Fatherhood Lost

     Often when we think about abortion, our focus of concern is on the mothers, because the baby was conceived within the mother's body, and it's the mothers who experience the physical act of abortion.  However, the fathers who also conceived a child often struggle with the pain abortion can cause, whether they supported the abortion choice or not.

     If a woman chooses to have an abortion, even though her partner and father of her child does not support this decision, it can cause incredible feelings of anger and resentment from the father toward the mother, be it his wife or girlfriend.  If the rejection of the idea of abortion is not respected and valued within the couples' relationship, a deep rift can occur.  This rift is not impossible to repair or heal, but it does require an incredible amount of love and validation within the relationship, not to mention a great deal of time and patience on the part of both partners as the healing evolves.

     If a man assists his wife or girlfriend in the affirmative decision to have an abortion, he still has lost a child, and may at a later time need to address this loss, and go through the grieving process in order to heal and cope with the fact that his child is no more, even if the initial response is a feeling of relief.  Even men, who insist that the mothers of their children have the abortions, will often later regret their decision and wish that they could resend their former votes for the abortions to occur.

     Another scenario is equally represented in the men who think they are doing the "politically correct" thing by leaving the decision and choice completely up to their partner.  It sounds good, after all doesn't society trumpet that abortion is a woman's choice to do what she wants to do with her own body, and to deny her that choice is unconstitutional.  Even in this situation, you have a man who has at least a 50/50 chance of losing his child.  Sometimes the woman in this type of situation welcomes the ability to make her own choice, but sometimes she feels abandoned and alone in making her decision, and wishes desperately that the father of her child would stand with her in fighting for that child's life.

     Either way the situation works out, if you are a man and have lost a child to abortion, your loss is valid and it matters.  Whether you supported the idea of abortion or not is not relative to the fact that you lost fatherhood in this situation.  You may struggle with feelings of anger, resentment, helplessness and hopelessness.  You may fight bouts of depression as you grieve for your lost child.  You may suffer relational problems due to the circumstances of the abortion decision.  Whatever your situation or the circumstances surrounding your loss of fatherhood, there are resources to help you, and there is hope for you in overcoming this loss.

     One of the many things that I love so much about the Rachel's Vineyard retreats  is the emphasis for healing for fathers following a pregnancy termination.  At these retreats, you, as fathers, have the opportunity to share your feelings openly and honestly with others who understand your loss, and you get to honor your child in the process and find the closure that you need.  I would encourage any male who has lost a child to abortion to attend a weekend retreat to work on the grief that you have for your lost child.  Oaks Studio is proud to be establishing a new Interdenominational site with our first retreat as a new site occurring on the weekend of October 19-21st.  For more information on the new site, visit HERE.

     Oaks Studio is also committed to helping fathers who have lost children to abortion, no matter the situation in which it occurred.  Please check out the Fatherhood Losses page of the website for additional information and resources for working through your grief and loss issues.  May God bless you as you work in this important and valid area of loss.     

A Little Bird

     This morning I was awakened by a little bird chirping and singing so sweetly outside my bedroom window.  I don't know what kind of bird it was, but immediately I thought of the sparrow and the reference to them that Jesus makes in Matthew 10:29-31:

      "Not even a sparrow, worth only half a penny, 

can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it.  

And the very hairs on your head are all numbered.  

So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to Him 

than a whole flock of sparrows."

     What a powerful message to be reminded of on days like today, when I feel small and unimportant.  I have to remember the value that Jesus places on my life, and internalize that as I think of my own worth as a person.  He doesn't say, "if you've lived this way," or "if you haven't done this or that,"  he says definitively, "you are more valuable to Him..."  That is what matters.  Looking forward to the future and doing our best to live for Him now is what matters.  The enemy will try his best to remind us of the past and what he wants us to believe that makes of us, but Jesus is about now, and He is ready in every moment to take us in.  He loves us for who we are right now.  I love the quote: "Persistence not Perfection."  He does not expect us to be perfect, only to try our best to be like Him in everything we do, in every decision we make.  When we fail to do that, the best outcome possible is to try to learn from it, not repeat it and help others to not make the same mistakes.

