted colors" filter

"Heat map" filter

"Neon" filter

"Inverted Colors" filter

I think these are pretty sophisticated for free software, looks very close to my Photoshop renderings.  If you want to pick a wild flower and try this, get your free Picasa download HERE.  This was tons of fun, send me your shots, I'd love to see what you do with it!

The Key to Eliminating Abortion

I firmly believe that the key to eliminating abortion is to find out what the woman who is considering it is most afraid of, and then help her to overcome that fear without having the abortion, in other words, show her the options that she cannot see in that moment.  What is the fear that is causing her to believe or think that abortion is her only option?  Is it that she won't be a good mom, or is it that she feels she won't be able to financially handle having a child, is she alone in her pregnancy and needs assistance, is she afraid of what others will say, or afraid of disappointing and making her parents upset, is she afraid of losing her boyfriend/husband?  There could be a million different reasons, but I am absolutely convinced that if we could figure out what that fear was and assure her that she can overcome that fear, we would be extremely close to ending abortion as a viable option.
I remember the fear so vividly.  It was definitely the strongest and most powerful force in making my abortion choices.  The first time, I was in the middle of a separation from my first husband, and barely able to care for myself and my infant son that I already had, physically, emotionally, financially, and mentally.  Every coping skill I had was already burned beyond recognition, I had used them all up trying to save my marriage and being a mommy, when I wasn't ready to be a mommy yet, and being so far away from my support system also didn't help.  I was so naive, I didn't understand about it being easy to conceive after having a baby ( an many other things), and I couldn't take birth control pills, because they turn me into a raving lunatic.  I was so afraid that I couldn't do it all, that I wouldn't be able to survive having another child at that time.  Abortion seemed like the only option, the only way for me to survive.  It wasn't about being inconvenienced, it was about survival for me.
The second time, I remember overwhelming fear of what my mother would say, of how angry she would be, and how disappointed my father would be, how I would have "shamed the family name," by being pregnant and unmarried.  I was raised in a very conservative, religious home, and always taught that sex outside of marriage was wrong.  I was also worried about what my fellow teachers would say about me, not to mention my students, after all, I was the one in the front of the classroom talking about abstinence to them.  I had always been taught to fear what others may think about me, as if it was the end of the world if one of the neighbors thought poorly of you.  I must have heard, "what would the neighbors say," a thousand times growing up in my home.  I was taught not to have thoughts and feelings of my own, but to believe what others thought and believed and to go along with it, and "not rock the boat..."  I was in a committed, loving relationship, but my boyfriend at the time, my husband now, did not ask me to marry him, and in fact was thinking about moving to a nearby county around this same time to be nearer to his two young children, whose mother was moving them away.  I felt so alone, and so afraid for the same reasons again as the first time, with all of the other reasons added on the top of that. 
I DID NOT want to have the abortions that I had.  I did not want to do it either time.  I was so afraid for so many reasons, I can't even name them all, but I remember the fear being overwhelming, suffocating and gripping that I felt paralyzed to do anything else.  I thought it was my only option.  I could not see another way, either time, no other way.  It was as if I was tied up, bound and gagged.  I felt I had no other choice to make, even though now, I see clearly that I did, both times.  I needed someone there to tell me that I could do it, to help me see the route to take, to support me in keeping my babies.

This is why I say, if we can eliminate the fear, we can eliminate the terminations of unplanned pregnancies.  For me, fear is the crux (defined by the dictionary as: something that torments by its puzzling nature; a perplexing difficulty) of the issue.  I would guess that it is the single most decisive factor in abortive women.

A late Mother's Day Post

This was the best Mother's Day I can remember in a long time, in terms of not grieving so badly for my lost children.  If you asked me, "why," I'd probably say it has to do with healing.  For the past several years, I had been going through the ritual of going to get my children each a balloon and writing a message to them and sending it away as if to heaven for them to catch and keep.  It was a beautiful ritual, a true tradition, and it helped me immensely.  This year I planned to do the same, and thought about it a couple of times.  But then, when Mother's Day came, I just didn't feel it was necessary this year.  A simple whispered prayer, shared between me, them and my heavenly Father was comforting enough.  I didn't even cry.  I was surrounded by my husband who loves me dearly, and two beautiful boys who adore me and a precious step-daughter who cherishes me, and I felt more whole this year than I can ever remember in my post abortion healing.

I believe this means that I have truly released my children to Jesus to watch, care for and keep for me, until we are joyfully reunited one day.  I'm no longer clutching on to them, as if I can change things and save them now, 19+ and 16 years later.  It was, I believe, when I attended my retreat in 2009 that for the first time, I truly released them to the Lord.  Until then, I had been trying to release them and hold on to them at the same time.  After all, I didn't want to end their lives in the first place.  It was never easy, or simple, not then, and not now, and rightfully, never will be.  That said, I do not believe God wants for me or any other post-abortive, sorrowful woman to punish ourselves and live in misery for the rest of our lives.  What is done is done.  We can go on with living our lives.  We can enjoy the blessings we do have, and do not have to mourn forever.  Jesus said in John 16:20, "I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices.  You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy."  That's as plain as you can put it, isn't it?  I did weep, I did mourn, I did grieve, and now it is turning to joy, as I surrender to the fact that the clock never goes backward, only forward.  I'm reminded in writing this of Anna Nalick's song, "Just Breathe," it's like she says, there's no rewind button, girl...

Another reason I think this Mother's Day was the best one for a long time, is because of my coming to terms with the relationship I have with my own mother now.  We are estranged, and have been for the past five years.  I don't ever remember a time that I didn't wish my relationship with my mother was different, and I still do; but things have changed now.  This year I was able to send her a card, and tell her that I pray for her and that I wish things were different and that I love her.  And then something amazing happened, she responded with kind words in return.  I felt blessed and at peace for the first time in a very long time, probably the most at peace with our relationship moving forward in life, than I can ever remember feeling.  I am accepting, have accepted, which remains to be seen; that we cannot have a close relationship--no matter how much either of us may want to.  My mother has never and will never be able to love me in the way that I need her to, that is not an insult, it is not a complaint, it is a fact, a real, honest to goodness fact that I have had to accept somehow, no matter how many nights I went to bed crying because my heart physically hurt for the mother I have always needed her to be.  Some may not think exchanging cards on holidays is very much of a relationship, but if it means I don't have to go on being hurt over and over and over emotionally, it's going to have to be enough.  I used to think, no matter what issue people had between them, there was no reason that they couldn't sit down and come to some type of compromise or amicable agreement of some kind, I was dead wrong.  Some times some tragedies and traumas are too harsh, too radical, too damaging, and there is no going back, there is only left the shell of what you wish things had been, and you have to grieve that too.  I had to grieve the loss of my mother and the loss of the mother I wanted and needed her to be as well.  That's no easy feat.  I don't know how people who have no relationship with my Lord Jesus Christ can survive such circumstances, I cannot fathom it.  My faith is the singular gift that has carried me through a time that I couldn't not stand up in.  I pray that you can pray, and that you realize, like I have, it's not about "church" or being a "christian" or about "religion," it is about a real, living, breathing relationship with Jesus, with the real, true Healer and Counselor.  It's about saying, "I can't get out of bed, please help me," and then turning around years later to see that you have not only survived, you've thrived in the end of a time that you thought would bring about your actual death on this earth.

"Free"

     Today I realized this little piece that had been hanging around for so long had more to say than I thought it did.  Today I realized it had a story to tell, well, a poem at least.  From the beginning I kept having the word "free" pop into my head when I was working on this piece, reminding me that I feel like a free bird now, not a caged one.   So today, I thought of pulling out one of my favorite poems to become part of this piece.  Maya Angelou wrote, "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings," and the first stanza fits this piece so well:

                                            "The free bird leaps on the back of the wind
                                              and floats downstream till the current ends
                                               and dips his wings in the orange sun rays
                                                          and dares to claim the sky."

     Have you ever been in an abusive relationship that left you feeling like a bird trapped in a cage?  And then one day some kind of catastrophe happened, like a hurricane, and your cage was knocked down and the door flew open and you knew you had to escape, or it would be the end of you?  But you didn't want to leave, because that cage was the only thing you had ever known, and you very much loved and needed and wanted the person keeping you in the cage in your life?  Knowing you could never, ever replace that person made you not want to be let go.   But then, against your wishes, you were freed from the cage by some awful thing, free to be all that you were created to be, but the freedom was scary, and you desperately wanted to be back where you felt comfortable or at least knew what to expect, but you knew you could never go back there?  It was a dark place to be until one day, you pulled back the curtain and felt the sun on your face and realized at last that you really were FREE, could really see the freedom right in front of you!  Free for the first time in your life, unfortunately it's bittersweet, because you didn't want to be free from the person keeping you in the cage, you just wanted to be free of the cage.  You just wanted the person keeping you in the cage to stop trying to keep you bound, and just let you be free WITH them...

"Free" 12" x 12"

Detail of "Free"

      This was a blog entry from my fiber art website, which is very meaningful to me.  You may want to check out my art site at kimberlyollis.com  Much of my artwork is therapeutic, and I use it to work through my own issues of grief and loss.