Getting Ready for Work

     I have prayed for as long as I can remember for God to show me what he created me to do, and how He would use my life for His glory.  Then for years, I knew He wanted me to serve in the post-abortion ministry, but I struggled to know how and when and where.  Believing then that I was ready, and completely prepared, He knew better. 
     In 2007 something awful happened in my life, and I believe it was the final step in His plan for preparing me for this very necessary work.  The one thing that had been holding me back from jumping into this ministry with both feet was gone.  You see I wanted to answer God's call in my life, but I didn't want my parents and extended family to know about my abortions, so I would hold back and subconsciously say, "if not for that, I could do it, but what about that?"  I never had these thoughts in my conscious mind, but He knew they were there, He knows everything about us, down to how many hairs are on my head, and yours, right now.  Of course, He could see that what was holding me back from answering His call was my family, so one day, they were gone.  No, they didn't all die at the same time, but it was as if they did.  Our family encountered a horrible evil that divided our family and put numerous people, my husband, my baby, myself and my niece, at risk.  That evil sought to destroy us, and it nearly did.  God knew this would be the ultimate test, and another very dark passage for me to go through; and He knew that through it all, He would carry me.  At times I did not want to go on, but I had an infant to take care of; at times he was all that motivated me to get out of bed.  The family that I feared judgement from had turned on me, and was responsible for this dark time; and now we cannot come back from it.
     When you go through something like that, it changes who you are.  You realize that if your biological family does not value you at all, then what does it matter of other people?  I had spent my whole life hearing, "what would the neighbors think?"  Well, now I think, "who cares what the neighbors think?"  I care about pleasing God, my Father, the Creator of the Universe, and He never looks at me in shame, He has never abandoned me; and He will never fail me.  If I am living in His will and my life is for Him, what do I care if people like me, get me, value me, or judge me?  I used to be so very afraid, no absolutely terrified, that people would look down on me because I had two abortions, and I had to lose my family to realize it just doesn't matter anymore.  What matters to me now, is using what I know, have been through, have learned through my life and the regrets that I have to help other women and men to end their struggles with the strong holds that come along with having an abortion(s).  Nothing matters to me more now than answering His call in my life.
     Of course, I have some fear about not "doing it right," and just different insecurities like that, but don't we all?  I have to hold onto the fact that I can do all things through Him, and continue seeking His will in what to do day to day.  I see doors opening before me, and prayers being answered left and right, and I KNOW He is leading me to start this new site.  And just as I told the woman at the retreat center who confirmed this morning that our space is reserved for the first weekend retreat, "there is NO FEELING IN THE WORLD like knowing you are right where God wants you to be and doing exactly what He has called you and created you to be!"  No feeling in the world!  I am so excited to see what He has planned for us.  I am so excited to be able to be a part of the ministry that He has called me to be a part of!  Pray for my protection and for my family's protection and for this beautiful team of facilitators that have answered their own callings, and for our ministry and that of Rachel's Vineyard, for all who assist us, and so very importantly, the women and men that He is sending to us for the first retreat.  I can't wait to meet them!  May God's will be done in all things on earth as it is in heaven!

A Poem I Wrote in 2003

     I was looking through some old books trying to find some contact information of old friends through the Pregnancy Care Center and found an old poem that I wrote when I was involved in a "Her Choice To Heal" Recovery Group, and thought that I would share it with you.  As I read over it, I thought it was very poignant and descriptive of the journey from abortion, through grief, and finally (thankfully) to healing.

My Path

Afraid, Alone, Abandoned

Trapped, Desperate, Unsure

Confused, Convinced, Resolved

Scared, Absurd, Hysterical

Relieved, Ashamed, Guilty

Denial, Numb, Rationalized

Demoralized, Angry, Vindictive

Self-Hate, Dehumanized, Exposed,

Painful, Depressed, Lonely

Sad, Guilt-Ridden, Overwhelmed

Overcome, Emotional, Explosive

Repentive, Hopeless, Powerless

Accused, Chastised, Mocked

Mercy, Hope, Forgiveness

Realization, Understanding, Self-Discovery

Purpose, Meaning, Goal-Oriented

Liberation, Freedom, Healing

By: Kim Ollis

Sept. 2003

How I Forgave Myself

     As I was saying in my last post, forgiving myself was absolutely the hardest part in recovering from my two abortions.  Even with having been a Christian since I was a small child, and having complete faith in God's forgiveness, still for years I struggled with forgiving myself for taking the lives of two of my children.  I believed God had forgiven me, the moment I spoke, "oh, Lord, my God, please forgive me for what I have done!"  I FELT His forgiveness inside my heart and mind, but I was still there judging and condemning myself, and I felt that I did not deserve the forgiveness God had given me.  I felt that I should suffer for the rest of my life for what I had done.  I figured God could forgive me, because, well, He is God; but I felt I could NEVER forgive myself.

     I remember well asking for forgiveness over and over, even though I felt the assurance that God had forgiven me, and I knew He was helping me and healing me a little every time I spoke with Him in prayer; until finally I felt in my heart that I was annoying God.  I can FEEL God speak to me at times, it is not a voice, it is more of a feeling and a phrase or thought simultaneously inside my heart and head; that's how I know it is Him.  And one day I felt that He was saying, "Kim, I've already forgiven you for that...it's YOU who has to forgive YOU now, not me."  You know, it was that short and to the point.  I love the way God speaks to us, it's just the truth, straight to the point with no fluff needed.  I remember thinking out loud, "I know I do, but I can't."  So, in that moment I was able to acknowledge that I needed to forgive myself and I knew that, but I didn't feel that I could because I felt I needed to punish myself for what I had done.  I felt that what I had done was so dirty, and so bad and so condemnable that I could never forgive myself for it, so I was stuck.  I was stuck between feeling that I needed to forgive myself, but not knowing how to do it, and not being willing to do it.

     One day, as I was thinking about this dilemma and praying about it, it occurred to me that I was holding myself to a standard higher than God's standard, and I thought, "who do I think I am?"  "do I really think that I have a higher standard than God has?"  "If He will forgive me, what makes me think I shouldn't do the same for myself?"  and "if I feel like I don't know how, I need to ask Him how, and I believe He will show me how."  And this series of thoughts started a prayer inside me that went like this:

     "Dear Lord, I don't know how to forgive myself for what I have done.  I know You have forgiven me, and that You desire joy and peace for me, not condemnation.  Help me, Lord, to find the way to forgiving myself for my abortions.  Show me how I can go about doing this, because I've come to believe that NOT forgiving myself is sinning against You, and that is the LAST thing that I ever want to do again.  Please, Lord, honor my prayer and give me the answers that my heart longs to hear."  And guess what?  He answered my prayer.  He told me to begin by making the decision to forgive myself, to say aloud, "Right now, in the name of the Lord, Jesus Christ, I decide to forgive myself for my two abortions, and will no longer hate myself for what I have done."  

     Now, this was the beginning, I didn't feel instantly better.  I wish I could say that I heard trumpets and felt a flash go through me and suddenly I was free from guilt and self hate, and full of forgiveness for myself and all of my sins.  It did not happen like that.  At first, I felt like I was telling a lie, because in my heart I knew it wasn't true.  In my heart, I knew that I didn't forgive myself, even though, I had just made the decision to do it; and even though I may want to in order to not sin against God.  He knew instantly my thoughts and feelings, and then whispered, "keep saying this day after day, and it will come to pass.  One day your heart will feel what your head knows is best.  Making the decision is the first step, trust in Me and I will help you do this."  And that is exactly what I did.  

     Every single time I had a self loathing thought I reminded myself that I had made the decision to forgive myself and that God was helping me to accept that forgiveness and to believe it, and that I trusted God to do what He said He would do.  Fear was the number one weapon that the enemy used to convince me that abortion was the only option, and self condemnation was the most powerful one evil used to keep me bound in shame and guilt.  It was deeply rooted, deeply from my childhood, and carried into my adulthood, guilt, guilt, guilt...it had been used to parent me and control me all of my life, and after I grew up, I used it on myself.  I was so used to feeling guilty, whether I had anything to feel guilty about or not, did not seem to matter.  I realized I was a guilt magnet, and that it was time to strip that guilt away.  I knew it was time to let my heart fill up with the love and forgiveness for myself that God had so easily lavished on me from the moment I first whispered my prayer of repentance.  

     We must follow His leading, and even when we don't know how, if we seek Him with all our hearts, we WILL find Him.  He promises that in Jeremiah 29:13, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and bring you back from captivity..."  Friend, He is faithful, and He is just.  If He forgives you,  and I know He does, then THROUGH Him you can forgive you.  I promise!!  Every time you feel guilt after you have forgiven yourself, remind yourself in as stern a voice as you can muster, "I have forgiven myself for that, because God has forgiven me," and tell Him "Thank you," and then let it go.  Recognize this to be the enemy trying his best to get you back in that cage called guilt, but you don't have to go, you know better now, you're stronger now, you can, through God, do ALL things!!!

I Feel Blessed

     I really do feel blessed!  I am excited to see God working in my life and ministry.  It's still unreal to me that I am doing this, this being sharing my story with the world, when just a few years ago I was still stuck in the place of wanting to keep my abortions a secret, to take it with me to my grave, so to speak; and now, I am choosing to share it to help others.  The expression, "you've come a long way, Baby," seems to be appropriate here.  I can only say that is with no credit of mine, God is good in so many ways!!

    For so long I heard His whispers in my heart, and for so long I felt "stuck between a rock and a hard place."  The rock being, my desire to keep my secrets for fear of rejection and judgement from others, and the hard place being my strong desire to share myself and my experiences in order to minister to others in the painful places that I have been.  And of course, every time I heard the whispers, I knew inside me that I couldn't do both forever.  I knew that one day, I would have to be willing to die to myself in order to fulfill His purpose for my life here on this earth.  Sometimes I look at my life, the way that I love babies, and respect human life, and those things have always been true about me, and I wonder how in the world did I get here to this place?  How did I get to be the woman who has had two abortions?  It wasn't okay with me either time.  Terminating my pregnancies was never what I wanted to do either time.  Neither one of my children were ever "blobs of tissue" in my eyes; sometimes that's what makes me think it took a decade for me to ever heal those wounds and reconcile with myself after I had done this.  I didn't believe in it, I just thought I had no choice and had to do it.  As I said, it wasn't what I wanted to do, and I wonder how many other women feel that way.  I've already met many in my work, and I'll bet I'll meet many, many more in the future.

     I am so thankful that God's forgiveness is real, and for every one, no matter how badly we mess things up.  I don't believe He punishes us for our sins, if we confess them and turn away from them (don't keep doing them over and over with no real intention of stopping).  I believe he forgives us and forgets what we've done.  The Bible says in Jeremiah 31:34, that when God forgives us, He “remembers our sins no more."  He doesn't bring them up, or throw them up in our faces, as we do to each other so much of the time as humans.  He leaves it at the cross where it belongs, and we need to figure out how to follow His example in doing that.  No matter how much it hurts us, what was done was done.  You don't get over the loss of your child through abortion, rather, you work through that loss and come to a place of healing that will allow you to cope with the reality of what has happened and still live your life in a peace that only He can provide or could ever comprehend.  Don't put pressure on yourself to forgive yourself if you can't feel it yet, for me it was the hardest part...I think I'll write about that in the next post.

My Mentor Said Yes!

The person I asked to be my mentor for the new interdenominational site said, "yes!"  She prayed diligently, as did I, and she felt lead by God, as did I, to be my mentor for the first time at the new site for a Rachel's Vineyard Interdenominational Retreat!!!  I am thrilled, excited, exhilarated, and empowered!  I feel completely blessed and so thankful to know that God is blessing Oaks Studio and the work I'm doing here, and through this new site, I pray that many men and women will be healed from the devastating pain abortion can cause!!!

The location we have chosen is absolutely breathtaking and perfect for a retreat!  It is nestled in the mountains of Western North Carolina in Hiddenite, with a fabulous view of the mountains, and tons of privacy!  There is a walking trail that goes around a pasture that has horses and alpaca in it.  The beautiful retreat center is in an old farm estate has been completely remodeled from the ground up and has the most beautiful, weathered shabby chic feel to it, think white cotton curtains blowing in the breeze and soft, quilts and sheets in every room, and rocking chairs on the front poarch.  Each room has it's own private bath, and there are bathrooms in the common areas of the center as well.  We will have someone there preparing the food while we meet, but other than that, we will have the entire center to ourselves...you won't have to fear being seen or "bumping into" someone you know.  It is a very safe, and welcoming and homey place to be, stay and heal.  Outside there are lots of areas for quite contemplation, and time alone.  If you'd like to check out the retreat center where we will have the site, you may do so here.  We will have particulars on the price for the weekend soon, as we need to figure out the cost of food and so forth, but it will be reasonable, and immensely worth it!  We are offering scholarships for the weekends as well for those who want to come for healing, but have not the means to do so...call us, we'll work something out.  I hope you'll check it out, if you have any questions whatsoever, please don't hesitate to call, 828.919.8020; if I don't answer, I will return your call as soon as I possibly can.  Please, pray about this, and if you feel God leading you to call, we're here for you!  Talk to you soon!